Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal

[savingmysoul]

Praying for your continued strength.

Stay strong SORP -  recovery is recovery, unique to each of us, I guess, and critical as we all seek to redefine and rebuild who and what we are.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

My ambivalence is blossoming! Hooray! or is it still Meh? Anyway, I'm really not invested in his issues so much right now. I am very invested in what the rest of my life will look like.

I want to be happy, connected, experience belonging and some sense of myself again. I am quickly making this a reality. Probably more quickly than he expected. I think I was holding myself back, worrying about what he would do and custody of the kids. Now I'm not and I like running at full gallop.

I am pointing out to him that my success (and departure) will allow him the carefree bachelor life he's yearned for, free from my controlling grasp and manipulative womanly emotions. Lie on the couch, drinking all weekend! Hire that hot secretary - and an accountant, media person and IT tech because she can't do it all! Let your eyes see without guilt! Life is short and that is living, my good sir. lol- I crack myself up.

So he's starting to not feel so warm and happy about dumping the old lady. He tried to kiss me goodbye yesterday morning, before leaving for work. I felt like I was correcting a puppy. "No, no we don't do that anymore." I stopped this practice when he said he wanted a divorce. He may believe this is some kind of plot or emotional game of chicken. He would be mistaken. I have a final interview next week, and I'm looking at real estate, getting my financing lined up.

The kids are going to love the cozy home and happier parents.

 

[LTE]

My ambivalence is blossoming! Hooray! or is it still Meh? Anyway, I'm really not invested in his issues so much right now. I am very invested in what the rest of my life will look like.

I want to be happy, connected, experience belonging and some sense of myself again. I am quickly making this a reality. Probably more quickly than he expected. I think I was holding myself back, worrying about what he would do and custody of the kids. Now I'm not and I like running at full gallop.

I am pointing out to him that my success (and departure) will allow him the carefree bachelor life he's yearned for, free from my controlling grasp and manipulative womanly emotions. Lie on the couch, drinking all weekend! Hire that hot secretary - and an accountant, media person and IT tech because she can't do it all! Let your eyes see without guilt! Life is short and that is living, my good sir. lol- I crack myself up.

So he's starting to not feel so warm and happy about dumping the old lady. He tried to kiss me goodbye yesterday morning, before leaving for work. I felt like I was correcting a puppy. "No, no we don't do that anymore." I stopped this practice when he said he wanted a divorce. He may believe this is some kind of plot or emotional game of chicken. He would be mistaken. I have a final interview next week, and I'm looking at real estate, getting my financing lined up.

The kids are going to love the cozy home and happier parents.

He'll try a last minute power play to keep it together.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

My ambivalence is blossoming! Hooray! or is it still Meh? Anyway, I'm really not invested in his issues so much right now. I am very invested in what the rest of my life will look like.

I want to be happy, connected, experience belonging and some sense of myself again. I am quickly making this a reality. Probably more quickly than he expected. I think I was holding myself back, worrying about what he would do and custody of the kids. Now I'm not and I like running at full gallop.

I am pointing out to him that my success (and departure) will allow him the carefree bachelor life he's yearned for, free from my controlling grasp and manipulative womanly emotions. Lie on the couch, drinking all weekend! Hire that hot secretary - and an accountant, media person and IT tech because she can't do it all! Let your eyes see without guilt! Life is short and that is living, my good sir. lol- I crack myself up.

So he's starting to not feel so warm and happy about dumping the old lady. He tried to kiss me goodbye yesterday morning, before leaving for work. I felt like I was correcting a puppy. "No, no we don't do that anymore." I stopped this practice when he said he wanted a divorce. He may believe this is some kind of plot or emotional game of chicken. He would be mistaken. I have a final interview next week, and I'm looking at real estate, getting my financing lined up.

The kids are going to love the cozy home and happier parents.

He'll try a last minute power play to keep it together.

I don't think so. I had the best therapy session ever this week.

This morning he wanted me to do some manual piddly thing here at work - playing boss man. It's only the two of us in the office and he's playing King / serf. He knows I have a job interview next week and has already started trying to throw rocks in that - because it conflicted with HIS schedule. I kinda just looked at him for a minute. I'm so proud for not even rolling my eyes.

 

[LTE]

My ambivalence is blossoming! Hooray! or is it still Meh? Anyway, I'm really not invested in his issues so much right now. I am very invested in what the rest of my life will look like.

I want to be happy, connected, experience belonging and some sense of myself again. I am quickly making this a reality. Probably more quickly than he expected. I think I was holding myself back, worrying about what he would do and custody of the kids. Now I'm not and I like running at full gallop.

