Year of the Dragon - SO Reboot Partner's Journal

[SO Reboot Partner]

Applied for two jobs. One within 75 miles and the other about 500 miles away. We shall see.

Appointment with lawyer today.

Making cinnamon rolls for the kids this morning.

Made a list of five things that are pretty great about myself:
1) I am worthy of my own trust.
2) I choose what I worry about.
3) I care for myself in a healthy way.
4) I am a good mom.
5) I don't depend on others or things for how I feel about myself.

 

[rider654321]

Awesome news. Your doing the right thing. Hope all goes well with the lawyer today.

 

[rider654321]

Hi SORP, (tried sending you this message privately but was unable too, I didn't want to waste the message so I have posted here. Delete it after reading if you wish?)

Just wanted to personally congratulate you for taking the action your taking now to move on from your narc hubby.
Narcissists will suck the very life out of you if you allow them too, and there is no fixing them or hoping they themselves will change. They don't have the empathy to understand how you feel or understand how their behaviour affects you.

My first wife was/is a narcissist even though I didn't know it until after we separated. Once I discovered she was having an affair (which brought our marriage to an end), the real surprise was all the lies she was telling him in emails I discovered on her computer. I'd never known my wife to lie in the 28 years we were together, and yet here she was creating an entirely false reality in the emails to her lover.

After separation the lies only got worse, and I'm telling you all this simply because you may be faced with a similar situation from your hubby once you do separate. My wife began to lie to our children about me. It's called "splitting" and narc's use this to control the way one person feels about another. In it's simplest form the narc tells person A that person B doesn't like person A, thus person A doesn't communicate with person B and so forth.

In my case my ex was trying to poison the way my kids thought about me, by saying things like, "don't tell your Father I told you this, but ........ blah blah blah". My children were 13 and 16 at the time and it was horrendous for them. My son is autistic (asperger's syndrome), and thankfully one thing he has as a result of his autism is a photo like memory for things that were said by people.

My ex had told my son that I had an affair with a woman prior to her relationship with her lover. She swore my son to secrecy saying "Dad would be really embarrased if he ever found out that you (my son) knew".

It was almost 18 months afterwards that my son slipped and made a comment and I questioned him about what he said? He told me what his mother had told him and it all began to explode in her face after that. That lead to a conversation with my daughter who, after realising she was being played as well, finally opened up and told me about all the thing her Mum was saying about me. We (my daughter and I) had been through a terrible time the proceeding 12 months all because of the things my ex was saying to her to "spit" us.

When the lies were finally exposed it really blew up. My son confronted his mother armed with a precise recollection all of all that he had been told about me having an affair, and rather than just confess she lied and apologise, my ex blamed it on my son's autism, saying "I never said Dad was having an affair, you just got things confussed because of your autism".

That was the beginning of the end of their relationship. Things just spiralled downwards from there. My son and his mother have had no contact for more than 2 years now and it is incredibly sad.

That's the way of the narcissist. If they lie and the lie get exposed, they simply invent another lie.

So as you move on with your life. Document things that are said because you'll need to be able to refer back to them. The narcissist will run your mind around in circles and leave you questioning whether your the crazy one in the relationship. They will say things in one sentance and then immediately deny saying it in the next, and tell you "your stupid, how could you possibly think I would say something like that?" 

If your children are at a vulnerable age make them aware what nacissism is and the trates to watch out for, because he will try to make this all about you, and he will try to split you and the kids. It's just their way. Adult issues are only to be dealt with by the adults, but for god sake foster open lines of communication with your children so that they feel comfortable coming to you if they ever hear anything that doesn't fit in with their belief system about you as their Mom.

Also let your lawyer know he will be dealing with a narc. It will help him to understand how to deal with the negotiating phase of your separation and settlement.

Most of all good luck with moving forward with your life. Your are 100% doing the right thing.

Cheers

Rider           

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Last few days have been tough, but after talking with the attorney - I feel at peace. The world isn't going to end and I will be fine.

He got angry today at the office. Before I would have felt that anger and started walking on egg-shells, fearing his displeasure and blaming myself (even when it wasn't me). It didn't even phase me, except to notice him being huffy.

Applied for another job. Crossed fingers!

 

[Hannah B]

I've only just joined this. I had no idea anything like this existed until about half an hour ago. I just want to say thank you for all your stories and your willingness to share to let people know they aren't alone in this.

