To Swerve Might Make More Dead
- Thread starter innergothkid
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innergothkid
Active Member
Promise said:Great job on hitting one week! Right there with yaFeels good, man.
If you find yourself alone with temptation, a tip I've heard is just to get out of the house. Go for a walk or whatever and remove yourself from the zone of temptation.
Funny you should mention that. Got home from work at about midnight last night, relaxed for a bit, had a few drinks, and then decided that I needed to food. Decided to walk to Taco bell to get some food (it's the only thing around here open that late on a weekday.) And I swear, on the way home, I got the urge to whip it out and MO right then and there on the sidewalk. That was horrible.
I think last night/this morning are the worst I've had in terms of desire to MO. Most of the time I feel dead. I don't get aroused by attractive women. But as soon as I'm alone...
I feel hungover, and I only had a couple of drinks. But that's probably because someone called and woke me up at about 8 when it was close to 4 in the morning when I went to bed. Continued to toss and turn until noon, and then called it quits.
I guess sleeping most of the day eliminates the need to keep myself preoccupied so I won't PMO.
I want to get some bondage tape so I can stretch my ears to the next gauge, but I think it would be a mistake to go to the sex shop and get some. Maybe I could have my roommate pick some up on her way home... Nope. Just looked it up. That's way out of her way.
I suppose the one real positive is that I got an extra 4.5 mile walk in last night.
Maybe this is a withdrawal headache. I'm not sure if they're supposed to start this soon. I'm more likely to chalk it up to poor sleep. But the temptation to PMO to make it better is definitely there.
Staying strong. Staying strong.
That's definitely a situation in which I'd be tempted too. My old habits were to reach for the trouser snake as soon as things got a bit rough, to medicate with P and MO. The headache could certainly be caused by withdrawals, or lack of sleep + beer. Hangovers were always a huge trigger for me. I also got withdrawal headaches from about day 3, after that I guess they can be sporadic?
But the most important thing to remember is that MO won't actually help, it only serves to prolong the discomfort. If it's cause is unrelated to withdrawals then it will still be there afterwards, and if it IS related to withdrawals then you'll only have to go through them again if you relapse! If that makes sense...
Pop a painkiller or two and get plenty of water You're doing great buddy.
But the most important thing to remember is that MO won't actually help, it only serves to prolong the discomfort. If it's cause is unrelated to withdrawals then it will still be there afterwards, and if it IS related to withdrawals then you'll only have to go through them again if you relapse! If that makes sense...
Pop a painkiller or two and get plenty of water
You're doing great buddy.
R
rival21
Guest
Keep going Matt! You've been through alot man, porn isn't worth devaluing your self esteem, or self-worth
innergothkid
Active Member
This is the hardest day I've had yet. I tossed and turned until noon, and then once I realized how late it was, I gave up on sleeping. Partly out of guild for it being so late.
I had a terrible headache and stayed in bed until 4. After that I went downstairs and watched Netflix for 3 hours. I've felt majorly depressed all day. I would go as far as to say that this is the most depressed I've ever felt, just minus the suicidal ideation. I couldn't get motivated to do anything.
My roommates came home and I felt rejected. They hardly acknowledged my presence. They soaked in the hot tub for a while and then went upstairs to have sex. I knew they were going to have sex because they locked the animals out. I knew I had to leave because if I could hear them, I knew I'd relapse. I mustered up just enough energy to go out to dinner, because I knew I didn't have the energy to actually cook something. My appetite has been shit all day.
Walked up to the local Mexican place and texted my roommate to let me know when they were done. She did, and apologized, as I was wrapping up dessert and my margarita.
I've found that my alcohol tolerance has plummeted since I stopped PMO. I get staggeringly drunk after just a couple of drinks.
Also, I started looking up withdrawal symptoms after I woke up with a headache. And right on cue, I became exceptionally weepy. I was weepy while reading accounts of PMO addiction, I was weepy while texting my roommate from the restaurant, and I'm borderline weepy as I write this.
I know I've had a lot of good days, and that I was past due for a rough day, but this was rough. I can only imagine how much worse it can get.
Thanks. Your comment is one of the few highlights I have from today. It kept me going.