I am pointing out to him that my success (and departure) will allow him the carefree bachelor life he's yearned for, free from my controlling grasp and manipulative womanly emotions. Lie on the couch, drinking all weekend! Hire that hot secretary - and an accountant, media person and IT tech because she can't do it all! Let your eyes see without guilt! Life is short and that is living, my good sir. lol- I crack myself up.

So he's starting to not feel so warm and happy about dumping the old lady. He tried to kiss me goodbye yesterday morning, before leaving for work. I felt like I was correcting a puppy. "No, no we don't do that anymore." I stopped this practice when he said he wanted a divorce. He may believe this is some kind of plot or emotional game of chicken. He would be mistaken. I have a final interview next week, and I'm looking at real estate, getting my financing lined up.

The kids are going to love the cozy home and happier parents.

He'll try a last minute power play to keep it together.

I don't think so. I had the best therapy session ever this week.

This morning he wanted me to do some manual piddly thing here at work - playing boss man. It's only the two of us in the office and he's playing King / serf. He knows I have a job interview next week and has already started trying to throw rocks in that - because it conflicted with HIS schedule. I kinda just looked at him for a minute. I'm so proud for not even rolling my eyes.

I just find it unbelievable that someone could be so selfish and short-sighted as to watch his family come apart before his very eyes and not realize that he needs to make changes in his life. I wonder if he's ever given any thought to the fact that life is going to get lonely when all of this comes down. He may think about all of the freedom he'll gain, but that won't be emotionally fulfilling to him in the long run.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

No More Excuses. That was my breakthrough this week.

I have defended being less, not enough, dismissed myself and disowned my own heart. I've blamed my kids for my inability to stop this absurdity, empowering him with the "what ifs" of custody when I never had and never will have control over what he does or doesn't do. I feared instead of loved. The truth is I own my own heart. I will always be a mother to my children.  I can't let them watch me deteriorate or think that this is the way married life is supposed to be. I want more for them and myself.

Porn has taken a toll, but it hasn't won. I'll heal. Porn doesn't pick the nursing home (as I have said more than once), it doesn't prepare warm meals, help with homework, work for free in his office or wrap Christmas gifts. Porn does numb him from fully enjoying those things or understanding the value of a good woman. It doesn't enrich a life and provide comfort in the hard times.

It is all very sad, but I can't be pulled down into that tar pit too. I won't be. No more excuses.

 

[PMOVictory]

Hi SORP

It's been a while since I have read your posts.
It took my quote some time to catch up and get up to speed at what is going on in your life.

I am bombarded by mixed feelings.
To start of I'm saddened by the fact that you have put in so, so much into repairing this relationship. And at the end of the day you don't really have anything to show for it.
Then I'm glad that you are working through it all and that you are coping with what is coming your way and that you are preparing yourself, physically and emotionally to deal with it.

Then I wish I could walk up to your SO and just shake him up to catch a wake up!!! DAMN! Can any one be so arrogant, insensitive and blind! This guy had a good thing going and he did not realise it. The grip of PMO surely messed him up big time. He sure will get what he deserves, and by the looks if it it will not be moonlight and roses.

I'll play for you and the kids, it sure must be hard on them. May it go well with the interview. May your new hearts desires be fulfilled!

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I made it over a giant hurdle this week in therapy. I've let go completely worrying what he will do. I just don't care. I just really want to build a happy life for me and the kids. He should be working on the same, but he's not.

I was able to speak to my husband about the settlement of marital assets without the emotional turmoil. I could listen to him without feeling resentment. I could also address (to his dismay) the sneaky sh*t he's trying to pull financially and calmly explain the third party documentation in the audit trail I've made. Oh crap, the b*tch is back! He seemed surprised, also Judges hate that stuff.

 

[LTE]

I made it over a giant hurdle this week in therapy. I've let go completely worrying what he will do. I just don't care. I just really want to build a happy life for me and the kids. He should be working on the same, but he's not.

I was able to speak to my husband about the settlement of marital assets without the emotional turmoil. I could listen to him without feeling resentment. I could also address (to his dismay) the sneaky sh*t he's trying to pull financially and calmly explain the third party documentation in the audit trail I've made. Oh crap, the b*tch is back! He seemed surprised, also Judges hate that stuff.

It's a shame that it has to end this way, but his reluctance to face the future speaks volumes about his character, or more correctly, the degree to which his character has been damaged.