When I was 15, I got into a very serious relationship with a guy I knew well (he was 18 at the time). We started off just as friends and then ended up together after a while. He was always incredibly pushy when it came to sex and eventually he told me he had a porn addiction and also openly told me that he was into other girls. I was angry and hurt and it didn't help that I had suffered from depression and anxiety for a couple of years prior. I dealt with it really badly. My insecurities meant that I developed an eating disorder. He called my ED an addiction, just like his and constantly compared his porn addiction to my ED. I felt so horrible. And what was worse was that I felt like I wasn't giving him the support he needed. He stopped. That's what he told me.

I felt awful asking him over the next two years. Every time he told me it was gone for good and he seemed to hate me when I asked. He told me to trust him and forever questioned my trust in him. So I stopped asking until he told me he'd gone back to it. It was horrible. I immediately felt worthless again, like he was punishing me for not being good enough by looking to find perfection elsewhere. Three years after we first started seeing each other, I was at one of my lowest points and was restricting what I ate either too 500kcals max a day or "fasting". Everything else in my life was finally feeling really good, but his addiction kept pulling me down and he treated me with less and less love. Around that time, he got down on one knee and proposed. I felt trapped and, for all the wrong reasons, said yes. I was filled with so much dread at the thought of marrying him. I know how awful that sounds, but I was so desperately miserable. I couldn't trust the man I was supposed to marry and I was completely alone because I had absolutely no one to talk to about it. He was so controlling of everything in my life that I didn't even know who I was as an individual anymore. I made the decision to end it. The day before I'd decided I needed to break off our engagement, I finally opened up to my mum. I cried and cried and that evening I had a panic attack. I felt plagued with guilt in the lead up. But, once I'd ended it, I just felt relieved, like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. I started living again.

But I still have huge trust issues when it comes to men. My expectations of men are exactly where my ex was. He told me how common it was and so I expect every guy to be the same in this respect (no disrespect to any men out there - I'm purely sharing my experiences and how I feel as a result).

Anyway, sorry for my lengthy ramble and thank you all for sharing your stories and advice. I only wish I'd come across this sooner.

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Hannah B

So I stopped asking until he told me he'd gone back to it. It was horrible. I immediately felt worthless again, like he was punishing me for not being good enough by looking to find perfection elsewhere.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. I can assure you that it's not your fault, and as I explain in this article, guys are hooked by porn because of the novelty, not attractiveness.

Anyway, sorry for my lengthy ramble and thank you all for sharing your stories and advice. I only wish I'd come across this sooner.

This site is here so we can share our thoughts and experiences... you did not ramble. Your post was very touching and I'm glad you shared it and I hope you know you are in a place you can get support and simply find people who relate and can offer up advice, or at the very least, a virtual shoulder to cry on.

Again, I hope and pray for healing for you and I know you can get through this. We're all here for you. Glad you found this site, and we hope you stick around.

Hope the best for you. Much love

 

[Hannah B]

Gabe, thank you so much for your encouragement. I really applaud the work you're doing to help those with an addiction and those around them affected by it.

How do you suggesting helping/supporting someone with a porn addiction, whilst still protecting and guarding yourself?

 

[Gracie]

SORP,  You are getting some great insights here.  I really appreciate reading them.  I think you are growing as an individual which is a great thing to do for yourself. 

The relationship with self for the porn addict is an important insight.  Because as long as that is the most important thing, they cannot reach out to others and it is always their main concern.  So thank you!

Hope everything is going okay for you in planning your future!

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Gabe, thank you so much for your encouragement. I really applaud the work you're doing to help those with an addiction and those around them affected by it.

How do you suggesting helping/supporting someone with a porn addiction, whilst still protecting and guarding yourself?

I know you addressed the question to Gabe, but I'll throw in some thoughts.

Number One - Know yourself. Respect Yourself. Love Yourself. I thought I had this down, but I didn't. Any addiction requires the addict surrender themselves to the addiction. This is how addiction survives. The addict will preserve and protect that addiction with disconnection - choosing a relationship with the addiction rather than real life people.

In trying to help him I set aside myself. I abandoned my own self respect. I did not love myself and relinquished my boundaries. I accepted most of the responsibilities for his recovery, when they weren't mine to take.

You will not find a single success story here or anywhere where the SO saved the addict. The addict has to face that on his or her own. Support means you love that person enough to let them do that and walk away so they can.