Thanks for being there for me. We've both had our share of good days. It's bound to start getting a lot rougher, and I feel better knowing that you're there for me.
Yeah. I'm full blown crying now.
Fuck withdrawal.
I had a terrible headache and stayed in bed until 4. After that I went downstairs and watched Netflix for 3 hours. I've felt majorly depressed all day. I would go as far as to say that this is the most depressed I've ever felt, just minus the suicidal ideation. I couldn't get motivated to do anything.
My roommates came home and I felt rejected. They hardly acknowledged my presence. They soaked in the hot tub for a while and then went upstairs to have sex. I knew they were going to have sex because they locked the animals out. I knew I had to leave because if I could hear them, I knew I'd relapse. I mustered up just enough energy to go out to dinner, because I knew I didn't have the energy to actually cook something. My appetite has been shit all day.
Walked up to the local Mexican place and texted my roommate to let me know when they were done. She did, and apologized, as I was wrapping up dessert and my margarita.
I've found that my alcohol tolerance has plummeted since I stopped PMO. I get staggeringly drunk after just a couple of drinks.
Also, I started looking up withdrawal symptoms after I woke up with a headache. And right on cue, I became exceptionally weepy. I was weepy while reading accounts of PMO addiction, I was weepy while texting my roommate from the restaurant, and I'm borderline weepy as I write this.
I know I've had a lot of good days, and that I was past due for a rough day, but this was rough. I can only imagine how much worse it can get.
rival21 said:
Thanks. Your comment is one of the few highlights I have from today. It kept me going.
Promise said:That's definitely a situation in which I'd be tempted too. My old habits were to reach for the trouser snake as soon as things got a bit rough, to medicate with P and MO. The headache could certainly be caused by withdrawals, or lack of sleep + beer. Hangovers were always a huge trigger for me. I also got withdrawal headaches from about day 3, after that I guess they can be sporadic?
But the most important thing to remember is that MO won't actually help, it only serves to prolong the discomfort. If it's cause is unrelated to withdrawals then it will still be there afterwards, and if it IS related to withdrawals then you'll only have to go through them again if you relapse! If that makes sense...
Pop a painkiller or two and get plenty of water
Thanks for being there for me. We've both had our share of good days. It's bound to start getting a lot rougher, and I feel better knowing that you're there for me.
Yeah. I'm full blown crying now.
Fuck withdrawal.
These days are part of a successful reboot. In a way withdrawals are a good sign, as they show it's working. For want of a more over-used quote, Winston Churchill said: "If you're going through hell, keep going."
To have that much crap pile up on top of you, and not relapse proves you're stronger than 90% of men out there. You're doing the right thing, and you're doing bloody well.
I'd hug ya if I was there, but you'll have to settle for a repressed English internet hug
To have that much crap pile up on top of you, and not relapse proves you're stronger than 90% of men out there. You're doing the right thing, and you're doing bloody well.
I'd hug ya if I was there, but you'll have to settle for a repressed English internet hug
innergothkid
Active Member
Promise said:These days are part of a successful reboot. In a way withdrawals are a good sign, as they show it's working. For want of a more over-used quote, Winston Churchill said: "If you're going through hell, keep going."
To have that much crap pile up on top of you, and not relapse proves you're stronger than 90% of men out there. You're doing the right thing, and you're doing bloody well.
I'd hug ya if I was there, but you'll have to settle for a repressed English internet hug
Thanks!
You're right that withdrawal is a sign that that things are changing for the better. And Churchill is one of my favorite quotable people.And that repressed English internet hug is exactly what I needed (and made me laugh.)
Between your message, and talking to some old friends on Facebook, I was feeling mostly human by the end of the night.
Not a whole lot of new stuff to report, which is why I've been quiet up until this point.
Today has been a fairly quiet, relatively good day. Balanced, you might say. I haven't felt particularly manic, but any remote feelings of depression have passed quickly as well. Haven't had any particularly strong urges today.
My male roommate now knows I'm doing a reboot via my female roommate (they're married, btw.) Kinda nice to have the ice broken there.
I know that it's just wishful thinking, but it feels like my hair is thickening up some. Meh. If it does, it does. If it doesn't, it doesn't.