 

[Gracie]

I remember when my husband and I first started down this path.  I looked at him and said, "I don't know if I can make it past this."  We talked recently about how ugly he was in the beginning.  He said as he looks back he was reflecting his hatred for what he had done and his feelings for himself outwardly on to me.  Then, due to my childhood stuff, I became very depressed.  I am lucky because he has worked hard to make me feel valued and loved again. 

Looking at some of the men here, I know I am fortunate to have him.  He gets it.  He gets the harm he has done.  He takes responsibility.  He understands no more secrets.  He understands that secrets harm a relationship and enables people to resume or continue whatever the secret hides from the other.  We feel the love for each other.

As the wife, I have become much more vocal about what it takes for me to feel secure.  It is hard some days to know there was time that he turned away from me.  But when I feel that way, we talk.  His goal is to make me the center of his life.  And in turn, he is the center of my life.

The purpose of this post is to say, in reading the paths of other SO partners, I am one of the lucky ones.  SORP and I have been on both this site and YBR.  There are times we have described what we have went through and what we have learned and what we have observed.  Sometimes the men are downright angry with our comments.  I have been told in huge colored letters to never post on one man's journal again.  (It was about him only wanting a "10" and feeling entitled to that.  And me saying we women are so much more than our appearance.)  But, then there are men that appreciate or learn from what we say.  It is tough for women to remain here on the boards and comment.  But my goal is they understand there are two in the equation not just one.

I am sorry to see another marriage succumb to porn.  When statistics say porn is a factor in at least 50% of divorces, there is a problem.  Hopefully the message will get out that porn is not entertainment, it is damaging.

SORP  you are one of the strong ones.  You have done everything you can.  You will do well.  And therapy indeed will help you stay balanced.  Sending love and caring your way!

 

[LTE]

I remember when my husband and I first started down this path.  I looked at him and said, "I don't know if I can make it past this."  We talked recently about how ugly he was in the beginning.  He said as he looks back he was reflecting his hatred for what he had done and his feelings for himself outwardly on to me.  Then, due to my childhood stuff, I became very depressed.  I am lucky because he has worked hard to make me feel valued and loved again. 

Looking at some of the men here, I know I am fortunate to have him.  He gets it.  He gets the harm he has done.  He takes responsibility.  He understands no more secrets.  He understands that secrets harm a relationship and enables people to resume or continue whatever the secret hides from the other.  We feel the love for each other.

As the wife, I have become much more vocal about what it takes for me to feel secure.  It is hard some days to know there was time that he turned away from me.  But when I feel that way, we talk.  His goal is to make me the center of his life.  And in turn, he is the center of my life.

The purpose of this post is to say, in reading the paths of other SO partners, I am one of the lucky ones.  SORP and I have been on both this site and YBR.  There are times we have described what we have went through and what we have learned and what we have observed.  Sometimes the men are downright angry with our comments.  I have been told in huge colored letters to never post on one man's journal again.  (It was about him only wanting a "10" and feeling entitled to that.  And me saying we women are so much more than our appearance.)  But, then there are men that appreciate or learn from what we say.  It is tough for women to remain here on the boards and comment.  But my goal is they understand there are two in the equation not just one.

I am sorry to see another marriage succumb to porn.  When statistics say porn is a factor in at least 50% of divorces, there is a problem.  Hopefully the message will get out that porn is not entertainment, it is damaging.

SORP  you are one of the strong ones.  You have done everything you can.  You will do well.  And therapy indeed will help you stay balanced.  Sending love and caring your way!

It truly causes me grief to know that there are people so blinded by this that they would insist you not post on their thread because You didn't agree that they deserved a "10". It just proves that a lot of guys have yet to comprehend this problem completely.

Just for a moment, think about the movie "10" and where the story went. It starts as Dudley Moore's character celebrates his 43rd birthday and walks straight into a mid life crisis. He had been watching a swinging single neighbor via a telescope and was jealous of all the young, firm-bodied women that partied with his neighbor. He loses satisfaction with Julie Andrews, his partner in an LTR, and obsessively follows the gorgeous Bo Derek on her honeymoon. He subsequently saves the life of Bo's new husband and, while the husband is in the hospital recovering from a severe sunburn, Bo invites Dudley to her bed. Against all odds, he has the opportunity to have sex with the girl of his obsession and is about to do that very thing when her husband calls from the hospital. While the free-loving young Bo is stil willing to have sex with Dudley Moore, his conscience is alerted and he can't go through with adulterating Bo's marriage. In the last scene, Dudley is back in the Hollywood Hills and realizes how much he appreciates having Julie Andrews in his life.

