3rd Reboot Attempt and Rewiring

[RedeemingAddiction21]

I have been really small urges, like they are on the tip of my tongue but then they go away. It's so weird. Orgasming to me right now seems almost foreign since I haven't done it in almost a month and that's really weirding me out.
School was out today due to MLK, so I got to work out longer this morning and I also got work tonight so that will fill my time and school starts up again tomorrow, so at least I'll have something to occupy my mind.
Not in the mood to see my ex in class tomorrow, but again, a part of me just says, "Stand up straight and don't be a little bitch." It still has been a year since I talked to her so I will probably say hi if I see her.

2 days before I reach the benchmark of 1 month without porn or masturbation...

@Rise Against: Thanks man, I'm slowly trying to stop myself from doing that little "defense mechanism" I do and actually smile or utter the words "hi" when a girl looks at me. I used to be so damned confident 2 years ago in Freshman year, but after dating about 5 girls, they had really turned me upside down. It's all about getting back on the monkey bars!

 

[RedeemingAddiction21]

So, yesterday, I realized I started speaking more eloquently with a new female co worker. It was really weird... Like I was telling her a story about how I was dealing with a racist dude at a bus stop (story for another time). Usually, when I tell stories, my thoughts are everywhere and I usually stutter, but when I was telling her the story yesterday, I said it so eloquently that even after I finished, I was surprised that I was able to talk to well haha Anyways, maybe this whole no masturbating or porn is a good thing...

AND THEN, today, I saw the girl I told you about in my first post who called me "gay" when I couldn't get it up for her. She made eye contact with me but looked away and well, it was just exchange of glances but I guess we really didn't know what to say to each other. But oh well, it's whatever. I still get mini flashbacks of me and her together, the good and mostly the bad.
One step at a time though... Maybe this is a sign that I gotta make peace with the situation and truly let it go... We'll see.

 

[yodaranch]

@RedeemingAddiction21

I personally think, that theres nothing bad about a "healthy" relationship to masturbation.
Meaning, to masturbate without porn nor fantasys related, but with real affection for oneself and not in a compulsive manner (lets say once a week  (there are interesting discussions about frequency))

While recovering it might be different though, and I havent read enough about that really.
But once recovered, I think its a normal expression of ones sexuality.

 

[RedeemingAddiction21]

WEEK 4!!!

Today marks 4 weeks without porn or masturbation!!!
This is the longest I have gone without masturbation, but the longest without porn is 7 months, so I still need to break that record 

The next goal is 60 days, but damn, I think I can get there!!!

Well, let me tell you some noticeable differences I've experienced so far:
1. It's easier to talk; as in, I don't stutter as much as I used to, which was kind of weird.
2. My mind isn't scatter brained, I seem a bit more focused on what I do.
3. It's getting slightly easier to talk to girls.. like some barrier is slowly starting to chip away. I mean I used to talk to girls really well, but I think my confidence is getting up.
4. I feel like I have more energy than before.

This is all that I can come up with so far. But I mean, I can tell I'm in the flatline phase right now, so I won't be experiencing any morning woods, or sex dreams or anything of the like for a while. I've also been getting better sleep, which is nice, even though I've had a hectic school and work schedule...

I also introduced myself to a girl today. I mean the teacher forced us to get into a group, but it was just me and her and well, she seemed nice. I've noticed her looking at me in previous classes, but this is the first time me and her talked and her personality seems cool. I'm not trying to get my hopes up because a million scenarios are playing in my head, but I'm going to do my best to keep my cool. I may ask her out if I'm feeling it, but this time I'm probably going to try to get to know the person before actually asking her out instead of building off of romantics.

I'm probably going to get more sexually frustrated (even though I slightly am due to not masturbating) but hey, it's all a part of the plan
?\_(?)_/?