Will be heading out soon. Scored a free ticket to see Todd Glass tonight. He's not my favorite comedian, but you can't beat free.
My crazy weekend of craziness starts now.
Glad you're feeling better, man! Well we knew it'd pass quickly! That pesky limbic system thrashes around for its fix, but it doesn't take long to restore the balance. Should be good that your other flat mate knows about your reboot now, it'll make it much easier to parse subjects with him and help avoid any triggers. No one I'm living with has any idea that I'm doing this (as far as I know) so your flat mates might be able to provide some support
innergothkid
Active Member
I don't want to spend too much time on here, but wanted to check in and say that I'm still going strong.
Todd Glass was hilarious last night. Not sure if it was just seeing him in person, or having four whiskeys, but I enjoyed his show way more than I anticipated. And his opener was hilarious too.
I find that I'm noticing women a lot more, but still not really feeling anything for them. It's like, one part of me feels more confident, but the other part of me is so uninterested that my level of confidence makes no difference: I'm still not going to approach them.
Meh.
That's all I've really got for today. Got a metal show to attend tonight, so that should be fun.
Todd Glass was hilarious last night. Not sure if it was just seeing him in person, or having four whiskeys, but I enjoyed his show way more than I anticipated. And his opener was hilarious too.
I find that I'm noticing women a lot more, but still not really feeling anything for them. It's like, one part of me feels more confident, but the other part of me is so uninterested that my level of confidence makes no difference: I'm still not going to approach them.
Meh.
That's all I've really got for today. Got a metal show to attend tonight, so that should be fun.
innergothkid
Active Member
This is going to be quick since I'm exhausted. Just got back from the metal show I saw tonight. My body hurts from rocking too hard. I think I almost had a concussion from headbanging.
Anyway. No urges to speak of. There was a total cutie at the show, but I'm still feeling nothing below the belt.
My friend did say she'd sleep with me once I was at that stage. So there's that.
Anyway. Gonna go PTFO.
Staying at my mother's because we're taking my brother to brew fest for his 21st birthday. Only have my phone, so it's a pain in the ass to post. Probably won't again until late tomorrow.
Adios.
Anyway. No urges to speak of. There was a total cutie at the show, but I'm still feeling nothing below the belt.
My friend did say she'd sleep with me once I was at that stage. So there's that.
Anyway. Gonna go PTFO.
Staying at my mother's because we're taking my brother to brew fest for his 21st birthday. Only have my phone, so it's a pain in the ass to post. Probably won't again until late tomorrow.
Adios.
innergothkid
Active Member
Okay. Home finally, and can update from my computer.
The urge to MO this morning was pretty strong, but otherwise I've been pretty solid.
Night before last was the comedy show with Todd Glass. Way better than I expected, which I'm pretty sure I already said.
Last night was the metal show. It's the most fun I've had in a long time. There were definitely cute girls there?my kind of girls?but I felt absolutely nothing. Only had a couple of drinks because it was scorching in there. Sweated like crazy, and thought I was going to give myself a concussion a few times. Just rocked too hard. But I was happy to get to my mother's, where I spent the night. My feet were killing me.
My ears finally stopped ringing around 11 this morning. The bar is only about 500 sq. ft. and fits a full band and a crowd... should give you some idea of how close I was.
Went to the brew fest today. My younger brother bailed, but we still had fun. I had 24 beers (3 oz. tasters) in a little under 2 hours. I was feeling it. And by feeling it, I mean barely able to walk in a straight line. Some of them were upwards of 10% abv. The porters were the only really good ones. The jalapeno/serrano one that I expected to like was fucking gross.
Did have a guy compliment me on my kilt.
Just got to have a chat with my roommate. Haven't seen her much at all because I've been out partying hard all weekend. I genuinely enjoyed the conversation on a deeper level than I have in a long time, and it seemed like she was really enjoying it too. I think I'm just a better person without PMO. Though, I'm struggling not to fantasize about my roommate. She's on the list of people I'd like to be intimate with if I had the opportunity and was over my PIED.
I've been spending a lot of money, which is a little concerning. I'm a little afraid to find out how much.