While the movie was marketed as a tale of libertine sexual escapade, in essence it was a morality tale wherein the hero learned the value of following his conscience and not giving In to his lower nature. I'm not recommending the movie, theres nudity and plenty of triggers throughout, but the plot points up the futility of pursuing the perfect "10". It's a pipe dream guys.

My journey through all of this has increased my spirituality considerably. Please don't interpret the word spirituality as equating to religiosity because they are not synonyms. My dearest hope is that I can find a partner for the remainder of my life, and the most important requirement in my mind is finding someone that shares my spiritual outlook. It would be nice if that person was attractive, but anyone that accepts me will have to make allowances for physical imperections and it would be hypocritical for me to refuse to do likewise.

 

[PMOVictory]

Well said ITE

I can not agree more with you!

To anybody out there still struggling with PMO and not willing to give it you don't know what you miss, and how you are destroying your life and that of others!
To those battling to give it up!

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!

 

[Deuce26]

I think when we are gentle with ourselves, we listen to our bodies with more respect. For many, not listening has brought all kinds of issues. For me it has been acid reflux and high blood pressure because I took on stress I didn't need to take on.

I like this part.
I tell myself to be nicer to myself. We are often the last person we are nice to, no matter the circumstance. I think if we all cut ourselves some slack, that will give us the freedom to be nicer to ourselves and ultimately others.
We can be nicer to ourselves as well when others aren't nice to us. It's out of our control anyway.
I've enjoyed catching up with your blog, SORP. You and LTE have given me some new things to think about.
I have fallen off the wagon a bit as of late, but am feeling stronger these past few days.
I'm feeling closer to being me in a long time.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Had an interview close to my support tribe. It would mean a decent job ($$$, benefits), financial security after the divorce and a new life for me, a chance for my soon-to-be Ex husband to bottom out, pursue his blonde ambitions and/or heal without me as an excuse. I'm trying to keep my mind off the interview results, stay positive and open and accepting if I don't get it. I think I have a good chance. I'm over-qualified if anything, but then I question if that is just hackney hubris on my part. I need to just stop it. What happens is out of my control and what needs to happen will happen! Ahggh!

Okay. On to other things and not my desire to control others, my lack of confidence and general anxiety.

Thanks for all the comments, Gracie, Lte and Deuce26. You guys are very kind to me. Also, you're  the bombs.

Haven't cried for several days now. I think this is improvement or at least acceptance.

Prior to leaving for my interview, soon-to-be Ex tossed a bunch of barriers, time constraints and tasks for me to do at the office and home. "That schedule doesn't work for me." I just kinda laughed. On my way home, he was curious as to how the interview went. I didn't tell him details, just that I would find out something later. I think it is cruel to lead him on with intimacies like my feelings on an interview. I also still feel like he will sabotage the good things I feel about myself again. I must protect what is mine by right.

I don't think he understands that I am serious about leaving. This is no ploy or threat or manipulative shenanigan. Whether I get this job or not - I am leaving. I've given this marriage my best shot and I don't think I could do more or do it better. I'm not perfect and I leave with a great deal more knowledge about myself and my limitations.

I think I'm healing. I'm contemplating the landscape for my new and happier life, not worrying/internalizing over his feelings so much. I think this is good.

JUST HIT 500 DAYS RECOVERY! Yeah, I'm celebrating tonight. I haven't given in to that blackness again, let myself be pulled down into the murky waters where the best of me is swallowed up and lost.

 

[PMOVictory]

SORP

Like I have said before. I'm sad for you that things between you and your husband did not work out, and that his addiction is controlling him to the extend that he is not willing to see, or not even capable to see what he is doing and by that losing the most important "thing" in his life. The "thing" I'm referring to actually is more than one thing. 1. You as an understanding partner, desiring him to change, having the marriage you deserve. 2. The understanding, supportive wife that desires nothing more than a happy normal marriage that you deserve. 3. The wife, mother for his/your children. 4. His children. 5. The respect he should naturally have from his children. 6. The business partner, secretary, etc. that you were for him. In short I think the "thing" that he will be losing is a happy balanced normal life.
His addiction to porn has robbed him from being objective and seeing life for what it really should and could be. As a whole, he will be the one that is loosing out big time, while he thinks he is the one that is gaining.
No one else, that will come after you, will tolerate what you have tolerated. None will have the love and compassion that you showed towards him, not even to mention the commitment you had, especially over the last 500 days!
At the end of the day he will be all alone, miserable and lonely. Looking at pixels on a screen, thinking this will give him the company and life that he deserves, with a limp dick in his hand, all miserable... (I hope that I'm not to harsh by saying this. But this is reality.)
I believe that if he can see this picture in his mind, and experience the pain that this might bring him, he might re-consider his actions and catch a wake up. It's all about pain and pleasure. If the pain is more than the pleasure he might change for the better. But he is deceived and the thing about deception is that the deceived does not realise that they are deceived.