I did everything I could. I followed advice. I read. I studied. I focused on him and let the fear of relapse and failure define me. His moods became my moods. I no longer really trusted him and still don't. I let his criticisms of my body, my value as a person,  comparisons with other women become my truth. I was in agony, until I began to Know myself. Respect myself. Love myself

How to: Know yourself. Respect Yourself. Love Yourself

JOURNAL! This thread is my journal. It is the sometimes daily thoughts I have on my indirect relationship with porn addiction. This thread and another on a similar site have been invaluable to help me understand my role as an SO REBOOT PARTNER.

I did a lot of "reboot reporting" in my thread. I really didn't start to discover myself until I really read my own thoughts and saw some disturbing patterns. Whatever you write will be valuable to your recovery. Let yourself go with it, don't concern yourself with popularity or responses or anything - just pour it out for yourself.

KNOW YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE - While the result is that we are headed for divorce, it is still a success story. I am not miserable. I am not so lonely. I'm not depressed or worried anymore. I'm not dependent on him for feeling sexy or desirable, because I just am that without him. I have healthy boundaries again. I respect these boundaries because I know, trust and respect myself. The addiction did not claim me as a victim. His addiction has one less person to blame for its existence, so he's closer to healing. This is success.

GET SOME HELP! Granted, I've been in a sexless marriage for nearly a decade before finding YBOP and discovering the source of his PIED. Believing I would never have sex again, or that I was worthy of it, for the rest of my life did a number on my noggin. Therapy has helped immensely.

KNOW YOU ARE LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY. I can be a real ass, but I forgive myself and go on. More than piety or a particular religion, develop your own spirituality. Spirituality is about your own being, whereas religion is more about belief. Religion can be spiritual and part of being, but it requires some depth not just following rules and tenets of faith.

My belief in about marriage, my role as wife and partner defined my being. This was a dangerous thing as bugs hit the fan. It allowed me to feel unloved and unlovable. Working on my being and what I am to become (my spirituality) opened up the unconditional love I have for myself. This will prepare me to love others with the same love.

While this isn't comprehensive, I wish someone had told me these things a year or eight years ago. Also, I wish I listened. I try not to be regretful, but it is really a tough journey.

Wish you the best, Hannah B. I really am sorry you are going through this. Hugs and nothing but the truth -
SORP

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

SORP,  You are getting some great insights here.  I really appreciate reading them.  I think you are growing as an individual which is a great thing to do for yourself. 

The relationship with self for the porn addict is an important insight.  Because as long as that is the most important thing, they cannot reach out to others and it is always their main concern.  So thank you!

Hope everything is going okay for you in planning your future!

Jinx, I owe you a Coke! (you can tell I come from the backwoods with that comment)

I'm fine and feeling better everyday.

 

[Gabe Deem]

@ Hannah B,

How do you suggesting helping/supporting someone with a porn addiction, whilst still protecting and guarding yourself?

Tough question and I have no perfect answer.

I think showing some grace is very important as no one is perfect, but each individual has to decide for themselves what they are willing to endure for a relationship.

SORP gave you some really good points.

Understand it's not your fault. Also, most women don't acknowledge or understand that their partners porn problem probably (not all of course) started wayyyyyy before he even knew them. It isn't always the case that the guy would rather have porn than a real women, he just keeps doing what he has always done. It's not that porn is consciously our first choice, but it was our first experience, which in turn "bonds" us to our devices and conditions us to seek and come back to the neurochemical high that internet porn's novelty can give us.

I'm NOT justifying anyone's behavior as it is extremely saddening to me that our choices have collateral damage and at times we don't care or understand. Each person who watches porn in a relationship has to own up to that. I'm simply explaining that what your partner is doing with porn may have started before you, and have nothing to do with you. But since we are all broken people at some level we tend to blame others, refuse to acknowledge a problem with our behavior, and reject claims about our selfishness. Again, each person has to own up to this.

Since this is an addiction, that comes with some very serious physiological brain changes, as a partner you need to understand that, that way you can have patience with mood swings etc. Learning the science of rebooting and porn use will really help you as well. Understanding his pull to porn isn't about your attraction or something you won't do, but more about the novelty, or simply laziness/selfishness/lack of discipline it takes to pursue a women's heart and putting in the work of a relationship.

