Anothertry
Active Member
Your going great Detente! I'm rooting for you!
I think I have a problem
- Thread starter Detente
- Start date
Day 14. (I guess my counting was off -- I last rebooted on 12/3, and today is 12/17).
Thanks AT!
No serious urges. Did some more working from home, and there was some slight urge when I got bored, but nothing serious. Feeling sick has helped lessen the urge I think. I've had some more intense dreams lately. Maybe because I'm not zoning out on the Internet as much? Last night I actually had a pornographic dream. A lot of the dreams I'm having are ones where I'm in a bad or awkward situation, and I feel very relieved when I wake up and realize it was just a dream.
This weekend I have a lot of plans, and my phone and laptop blockers are still there, so I expect no issues in the next few days.
Onward...
Thanks AT!
No serious urges. Did some more working from home, and there was some slight urge when I got bored, but nothing serious. Feeling sick has helped lessen the urge I think. I've had some more intense dreams lately. Maybe because I'm not zoning out on the Internet as much? Last night I actually had a pornographic dream. A lot of the dreams I'm having are ones where I'm in a bad or awkward situation, and I feel very relieved when I wake up and realize it was just a dream.
This weekend I have a lot of plans, and my phone and laptop blockers are still there, so I expect no issues in the next few days.
Onward...
Day 17.
No real serious urges. It helps to have had things going on and a regular work week this week. With the holidays coming up I think I'll be OK also.
I do have to report another bad drinking episode this past weekend. After having several drinks at a party, I stopped in bar on my way home and drank there until closing time. Another hangover, another day of dragging the next day. This time I think I did this because I had been "revved" up by the drinking at the party and didn't want to end it. But I might do this as another way to combat loneliness. Who knows. But again a waste of time and money, and acting foolish. Also, I MO'ed when I got home. Hope to nip this type of behavior in the bud as well.
Also not doing as well with the overall digital detox as I'd like. But one thing at a time I guess.
No real serious urges. It helps to have had things going on and a regular work week this week. With the holidays coming up I think I'll be OK also.
I do have to report another bad drinking episode this past weekend. After having several drinks at a party, I stopped in bar on my way home and drank there until closing time. Another hangover, another day of dragging the next day. This time I think I did this because I had been "revved" up by the drinking at the party and didn't want to end it. But I might do this as another way to combat loneliness. Who knows. But again a waste of time and money, and acting foolish. Also, I MO'ed when I got home. Hope to nip this type of behavior in the bud as well.
Also not doing as well with the overall digital detox as I'd like. But one thing at a time I guess.
Anothertry
Active Member
Sending you good wishes....remember how I felt in similar situations.
All the very best to you and yours....
All the very best to you and yours....
Still Day 26. Been really feeling the urge to look at porn today. Not sure what it is. I think it's partly because I'm away from family now and "free" again. Also away, physically and therefore emotionally, from the family health issue. When I'm around family, I also feel more "wholesome" and feel a sense of responsibility. Sort of brings out my higher self. Not as much when I'm alone and far away.
Day 27. Took a slight risk yesterday opening up Reddit on my phone to look at a non-porn subreddit, something that might be helpful to me in my life. Not too much temptation there but a little bit. Feeling sad all around about being back home away from family and having to return to a job I really don't like. So I feel stuck. Also woke up this morning really yearning for a companion, but scared to initiate something. I imagined having sex with a loving partner, which was better than indulging in a porn fantasy. And my erection was pretty hard, which was a nice sign. Resisted the urge to masturbate. Almost at one month since the last PMO relapse.
Day 28.
Not too much temptation today. While on my computer, I saw that a photo I'd downloaded during one of my binges was in my downloads folder. It wasn't a pornographic photo per se, no nudity but an "arty" photo of a woman with a look of pleasure on her face. I deleted it.
Last night was another "binge" of a different sort. Not looking at porn, but airplane accident documentaries and videos of all things (after watching the movie "Sully"). I stayed up really late doing this. I'd like to cut out this sort of mindless binging. At least it wasn't porn-related. I think it stems from my main issues -- loneliness, aimlessness, feeling stuck, and feeling bad about being single at this age. One thing weighing on me is that I really need to switch jobs, and the prospect scares me. I don't really like the field I'm in, and switching to something better-suited would probably require me to take a large pay cut. So it's weighing on me.