@Yodaranch: I plan to not masturbate for a year and see where it takes me. I've masturbated many times to just fantasy and I know I won't be able to control myself if I start masturbating again. This is my 3rd time doing an reboot and 3rd time's the charm right? So I threw in the variable of no masturbation to see where that will take me.

 

[yodaranch]

Sounds legit! And congrats to your 30 DAYS!

 

[ksempai]

Good job mate! It's a good feeling to hit a target. I've definitely noticed the benefits of removing masturbation from your reboot in my previous runs. Personally I feel it's almost more important that just porn removal, as to me in my brain, I've hardwired real sexual actions (masturbation, even intimate relations with past partners) to porn and so my brain doesn't really recognise the difference between the two.

If I can make a possible suggestion for you from my own experiences. I've always found things really easy while in flatline as it allows you just get on with your day and not have sexual thoughts come about. However, I've often found myself unprepared and thus overwhelmed with sexual feelings once I come out of it. This has generally been around the 60 day mark for me and has eventually led me to relapsing at some point. More often than not it's to do with me getting ahead of myself with a girl I'm dating at the time haha.
My suggestion is to just have this self-awareness about it and don't let your guard down to easily, and to create some form of plan about how you'll deal with this feelings now whilst you're in a pretty good headspace.

Full confidence to you in pulling through this though, it sounds like you're doing some good work behind the scenes and your previous 7 month stint is something great to give yourself inner confidence to draw on.

Keep up the good work mate.

 

[Rise Against]

Great achievement bro, keep it up!! Let all your good changes motivate you!

 

[RedeemingAddiction21]

Day 32

Oh jeez, I know I'm in the complete flatline phase right now. I forgot what flatline felt like haha
I can tell it's a bit harder to talk to girls and stuff now because I simply have lost interest in trying to get with girls. Like I don't have as many sexual thoughts as I did when I was watching porn.
I was also watching Dexter with my friend last night and there came a sex scene on that showed the girl's boobs and everything, but none of it fazed me at all. Like no boner or anything... For last few days, I have had slight erections, but nothing really hard or nothing I couldn't resist... Maybe I am going to hold off on asking this one girl out in my class until I feel sexually ready again. For now, I got dead dick  ;D

I know this phase will only last a few weeks and after that, the real test begins and that's when strong erections and heavy sexual thoughts are going to come through.

@KroSen: I'm going to take your advice to heart. I've been through this 2 times, but it appears I have forgot how things turned out during the reboot process. We will see how day 60 affects me.

 

[RedeemingAddiction21]

Day 33

So, I'm in class today right, and I'm sitting in between 2 girls. No big deal, both of them were cute. But lo and behold, when the girl to the left of me started brushing up to me (just accidentally might I add), 2 things happened:

1. I started getting sexual thoughts about the girl and then started getting flashbacks about the girls I've been with in the past whom I've seen naked and the things we've done...

2. Then outta nowhere, instant erection.

I placed my hand over my crotch so the girls wouldn't see but damn I thought I was in flatline?!?! And then as the teacher was lecturing, I just kept on looking at her boobs...

Y'all, I think this whole "no masturbation for a year" thing is really speeding up my reboot process. Or maybe not, but I'm sure as hell bouncing everywhere. One day I have no sexual feelings and then the next I'm all over the place. Huge fluctuations.

And this is the longest time I have ever gone without masturbation. My previous record was 2 weeks, but now it's apparently 33 days now haha

Let's hope this funny business doesn't go overboard because I remember one time I was mid reboot last year and the smell of a girl's hair turned me on.
I think my body is trying to really get me to orgasm, but I've made a promise to myself to not orgasm unless I have sex or a girl does it for me so I can make the mental connection in my head...

Thoughts would be nice on what the hell is going on because no masturbation is a new variable I've thrown in in this attempt.

 

[ksempai]

Good job mate. I would take this as a positive sign that you'd be able to get (at least) a reasonable erection if with a girl. Maybe full strength, maybe dwindling, but nothing like your previous experiences.

