Five year no PMO journey

J

jjacks

Active Member
Day 10 no MO, 17 no PMO. Still busy, still clean. I am hoping my wife will be in the mood soon ... it does not happen often, but I feel really good without P and M and my confidence that I will be able to stay up for her is rising. Even at 67 a guy gets horny once in a while.

I am concerned about her upcoming trip in 2 weeks when she will be away for a few days, leaving me alone in the house. Until I started this reboot, I would be anticipating this, a time to stay naked and edging all day and evening with my cam buddies and drop a few good loads with a hot girl on cam or with another dude. I am starting to feel a bit apprehensive, knowing that I will have to summon up all of my strength to fight that urge.

But I will not let the fear drive me. I will reach day 24 and I will have passed the test. 
 
Phase2

Phase2

Well-Known Member
You're doing good JJ, keep it up.

And so you know this 2 week period of temptation is coming up, so plan for it now so you will be able to handle it with aplomb.s I don't know all the details of your reboot, but I really feel like getting rid of temptations PERMANENTLY makes it much easier to resist. It's like telling your brain the battle is over and now the only way to go is the right way. That said, delete the info on your cam buddies. Don't say bye. Don't contact them. Just delete their names and all the conversations from the app. FOR GOOD. Then delete the app--skype or whatever. Then put tape over your webcam (symbolic). Also delete all porn, duh! THEN, plan lots of things during those two weeks to keep you very busy: new workout plan, dinners with friends, exploring the city, day trips, etc. Now is the time to take the bull by the horns. Plan, plan, plan. Don't be defeated. Be proactive.

Good luck!
 
laalee

laalee

Active Member
I am so slippery today half got to do with a hangover but feeling really horny.  My default is to find anonymous sex
or PMO i was not successful in meeting anyone and that is a no no for me either 7mnths no sex so my next thought is PMO the desire is so strong.  Tried to m but i cant because im so use to using porn and if i do m i feel guilt because i live with my mother and feel bad to do it as she is home 24/7 :'( :'(
 
J

jjacks

Active Member
Thanks, Phase2 all good suggestions. It is day 11 no MO 21 no PMO. I destroyed all the triggers - the porn and cam accounts and passwords - the day I started counting. Except one. There is one trigger left, and that is being alone. I work from home so I will really be alone. the days she is gone. It is something I will have to deal with.
 
Phase2

Phase2

Well-Known Member
Well only one trigger (being alone) is better than 10 triggers. So good for you.

I've found the best way to not go down the path to porn is to not take even the tiniest step in that direction. Once you let it start, your brain quickly rationalizes that its ok to take another step, another peek, maybe your hand reaches to your dick, one look at facebook, one look at tumblr, ok a quick look at an old favorite vid, etc etc until three hours later your pants are at your ankles and your feeling like a piece of crap. So don't take that first step!!! Be mindful of it. Maybe use that old trick: a rubber band around your wrist and you snap it hard every time you have a tempting thought?

I know it aint easy, especially at the beginning. But this is an important test for you. Go Big!
 
J

jjacks

Active Member
Day 14 no MO day 21 no PMO.

My mind is wandering, I keep circling back to the thought that I need to get these clothes off and my hand around my dick, even with my P triggers all gone.

I remember when I quit smoking decades ago how the craving kept coming back, how surprisingly tough the first three months were. I never thought that kicking P and M would be that way, but it is starting to look like it might be. By the way, thirty years later, I have not had a cigarette, but I still think about it on the rare occasion. However, I am an addict so i cannot have one. It has become easier to say no every day. I will always be a PMO addict, and I cannot slip back even one time.

I am over the thought for now - just writing about it helped, I guess.  Got to keep those counters on the increase.
 
Phase2

Phase2

Well-Known Member
You're doing great JJ. Stay strong.

After a two or three months, honestly, I rarely even thought about PMO anymore. That habit of jerking off before bed or because I'm bored and have an hour or two alone, is no longer. My brain literally doesn't go to PMO by default anymore. I guess once in a blue moon I consider it as an option, but the daily torture is gone. So as you go forward, I think there will be an ease up ahead. It wont be constant struggle.

Keep going man!
 
J

jjacks

Active Member
Day 15 no MO day 22 no PMO. I dumped my more porn and camming accounts on day 1, and I do not think I really miss them or the virtual online friends that I made there for the sole purpose of whacking off together. Yet, for some reason, being alone in my home office, my mind still wanders to the old habit of pants down and hand on my penis. I am not doing that, though, not now ...