Before I forget, I wanted to mention one other nasty thing about the sex chatting and porn exchange I was doing with women on Reddit. In addition to feeling bad about myself, screwing with my health, and wasting time, I was communicating with several young women who, based on their postings to other subreddits, were "damaged" in some way -- suffering from depression, past abuse, low self-esteem, etc. So it felt almost abusive in a way to be chatting like that. It's not my responsibility for them participating, but I think that they might be doing that if they felt better about themselves. Like me.
Signing off to say: I deserve a healthy, loving relationship, and I can make that happen.
Not too much temptation today. While on my computer, I saw that a photo I'd downloaded during one of my binges was in my downloads folder. It wasn't a pornographic photo per se, no nudity but an "arty" photo of a woman with a look of pleasure on her face. I deleted it.
Last night was another "binge" of a different sort. Not looking at porn, but airplane accident documentaries and videos of all things (after watching the movie "Sully"). I stayed up really late doing this. I'd like to cut out this sort of mindless binging. At least it wasn't porn-related. I think it stems from my main issues -- loneliness, aimlessness, feeling stuck, and feeling bad about being single at this age. One thing weighing on me is that I really need to switch jobs, and the prospect scares me. I don't really like the field I'm in, and switching to something better-suited would probably require me to take a large pay cut. So it's weighing on me.
Before I forget, I wanted to mention one other nasty thing about the sex chatting and porn exchange I was doing with women on Reddit. In addition to feeling bad about myself, screwing with my health, and wasting time, I was communicating with several young women who, based on their postings to other subreddits, were "damaged" in some way -- suffering from depression, past abuse, low self-esteem, etc. So it felt almost abusive in a way to be chatting like that. It's not my responsibility for them participating, but I think that they might be doing that if they felt better about themselves. Like me.
Signing off to say: I deserve a healthy, loving relationship, and I can make that happen.
Maximus76
Member
Just read your journal from the start to finish. I have no doubt that the reddit messaging with girls, hunting, getting that dopamine ping when a notification shows a new incoming message, is a real addiction for you. Just as you yourself have realized. On a positive note though it is a good thing to come to realizaion about it, even if it feels bad, because then we can do something about the problem. Just like you now are doing.
I too have the same problem, not with reddit but another site where I get hooked into trying to get to write with someone of the opposite sex and then I escalate into all sorts of writing about stuff I actually would not want to do in real life. After i'm done I often feel a bit disgusted about myself and the way I wrote with her. My real sexual taste is vanilla sex and I'm not interested in shemales, guys or old/young age play yet those are the stuff I find myself writing about again and again, just to get a reaction from them, and in someway amp up the dopamine levels even higher for myself because of that, when they start asking me questions about it. (they think I actually has done any of those very kinky and unusual things I describe to them yet I'm only making it up)
For me, I know I must keep that site blocked, becaouse it is there I have programmed my brain to be this way. So I think it is good that you try to avoid reddit at all costs!
Stay strong!
I too have the same problem, not with reddit but another site where I get hooked into trying to get to write with someone of the opposite sex and then I escalate into all sorts of writing about stuff I actually would not want to do in real life. After i'm done I often feel a bit disgusted about myself and the way I wrote with her. My real sexual taste is vanilla sex and I'm not interested in shemales, guys or old/young age play yet those are the stuff I find myself writing about again and again, just to get a reaction from them, and in someway amp up the dopamine levels even higher for myself because of that, when they start asking me questions about it. (they think I actually has done any of those very kinky and unusual things I describe to them yet I'm only making it up)
For me, I know I must keep that site blocked, becaouse it is there I have programmed my brain to be this way. So I think it is good that you try to avoid reddit at all costs!
Stay strong!
Day 29.
No temptation today. Tired after a few drinks to celebrate the New Year and staying up late, but with friends. I also think posting here regularly helps, and knowing people are reading this.