I do need to get settled down. The conversation with my roommate does have me a bit worked up; I'm teetering on the edge of fantasy... like, it's not at the forefront of my mind, but I definitely want to fantasize. Could be the makings of a rough night.
It's been a good few days. Maybe too good. I'm anticipating having another rough day here soon.
Don't want to spend a lot of time on here, but I did want to touch on something that Prom brought up, a thread about focusing on what your life will be like, what direction you're headed on, what you're focusing on, instead of the addiction. The two things I really want to work on right now are getting back into shape (losing about 50 lbs. that have caught back up with me since college) and returning my focus to writing (I've been way too depressed and anxious to focus on my writing for years).
There are other little things of course, and building relationships, getting out more, focusing on various business ventures. But getting into shape and writing more are the two big ones. Getting out more is probably helping with getting into shape too, since I'm out and on my feet more, wandering around the city (if you ignore that I've been drinking more.) Haven't been tracking any workouts, since it's mostly just been walking places, but I do want to get some more structured workouts in. I'm fixing my mental game, now I just have to fix what people see.
I should probably stay on here a bit more in case I'm tempted to MO, but I want to go focus on other stuff for a while. (And try to get the temps down in my fucking room.) I might be back to do a bit of free-writing if I don't settle down some; I can already tell that I'm gonna struggle a bit.
The urge to MO this morning was pretty strong, but otherwise I've been pretty solid.
Night before last was the comedy show with Todd Glass. Way better than I expected, which I'm pretty sure I already said.
Last night was the metal show. It's the most fun I've had in a long time. There were definitely cute girls there?my kind of girls?but I felt absolutely nothing. Only had a couple of drinks because it was scorching in there. Sweated like crazy, and thought I was going to give myself a concussion a few times. Just rocked too hard. But I was happy to get to my mother's, where I spent the night. My feet were killing me.
My ears finally stopped ringing around 11 this morning. The bar is only about 500 sq. ft. and fits a full band and a crowd... should give you some idea of how close I was.
Went to the brew fest today. My younger brother bailed, but we still had fun. I had 24 beers (3 oz. tasters) in a little under 2 hours. I was feeling it. And by feeling it, I mean barely able to walk in a straight line. Some of them were upwards of 10% abv. The porters were the only really good ones. The jalapeno/serrano one that I expected to like was fucking gross.
Did have a guy compliment me on my kilt.
Just got to have a chat with my roommate. Haven't seen her much at all because I've been out partying hard all weekend. I genuinely enjoyed the conversation on a deeper level than I have in a long time, and it seemed like she was really enjoying it too. I think I'm just a better person without PMO. Though, I'm struggling not to fantasize about my roommate. She's on the list of people I'd like to be intimate with if I had the opportunity and was over my PIED.
I've been spending a lot of money, which is a little concerning. I'm a little afraid to find out how much.
I do need to get settled down. The conversation with my roommate does have me a bit worked up; I'm teetering on the edge of fantasy... like, it's not at the forefront of my mind, but I definitely want to fantasize. Could be the makings of a rough night.
It's been a good few days. Maybe too good. I'm anticipating having another rough day here soon.
Don't want to spend a lot of time on here, but I did want to touch on something that Prom brought up, a thread about focusing on what your life will be like, what direction you're headed on, what you're focusing on, instead of the addiction. The two things I really want to work on right now are getting back into shape (losing about 50 lbs. that have caught back up with me since college) and returning my focus to writing (I've been way too depressed and anxious to focus on my writing for years).
There are other little things of course, and building relationships, getting out more, focusing on various business ventures. But getting into shape and writing more are the two big ones. Getting out more is probably helping with getting into shape too, since I'm out and on my feet more, wandering around the city (if you ignore that I've been drinking more.) Haven't been tracking any workouts, since it's mostly just been walking places, but I do want to get some more structured workouts in. I'm fixing my mental game, now I just have to fix what people see.
I should probably stay on here a bit more in case I'm tempted to MO, but I want to go focus on other stuff for a while. (And try to get the temps down in my fucking room.) I might be back to do a bit of free-writing if I don't settle down some; I can already tell that I'm gonna struggle a bit.
innergothkid
Active Member
Feeling better now. Read through some other journals and gave encouragement to some of you other guys, and that helped me settle down. If you're feeling weak, help others feel strong, and you'll find strength in that. Or, at least, I do. And hey, it might help others too. Plus, we've gotta be looking out for each other, right?
innergothkid
Active Member
I had a dream that I was edging to the lamest almost-P. Wasn't even any nudity. o_0
Well, the aim in the dream was to MO, but my old roommate burst in to use a bathroom that doesn't even exist. And apparently my roommates were in there watching the whole time.
I don't know if my brain's trying to tell me that people are watching out for me, or what.
Man. If I thought I was worked up last night, I'm definitely worked up now. Gotta push through. I'm not giving up so early in the fight.
Well, the aim in the dream was to MO, but my old roommate burst in to use a bathroom that doesn't even exist. And apparently my roommates were in there watching the whole time.
I don't know if my brain's trying to tell me that people are watching out for me, or what.
Man. If I thought I was worked up last night, I'm definitely worked up now. Gotta push through. I'm not giving up so early in the fight.
innergothkid
Active Member
Not much new to report. I did "exercise" today, on top of a long shift at work. Just went for about an hour walk early this morning. Used to go for walks daily, but haven't been getting them in lately. Not a huge step, but if I get it in every day, that'll be an extra pound lost a week, give or take. Mostly, I just want to get in the habit of doing physical activity every day outside of work. Walking is a good way to do it, because I enjoy it. Plus, it keeps me away from PMO.
I think I'm going to try super low carb for a few weeks to kick my weight loss into gear, and then we'll go from there. I don't know if it'll work very well since I have a really physical job, and I usually start struggling with glycogen depletion if I cut my carbs too much. But, I did buy a bunch of markdown meat for the ol' freezer, so we'll see how it goes. I know it's not great for the long term, but it ramps up the weight loss, and I've gained a lot more than I'd realized. (Jumped on the scale for the first time today... wasn't pretty.)
I'll have to watch how this effects my urges. I don't want to stress my body out and then feel compelled to self-medicate with PMO.
Anyway. No real urges, other than the dream I mentioned earlier.
Ready to rock this week!
I think I'm going to try super low carb for a few weeks to kick my weight loss into gear, and then we'll go from there. I don't know if it'll work very well since I have a really physical job, and I usually start struggling with glycogen depletion if I cut my carbs too much. But, I did buy a bunch of markdown meat for the ol' freezer, so we'll see how it goes. I know it's not great for the long term, but it ramps up the weight loss, and I've gained a lot more than I'd realized. (Jumped on the scale for the first time today... wasn't pretty.)
I'll have to watch how this effects my urges. I don't want to stress my body out and then feel compelled to self-medicate with PMO.
Anyway. No real urges, other than the dream I mentioned earlier.
Ready to rock this week!
innergothkid
Active Member
Kept having fantasies pop into my head last night as I was trying to fall asleep and the urge to PMO before going to sleep was pretty strong.
Had pretty vivid dreams last night. Woke up, then had a dream that I was lying in bed, and then woke up again without realizing for a bit that I had fallen asleep and dreamed that I was still lying in bed.
I should go out and walk before it gets to a million degrees outside. Maybe I'll make some coffee first.
It's 70 degrees already and I just woke up. o_0
Had pretty vivid dreams last night. Woke up, then had a dream that I was lying in bed, and then woke up again without realizing for a bit that I had fallen asleep and dreamed that I was still lying in bed.
I should go out and walk before it gets to a million degrees outside. Maybe I'll make some coffee first.
It's 70 degrees already and I just woke up. o_0
Mmm, nice and toasty! ^_^ It's rather lovely weather here, too! I know what you mean about the fantasies popping into your head, last night I just had images continually popping into my head, I just ignored them and lied down and rested. The vivid dreams too! I have them also. I think it's a common occurrence during rebooting, but it doesn't seem like anything to worry about. I kind of enjoy them, because I keep waking up and realising the things in my dream didn't happen, such as relapses and stuff. Let me know how your day goes, brah
innergothkid
Active Member
Went for a walk again this morning, trying to keep myself on track. Also cleaned up the kitchen a fair amount.
Today was a pretty low carb day. Pretty much the only thing I had all day was iced Bulletproof coffee with a splash of buttermilk for kicks. Was feeling hungry but wasn't ready to cook dinner yet, so snagged a couple slices of leftover pizza. That was really the only carb indulgence. After that I had fried gizzards. Looks like I came in at 56g overall, and only because each slice of pizza was 25g apiece. o_0 But, I jumped on the scale this morning, and just before heading up to bed, and my weight has dropped 4 lbs. Water weight, mostly, but still pretty dramatic considering my morning weigh-ins are usually considerably lower than my evening weigh-ins.
Started watching the documentary series Metal Evolution today. It's interesting to see how metal has grown from its roots and splintered into a bunch of different sub-genres, a bunch of which I can't stand, even if I consider myself a metalhead. Some metal just isn't metal.
I did put together a custom drumset on DW's kitbuilder and requested a quote. $5,000. Why does having fun have to be so expensive? I do want to get one and start playing though. Not because I want to be in a band. Just because I enjoy percussion and like hitting things. I think I might contact the dealer and see what we can do that would give me the same basic setup but a little more budget friendly. Or I'll just start buying it one drum at a time. Hell, if I could have a bass drum with a double pedal, that would still make me pretty happy. I'd be pretty solid on footwork before I ever even touched drumsticks.
Anyway. Today was a pretty good, and pretty relaxing day. No real urges, but again, nothing for non-pixelated women either. I do keep getting a general feeling that I want to MO, but not exactly the same as an urge. More like, I feel like I'm missing something. Meh.
Oh, and I did pay my friends internet bill. I've found myself in a much more giving mood since I stopped PMO. Although, part of it stems from reading The Hedonism Handbook as well. I'm just not as attached to my money, and I'm not particularly worried about whether I'm going to have enough. I will. It's no big deal.
I also find that my biggest moments of career growth have come at times when I was a bit more haphazard with my spending; I was compelled to find work that would pay enough to justify my spending. It's not really a method I can suggest, but it's worked for me so far.
So, I guess I'll leave you guys with that. Live long and don't PMO.
Today was a pretty low carb day. Pretty much the only thing I had all day was iced Bulletproof coffee with a splash of buttermilk for kicks. Was feeling hungry but wasn't ready to cook dinner yet, so snagged a couple slices of leftover pizza. That was really the only carb indulgence. After that I had fried gizzards. Looks like I came in at 56g overall, and only because each slice of pizza was 25g apiece. o_0 But, I jumped on the scale this morning, and just before heading up to bed, and my weight has dropped 4 lbs. Water weight, mostly, but still pretty dramatic considering my morning weigh-ins are usually considerably lower than my evening weigh-ins.
Started watching the documentary series Metal Evolution today. It's interesting to see how metal has grown from its roots and splintered into a bunch of different sub-genres, a bunch of which I can't stand, even if I consider myself a metalhead. Some metal just isn't metal.
I did put together a custom drumset on DW's kitbuilder and requested a quote. $5,000. Why does having fun have to be so expensive? I do want to get one and start playing though. Not because I want to be in a band. Just because I enjoy percussion and like hitting things.
I think I might contact the dealer and see what we can do that would give me the same basic setup but a little more budget friendly. Or I'll just start buying it one drum at a time. Hell, if I could have a bass drum with a double pedal, that would still make me pretty happy. I'd be pretty solid on footwork before I ever even touched drumsticks. Anyway. Today was a pretty good, and pretty relaxing day. No real urges, but again, nothing for non-pixelated women either. I do keep getting a general feeling that I want to MO, but not exactly the same as an urge. More like, I feel like I'm missing something. Meh.
Oh, and I did pay my friends internet bill. I've found myself in a much more giving mood since I stopped PMO. Although, part of it stems from reading The Hedonism Handbook as well. I'm just not as attached to my money, and I'm not particularly worried about whether I'm going to have enough. I will. It's no big deal.
I also find that my biggest moments of career growth have come at times when I was a bit more haphazard with my spending; I was compelled to find work that would pay enough to justify my spending. It's not really a method I can suggest, but it's worked for me so far.
So, I guess I'll leave you guys with that. Live long and don't PMO.