What you can do:

Create a safe environment to talk: One of the things I hear the most from guys is that when they open up to their partner they feel judged and the situation becomes hostile.... I know it's hard to do, but if your partner is willing to open up to you and shows a willingness to change, then do all you can to not curse him and shame him. It is OK to let him know you are disappointing and hurt, and even let him know that you won't be in a relationship where this continues, but don't shame, belittle and nag at him, this will push him away more than ever and he not only will keep everything inside, he might turn to porn because they don't belittle, shame and nag. Not saying he's right for turning to porn, no way, just explaining he might seek a "safe environment" if you don't provide one.

You don't have to "put up" with his porn use, and I'd advise you to share your feelings, thoughts, expectations very openly to him, but if there is a desire in him to quit, then be as understanding as possible. You can't know his heart.... so every partner has to evaluate their own situation accordingly.

Talking about the science with him will help tremendously, because it keeps it on physiology and nothing else.

Here is a great article with 5 tips for partners: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/boyfriend-quitting-porn-5-tips

and this one: http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/dating-a-heavy-porn-user

I'd also suggest starting a journal and sharing what you want, and asking what you need. It is very therapeutic to let it out, and important to know you are not alone.

I hope that helps. I hope the best for you and thank you for the kind words. Much Love

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I would add to Gabe's comment about a safe place. As an SO, you need a safe place too. A lot of your frustration, anxiety and anger will be dismissed and never allowed to fully dissipate. You will be tasked with taking the higher road at times when you don't really want to (or need to in order to heal). You need a safe place to rage and get it out, work out the toxicity before it poisons you.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I am beginning to wonder if taking a break from being a couple (and all the expectations that come with that label) is helpful to overcoming the crappy, no good, crippling anxiety that comes with being an SO to a PA.

Part of moving towards divorce is detaching from one another and our baggage. (In our case, some giant leather-bound steamer trunks filled with rocks.) It is liberating.

I have let go of fixing the ED or worrying about how he feels today or if he's connecting with the kids. (We have not discussed our pending divorce with the kids yet. I burst into tears every time I think about it.)

I am planning a life of co-parenting, applying for jobs in a 150mi radius that I can find in my career genre. I write cheerful cover letters and plot midpoints between here and there for friendly visitation hand-offs. I am looking at housing, thinking of how to set up the bedrooms so the kids feel at home in a new strange place. I wonder if they will ever think of another place as home.

I'm thinking about who I am, not the label affixed to me like those price tags on coffee cups that never seem to scrape off completely with hot water and soap, only these say WIFE instead of $0.99.

I have a lot of change to digest. He does not.

Reminder to self - I need to write about how pre-divorce has made our relationship better in my next entry.

 

[Gracie]

Hannah B.

You need to take care of yourself.  You need to have a safe place.  You have a right to your feelings.  You have a right to your beliefs about relationships and what it takes to make a good one.  Yes this is a tough road but you can choose how to travel on it.

You are worth everything you do!

 

[Therewolf]

Hello SORP,

I'm new here, but I've read your journal in its entirety and all I can say is WOW!

You are an incredible woman for exhibiting such love and devotion to your estranged husband.  I am so sorry for all the struggles you have had to endure and it breaks my heart to hear that your marriage is ending.  However, you sound like you are in a much better place at the moment.

Keep your head high and know that your story has helped us all to gain perspective and understanding of some very difficult relationship issues.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you finally find the love you so obviously deserve. 

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Some quick words learned this week - MANOPAUSE. Also I got the ice-bucket challenge regarding his feelings for me and our pending divorce.

I am an unpredictable soul-devouring ogre that gnaws on the marrow of HIS happiness. Also I can't get along with people, even though I've brought business into the office and he admits that I have done an "adequate job" running his office. 

He has communicated to me that he really, definitely, absolutely and in a totes honest way wants a d-i-v-o-r-c-e. Only he doesn't want to file, move out or change anything about HIS daily pattern, lifestyle or income. He envisions a divorce where I get a super, high-paying job in our county of less than 20K people (so he doesn't pay support) , can be amicable to his many lady-friends (for the sake of the kids) AND not "be an embarrassment" by living in a nice home (with the kids because he feels his influence with them is best scheduled) and not becoming a bar-fly or town harlot.

(Note again - divorce means many changes for me and the kids. Huband's life changes = zero, except for lack of guilt or consequence for chasing skirts or PMO. ALSO HE'S MAKING THE DIVORCE MY IDEA NOW.)

Hey, What a great plan! I hadn't planned on life as a bar-fly or town harlot (mostly because I am a weak drunk and particular about partners), so this plan seems pretty reasonable. LOL

So here's my thinking - THIS ALL ISN'T JUST PMO addiction for the 40+ Set.