As an ex-smoker (clean 30 years), I have come to realize that this is a more difficult struggle than quitting smoking, and, possibly, alcohol. It strikes me that perhaps a major difference is that smoking and drinking are generally socially acceptable as is quitting them. Porn and masturbation addiction are quintessentially solo. You do not share these activities with others, and so it is really difficult to ask these same others to support you as you kick them. My biggest monster is the substantial time I spend alone, which triggers this addiction.

Some people here have shared this with their spouse ? I do not feel I can do that. I suspect that the idea of what I have been hiding from her for all these years would hurt her terribly. I will struggle with this on my own. I draw inspiration from reading others? journals.  In the meantime, my pants are in a respectable place.
 
F

Farmer1016

Active Member
Keep moving forward sir. Learn about yourself as you go.

Recognize danger signs before you get close enough for them to be an issue for you.

You're right about the social aspect of this addiction. It's not something you can readily share with others because of the stigma attached to it. That's why I've found the online community here as well as on coach.me so important. There's no rejection or judgement in either of those places and you're surrounded with fellow travelers.

Keep going. You're doing great!
 
J

jjacks

Active Member
Day 17 no MO 24 no PMO.

Last night, my wife and I had sex for the first time since I started down this path. I didn?t expect miracles, especially at 67 years old, but there were a few pleasant surprises. I noticed an instant firming up as soon as we touched, and my penis throbbed like it hasn?t in a long time during foreplay. It softened up after a while, but it remained firm enough for me to penetrate easily and for us to enjoy our time a little bit longer than we had been.

As good as that was, I was pleased to note that, throughout, my mind did not fill with images of others and my sense of anxiety seemed to be replaced by a focus on her pleasure. A huge step for me and for our love life together.

Hot damn! I think this is going to work!


 
Phase2

Phase2

Well-Known Member
congrats buddy! good for you. keep going.

I will say this, the recovery isn't alway 'linear' so in the future you may have some setbacks, but just know that is a possibility and stay positive for the next time.

I have some sexual anxiety and when things start to go south my mind can spin like a top and kill my boner for good. But if I remember that erections come and go during sex and sometimes I'm in the mood and sometimes I'm not, it helps. One of the problems with watching porn is we train ourselves to think we are supposed to act like porn stars with 24/7 boners and all the moves. So hopefully everyone's reboot is a reminder to each of us that we are all HUMAN and to go easy on ourselves!
 
J

jjacks

Active Member
Day 19 no MO 26 no PMO. Woke up this morning with a nice wood. Great to start feeling like a real man again.

Tomorrow, the big test begins. My wife is going away for a few days, leaving me all by myself ... always a huge trigger ...
 
J

jjacks

Active Member
Day 20 no MO 27 no PMO. I dropped my wife at the train station and am now back home, facing four days and nights all alone as she spends time with her sister. 

If this were last month, I would have stripped my clothes off, called up my favourite porn and cam sites, and MO?d within minutes of getting back into the house. But I didn?t. Instead, I changed into loose pyjama pants, more comfortable than snug jeans.

I wrote a long email to my best friend - I have owed him an answer since the spring. I sorted through my winter sweaters and filled a bag for the Goodwill. I will now spend a few minutes and read some more of the journals here. I have learned so much here. Everybody here has something to contribute, a little observation or discovery which points me in a direction out of this morass. Maybe watch an old movie on TV, and catch up on some well-earned sleep. Tomorrow, get to work early so I can finish early and get stuff done around the house. No excuses needed.
 
F

Farmer1016

Active Member
You're doing really well sir.

If you ever need someone to talk to, and through these next few days especially, I'm only a message away.

We're all on this pathway together, traveling back to normal.
 
Phase2

Phase2

Well-Known Member
Good luck buddy. We are going to be checking in on you over the next four days. Stay strong for all of us.

And stay busy and out of the house. Go to movies, parks, long walks, dinners with friends. You can defeat this!
 
J

jjacks

Active Member
Glad to have you watching. All good suggestions but nature re-prioritized things and dumped 10 cm (4?) of wet snow around my property so I have been out shoveling on and off since 5:30 this AM. Good exercise; but only half done so far -- I have to pace it because it is rather strenuous. Also, I am working my day job full time (from home) so my day will be pretty full. Working in my private office seems to no longer be a temptation since I got rid of all the internet crap. My productivity has improved too (although no one but me knows that).

It is the night-time that sucks. Without my wife here, it gets pretty lonely, and that is my big trigger. I cannot do all those getting-out things because I live in a rural area. I?d go jogging but the snow messes up that ? a walk is ok and the shoveling works too. But I have plenty of busy stuff planned -- sorting and packing for our annual three months in Florida for one. Going out tomorrow night to do some Christmas shopping for the missus. All good.

A day at a time.
 
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