Hello Gentlemen, thanks for the kind posts.
Hi Kenny, you ask about using fantasy during the reboot. I went back and read your posts since January 7, 2015, your first "Starting" post. 25 posts.
Since you are posting here in the addiction forum I presume you own that you are addicted.
There are many guys who have asked this question because for a lot of addicts reaching O without P is impossible. By "P" I don't mean just porn but also porn fantasy or hypersexual fantasy. That is even during sex; there are a number of addicts, (I was one myself), who could have sex all day, who could get it up, who did not suffer from PIED, but do to the addiction, could not reach O unless they were thinking of porn or hypersexual thoughts. The reason? We had desensitized ourselves to reality, to a real, live, breathing person with a heart beat, and had sensitized our reward center to reward only porn or hypersexual thoughts, with a dopamine high. I have spoken to many guys who have asked the question and I have usually told them the question is just the addiction whispering in their ear, telling them they must continue to use, giving them some argument for why it is impossible to stop. In your case, however, I understand you and your wife have some sexuality issues not everyone shares, so I don't consider this the addiction trying to talk you into keeping it in your life.
That said...for a successful reboot you must eliminate fantasy during the reboot because otherwise you are just feeding that reward pathway, keeping is sensitized, when the goal is to desensitize that pathway and rewire the reward pathway that rewards actual sex. I am sorry that this is so black and white but it is. The addiction is literally the result of us unconsciously creating a reward pathway for something other than sex, as in porn and fantasy. For addicts, and especially for addicts in the quitting phase, we trigger swimsuit models, just the thought of them, which is actually feeding the porn pathway because it is something not real.
The good news is many guys report that, if they are successful in the reboot, around day 90 the process gets easier. While many successful rebooters advize absolutely "hard mode", no P, no PMO, no MO, no O, and no porn substitutes (which fantasy is, especially in the reboot period) I believe having sex, real sex with a real partner and achieving O with them is fine so long as you are only thinking of them, and not porn or fantasy. . Why? The purpose of the reboot is to reset your brain's reward pathways back to factory settings as they say, which is another way of saying you want to teach your brain to reward real sex and quit rewarding porn. But that process does not have to be first A then B. If you can eliminate rewarding porn, and porn is rewarded with a dopamine hit whether we are seeing it, watching it, or just imagining it (fantasizing), and start rewarding real sex, then you are strengthening the pathway you are here to strengthen. It sounds easier than it is because once you have desensitized to real sex and have sensitized to porn it is hard to go back but...according to your post you can do it without fantasy, it just takes longer, meaning the side effects of the addiction are, for you, less than many guys who A) cannot get it up unless porn is involved or B) cannot reach O unless porn is involved. You can get it up and can reach O during sex, it just takes a bit longer without fantasy, which is actually fantastic, you are well ahead of the game.
Eliminate the fantasy and all porn during the reboot, focus on the object of your obvious affection, and gradually, over time, it should become easier for you to reach O focusing only on your wife and having no fantasy at all in your head. When that happens, you will be "rewired".
My opinion.
Peace.
Will I AM.
Remember, if done right this is a limited 90 time in your life to achieve long term results, and if you successfully complete the reboot you should be OK there after.