Others may have differing opinions, but the way I see it you've got 2 options. Keep in mind that you've only gone 33 days and so old brain wiring habits will be lurking about and ready to pounce if you let them and move towards the sexual path. This is again just my experience. Everyone's different so take everything I say with a grain of salt and relate to your own life and experiences.
You can either try pursue girls and listen to your true male brain and take the lead and go for it. Be aware of where you're at and realise this will instigate a lot more sexual thoughts, which if you haven't battened down all your hatches can lead to big mental battles/conversations over "just this once" "I'll feel much better after this".
The other option if you're not feeling prepared for those mental confrontations just yet is to pull away from it all and let the mind cool down for the moment, give it a sexual or relationship break.

I know it's one of the toughest decisions to make. I've turned to the sexual path thinking I was pretty set and ready but then things haven't gone as I'd planned or imagined, sometimes even just progressing to slowly with the girl or me not being willing to take that leap of faith and act as per how I was feeling, and then found myself in hot water eventually relapsing.
On the flip side, pulling away from it is one of the biggest signs of mental strength you can prove to yourself and reinforces to you that you ARE in control of your sexual urges to use when you want, not when you feel them. This is a lot harder in reality I've found compared to what it appears in writing. I've probably done this once, but what I gained from it was incredible the confidence I gained from it, I just wasn't prepared for future events that came along.

Wish you your best in whichever way you decide to go. Just go back to, what is your primary goal right now? What are you actually trying to achieve in the long term and how is your decision right now going to help get you there?

 

[RedeemingAddiction21]

Day 34

AAAaaand I think my dick has finally calmed down and I think I'm possibly in the flatline phase now because I realized my smooth talking disappeared out of thin air haha I'm getting semi-awkward again with the way I talk but we will see how that changes in the next coming days. Also I've had a few sexual thoughts, but not enough to push me overboard.

@KroSen: It's too early to make that call with getting an erection with a girl haha I am debating on asking this one girl out in my class but a part of me is scared of rejection like a motherfucker and just a lot of bad experiences with girls hold me back and also a hell of a lot of school work is what keeps me from having the free time to even date.
So maybe hitting on the girl may not be the best idea right now... Who knows I may ask her out this weekend, I really just don't know because I don't think I'm ready.
My primary goal honestly is to not end up with PIED again and to actually have a lasting relationship for once in my life.

 

[RedeemingAddiction21]

Day 35

Y'all, I just want my penis back. Like I'm in a college town and when I walk around campus, I see a lot of pretty girls, but damn this flatline got me thinking that they're not the most attractive thing. Like I felt like I had all the powers in the world and I could smooth talk with anyone I wanted to, but after a week, some social anxiety came back and I've been getting semi-sweaty and get an embarrassment feeling all over my back and around my bodies. It's a weird sensation that keeps putting me on edge and making me feel anxious. Man I don't know.

Anyways, there is this one chick in my class that I reeeeaaaalllly want to ask out, but I think during the flatline phase, I don't think that's a good idea. I don't know, it's been a while since I've got a raging erection (well, I wouldn't really count Monday's because that one was not completely erect, but almost there).
Anyways, enough about me talking about my penis, just giving y'all an update.

Here's to hoping day 60 gets here sooner.

 

[RedeemingAddiction21]

Day 38

So, I had a near sex dream about this one girl in my class that I've been talking about in my previous posts. Long story short I've been debating on asking her out or not, but based on a few reasons such as time away from school (I'm taking 17 credit hours, which is a lot), having money, and just having the time to spend with her... but I'm always so damn busy with work and school that I don't know if I will have that option. I can tell she's attracted to me and we always talk before class, but then split ways afterwards, and she's always looking at me throughout class... I don't know, I'm just a stupid boy trying to rant on about a girl in class. It's just been about close to a year since I had a date with a girl. All the other times I just go with female friends that I don't have much interest in.

