3rd Reboot Attempt and Rewiring

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RedeemingAddiction21

Active Member
So, I'm going to humble brag here, but I participate in powerlifitng. For those that don't know what that is, it's basically similar to bodybuilding but in the sense that you're training for strength rather than looks...

Anyways, I'm pretty fit and muscular and this sport helps keep me in shape. However, the downside is that if you didn't know, lifting weights increases your testosterone levels, AKA what's the main driving factor of your sex drive and libido.

Today, I have been having that constant urge to masturbate after my shower, because it's what I always did after a workout. Watch porn and mastubate and relieve whatever tension was built up from the workout I did.

Unfortunately for me, I am trying to go 90 days without porn AND masturbation, and won't masturbate until that 90 day mark hits.. Which is on March 21st. I'm not going to watch porn either but yeah, I have one explanation as to why my urges are fighting me right now...
 
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RedeemingAddiction21

Active Member
I have come up with an idea and I would like to hear some opinions buuuut....

What if I don't masturbate at all. What if I just wait orgasm until sex?
I'm still a virgin... And I haven't been in the dating game for awhile... But what if I waited that long? Would I go insane?

Thoughts and opinions would be greatly appreciated!
 
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RedeemingAddiction21

Active Member
Matt... I feel like I would die from blue balls haha

Anyways, woke up this morning feeling semi-groggy. This is not due to not PMO or MO, but rather, I had some beers last night, but halfway through my third beer, I just poured it out. I know that's a party foul but a part of me just got tired of drinking (plus it was some cheap, piss-water tasting beer, not craft which I like better).

I guess this is a sign that my mind wants to be physically healthy as well...

Oh well, I ain't drinking for a while anyways.
 
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Matthewb95

Member
I haven't spoke on it but I actually had a really bad problem with alcohol since I was about 17 but I haven't drank since labor day of last year. Alcohol and my porn addiction were hand in hand I used alcohol to relieve my sexual frustration, loneliness, and social anxiety and It worked for years haha but I ended up getting really bad off ended up losing my job and stuff. I feel like once I'm rebooted and start dating, get back in school and stuff I could probably start drinking responsibly but not for now. Also i know that would be a huge trigger for me because I use to party really hard Friday and Saturday and watch porn and masturbate all day sunday while I nursed my hang over
 
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Rise Against

Member
Ever since I started this reboot I also stopped drink great amounts of alcohol. I try to replace it with other beverages that look like beer or wine (apple juice, rivella, cassis or just water etc) I just can't let go off my sunday scotch in combination with a cigarette and a Miles Davis record. And I also smoke some weed like once a month since it really helps me focus and relax. But you should do whatever feels best man!! You got my support and the support of everyone here!! Only advise I can give you when it comes to physical health is that 70% is your diet and 30% is working out. Replace unhealthy snacks with healthy ones like instead of potato chips make a bowl with paprika and cucumber. Its crisp just like the chips but healthier. And the biggest tip: SMOOTHIES man!! Just throw a whole bunch of fruit/vegetables in the blender and you have a real vitamin boost which provides you with enormous amounts of energy. Good luck and thanks for your supportive words!! The smooth-sailor part really made my laugh thanks :D
 
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RedeemingAddiction21

Active Member
@Rise Against: I think I'm going to keep alcohol limited to social interaction rather than drinking alone. Drinking alone is the most depressing thing you can do lol As for physical health, I have been doing powerlifting for a little under 2 years now, but I've just now started to learn more about dieting and portioning everything out more. And let me tell you, being healthy is a lifestyle and I understand the whole what to eat and not to eat but a part of me just doesn't want to do it haha But I gotta get a blender for the smoothie tho, I think that sounds like a great idea.

So, I've started to notice that once I go through instagram and go through the "Explore" Page, whenever I am scrolling around, I catch myself staring at girls in suggestive outfits a lot. Like some photos where they wear a shirt with no bra and I can still see their boobs. Now, my mind is resilient but I can slowly feel myself feel pulled by it. I understand it's bad and maybe I should just stop going through the explore page and just put instagram down before I go to sleep..

This journey ain't getting any easier y'all.
 
