I think I have a problem

[TakeActionNow]

Detente,
you may not realize this: by reaching 90 you have become a role model for us.
And we are all grateful to you.

Please keep a piece of paper on you always.
List down on it
1. all the important things that matter to you
2. all the goals you want to achieve
3. all the alternative actions you can take what triggers hit

Keep on taking action towards your goals all the time
keep on referring to your note whenever you need to
keep on helping others like you have helped yourself
keep on loving and respecting yourself fully and unreservingly.

Be your own hero by being our hero too.
Thank you for being strong  !

 

[Detente]

TakeActionNow, thank you very much.  That is a great idea.  I'll work on developing those lists and keeping them handy.  I may report back and set them out here if they're not too personal.

Knowing that people are reading this and have seen me get to 90 is also a good backstop against temptation.  But I have been feeling tempted lately.  Hopefully it's just an interim phase between PMO fantasy and relationship reality.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Detente,
you are a good person and i am very proud of you.

I would like to share with you:
our temptations may be managed better through better understanding of the full cycle.

our actions are not singular in nature.
the process is usually   
Triggers -> decision -> action -> outcome
Frequent repetition of behavior turns it into habit which we do then repeat unconsciously

Unless we manage the full cycle,
- it is very difficult to break the habit by simply addressing one component, eg abstinence
- because it is a habit the likelihood of repetition is very high.

to break a habit, we need to bring in motivation, price, deterrents, alternatives so that we become more mindful of what we are doing, catch the triggers early and chose an appropriate action

I made a list here today.
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=13720.msg139509#msg139509
Please have a look and add whatever you think can help in our thought & management process.

Thanks !

 

[Detente]

I took a look at your extensive list.  Very well thought-out.  I think times when I'm bored and/or stress-free are really dangerous for me, trigger-wise.  Keeping an "effects/consequences" list would be helpful.  Right now, having not done PMO for so long, it's hard to remember the horrible feeling I have after going on a bender.  It's like I was another person.  I forget that at any time I can descend there again.

Today actually I had another slippage, but not full-on PMO.  I viewed a sex video that was related to something in the news.  So pretty much porn, but newsworthy in a sense.  (Not that I had to view it in order to understand the story.)  Basically an excuse to view something.  I overrode my computer's adult content blocker and viewed it.  I didn't M, but just viewing it put me in more dangerous territory. 

A powerful motivator, as you've listed, is not breaking the no-PMO streak.  I'm well past 90 now and have made it through another month.  It would be a shame to blow up that progress and have to start over.

My next goal is to get to August 16 (two weeks from now).

 

[TakeActionNow]

Detente,

thank you for going through the list.
Let's call it our list.

Your post made me think more about the clean day number.
I realized that in the process of honoring the number, we are not just RESPECTING our past efforts, we are also developing STRENGTH to continue on.

Whenever we say no to PMO, we are exerting and developing the strength, resilience and endurance required in real life to see our vision and purpose through.
These efforts to deny instant gratification and focus on long term improvement goes directly to developing character and building confidence.

It is more than a number.
It represents who we are and what we stand for.

Take care my friend,  I'll hear from you soon.

 

[Detente]

Still PMO-free.  I do feel stirrings at times, though, to go back online.  I know that I'm not necessarily ever going to be out of the woods.  I think I'm noticing a regular sex drive coming back, one not influenced by P.  Or, more that I'm not using P to ramp up the sex drive, and thinking more about getting out of the fantasy life and into real life. 

I'm still struggling with being distracted electronically, with my phone, reading the news, etc.  I would like to get back to a routine of turning devices off or not making them accessible after a specified hour.  And a solid morning routine with some meditation, maybe some yoga, some inspirational reading.  Getting up and getting into work on time has been a major issue for me.

I've made good progress on the career front and am starting a new position.  I've also been exercising a bit more, and plan to set some goals down.  And I'm dating a bit, but would like to get serious about it and not just go on dates for the sake of it, but to develop a relationship.  Not sure what the reluctance is there.  Probably has to do with giving up the full autonomy I have.  But the alternate path is being alone.