This is not only true for your husband, but to all and this is a law of nature...

On the other hand, I want to salute you!
You are strong, you have worked through a lot, and you have come out stronger and wiser than what you have ever been.

I'm convinced that you will find the perfect job for you! If not the one you have went for the interview, another. You are advancing in leaps and bounds. You are doing great and this is what's important now. You now need to focus on yourself... and this is what you are doing already!

Stay strong and receive the Blessings!

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

You know PMO Victory, sometimes we are the blessing and need to be ready to accept that.

I really don't wish him ill will. I hope he does get it together, but it won't be with me. He may have decided a lot about our relationship, but I've made some decisions here.

I don't think I am without blame, but I feel like I've paid that debt.

I believe that if he can see this picture in his mind, and experience the pain that this might bring him, he might re-consider his actions and catch a wake up.

It won't happen. He's a covert narcissist. It was mild/hidden for a long time, but now it is full blown. He only experiences pain when it is directed to the false self he's created. He has no empathy for others, or his inner self. He has a daily/weekly/annual routine for himself that comforts him, a script for his life that says only his role in professional life is what matters - not family. True narcissists, those that despise themselves so much they create a false self for the rest of the world, do not recover easily, if at all.

My real life matters to me and that is what I need to focus on. I will get a job. I will be a free elf again. I will have a cozy home. I will find real love. I am good and decent and I don't have to be unhappy to love my kids. Bad, unpleasant things will happen and I will get through them. No man will ever define me the way he did. Ever.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Great morning. I'm up and at it.

I've got a ton of self care to accomplish today. Before I really let go of the codependency and unhealthy feelings for myself, I would classify several of these to do items as chores. I approached cleaning my home as work, perhaps even in a demeaning way. Doing good things for yourself, like making a home clean and cozy is not a chore. It isn't done for others. It is effort one puts into one's environment because a clean, healthy sanctuary matters. Living in a dump does not reflect self respect or self love (or love and respect for others in the home for that matter).

In the codependent relationship, the self love that comes from providing one's self with a neat nest is affected. I did not care for my home, and subsequently myself, as I knew I should have. I did a good enough most of the time. A clean home was seen as a burden, a viewpoint reinforced with small gestures of neglect and disrespect from my partner. The stereotypical "put the seat up and then down" (because sprinkles and splashes just create more to clean, leaving them is unhygienic and yucky) are so annoying because a clean home is a form of self care and self respect. These little acts of tidy aggression can also multiply and get out of control, squashing the self esteem further, which leads to more filth.

When we see someone that hoards, it is evident something is wrong with the person. When we see a filthy home, one that goes beyond daily kid-dirt and sticky-just-spilled-kool-aid-on-the-kitchen-floor, it is a signpost that something is off imho. The time, priority or gumption is just not there for self care.

 

[enablerblue]

Loved this. Oddly enough, this is something I'm also working on, but in a different way.

When I am stressed or anxious I compulsively clean. I feel that the spaces in my home are one of the very few things I have control of.
It has been unhealthy. Trying to morph that compulsion into an act of self care and respect for others in the home is a fantastic way to approach it.

Respect for others. Something all of our homes seem to be craving.

 

[horpio]

Hi Sister

I've only read your first page. I have much catch up to do. All I want to say is 'hats off to you' and thank you for being kind and supportive to me and many other guys on this forum. 

 

[Deuce26]

Doing good things for yourself, like making a home clean and cozy is not a chore. It isn't done for others. It is effort one puts into one's environment because a clean, healthy sanctuary matters. Living in a dump does not reflect self respect or self love (or love and respect for others in the home for that matter).

Self love is often lost in relationships because it is seen as an extension of giving of oneself without it being reciprocated. This of course is a relative notion and it requires lack of perspective as well.
We all contribute at different levels to our relationships, whether they be to our spouses, children, extended family, friends and even strangers. The thing is, our perspective on our contribution will always differ to what others may think of our contribution. How we value what we contribute is always compared. So, you are right SO in thinking it's self love when we give of ourselves in providing a clean home because we respect that about ourselves and value ourselves enough to give that gift. It isn't a chore. We contribute and provide, and it should not be done to expect a fair reciprocity. However, something that you give should have others appreciate it through various actions.
We create our circumstances and make choices. We can also just choose to be nice to ourselves and that will reflect back into the world we create.