Plus, I'm into the outgoing kind of girls but it's weird how I always end up dating the quiet ones, which this girl is.
I don't know, I would like to try to start somewhere to try to rewire myself a little bit faster but at the same time, I don't want to rush into anything because I know how that turns out.

And last night I was watching Black Mirror on Netflix with my friend and one of the episodes was showing something heavily porn related and showed boobs and almost the whole 900 yards, it sort of fazed me, but not enough for me to go home and watch porn. But I did wake up to having thoughts about that episode this morning and about the girl and I got a sort of half erection, and I had the urge to masturbate but I let it go and it faded away.

Man, only 327 days until I reach my goal.

 

[RedeemingAddiction21]

Day 40

Well, a couple of days ago, I was scrolling through Instagram and saw a picture of an anime character getting screwed, but it only showed her face. Well, curiosity got the best of me and I searched google images for the picture, and got to seeing one naked picture before I realized what I was doing and exited out of the page on my phone.
I still haven't masturbated or watched porn, but damn a part of me is having some heavy cravings to see a girl naked and it is really screwing me up.

Like today, all morning during class, I was fixated on the one girl I was planning on asking out (I've talked about her in my previous posts). I had so many sexual thoughts about her to the point where I was almost getting an erection by how erotic my mind was conjuring her up to be... But I saw her later today in one of my classes, and realized that she wasn't all that... and then all the sexual thoughts about her disappeared for some reason... basically, she wasn't right for me, but my mind was trying to trick me into thinking that she was to try to get me to sleep with her.
Good God, my mind can be a cruel bitch. Thankfully, I didn't rush myself in asking the girl out and I'm proud that I waited it out to figure that I wasn't really into the girl to start with.. More like trying to make something out of nothing at all. No spark or chemistry with her.

Oh well, I can wait, but so far, the sexual thoughts are slowly making a comeback and a huge part of me feels unprepared to go through this wave again.

This has officially been the longest I have been without masturbation and I really want to get laid, but at the same time, I don't want to give up my virginity to just any girl, but the right one... Living in a college town is making this difficult.

May God have mercy on my soul (???)

 

[RedeemingAddiction21]

Day 42

I'm in that weird phase where I go from thinking about sex to not thinking about it all. And it comes in bursts. Like I'll see a pretty girl and my mind will just flash straight into what it's like to have sex with her and it'll stay in that zone for 30 seconds, I catch myself imagining and I try to refocus on whatever I do and then I think about it again and then refocus and it just goes in one huge circle.

And even yesterday, when I was in my Anatomy Lab class, this girl who was in my group just bent over and I got a full frontal view into her cleavage and I couldn't stop looking at it. Like my eyes would just fucking gravitate towards her boobs. Y'all I think I'm losing my sense of focus. I wasn't even attracted to the girl (well more so her body).

It seems like ever since I took away masturbation out of the equation, my mind is doing everything in its power to try to get me to get an orgasm.

I think I am slowly transitioning out of flatline phase because it has been officially 6 weeks since I have watched porn or masturbated and I think the approximate time that flatline phase starts and ends is about 4-6 weeks.

So who the fuck knows what's going to happen in the next coming week, but all I can say is that my mind has been transitioning to thinking about sex to not thinking about it and then thinking about it again.

Welp, hopefully I don't die of blue balls.  ;D

 

[Rise Against]

Blue balls aren't lethal as far as my knowledge goes haha. Goodluck bro and don't try to punish yourself for staring at boobs. Boobs are and always will be quitte hypnotizing. You are doing good!!

 

[RedeemingAddiction21]

Day 44

TL;DR is at the bottom if you don't want to read my wall of text and pointless rambling.

So, I had the opportunity to ask for this girl's number but I didn't do it. Something inside of me told me to not do it.

I work on my college campus and I set up chairs and tables for events and work in particular buildings throughout campus. Well, a new building opened up and I had to be there to set up audio and visuals and they were doing a soft opening only open to employees of the campus, and in came this one girl who I see almost all the time around the building I work in.