Maximus, that site sounds pretty cool -- can you PM me the address? Just kidding. What you've described is very much like my experience. Acting like I'm interested in things I'm really not, to get interest and conversation from women who do get turned on by those things. Blocking Reddit on my computer and getting an app that lets me shut down my phone has helped.
I deserve a loving, healthy relationship, and I can make that happen.
No temptation today. Tired after a few drinks to celebrate the New Year and staying up late, but with friends. I also think posting here regularly helps, and knowing people are reading this.
Maximus, that site sounds pretty cool -- can you PM me the address? Just kidding. What you've described is very much like my experience. Acting like I'm interested in things I'm really not, to get interest and conversation from women who do get turned on by those things. Blocking Reddit on my computer and getting an app that lets me shut down my phone has helped.
I deserve a loving, healthy relationship, and I can make that happen.
Day 30.
No real urge to go on Reddit or look at porn, but I was feeling a strong urge to masturbate this morning. I think going without a release for weeks on end is going to pose a challenge. On a positive note, my thoughts were more in the realm of sex with a partner, not a fantasy based on porn I've looked at or discussed with women. So more "wholesome" thoughts. Also, hopefully this reflects a reset, and my normal libido is returning.
Not doing so well on reducing my technology use. Still wasting lots of time looking at videos, etc. Having trouble motivating myself to get productive things done. Need to work on that.
Next week I have another work trip. I think there will be some risk of at least masturbating, and possibly going on Reddit.
No real urge to go on Reddit or look at porn, but I was feeling a strong urge to masturbate this morning. I think going without a release for weeks on end is going to pose a challenge. On a positive note, my thoughts were more in the realm of sex with a partner, not a fantasy based on porn I've looked at or discussed with women. So more "wholesome" thoughts. Also, hopefully this reflects a reset, and my normal libido is returning.
Not doing so well on reducing my technology use. Still wasting lots of time looking at videos, etc. Having trouble motivating myself to get productive things done. Need to work on that.
Next week I have another work trip. I think there will be some risk of at least masturbating, and possibly going on Reddit.
Day 31. No real risk today of going on Reddit or finding other Internet porn, but I thought a lot about sex today, mainly about past experiences I've had with women. I feel a lot of sadness around that. The vast majority of my sexual encounters did not take place within a relationship -- they've mainly been one-offs or casual situations, or situations where I did not envision the relationship progressing and I was too weak to be upfront about it. Sadly, I've probably had sex with more women than normal (which I'm not proud of) and at the same time I am definitely less sexually experienced than normal. Explaining this to a potential girlfriend is a scary prospect. However, I do see my interest in sex as a positive sign. Without porn, I direct that sexual energy in a real relationship.
I still find myself acting out with technology in a way that seems to be a substitute for my compulsive Reddit issue. I'm mindlessly swiping through profiles on dating apps, and focusing on women's answers to sex questions on OK Cupid. Most ominously, I've bookmarked or "liked" or even written to some women mainly based on the potential to have sex with them. I'm wasting my time and not focusing on women who would probably be a better fit for me (i.e., kind, sweet, down-to-earth). Part of me does want some kinkiness in a relationship (I think -- or maybe it's just what I think when I'm not in one), but that may be possible with someone who's a good fit for me.
Not using porn in 30 days has, despite my continued tendency to binge on technology, freed up some emotional space, and it's helped me realize how lonely I am. That's not necessarily bad. Without porn to distract or numb me, that feeling of raw loneliness may compel me to really go out and find someone and something real.
The job situation continues to weigh me down. But maybe if something positive was going on in my love life, a real connection, I wouldn't feel so demoralized and would have more energy and optimism to make a change there.
Signing off for today by saying: I will find someone who will love me for me.
I still find myself acting out with technology in a way that seems to be a substitute for my compulsive Reddit issue. I'm mindlessly swiping through profiles on dating apps, and focusing on women's answers to sex questions on OK Cupid. Most ominously, I've bookmarked or "liked" or even written to some women mainly based on the potential to have sex with them. I'm wasting my time and not focusing on women who would probably be a better fit for me (i.e., kind, sweet, down-to-earth). Part of me does want some kinkiness in a relationship (I think -- or maybe it's just what I think when I'm not in one), but that may be possible with someone who's a good fit for me.
