My CSB Journal
- Thread starter Jverhoye
- Start date
LetItGoAlready
Active Member
Jverhoye, I agree. Your generosity with regard to sharing tools and strategies for recovery is just wonderful. Think I'll also take some time to absorb what you've written but will definitely get back to you with feedback when time permits.
Mojo
Member
Thanks for sharing your story Jverhoye. Read through your journal this morning and your last post really resonated with me. Still very early in my recovery, but your posts have made me hopeful of finding things that have been missing for years. I know have a lot of work to do, but this forum has helped me start defining a pathway.
Thanks to all
Thanks to all
LetItGoAlready
Active Member
I read through your last post, Jverhoye, and could really relate to many of your "problematic core beliefs," in particular, the need for acceptance from others. This dominates my self-talk a lot of time, takes up needless mental energy, and in the end creates a lot anxiety. I like how you've mapped out how you typically respond to these beliefs (by acting out), what the danger signals are ("breaking point"), and what you can do to change the situation before it causes you to go off the rails like a runaway train. This seems like a useful exercise for just about anyone to do to change unwanted behaviors. I'm considering adopting the same approach and creating my own custom list. Thanks again for sharing this. I have to commend you for being so open about your recovery with all of us. You are a true inspiration!
Jverhoye
Active Member
Thanks, Cos. I appreciate it. Ultimately, when my wife asked me to leave I pretty much hit rock bottom. I turned my recovery over to professionals and it's been a nearly 3 year journey of putting the work in to reconnect with my wife and family. I've had set backs, just like anyone else, but I'm in a better place now. My hope in sharing what I went through is to provide tools and food for thought. One of the last things my therapist said to me before I finished my treatment program was, "Lead with your brokenness." I have a tendency to project an image that I'm fine and that I have it all together, while inside my anxiety is through the roof. My anxiety is way down, but I still have my challenges just like we all do, and pretending like I have it all together all the time is just so counterproductive.
If anything I journal about is helpful to anyone, then that will be great. In the end, I feel blessed to have been referred to a great program and blessed to have found this Forum. I have been helped so much by numerous people, most recently by you and all the others on this Forum and the ybop web site. I also am blessed to have a very supportive family.
I hope you and everyone on here finds the peace and true joy in life that I believe is attainable, free from PMO.
If anything I journal about is helpful to anyone, then that will be great. In the end, I feel blessed to have been referred to a great program and blessed to have found this Forum. I have been helped so much by numerous people, most recently by you and all the others on this Forum and the ybop web site. I also am blessed to have a very supportive family.
I hope you and everyone on here finds the peace and true joy in life that I believe is attainable, free from PMO.
fcjl8
Active Member
Dear Jverhoye,
Could you expand on that "Lead with your brokeness" ? That sounds vey interesting but I am not sure what you mean.
I have found myself coming out of this past winter with severe anxiety right now, maybe it is mixed with some depression and general dread. I am going to see my GP this week, she had me on SSRI two years ago for about 6 months I am reluctant to use them again even although it was a mild dose. I am generally drug and substance adverse, especially if all they do is "numb" the pain. That seems too much like what my decades of self medication with M was all about??
Any insights would be appreciated.
Could you expand on that "Lead with your brokeness" ? That sounds vey interesting but I am not sure what you mean.
I have found myself coming out of this past winter with severe anxiety right now, maybe it is mixed with some depression and general dread. I am going to see my GP this week, she had me on SSRI two years ago for about 6 months I am reluctant to use them again even although it was a mild dose. I am generally drug and substance adverse, especially if all they do is "numb" the pain. That seems too much like what my decades of self medication with M was all about??
Any insights would be appreciated.
Jverhoye
Active Member
Sure, Paul. My tendency is to project an image that I'm ok and that I have it all together. When I "lead with my brokenness" I am authentic and vulnerable. I let people know when I'm anxious, when I'm troubled, when I'm suffering. I'm ok with people seeing my imperfections and if my marriage or other relationships are in turmoil, I don't try to hide that. I ask for help when I need it and I accept it when it's offered. I reach out instead of isolate.
I think that about covers it.
I can understand your reluctance to use meds. Everyone's situation is unique, and my only advice there is to work with your GP and share your reluctance, and your reasoning.
I think that about covers it.
I can understand your reluctance to use meds. Everyone's situation is unique, and my only advice there is to work with your GP and share your reluctance, and your reasoning.
LetItGoAlready
Active Member
Jverhoye, Thanks for sharing this. It probably doesn't help that men are conditioned from the start to always be in control or at least to appear that way. I may be speaking out of turn here, but I think many of us wrestle with giving that control over to other people out of concern that we may appear "weak." I know I struggle with this. At the same time, I think keeping one's emotions bottled up is probably a pretty terrible strategy in general because, after all, here we all are...we're a bunch of out-of-control dudes who have been using PMO to self-medicate, some of us for decades.
I think it's important to recognize the emotional part of the puzzle and deal with it effectively. It sounds like you have made great strides in this area!
I think it's important to recognize the emotional part of the puzzle and deal with it effectively. It sounds like you have made great strides in this area!
Jverhoye
Active Member
It's been a very busy time for me. Lots going on at work, which historically increases anxiety and desire to PMO. I met with my former support group mates from Treatment tonight for dinner, which was great. Home life is excellent, which I am very grateful for! Looking forward to some down time in the coming week and reading journals.
fcjl8
Active Member
Jverhoye,
That is very good to read. The gratitude and pleasure in simple and positive activity such as chores or yardwork! Sometimes we begrudge activities like this as stuff we wish we didn't have to do, but a change in attitude can help us see the pleasure and satisfaction in any task... excellent sir!
That is very good to read. The gratitude and pleasure in simple and positive activity such as chores or yardwork! Sometimes we begrudge activities like this as stuff we wish we didn't have to do, but a change in attitude can help us see the pleasure and satisfaction in any task... excellent sir!
Jverhoye
Active Member
It's exciting to see so many new people joining the Reboot Nation! This is such a good resource and I continue to feel uplifted and encouraged by everyone. My wife is out of town for 2 weeks, and historically I would have thrown myself a "PMO Party." The good news is, that doesn't happen anymore and I'm so much more relaxed about her travel and being gone. I still rely on my support group to get me through the tough times, and it's not always easy. Having people in my life who support my sobriety, including this Forum, has been so huge for me.
For those who are struggling, here's some food for thought: Giving up PMO is actually giving yourself a gift--the gift of freedom from the chains that bind us.
Have a great weekend everyone, and keep fighting the good fight! It's worth it and we are all worth it!
For those who are struggling, here's some food for thought: Giving up PMO is actually giving yourself a gift--the gift of freedom from the chains that bind us.
Have a great weekend everyone, and keep fighting the good fight! It's worth it and we are all worth it!