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Adicktive_Mentality

Member
Hey man good job! Sounds like yoy're doing it! I've had the same experience that you described where the girl just looked at me and asked if i was gay because i was having such bad erection problems. That is definately one shitty feeling right there! I also want to encourage you to stay away from the alcohol too if youve had problems with it in the past. I also have some other addictions too and they can go hand in hand for sure, try to stay strong on all fronts and itll be easier!
 
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RedeemingAddiction21

Active Member
@Adicktive: Thanks man, I'm not going to drink alcohol alone anymore and I'm limiting it to only the weekends due to school and well due to money haha but thanks for reading my story!
 
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Rise Against

Member
AAAAH didn't know you were lifting for 2 years. You probably have more knowledge than me then;). Yeah my blender is my best friend at the moment. And Instagram is a not a very helpful social medium during your reboot. My own timeline is as safe as can be but indeed man that exploring page is a very dark side where you don't want to stray for to long. Last thing before I go to sleep is take a quick look at the forum. A quick motivational reply helps me a lot and when I visit this forum I know I'm not alone and that gives me a lot of strength. Good luck with your journey man. I'll read your story every day!!
 
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RedeemingAddiction21

Active Member
@Rise Against: Yeah, I've been lifting for quite a while, I may have to wait until my next pay check before I get a blender haha. And yeah last night I put my phone down and stayed on instagram for only a little while before going to bed. But thanks for reading!

I woke up this morning to another boner. I thought I was approaching the flatline phase but STILL working through this whole not watching porn thing. But in this attempt, I threw in the variable of not masturbating anymore and I think that really plays a huge role in why I'm not entering the flatline phase just yet... Like I sadly was humping my bed a little bit to try to relieve the blue balls I've been having for the past 3 weeks but God I made myself a promise to never do the dirty.

Today marks almost 3 weeks with blue balls, without PMO or MO. Pray for me (???)
 
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RedeemingAddiction21

Active Member
So... I drank again last night, but because it was a special occasion and I was watching my team play the National Football Championship. I had a good time and I saw this one particular girl again that I saw on my 21st birthday when I went out to go celebrate. It was really weird because even in my drunkard state, I could still remember her name. There was something alluring about her, but she was drunk too so there was no point in me trying to say anything to her... She had a guy with her and he had his hands all over her like a boyfriend would do so I assumed they were boyfriend and girlfriend.

Anyways, after we won the game, everyone was up and screaming and I was going around and hugging everyone and I went up and hugged her and not to sound like a creep, but even though it does, it just felt nice to hold a girl again... and because I was hugging her, she was just holding onto me tightly and screaming in joy... Old nostalgic feelings man.

Oh well, that's the most contact I've had in a while with a girl in a long time, but as the Spring Semester of school starts tomorrow, dating will not be an option as I will have to hold off on it until I make good grades.

In other news, I woke up this morning half-assedly humping the bed because I woke up with a hard morning wood. Guys, I think throwing in the variable of not masturbating this time really is screwing with my head and body, but I'm doing my best to keep my "life force" in me :p
 
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RedeemingAddiction21

Active Member
I want to go back to a much more simpler time... I don't want to do much thinking, just more doing.. I don't know I just had a glass of wine and I am getting some old nostalgic feelings where I never had to worry about girls or being good enough or anything. Just being a kid and not having to worry about anything but just having fun.

I want to be free again.
 
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ksempai

Active Member
Hey mate,
I just had a bit of a skim over your journal. Didn't quite read it all but got most of the jist of where you're at.
I can definitely feel your pain and went through the exact same thing as you except it took me until I was 25 for the lightning bolt to hit me and realise it was due to porn.
I take my hat off to any guy that gets on to this earlier because you've got so much life ahead of you. I think back to all the opportunities that floated on by me throughout my 20's. They've seriously been the best times of my life, and I'm definitely feeling them starting to wind down in that regard now that I'm 28. Life's still good, but the vibrancy and things you get up to in your 20s including uni (college) are once in a lifetime. Do whatever you can to make sure you can enjoy them to the best of your ability. Including being able to get a boner when you need to!

Keep working through it man and from my opinion you're doing the right thing with stemming your drinking. I really enjoyed my partying back in the day, drinking & drugs, but it was one of my biggest triggers. I battled to let it all go for a long time and thought I could stop PMOing without having to change any of those old habits, but time and time again it caught me undone and with my pants down. I've come to realise the only way through is to decide you're going to change your life and have a solid plan in approaching your triggers to old bad habits.

