RedeemingAddiction21
Active Member
Hi, let this be the first entry in the long list of entries I will be making throughout this reboot.
I have been watching porn as early as 7 or 8 years old.. Yeah... It was mainly softcore porn you would see in R-rated movies, but it escalated into actual hardcore porn when I got an Ipod Touch for Christmas at 14 years old. Since that time, I had been watching porn daily, when I wake up, come home from school, and go to bed, I would spend at most 1-2 hours per session... I am 21 now.
The main reason I first stopped watching porn was when I couldn't get an erection with this one girl that I liked back in September 2015. It was also my first opportunity to ever have sex but the embarrassment of not being able to get it up really emasculated me. We reattempted 3-4 times throughout dating before SHE broke up with me and even told me mid way trying to get me hard if I was "Gay."... Since that time, I realized porn was a really big issue. I had quit and had another opportunity to have sex months later into my reboot in the same year but still couldn't get it up. My frustration blew up by Valentine's Day 2016, and I felt really alone, lost and defeated after seeing couple after couple be so happy. So I said, "Fuck it." and started watching porn hardcore and some really fucked up stuff, too. Then, I realized that porn was making me feel empty and I attempted another reboot in June.. but that only lasted until this past November. It started with some Instagram videos of girls rubbing their boobs, then it turned to me looking for videos on instagram of porn videos where you only see the girls face while she's having sex, but with moaning and all, and then I just dove straight into watching porn again... and back to the same routine of about watching it 3-4 times a day with an hour or 2 for each session.
Yesterday, I just felt empty, sad and really fucking bad about myself and I started exploring porn that I thought I would never watch and that's when I realized that this addiction I had was turning for the worst. I also realized my self-esteem has gone down the toilet, and I'm not as vibrant as I once was when I wasn't watching porn; I had turned back to the awkward person that I was when I was watching porn. I had seen the effects of not watching porn on myself but even THAT wasn't enough to keep me from watching again. Let's just say a mixture of stress, loneliness, and not being able to get a date since this past April has really put a stick in my progress... But this is it. Enough is enough. I need to do something about this Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction before it pushes away another girl I like. I've had about 6 opportunities to have sex but all those times I couldn't get it up. THAT alone has made me feel less of a man. It is also the main driving factor into why I haven't attempted to date any girl anymore... because I'm afraid I'll relive the experience of having one of the girls call me, "Gay."
So, starting today, December 21, 2016, I will not watch porn and let it grip me any longer. I want to be happy again and I want to be able to have a normal relationship with an actual girl than with a computer or IPhone screen. I will delete all the porn I have, including the ones I have saved for years.
I will post daily/weekly, depending on how I feel
If you would like to email me any kind of advice that would help me, you can get me at [email protected]
I know this rewiring and reboot will probably take a year or maybe even 2 years but I am in the for the long fight.
I have been watching porn as early as 7 or 8 years old.. Yeah... It was mainly softcore porn you would see in R-rated movies, but it escalated into actual hardcore porn when I got an Ipod Touch for Christmas at 14 years old. Since that time, I had been watching porn daily, when I wake up, come home from school, and go to bed, I would spend at most 1-2 hours per session... I am 21 now.
The main reason I first stopped watching porn was when I couldn't get an erection with this one girl that I liked back in September 2015. It was also my first opportunity to ever have sex but the embarrassment of not being able to get it up really emasculated me. We reattempted 3-4 times throughout dating before SHE broke up with me and even told me mid way trying to get me hard if I was "Gay."... Since that time, I realized porn was a really big issue. I had quit and had another opportunity to have sex months later into my reboot in the same year but still couldn't get it up. My frustration blew up by Valentine's Day 2016, and I felt really alone, lost and defeated after seeing couple after couple be so happy. So I said, "Fuck it." and started watching porn hardcore and some really fucked up stuff, too. Then, I realized that porn was making me feel empty and I attempted another reboot in June.. but that only lasted until this past November. It started with some Instagram videos of girls rubbing their boobs, then it turned to me looking for videos on instagram of porn videos where you only see the girls face while she's having sex, but with moaning and all, and then I just dove straight into watching porn again... and back to the same routine of about watching it 3-4 times a day with an hour or 2 for each session.
Yesterday, I just felt empty, sad and really fucking bad about myself and I started exploring porn that I thought I would never watch and that's when I realized that this addiction I had was turning for the worst. I also realized my self-esteem has gone down the toilet, and I'm not as vibrant as I once was when I wasn't watching porn; I had turned back to the awkward person that I was when I was watching porn. I had seen the effects of not watching porn on myself but even THAT wasn't enough to keep me from watching again. Let's just say a mixture of stress, loneliness, and not being able to get a date since this past April has really put a stick in my progress... But this is it. Enough is enough. I need to do something about this Porn-Induced Erectile Dysfunction before it pushes away another girl I like. I've had about 6 opportunities to have sex but all those times I couldn't get it up. THAT alone has made me feel less of a man. It is also the main driving factor into why I haven't attempted to date any girl anymore... because I'm afraid I'll relive the experience of having one of the girls call me, "Gay."
So, starting today, December 21, 2016, I will not watch porn and let it grip me any longer. I want to be happy again and I want to be able to have a normal relationship with an actual girl than with a computer or IPhone screen. I will delete all the porn I have, including the ones I have saved for years.
I will post daily/weekly, depending on how I feel
If you would like to email me any kind of advice that would help me, you can get me at [email protected]
I know this rewiring and reboot will probably take a year or maybe even 2 years but I am in the for the long fight.