TakeActionNow,  I haven't created my list yet.  I still think it's a good idea.

My mini-goal is to get through the end of August -- 11 days.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Detente,

reading your post is inspiring.
you are doing great !

 

[Detente]

Thank you sir! Still abstaining. Lots going on right now as well. Still need to get more serious about dating and finding someone I click with.

Next goal is to get to September 17.

 

[lyon03]

Hey D?tente. Thanks for your posts my friend. I've just read through them. How are you these days brother? I look forward to your next update. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Detente]

Hey Lyon, been a while but here's my update. Still PMO free, but with what I'll call a serious "blip." I connected with a woman on a pen-pal site that's supposed to be clean and free of sex talk -- that's the selling point of it. We didn't talk about sex there, but she said she likes chatting and we moved to Facebook. We've chatted there several times, and eventually it did turn to sex and then explicit sex chat. She is divorced with a couple of kids, so maybe that's an outlet for her.

I did M after that, and we had another session where I didn't M if I remember. I am not counting this as a full relapse because it didn't involve porn and we have chatted about other things, so it's not just sex. And we did connect a bit, so she is/was not a complete object to me. Porn is the thing I'm most worried about because of what it does to the brain, and those Reddit sites also are really bad for me because of my compulsive behavior with it. However, this is not good or healthy. She lives around the world and I have no expectation that a real relationship would develop, so what am I doing? It seems like another attempt to avoid putting myself out there and try to connect with someone. And the best test is how I feel afterward -- did I feel good about myself? No. Empty and lonely. And tired and regretful. I have not chatted with her for over a week now I think We have chatted about 5-6 times.

Overall, I'm not doing so well emotionally I must admit. I'm adjusting to a new job, which I think was a good move, but it's not perfect and it's hard being the new person. So there's stress there. I'll have to remember all the reasons I took it when things feel tough. I also tend to put a bit more pressure on myself. At the same time, I've started to show up late, even though I have a great commute now. I do work late and then end up staying late, so it's a bad cycle. I have trouble getting off the computer and consuming news and going to bed at an early time. I think part of that is all the bad news out there that I feel I need to keep up on, but also possibly another avoidance mechanism -- avoiding going to bed with my own thoughts, alone, reminding myself that I'm alone. When I'm locked into work and reading the news, I'm not really connected to myself and what I'm feeling. What I'm really feeling may be loneliness and regret. Although there are times it hits me, which I actually think is a good thing. I'm good at grinding it out, going to work, focusing on the  practical things, being robot-like, but months and years go by.

I'm also not exercising and sleeping well or eating well. A result of the late night, late morning cycle.

However, I think I can get a handle on this. I'll be moving, so there will be more upheaval, but once that's done I'll have an even better commute, which will give me more time that I hope to make good use of -- exercising, cooking, sleeping 7-8 hours a week, socializing, and dating.

So perhaps my PMO-free streak needs an asterisk, but I think it's still alive. My next goal is to get through the end of this month.

Wishing everyone lots of progress and strength!

PS -- I guess the trackers aren't working anymore? I added a sig and will have to track that way. It was nice though to see the number of days.

 

[lyon03]

Thank you for sharing so honestly my friend. You make an excellent point about borderline or questionable behaviour: "How did I feel after?" My rule is simple: am I seeking sexual stimulation via screens? When I focus on the virtual, this takes away from any real-world connections. Thanks for reminding me of that my friend. I too miss the trackers! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Detente]

Thanks, and thanks for reading. I actually feel pretty crappy today, emotionally. But I think in good way -- feeling lonely and knowing it. So hopefully that will prompt me to do something about it.