If you've done 7 months previously you've already proven to yourself that you can do it. That momentum there is something solid. Use your past successes to drive.

And just be a kid. It's something I'm only just realising now. As serious as life feels, trust me, its not haha
 
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RedeemingAddiction21

Active Member
So, yesterday, I broke the 3 week mark of no PMO or MO, which is a huge feat for me as the longest I have ever gone without masturbation in general was 2 weeks. ANYWAYS, yesterday was also the first day of school for the Spring Semester at my college and let me tell you, It's a shock to me that I am noticing a lot more pretty girls and it is sort of making me difficult to keep myself together... But the weird thing is, I can actually feel myself talk slightly smoother again with everyone and especially girls... It's kind of weird but this is not new to me as I have experienced it before. It may be a placebo or it may actually be the result of not watching porn or masturbating, but hell, it's making it easier to socialize. I think my brain was really trying force myself to mate with someone to relieve this sexual frustration that is building up inside me.

Now, today, I saw one of my ex's in one of my classes... she's in my major and she was the one who I told you about in my first post who asked if I was "gay" since I couldn't get it up for her.. Yeah, well, when I heard the professor call her name in class during roll call, my mind instantly raced back to that time with her and I don't like saying the word "triggered" but fuck, did it trigger me like a motherfucker and I was sitting there brewing inside my head all the bad things that occurred and the look of disappoint me on her face... And my heart was beating fast and it was really hard to breathe... Anyways, I only caught a glimpse of her since she sat 2 rows behind me in class, but hell, I felt like her eyes were on me or that she spread gossip around to her friends that I couldn't get it up...
It really made me feel insecure about myself and my masculinity in general.. But I am on sort of good terms with her, nothing ended terribly, but she did reject me in the end because of my impotence.

So, that was my day today, but let's just say, I think this is a good thing I am doing with not watching porn AND abstaining from masturbating. I think not masturbating is speeding up my progress a little bit. Though, I can feel myself slowly heading into the flatline phase and that's okay, I just will let it pass, and in the mean time, just talk to some girls and not be close-minded.

Hope everyone else is doing well!  :)

@KroSen: Thanks for reading man, and yeah I realized now that I need to really watch out for myself and live a little or else I'll regret not having fun a little bit along the way.

 
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Rise Against

Member
Congratulations on your milestone man!! Keep up the good spirit and yeah just let it happen. You are only getting better from this journey!! Good luck!!
 
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RedeemingAddiction21

Active Member
So, it seems like drinking has been filling in the gap from not watching porn or masturbating. No, I'm not drinking every day, only limited to the weekends, but yeah I had to celebrate another friend's 21st birthday yesterday and let's just say I got more drunk than her.

And I've been doing some introspection on myself and I'm starting to realize that I may have a negative attitude towards women. Like I think it stems from the girls I dated and my past experience with some of them that contributed to this ideology.. and maybe porn contributed as well. But I noticed that whenever a girl tries to look at me or whenever she shows a hint of interest, I start to stray away or not even give them a hint of attention.. I think it's my mind's defense mechanism of not getting hurt by another girl by limiting interaction with them so I don't get too involved. I've got to stop doing this one way or the other. I know it's not good but I have noticed this occurring frequently...

Also, it will be one month this coming Wednesday since I watched porn or masturbated and not masturbating for a whole month is a huge feat for me. I can feel myself still feeling heavily unmotivated and lethargic but that may be from the alcohol. Anyways, I'm sticking with the program and hope everything turns out for the better in the next coming months.
 
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Rise Against

Member
I know exactly how you're feeling. My past experience with dating girls were horrible and most of the time they just ignored me and denied that they even knew me. This had a huge impact on my self esteem and confidence and because I'm already kinda introvert I thought that it was all my fault. This of course is nonsense but it definitely had a impact on my porn consumption which led to even more insecurity about myself and my ability to get engaged and maintain a relationship. But introspection is a hard but very good way to overcome such things. I don't have a solution for this problem myself so I can't help you with that but I do believe that if you aware of your weaknesses you overcome them more easily. Maybe if you give it some time and keep working on yourself this problem will dissapear. Not every girl is trying to hurt you and treat others like you like to be treated and if they do hurt you throw them out of your life because they ain't adding shit to it. Keep going bro because you are doing a great job!!
 
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