Midlife crisis, Manopause, the Man-change, heck pick a name for getting old it is just a fact. A child born in 1900 had an average lifespan was around 47 years old1. Nobody had time for "retirement", or second trophy wives because they were dead by the time all that became an issue.

Men really don't handle change to their bodies as well as women. Our bodies  endure some pretty dramatic changes when we reach puberty, have babies, breast feed those babies and get older, losing estrogen and stop ovulating. It is probably this understanding of aging that makes ladies overlook the funky ear hair and eyebrow s-i-t-u-a-t-i-o-n on old guys. Dudes lose testosterone as they get older and start blaming that old hag next to them in the bed because she's making him FEEL OLD AND LESS OF A MAN! HE'S JUST NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT!

It is this mid-life, sorta-physical, somewhat hormonal, medically foggy, aging transition where many marriages get tested. Some survive and some don't.

I think the porn played a part in this, also his childhood and the resulting narcissism in that it allowed Mr. SORP to loose hissef (Sp and I'm leaving it) in the fantasy of conquering hero, Manly Man of Men, the GUY-WITH-THE-HAREM-OF-YOUNG-WOMINS. Meanie Ogre that I am, dumped a load on that bit of fun.

The thing is not all men have problems with this transition, but some do. I happen to be married to one that does - due to physical and environmental and psychological reasons he's having a rough go of it.

I suspect more than one or two of those in the 40+ group are having the same issues. The fatigue, the reduced or non-existing libido and anxiety over what the little guy will do when you get with a lady. It is pretty scary, but is it all pa-related?

Male MidLife Transistion, Androphase or whatever has a list of symptoms that can be caused by many things. There is too much ambiguity in the spectrum of symptoms to validate the condition. (it is somewhat the same with p-addiction for this group because at 40+ the testosterone levels are diminished.

I may just have the perfect storm brewing here and might have to just get in the root cellar.


1  http://www.elderweb.com/book/appendix/1900-2000-changes-life-expectancy-united-states

 

[SlaveToRighteousness]

From the way you describe him, your husband sounds like a pretty big jerk.

If you end up proceeding with the divorce, I am curious to know what you plan to tell your children. I assume that your husband does not plan to tell them about his porn addiction or emotional affair, so if the children are going to know about those things, they would have to hear it from you. Are you planning to tell them? I can understand why you wouldn't, but if you don't, then they probably wouldn't understand why you wanted a divorce and they would probably blame you for it while your husband would get to be the "good guy" and the victim...

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

From the way you describe him, your husband sounds like a pretty big jerk.

If you end up proceeding with the divorce, I am curious to know what you plan to tell your children. I assume that your husband does not plan to tell them about his porn addiction or emotional affair, so if the children are going to know about those things, they would have to hear it from you. Are you planning to tell them? I can understand why you wouldn't, but if you don't, then they probably wouldn't understand why you wanted a divorce and they would probably blame you for it while your husband would get to be the "good guy" and the victim...

First, the kids are not getting a divorce from their parents. He is a big jerk, but also their father. I won't be revealing the secrets of our marriage. If he does this, or tells lies it will be a mistake on his part.

That being said, the kids know who is part of their life and who is a distracted, disengaged unimpressed with them as people observer. Conjuring the character of "good guy" will be difficult and require work on his part - something that he finds unsustainable at this time when he deserves a better wife. At one point he did tell our children they needed to think about his emotional attachment's children - our greedy little selfish, thoughtless demons just wanted to sell donuts to him for a school fundraiser. I about lost my mind on that one, but it's in the past.

They are 12 and 14 now. I am trying my best to find a job near my extended family so my kids have the support of cousins, aunts (including his sister) and uncles, grandparents and great aunts to understand how families really work by caring and loving one another. If I can't live close, I will be engaging therapy of some type and kind so they have someone other than Mom or Dad to really get the anger out - I may do this no matter what the outcome.

Dude has made it clear what he wants and it isn't us. He might "snap out of it" or be perfectly happy with his new love. Don't care.

 

[rider654321]

SORP, you have your head in the right place to deal with what's ahead. I wish you all the best.

 

[Gracie]

Hope you are doing well.  I know this is a hard decision to make and not one that is made lightly.  Just remember that no one else lives your life for you.  You need to take care of yourself and your children.  I do miss seeing your writing here everyday.  You have such good insights.