Long story short, the new building had a built in cafe and I got a food voucher to get something to eat and basically came up to her and talked to her and just pretty much was myself and told her how I didn't know what to get. And well, she introduced herself first to me which was surprising because girls usually never tell me their name. It's usually a nice acknowledgement and a few half-assed laughs and they walk away because of my quirkiness sometimes.

But I have a knack on picking up when a girl is attracted to me and I can sort of tell she was. But that's beyond the point.
The point is this: I don't eat where I shit... or in other words, I don't date in the same place I work or live because if things don't end up going well, I have to end up seeing that person all the time and I already did that once with a girl in my workplace, so bad experiences add up.

So yeah, I wanted to ask for her number but I knew had to wait and not act on impulses because of the reasons above and because I don't and won't have the time to spend with her even if we started dating because I would be too busy with school...

I know part of the reboot process is to get myself out there, but really, it's kind of nerveracking to make myself vulnerable again.

TL;DR met a new girl, felt she was attracted to me, but didn't want to pursue because of bad experiences and not being in the position to have a relationship or any kind of dating

 

[angourakis]

@RedeemingAddiction21 I read the 3 pages of your history and a couple of things came to my mind:

1) You said you had some experiences with girls of your school, but one of them asked you if you are gay after the frustrated attempt of having sex. And now, from what I read, you're afraid that it happens again and they ask you if you're gay again (or worse, they tell others and we know where it goes...)

Well, first of all: there's nothing wrong with being gay, or straight, or bi.. or whatever! The only thing we should be worried about is to be happy with who we like.
Second, they are not you! ONLY YOU know how you feel or who you're attracted to, physically and sexually.

I think the problem is not only your addiction to masturbation or pornography. Think about it: when you find yourself with a girl and it seems you're about to have sex, do you allow it to happen naturally or you start getting worried if your dick is going to work, or if you are giving her pleasure or, if everything goes wrong, what she's going to think about you?
Stop thinking about what other people think or would think and start enjoying the moment you're having with the girl. And if it does not go as planned, that's fine, you will have other opportunities to try again.
And, if you don't because the person expects some kind of 'perfection' coming from you, than, say thank you she's saying good bye. She does not worth your time

I know it's not easy to think like this when we are 21 and we 'still virgin'. But, trust me, more than porn, these people also make us feel less confident or like something is wrong with us. Don't rush, it will come naturally with someone who will make you feel special and will understand you when you need to.

Just to finish: I had a similar experience with a boy (about 2 months ago). Everything was going perfect and then, some things that are natural to sex happened. Well, to summarize the story:  After that day, he stopped talking to me and never mentioned the subject. What I did? I just moved on with my life. If he can't talk about something natural like sex (and what comes with it), then I don't want know what else he finds a "taboo".


2) I masturbate every day, sometimes twice a day. I started thinking it was not a big deal, after all, we are getting to know our bodies, right? Wrong! In my case, I do it because a) I am anxious so it's a way to alleviate this feeling; b) I have nothing better to do (which, normally, is not true. I have tons of things to do, but I use it to "escape"); c) again, feelings playing their role: I feel sad or alone; z) I feel horny (z because it's the last option and it's rarely the case).

Anyway.. after masturbating, instead of feeling satisfied and happy, I realize I feel emptier and more alone. Really, I don't do it for the sake of pleasure anymore (it has been a few years already).


It's great to read you're having success, really! I started this "Reboot thing" just two days ago and it's fabulous to read I can change it if I really want, deeply. Keep posting what is happening with you and how you dealing with it. It's certainly helping many people =)

Best Regards,
Rafael

 

[RedeemingAddiction21]

Day 46

The only good thing about being busy with school is that it's just that: It keeps me busy. I don't have time to think about porn or anything and honestly, it has been a while since I MO and PMO'ed.
I woke up this morning around 6-7 AM to a hard morning wood and then fell back asleep and woke up again 3 hours later to it being gone. I guess that's some sign of progress right there. It'll be about 2 more weeks until I hit day 60, and I believe that will be the turning point in which no MO or PMO will be hard because I've been there and done that and the morning woods get harder and even the slight touch from a girl will trigger a boner...