Wish you all the best.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing friend. You've reminded me that loneliness can't kill me! Keep posting/coming back. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Strike a true path]

Hi D?tente,
Good that you are in touch with your feelings -even if they are not pleasant ones right now.
I used to automatically go for the porn when I felt bad -it was such an instant automatic knee-jerk response that I didn't have chance to feel hardly anything. Which I guess is why I did it. Now though, I can feel these feelings, decide to avoid using and to do something else more healthy. Experiencing my feelings has given me chance to gain control.
Hope today is better for you

 

[Detente]

Gentlemen, I'm back for another update. Still no PMO, although I must say I have had some temptations at times to go back on Reddit. And I had another sexual chat with the woman overseas I mentioned before. I am PMO-free in the sense that I did not look at P and the person I've been chatting with has not been a "one-off" -- we've chatted about other topics and have chatted without it turning sexual.

But I must stay I don't feel good about it. I go back to how I feel after it's over -- empty, lonely, immature. And guilty or icky in the sense that deep down many of the women I've chatted with want something more in their lives I'm sure.

Questions to ponder: Why am I not aiming higher for myself? Why do I think chatting with many women or having actual sex with many women will bring me happiness? Why am I being so arrogant, assuming as the years go by I'll still be a "catch"? Why am I being so choosey? Why won't I share or compromise? Why do I act as if staying alone will work out in the long run? Why don't I think about the fun, security, laughter, romance, and connection a relationship can provide?

I fear that I've just been an autopilot too long and won't be able to overcome this sense of cynicism or weariness I feel about relationships, and really life in general. Got to get back to the basics -- trying to be a good person, kind, generous, humble, healthy, good-intentioned. The last one is probably the most important to me right now.

Next commitment is to get to the end of this month PMO-free.

Thanks lyon03 and Strikeatruepath and all for reading.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Detente, i am on the same page as you.
after coming out of pmo, our earlier choices that lead us to today is clear as daylight.

Dive deep.
Keep asking the most difficult questions.
Find your answers. They are there.
I'll say this... We don't have what we want today is because we did not aggressively pursued it yesterday with greatest urgency.
Pmo has a calming, completing effect.
It makes it very hard for us to take risks, go for broke.
It robs us of time to discover more things new or about ourselves.
It changes our opinion of completeness from internal to external.
Stopping pmo is only 10% of the activity.
True recovery is the 90% thereafter soul searching, reevaluation choice making afterwards.

Be strong my friend. There is much about us needed to be restored. But the rewards are definitely there.

 

[Detente]

Checking in again.

TakeActionNow, I really like this statement of yours: "We don't have what we want today is because we did not aggressively pursue it yesterday with greatest urgency." We indeed are the product of our focus and choices.

I felt that exquisitely over the Christmas holiday, being around family but being alone, still. It puts into sharp relief the kind of life I'm living, where I've ended up, what I've missed in life. I wish I could bottle up the raging depression, fear, panic, and embarrassment I felt this past weekend, and keep it handy as motivation to make changes. I wish I had updated this thread during the worst of it to create a record of it. I did re-read this entire thread while in the throes of the emotional crisis I was having. I saw how this thing really did/does have a grip on me and, upon reflection, the emptiness it produces. It shows how lost I can get.

Now that I'm back home and again, on my own, away from family, and returning to work, the intense feeling of dread has already faded away, which means I may risk slipping back into the day-to-day grind and habits that keep me stuck.

I have remained PMO-free, Reddit-free. It's now been 279 days since my last PMO relapse on March 23, 2017. But as noted, I've had a couple of sex-chat episodes with someone I've met online.

I hope to remain PMO-free and use this space to track my efforts to examine myself, improve myself, face fears, and develop a meaningful relationship with someone.

A goal this week is to write to the online friend, and another I've met through OK Cupid essentially for flirting purposes, and be upfront with them that I'm not interested in a relationship and that I don't want to treat them as a sexual outlet, which essentially was the case. I've only truly been interested in chatting when I've been in the mood, or merely bored. It's rude to leave them hanging, especially the OK Cupid friend, who I met in person once and could have become physical with but didn't, knowing I would have regretted it.