Not using porn in 30 days has, despite my continued tendency to binge on technology, freed up some emotional space, and it's helped me realize how lonely I am. That's not necessarily bad. Without porn to distract or numb me, that feeling of raw loneliness may compel me to really go out and find someone and something real.
The job situation continues to weigh me down. But maybe if something positive was going on in my love life, a real connection, I wouldn't feel so demoralized and would have more energy and optimism to make a change there.
Signing off for today by saying: I will find someone who will love me for me.
Day 33.
No urges to view porn or chat with women. Been pretty busy with work. Still screwing around with excessive technology use. I came home after a late night at the office and stayed up listening to music into the late hours, then getting up late and getting into work late. Hoping to get to sleep at a decent hour tonight and up at an early hour to be at an appointment on time.
No urges to view porn or chat with women. Been pretty busy with work. Still screwing around with excessive technology use. I came home after a late night at the office and stayed up listening to music into the late hours, then getting up late and getting into work late. Hoping to get to sleep at a decent hour tonight and up at an early hour to be at an appointment on time.
Maximus76
Member
Be a bit careful with this because it mimics the addictic behaviour and beacuse of that it can fire up the same pathways in the brain. Those pathways should, if at all possible, fire as little as possible as to soon weaken and give place for other, more natural ones.
Day 33 already, you are doing great man! Keep rocking!
Day 35.
Thanks Maximus. I really do need to look at my overuse of technology. I do think it's addictive, especially with my phone. Constantly checking games I have, news, my finances, etc. Doing that must be affecting by brain, even if I don't get the same reward from M'ing. It's also a soothing source of relief from having to concentrate and work. I can barely read a book anymore.
Yesterday I probably felt the biggest urge to go back on Reddit and chat with women since this 35-day period began. It's definitely tied to the end of the work week and the feeling of freedom that brings. Plus being tired I think. The temptation began at work late in the day. Luckily there wasn't much risk for me, especially knowing I have the blocker on my computer.
Thanks Maximus. I really do need to look at my overuse of technology. I do think it's addictive, especially with my phone. Constantly checking games I have, news, my finances, etc. Doing that must be affecting by brain, even if I don't get the same reward from M'ing. It's also a soothing source of relief from having to concentrate and work. I can barely read a book anymore.
Yesterday I probably felt the biggest urge to go back on Reddit and chat with women since this 35-day period began. It's definitely tied to the end of the work week and the feeling of freedom that brings. Plus being tired I think. The temptation began at work late in the day. Luckily there wasn't much risk for me, especially knowing I have the blocker on my computer.
Day 36.
No real risk or temptation today. Pretty good weekend of hiking yesterday and going to a meeting of some people with a common interest. Working on some new nutrition approaches. Going out of town this week, but right now I don't feel too worried about a relapse. Still need to delete some dating apps. Still wasting my time a bit on some. Not sure why I'm not able to do it. I guess I have several "collected" matches that I don't want to give up, even though I haven't initiated any conversations with them.
No real risk or temptation today. Pretty good weekend of hiking yesterday and going to a meeting of some people with a common interest. Working on some new nutrition approaches. Going out of town this week, but right now I don't feel too worried about a relapse. Still need to delete some dating apps. Still wasting my time a bit on some. Not sure why I'm not able to do it. I guess I have several "collected" matches that I don't want to give up, even though I haven't initiated any conversations with them.
le_petit_moster
Active Member
Dear Detente....I wish you well.. you have killed the 'little monster' the brain chemical stuff. You seem to be good with the 'big monster' the brain wash stuff. However, what I have seen is when you start avoiding people, things or situations ( phone in your case) you are transferring too much power to this illusory monster PMO. Please be aware of this. The strange thing is once you become aware of this..you can still check news as often as before but your mind will be clear that you are there only for news. You get what I am saying ? Wish you the best.Detente said: