To Swerve Might Make More Dead

[Promise]

Allow me to dip into my wealth of experience with wining and dining!

I jest, I've not had much luck on that front I suppose it depends on the area you're in.  Where I'm from you could probably find something going on locally, or even just go for a stroll and get an ice cream with weather like this.

 

[innergothkid]

Yesterday was a rough day. My emotions were all over the place. I told my friend that I felt every emotion: "Woke up tired and hungover, then felt ecstatic and celebratory, doubtful, relaxed and optimistic, bored, sad, lonely, depressed..." Which was made worse by my roommate coming home and bragging about how good her date was, and then telling other roommate that they had a double date on a day that the two of us already had plans. Made me feel like the most worthless piece of shit ever.

I'm somewhere in between right now. Not feeling great, but not feeling particularly good either. I don't really feel like doing anything, but I need to go out. There's a comedy show I think I'm going to go see, if I can get motivated. Although, it'd be really nice if I had clean clothes. Washer's broken, and of course it's not getting replaced until tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow. I don't know if they meant tomorrow or next Friday. o_0

Blegh.

I walked twice. Tooked too cold showers. Stuck to my diet strictly (only about 12g of carbs all day). And still gained weight (probably hanging onto water from all of the shit I was eating, but it's still depressing.)

It wasn't all bad. My highs were very high. Sat in the hot tub for a couple of hours (the first time in a month.) Then sat on the porch and smoked hookah for a couple of hours while listening to chill out music and finishing reading The Hedonism Handbook. It's a hokey book at times, or even most of the time, but I'd still recommend it. It's made me start looking at my life differently. I've started eschewing the delayed gratification mentality that gets drilled into us in school. I'm ready to do things. I mean, not today, but in general...

In other news, I've completely adapted to the cold showers. I don't even breath hard when the water hits me anymore. My hair certainly benefits from it, and my psoriasis has all but disappeared, but I don't feel I'm still getting the same psychological benefits. It doesn't put me in "time to kick some ass" mode. Though, withdrawal related gloominess could be counteracting that benefit. Still, since it's not really a chore anymore, I will continue to do it. As an added bonus, I don't have to wait for the water to warm up before getting in, and I don't have to wait for the mirror to unfog before I can use it afterwards. All kinds of win.

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself today. I don't feel like doing anything...

P.S. 3 weeks! (Half-hearted) w00t!

 

[Promise]

I know how you feel, my mood has been up and down the past couple of days.  Mainly down

It's all part of the reboot though, keep on trucking.  Your will is an inspiration :3

I've been getting a bit of that lethargy of not wanting to do anything the past couple of days too, I guess the only cure is to pull your socks up and get on with it.

 

[innergothkid]

I guess I didn't post yesterday. Did fine. Nothing much to report for the last couple of days. Kind feeling middling. Not horribly terrible, but not great. I barely notice the cold showers anymore, so I'm not getting the surge of energy that comes from the shock of getting in.

Meh. Not really motivated to post today. Just want to go to work, get it over with, and get home, and do absolutely nothing. That's how motivated I am.

This would have been a P moment for me prior to rebooting. Too easy to look at P. When I'm not motivated to do anything else, I can always PMO. o_0

Staying strong, though.

 

[Promise]

Yeah, stay strong, dude :3

Thems sounds like classic withdrawals to me.  It'll pass and you'll feel the energy again.

 

[innergothkid]

I am so drunk right now. That's pretty much all.

Went out for guy's night with my roommate. Bartender was awesome and tolerated all of my bullshit.

This is totally the drunkest I've ever been from going to the bar.

Anyway. No urges. Hopefully there won't be. I think I might friend Clark Kent on Facebook though. (That's the girl from work, in case I haven't mentioned.)

 

[innergothkid]

Okay. So. Thankfully yesterday was a short day at work. And the boss man made me come in early, for some unknown reason, but I can't complain. Meant I was done at 6 and had time to get shit done.

Went driving! This is the 3rd time I've had my permit, and every time people have bailed on teaching me to drive. Including my worthless father. But, my roommate took me out last night after I got home for work. And I totally didn't kill anyone, even though a kid totally tried to run out in front of me.

Friended Clark Kent on Facebook. Messaged back and forth a bit. Though, I think she was trying to sleep. I was also drunk. Don't know if I made an awesome impression. Whatevs. (Just checked. She saw my last messages at 6:48am... so, she was totally trying to sleep when we were messaging.)

My carb intake was obscene, but I expected it to be. I was aiming to enjoy myself. I even got a free drink. And a taste of another. Left a big tip. Like, 36%ish. Bartender was the awesome. (This place had burned down, and it's the first time I've been back since they rebuilt it.)

I recall reading that some people experience flu-like symptoms when going through withdrawals. My right nostril has been running practically nonstop for the last few days, and this is the first time I've considered that it might be part of my withdrawal. Though, otherwise I feel perfectly fine. (I mean, other than the hangover I feel coming on.)

Um. That's everything I can think of. So, yeah...

Oh, there was a total hottie with the most badass mohawk ever that came by the store yesterday. *drool*

 

[Promise]

Get in there mate

Learning to drive is certainly a useful thing to do

 

[Promise]

How are things going?  Been building drumkits and that?

 

[innergothkid]

Anymore, I don't even realize that days are passing without stopping by and posting in my journal. I'm either depressed and unmotivated, flailing in the bowels of flatline and withdrawal, or my life is stuffed so full of amazing shit that I don't have time to post.

I think I'm over flatline. Or, at least, this round of it. Sunday I tried to get my friend to come down so that we could have sex like the world was ending. She's only 20, and has some medical issues, so her mother vetoed her coming down for an extended visit with some guy that she doesn't know. Le sigh. Hopefully soon the two of us will get to hang out.

I started talking to two people off of Craigslist. I just didn't feel like going out this week after spending so much time going out over the last month, so I wanted people to come to me. Even if I do think people who meet online are neurotic. I'll possibly be hanging out with them this week. At this point, I'm ready to get off, but I refuse to PMO, so I'm trying to find someone. Anyone.

I've been fantasizing more. Which is dangerous. It's partly stemming from talking to women. I have also caught myself staring at women's asses as they walk by. But hey, as long as I'm find real women attractive, what the fuck do I care?

Have started getting in the hot tub every day. Haven't necessarily been going on walks every day, but I am getting my heart rate monitor today, so I'm going to start running. Been keeping up with the cold showers pretty well. I think there was one day that I skipped showering altogether, but any shower that I have taken has been ice cold. I might have to start alternating hot and cold so I can get the same level of shock.

I also started working on my book! I found a web app called Gingko which gives me most of the features I liked about Scrivener while being cloud based, so I can work from anywhere. It's still in beta, so hopefully it adds a lot of the features I'd still like to see in it.

Anyway. That's about all for now. Gotta go work on my book.

 

[Promise]

Just from personal experience, chasing women, fantasizing and oggling them can make things pretty tricky.  Maybe you're at a different stage to me/going through different things, but like I said on my thread, I'm not going to start chasing the O, trying for casual sex or anything like that.  It seems to me like part of this process is about rewiring our attitudes towards sex, away from instant gratification. 

I always found thinking too much about women, real women, admiring them in the street, thinking about hooking up, casual fantasy and all that just cause the sexual tension to bubble up in me like a shaken soda bottle.  And if you don't manage to get that hook up, you'll just have to weather that sexual tension, which can be incredibly frustrating.

Like I said, this is all just my opinion and stuff, I could be way off the mark, hopefully someone with more experience can put me in my place, but personally I'm going to forget about sex completely.  Just work on my life, and work on building relationships with people, and hopefully at some point one of the relationships will develop romantically.  Rather than allowing myself to get frustrated thinking about it.


I'm definitely not saying what you're doing is a bad idea, because we're two totally different people, I'm just saying be careful mate!  With great libido comes great responsibility!

 

[innergothkid]

I don't see a problem with hookups that are mutually beneficial. My problem is that I've always denied myself things that I wanted and made up for that with PMO. Hookups were especially troubling because there was a lot of anxiety and PIED that went along with it.

Honestly, I'm still debating whether I want to O, even with a partner. I know that if I do O, I only want it to be with a partner.

You have valid points. I don't want to lose the connection I've felt with people because I become so entrenched in needing to get off. Maybe that already has happened. Who knows.

I'm honestly glad that I want people. I remember a couple years ago I told my doctor that my libido was shot. Did consider PMO addiction at the time. But it's been at least two years that I've been unable to feel physical attraction for real people. If I'm getting over that point, then I'll take any challenges that come with it.

 

[Promise]

Show's you're making progress

You know yourself better than I do!  Just avoid them artificial dopamine spikes, brah!

 

[innergothkid]

Show's you're making progress

You know yourself better than I do!  Just avoid them artificial dopamine spikes, brah!

Gonna go sit at the bar and work on my book. I've already made pretty good  on it today. I think this is the time that I'm actually going to finish and publish a proper book.

 

[Promise]

What's it about?

 

[innergothkid]

What's it about?

Can't say. Every time I talk about my writing projects it saps the magic.

 

[Promise]

:x

Pencil me in for an order when it's finished!

 

[innergothkid]

Today has been one of my roughest days, not because of the length or severity of withdrawal symptoms, but because of my level of stress over sex. My roommates went and got in the hot tub, and just seeing my female roommate stressed me out beyond belief. Then they headed upstairs and locked the animals out of the room, which generally means that they're having sex, which stressed me out even more. It was mostly because the addict in me was jonesin' to hear them so much, especially knowing that I could have gone out to the hot tub at any moment and seen my rommate nude. She took off her pants in front of me yesterday, and that was a big trigger. I feel like I'm becoming more sensitive to everything, which I suppose is a good and a bad thing in me.

Voyeurism is the big trigger for me. Afterall, there's nothing more novel than something happening in real time right in front of you. I was even tempted at one point to get a spycam to install in their bedroom so I could spy on them. That's how you know you have an addiction.

My roomies newfound sexual freedom is seriously straining our relationship. Partly because I'm jonesin' for details. Partly because I'm seriously jealous. I'm dying inside.

I think Prom might be right, as much as I want to fight it. My sudden preoccupation with sex and meeting people with a focus on sexuality is reinforcing my habit and making it more difficult to drop.

I started talking to two women off of Craigslist. I've had some luck meeting people off of there before. They're both kind of annoying me though. I posted one ad about dealing with my addiction and looking for company. The only interesting person who responded didn't pay attention to where I live, and she's about 2 1/2 hours away on the train, and doesn't drive either. She's got way too many rules about when, where, and how to meet; I'm not even that interested in meeting her, to be honest (though, part of that is withdrawal kicking in.) She seems to really want to meet me, but doesn't want to actually put any effort into it. I'm pretty done with her, tbh.

The other one is fun to talk to, and lives super close, but is 21 with a kid. She's always either working or dealing with her kid plus a handful of others that people dump off on her. I'm generally wary of single mothers that age, because my stepsister is one, and she's a total fuck up. It doesn't seem like she's ever going to want to/have time to hang out, which is frustrating, especially since she's so close.

In other news, I did so little work on my book today that it would have been less depressing if I didn't work on it at all. I'm probably just working on the wrong parts of it. I know there are some scenes that I can map out that I'm super excited about, I just have to break the habit of writing things in chronological order. The whole point of using the software that I am is that it allows me to write bits and pieces in a complete random order while keeping it organized.

I did get my walk/jog in today. Got in my target heart rate (thanks to my monitor) and stayed there for a solid hour. Sweat pouring sweat. It was nice. (The highlight of my day.) I'm feeling much better about being able to work out at a level that's effective without overdoing it. The burnout is what gets me.

Anyway. I think it's time to go tell this chick to stop emailing me.

 

[Promise]

I can totally understand that.  I think if I saw an attractive lady naked right now I'd pop a bollock.  Sounds like your analyzing things well and making the right choices.  Keep it up bro.

 

[innergothkid]

Yesterday, it didn't take long for me to go from feeling awesome to feeling like shit. Definitely overdid it. Worked out for an hour at about 80% of my max heart rate. Got my sweat on. Felt awesome afterwards. Then my mom showed up and we went on a hike. And then I worked an 8 hour shift. My joints were killing me.

I was in pain and craving sugar majorly. And I work right next to a bakery. It was hard not to buy one of everything. Ended up getting some string cheese and a sparkling water. That got me through the night.

I work early today and have decided that I'm not working out until afterwards. Have discovered that my heart rate doesn't get nearly high enough at work, even if it is really physical. That hour of exercise at 80% is crucial.

Still need to get the strength training in, but one thing at a time.

I'm down 10 pounds since I first posted about losing weight. The heart rate monitor is the best investment I've ever made in my health.

Anyway. Urges have come and gone. Nothing too terribly bad.

Aaaaaand... apparently I walked away without posting this.

Off to work. Hopefully I survive.