Hi guys, I've not been having immense amounts of luck rebooting lately. Now I'm back on day 0 (I count day 0 as anything between 0 and 24 hours since last fap; mine was last night) and I want to make a sincere effort to kick the habit for good. I'm also open to taking on an accountability buddy if anyone is interested. It would be good to have a friend who knows what I'm going through so we can help each other.
First I'll give you a bit of background information about myself. I'm 25 years old from the UK, and I started looking at P when I was 16. The first O I ever had was looking at P, so it's basically been almost a constant in my life since then. It was my sexual awakening so to speak. I found YBOP about 2.5 years ago, and have made a more concerted effort to quit since then, with only fairly minor levels of success. Before then I suspected my P use was becoming slightly problematic, but I never realised the effect it was having on me, and never went more than 3 days without going back to it. Since I found YBOP the longest I have gone is 28 days no PMO, and my target is 90 (ultimately I never want to look at P again). By now it feels like I've got stuck in a bit of a cycle, one which I need to break for good. My P usage is so entrenched it's been a difficult habit to kick, but I'm determined, because I've felt what the other side is when I've been clean for a while. Happier, less anxious and more motivated. I've decided that's how I want to live my life. I've had a handful of sexual partners, but not many successful relationships, and rarely had satisfying sex with a partner. I consider myself something of a feminist (although my P flavours may indicate otherwise sometimes) and a firm believer in equal rights. Fortunately there has always been a thick line for me between fantasy and reality, so my P usage hasn't had any influence on my life or how I treat people, besides from my social anxiety. I don't intend on having children (maybe that will all change in time), but what I do want is a happy, sexually healthy long term relationship with a partner who shares my interests and outlook on life, a closer relationship with my friends where I'm present and not craving isolation, and motivation to work hard in my career and on my creative personal projects. When I think of what my life could be if I could shake off my anxiety and lack of motivation it makes me happy (I know quitting won't be a wonder cure, but when I've been clean for over 10 days or so, I feel happier, more driven and calmer).
Like many accounts on here, my P usage started fairly innocuously, but gradually escalated. Every time it did, I'd feel guilty about the things I was looking at, then after a while it would fade and I'd be de-sensitised until I was looking at all sorts of weird and deviant things. I feel guilty about the things I've seen sometimes, about how I allowed myself to derive 'pleasure' from degrading material. Sometimes I get paranoid that people will find out what I've done in private and be disgusted with me, which often fuels my anxiety. I keep reassuring myself that I'm a good man, and it was my addiction that perverted me, now I'm going to put my money where my mouth is and kick this habit once and for all. I'm using K9 web filter, but I don't know my password, I sent it to a friend to look after, so I have to ask her for it if I want to bypass the filter. This mostly helps, but if you really want P, somehow you'll find it. Recently I unblocked Twitter, Imgur, Tumblr, Flickr and Vimeo, because, despite all of them containing lots of P, I think they're useful sites and I want to keep them. I really don't want to re-block them, but when I've been cheating recently, I've been using those sites. I'm going to keep them unblocked for now, and try and show I'm capable of using them responsibly and avoiding temptation.
Now for the diary:
Day 0: Today has been a fairly ordinary day. Went out driving for work. It was a lovely day for it, and it has been mostly enjoyable, but I've been having pangs of anxiety and paranoia. The type that make my head go light, and make it feel as though a fist is clenching the inside of my guts. I recently got a new job offer, which is a massive positive, as it seems like a great job, but I'm paranoid they're going to turn around and say there was a clerical error and they don't want me, which is a bit silly! Doing so much driving, especially in this weather I always notice pretty women in the street. Generally I try not to look and focus on my driving. When I do look I sometimes feel guilty. I don't really know how to manage my emotions on the issue. I rarely sexualise women, I just admire how good they look (without trying to sound weird here).
I havn't had any invasive thoughts today. I forgot to mention that; I sometimes get invasive thoughts. They can cause a rather large amount of stress sometimes, stress which often builds into a relapse. When driving for hours at a time, it gives me a lot of thinking time. Time to overthink things, time to allow my thoughts to stress me out. I'm often much happier when I have company to talk to, things to do to keep my mind busy. I'm also perfectly happy being by myself. At my PC, reading, playing games, whatever. The invasive thoughts aren't always sexual, they're usually just unpleasant in nature. Sometimes they are sexual, and I'll mentally say "NO.", but I'll often still feel guilty and stressed out. Something I want to try out is mindfulness, being able to allow conscious thoughts to rise up naturally, noticing them without judgement and letting them naturally dissipate. If anyone knows any good guides for mindfulness, please let me know!
Even now as I write this, I feel stressed, like there's a little devil on my shoulder, poking my temple and making me feel anxious for no reason. Apart from that though, my day has been nice, and I have many things to be grateful for. It's worth mentioning I'm not always stressed and anxious, sometimes I'm a pretty happy chappy. I welcome everyone's thoughts, comments, tips, criticisms, everything and anything. If you've taken the time to read this, bless you, you have my full attention if you have anything to add.