The other goal is to delete all messages and bookmarks I have on OK Cupid with women that I am not serious about potentially dating -- the ones in open relationships, looking mainly for sex, attractive but not likely a good fit, etc. I need to seek connection, meaning, and love -- what I see in my family, which shows me what I'm missing.

An ongoing goal of course is to remain PMO-free. My next goal is to reach January 14, 2018 with no PMO.

I'll develop other goals I'll track here around health, work, and other topics, but this is it for now.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Thank you for returning, old friend.

I realize that as we leave the old world of external dependence behind, we start discovering the stronger, more resilient inner world that is ourselves.

This inner resilience is so important in our wellbeing.
It defeats depression, negativity and neediness.

It gives us faith and confidence in ourselves and our future.

I am stronger simply by loving myself better.

I know you will shine through too.

 

[Detente]

Thank you, Take Action Now, and thanks for reading.

I must say my confidence in myself is in the shitter at the moment. Mainly around my new job. It's going to be more challenging than I expect, and I fear that I'll fall into helplessness and figure out a way to meet the challenge. I must say though a lot of people are feeling pressure, not just me, and some of my coworkers seem beaten down.

My fear is that this job will wind up being all-consuming, driven by my anxiety over it. Working late, working weekends, etc. I have done that in the past with stressful jobs (or jobs that felt stressful to me). I've also sort of numbed myself through work. I used to spend weekends at the office just screwing around, not really getting anything done. I really want the job to be steady so that I can focus on dating, which will bring stress as well.

I must say I'm feeling pretty damn lonely right now, and isolated. Writing here is one way to connect in some fashion.

Of the tasks I laid out in my last post, I wrote to one of the women (who's local) to say I didn't want to pursue anything, and I think it was not unexpected, and not a big deal to her. She's a bit of a free spirit. I must confess that if she was open to flirting again I probably would have. Haven't reached out to the other one or cleared through OK Cupid.

On health/spiritual front, I've been meditating every day so far this year, and hope to keep that going.

So the biggest issue right now is the job. I really don't want to have it overwhelm me. When that happens I sort of shut down and feel trapped. It becomes my entire focus because it's what keeps the basics of life (food, shelter) on track. Also, I think my "approval addiction" kicks in - it's very stressful for me when I feel my boss/managers are disappointed in me. Not so good at just feeling I did my best and

It's been busy period with a new job and moving, so I have to recognize that. A couple of big stressors there.

No PMO or looking at P. I've found my way to Reddit actually, just through a Google search on investing (I'll have a chunk of money after selling my place), job options, etc. No real temptation to go over to the forbidden subreddits, but I recognized the risk.

Any self-employed Rebooters out there? I fantasize about that, but that's got to be much more stressful than a steady paycheck and probably not the best idea for me, at least not when I'm alone. Trying to do everything alone is really unhealthy and probably very limiting. I imagine I'd try more and live more if I had a partner. Who knows.

 

[Detente]

I haven't updated in over two months. I went up to a line recently but didn't technically cross it, but it was the closest relapse yet. I connected with a woman on OK Cupid who wanted to share photos and videos, and she sent me several over several days. I even downloaded Snapchat at one point. Some of the same Reddit compulsion was there with this -- refreshing the anonymous email account I'd set up to if she'd replied, etc. And generally feeling scuzzy about it. I say I technically didn't cross the line because I didn't M. But I didn't feel good about myself, and it was easier to recognize that earlier on now, seeing how empty it felt. I deleted Snapchat and the anonymous email account.

I'm almost 365 days PMO-free, not counting this blip and the other sex chatting things I've mentioned.

That's good, but I've just fucked something up in real life that I think is sort of related to PMO in the sense of avoiding real relationships and intimacy. It's also left me feeling extremely ashamed and regretful, but worse than PMO in the sense in that real people are involved. I don't know if I want to detail it here, but I'm putting it out there just for some support. If anyone is reading this and can just reply and say anything supportive, I'd appreciate it. I made a big mistake when otherwise I had things going in a good direction. I don't know how this situation is going to play out. Massive regret right now.