(fyi - I wrote this before you wrote your most recent post)...
Hey mate
I do not need to feel shame or guilt for 'stumbling'
Sure, being hard on yourself never helps. If you've done something you feel was bad for you, think about it analytically - why did it happen? What was the lead up? How do I stop this happening again? Make sure you're constantly adapting your sobriety methods and improving them.
One thing that helped me in that situation was reading a bit of advice on the forum:
Never act on curiosity! Since then, I've caught myself feeling ok, but thinking of just looking up a pretty actress to see... oh I don't know, but it feels innocent enough - of course it's not innocent and leads to a whole cycle of difficulty. Now I think - Ah! that's unhealthy curiosity! I feel a pull, but i'm not allowed to go there. big game changer.
It's great that you were a warrior in that moment and said NO! I WONT DO THIS. but it gets tiring to be a warrior with every urge. Think about what you're feeling in these moments. Recently, I got home from work, I wanted a feel-good reward after an unrewarding day, I was tired, a bit depressed, and cold! I was vegging on my couch under a blanket and of course urges started. I thought about how I felt, and chose a bath and my favourite mellow music - got warm, got relaxed, got happy, and afterwards, the 'emergency' had passed.
building up my life authentically - love, work, relationships, family
Those big reasons are great, but think about what your short term/ easy options are to avoid P, and have them in mind for emergencies.
well done on keeping focus!
hehe, and as I'm here, re your '?'. for banters sake... I would argue... this
is a new chapter, isn't it? No two ways about it. You're here cos you can't live with P in your life. So sobriety is the only option, you may stumble, and you may relapse, but you'll end up back here trying to defeat the beast until you do, right? YOU can make it a long process by relapsing, or you can make it a short process by never relapsing again. It all starts here with this new chapter. can you imagine yourself thinking, 'this is too hard, I give up forever, i'm going to have to try and see how I can live a meaningful rewarding while PMO'ing once a week, I'm sure it can be done.' (just thinking aloud mate
)