Things I'm grateful for today:
First I'll give you a bit of background information about myself. I'm 25 years old from the UK, and I started looking at P when I was 16. The first O I ever had was looking at P, so it's basically been almost a constant in my life since then. It was my sexual awakening so to speak. I found YBOP about 2.5 years ago, and have made a more concerted effort to quit since then, with only fairly minor levels of success. Before then I suspected my P use was becoming slightly problematic, but I never realised the effect it was having on me, and never went more than 3 days without going back to it. Since I found YBOP the longest I have gone is 28 days no PMO, and my target is 90 (ultimately I never want to look at P again). By now it feels like I've got stuck in a bit of a cycle, one which I need to break for good. My P usage is so entrenched it's been a difficult habit to kick, but I'm determined, because I've felt what the other side is when I've been clean for a while. Happier, less anxious and more motivated. I've decided that's how I want to live my life. I've had a handful of sexual partners, but not many successful relationships, and rarely had satisfying sex with a partner. I consider myself something of a feminist (although my P flavours may indicate otherwise sometimes) and a firm believer in equal rights. Fortunately there has always been a thick line for me between fantasy and reality, so my P usage hasn't had any influence on my life or how I treat people, besides from my social anxiety. I don't intend on having children (maybe that will all change in time), but what I do want is a happy, sexually healthy long term relationship with a partner who shares my interests and outlook on life, a closer relationship with my friends where I'm present and not craving isolation, and motivation to work hard in my career and on my creative personal projects. When I think of what my life could be if I could shake off my anxiety and lack of motivation it makes me happy (I know quitting won't be a wonder cure, but when I've been clean for over 10 days or so, I feel happier, more driven and calmer).
Like many accounts on here, my P usage started fairly innocuously, but gradually escalated. Every time it did, I'd feel guilty about the things I was looking at, then after a while it would fade and I'd be de-sensitised until I was looking at all sorts of weird and deviant things. I feel guilty about the things I've seen sometimes, about how I allowed myself to derive 'pleasure' from degrading material. Sometimes I get paranoid that people will find out what I've done in private and be disgusted with me, which often fuels my anxiety. I keep reassuring myself that I'm a good man, and it was my addiction that perverted me, now I'm going to put my money where my mouth is and kick this habit once and for all. I'm using K9 web filter, but I don't know my password, I sent it to a friend to look after, so I have to ask her for it if I want to bypass the filter. This mostly helps, but if you really want P, somehow you'll find it. Recently I unblocked Twitter, Imgur, Tumblr, Flickr and Vimeo, because, despite all of them containing lots of P, I think they're useful sites and I want to keep them. I really don't want to re-block them, but when I've been cheating recently, I've been using those sites. I'm going to keep them unblocked for now, and try and show I'm capable of using them responsibly and avoiding temptation.
Now for the diary:
Day 0: Today has been a fairly ordinary day. Went out driving for work. It was a lovely day for it, and it has been mostly enjoyable, but I've been having pangs of anxiety and paranoia. The type that make my head go light, and make it feel as though a fist is clenching the inside of my guts. I recently got a new job offer, which is a massive positive, as it seems like a great job, but I'm paranoid they're going to turn around and say there was a clerical error and they don't want me, which is a bit silly! Doing so much driving, especially in this weather I always notice pretty women in the street. Generally I try not to look and focus on my driving. When I do look I sometimes feel guilty. I don't really know how to manage my emotions on the issue. I rarely sexualise women, I just admire how good they look (without trying to sound weird here).
I havn't had any invasive thoughts today. I forgot to mention that; I sometimes get invasive thoughts. They can cause a rather large amount of stress sometimes, stress which often builds into a relapse. When driving for hours at a time, it gives me a lot of thinking time. Time to overthink things, time to allow my thoughts to stress me out. I'm often much happier when I have company to talk to, things to do to keep my mind busy. I'm also perfectly happy being by myself. At my PC, reading, playing games, whatever. The invasive thoughts aren't always sexual, they're usually just unpleasant in nature. Sometimes they are sexual, and I'll mentally say "NO.", but I'll often still feel guilty and stressed out. Something I want to try out is mindfulness, being able to allow conscious thoughts to rise up naturally, noticing them without judgement and letting them naturally dissipate. If anyone knows any good guides for mindfulness, please let me know!
Even now as I write this, I feel stressed, like there's a little devil on my shoulder, poking my temple and making me feel anxious for no reason. Apart from that though, my day has been nice, and I have many things to be grateful for. It's worth mentioning I'm not always stressed and anxious, sometimes I'm a pretty happy chappy. I welcome everyone's thoughts, comments, tips, criticisms, everything and anything. If you've taken the time to read this, bless you, you have my full attention if you have anything to add.
Things I'm grateful for today:
- A new career on the horizon.
- The gorgeous weather.
- Talking to an old friend again.
- My lovely family.
- The chance for a fresh start.