I'm still thinking about the one girl I talked about in my last post. Huge chunk of me regrets not doing anything about it, but hey, I'll see her around, it's not like it's the end of the world. But I need to get myself out there again for this rewire attempt to actually work this time rather than staying on hiatus with dating.

And I did some out loud talking with myself last night and I realized that all of the girls I have either date or had any sexual intimacy with.. I'm not really friends with any of them. I don't have constant contact with them or anything.. I see them around and catch up with them if they come up or I come up and talk to them, but not anyone of those girls I am actually friends with... And that kind of makes me sad to think about... Like I have never really been friends with a girl before I dated them. Any of my encounters before dating a girl has been built off of intimacy and lust. I've made a promise to myself to not ask anyone out on a date unless I have gotten to know them for more than a month.. That's why I haven't been dating for a long time.. I've just been waiting to be friends with a girl even before I do anything physical..  I made this promise to myself because I knew what I was attracted to...

I learned that I was most attracted to the girls that made me laugh, the ones that are really caring, and the ones I can naturally get along with.. So far, I have only met a few girls like that but they either have a boyfriend or they are not interested in me which is completely okay but it's discouraging sometimes.. There is hope in me this year that I will meet someone kind.. I don't know if any of you have watched 500 Days of Summer but the ending of the movie really gives me hope that there may be someone out there that is right for me, but I just haven't noticed her yet... Who knows, I'm just all up in my feelings today.

@angourakis:
Hell yeah I'm scared to date because I don't want to experience what I experienced again. It's kind of terrifying to think that before I ask out a girl, I always question myself on whether my dick will actually work.
And I understand that whatever sexuality is on them and it's their journey. The only reason I was upset was because the girl used it as a way to emasculate me and make me feel worthless.
And you're right, when I am with a girl and if about to have sex, I do think about pleasing the girl too much and not letting things flow naturally...
And yeah, the only reason I did really quit porn was because I felt really really empty and sad after orgasming. I just looked at myself and just kept asking myself, "Is this the best I can do to please myself? Is this really how I want to keep living?" It was just epiphany that really pushed me to stop because it just fucking sucked.
And I'm sorry to hear what you experienced. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm not the only one who's going through this. But that's why I keep posting to remind myself and others that I am constantly going through a struggle.
Thank you for responding

 

[RedeemingAddiction21]

Day 47

I've been getting a huge rush of loneliness lately. No it's not porn urges anymore but it's the sense of belonging to someone and having a relationship... You know? Like to have something... anything with someone. To have a sort of connection that only I and the person I am with share. There's been a sudden shift in me to get out there again and do something about this.

But.. I'm really fucking scared. I am honestly terrified. Even though I am happy, upbeat guy, whenever the subject of Love comes up, I get distressed. I can help others through their problems with relationships but I can't seem to help myself.
I really want to take a girl out on a nice date, get to know her, and maybe watch a movie or two. I haven't done that since last April and it's just a bummer to not have the experience for a while. I experience the same thing day in, day out. Wake up, workout, go to class, study, and go to bed. Occasional talking to friends but nothing really exciting in my day.
This is why I get so excited when a girl starts giving me attention in the slightest, because maybe one day, it'll be a different day...

But the thing that holds me back is this semester, I have to be completely selfish with my time, eat when I want, study when I want, and do whatever I want and not be held down or obligated to someone. I have to be selfish because I may lose my scholarship if I don't stay focused. I wouldn't have the time to give a girl all my attention and I feel like that's what a girl deserves.

Anyways, that's just me rambling. Not masturbating really makes you introspective.