One woman's view

[Bibbity]

Rainiegirl I think he will eventually get it.  He is still deep in it mentally and our society doesn't help.  It takes a VERY intelligent woman to even recognize it.  I am on another marriage forum and got reamed out yesterday because I suggested a man give up watching porn to be more attracted to his wife.  Oh boy that did not go over well.  I might as well have suggested he chop off his left arm.  It's sad.  Our society really gets me down sometimes.

 

[Rainiegirl]

Totally know what you mean about society. Society and I nave been great enemies for many years now. I dont realy find many people who are even willing to look at the big picture, let alone anyone who can understand it.

 

[Rainiegirl]

I dont know what to do. I found some things that make me believe he is still looking at porn. Im sitting here having a panic attack. I cant keep doing this. It feels self destructive. I feel trapped. I feel stupid.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I dont know what to do. I found some things that make me believe he is still looking at porn. Im sitting here having a panic attack. I cant keep doing this. It feels self destructive. I feel trapped. I feel stupid.

Whoa-boy - I've been there. Take some deep breaths. What do you really know here? Are you filling in the blanks or is this real? Also, understand that this addiction didn't develop overnight and won't disappear in a wink.

Calm yourself before you act.

 

[Rainiegirl]

He's smart enough to erase any history but I looked at his youtube account and he's been watching sexualy based videos of women. If he's watching that at 3am then hes probaly watching more. He took K9 off his phone so he could be watching anything.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

He's smart enough to erase any history but I looked at his youtube account and he's been watching sexualy based videos of women. If he's watching that at 3am then hes probaly watching more. He took K9 off his phone so he could be watching anything.

You can lead a horse to water, but he's got to really want to change to get off the PMO. This stuff is very addictive.

Okay, if he's using - does it really change how amazing you are as a person?
I understand the feeling like a fool. I felt the same way when I found his stash after several months of success.

It can really throw a person into a crisis. Don't lose your gains, just because he's had a setback.

 

[Jverhoye]

Can you remind us what his support system is for his sobriety?  From personal experience, having support outside of my wife was vital.  Personally, I don't think it's fair to put all the support requirements on a spouse.

 

[Rainiegirl]

he wont look for support. He told me he could do it on his own. I tried to get him to look for help.

 

[Bibbity]

He's smart enough to erase any history but I looked at his youtube account and he's been watching sexualy based videos of women. If he's watching that at 3am then hes probaly watching more. He took K9 off his phone so he could be watching anything.

Never ever distrust your intuition.  It was telling you something was up and it was right.  I have learned to trust myself over my partner every time.  I am hoping to gain the trust back but for right now my intuition is all I've got.

What is your gut telling you about this situation?  Is it a slip?  Is he dedicated to recovering or is he telling you what you want/need to hear?  For me I gave my husband an ultimatum and started looking into divorce attorneys.  I was dead serious.  He begged and pleaded and I gave him 6 months to shape up.  Luckily for us he did because I would be long gone now.  There's only so much of this crap I can take and as it is my self esteem has been hit HARD.  I am still trying to pick up the pieces over a year later.

If it's a setback then he needs to come clean to you about everything and he needs to start doing WORK.  Looking at objectifying images of women (even fully clothed) while it upsets you is not him working on his problem.  It's him remaining in the porn headspace and not taking this seriously.  He is not getting any help and not setting up a support system either.  Just my opinion but I wouldn't be dancing lightly around this issue.

 

[Rainiegirl]

I confronted him when he got home from work. He had a stash on his phone. I told him he had a year to clean up and fix our relationship or the kids and I would be gone. He has to get help and show me that he's dedicated to fixing this. I feel this is fare. My entire life has been lived under abuse. I can't spend the rest of it that way.

 

[Jverhoye]

For what it's worth, I didn't get serious about my recovery until my wife asked me to leave and I lived with a friend for 2 months.  I'm not saying that will be what it takes.  Every situation is unique.  I just know for some of us our brains' craving for PMO is so intense that it overrides our desire to put our relationships and recovery first, and until we get outside help, whatever that looks like, we will lose the battle...and perhaps our relationships.

 

[Wanttobebetter]

My wife an I were essentially no sex for 5 years or so. We were both okay with it and neither wished to give up our relationship. It was not discussed, it just existed. Then I finally realized why I had no libido, ED, and was a terrible excuse for a husband. I realized the damage porn had done to me and my marriage.
I have thrown myself into recovery and rebooting. Though I have chosen not to reveal the root cause of my inadeqacies to my wife, we have talked for hours about restoring intimacy to our marriage and recovering from all our lost time together.
The reason I give all that background is this. I was overjoyed to discover that the moment I accepted the cause of my condition and became committed to recovery, I instantly realized how fantastic my wife is, how beautiful she is, and how I could not last a moment without her companionship.
During the past decade especially I take full responsibility for my actions, but I think it is only fair to say I had no clue where my use of porn had taken me.
If a man first recognizes his plight and commits to recovery for himself and his marriage, the love and the caring will return.
I hope you and your man are as lucky as me. I have not accomplished a reboot yet, but upon the simple realization of how lonely I'd become and with a commitment to fixing myself, I fell back in love with my wife and realized how beautiful she truly is as a human being.
Best wishes for you.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

My wife an I were essentially no sex for 5 years or so. We were both okay with it and neither wished to give up our relationship. It was not discussed, it just existed. Then I finally realized why I had no libido, ED, and was a terrible excuse for a husband. I realized the damage porn had done to me and my marriage.
I have thrown myself into recovery and rebooting. Though I have chosen not to reveal the root cause of my inadeqacies to my wife, we have talked for hours about restoring intimacy to our marriage and recovering from all our lost time together.
The reason I give all that background is this. I was overjoyed to discover that the moment I accepted the cause of my condition and became committed to recovery, I instantly realized how fantastic my wife is, how beautiful she is, and how I could not last a moment without her companionship.
During the past decade especially I take full responsibility for my actions, but I think it is only fair to say I had no clue where my use of porn had taken me.
If a man first recognizes his plight and commits to recovery for himself and his marriage, the love and the caring will return.
I hope you and your man are as lucky as me. I have not accolished a reboot yet, but upon the simple realization of how lonely I'd become and with a commitment to fixing myself, I fell back in love with my wife and realized how beautiful she truly is as a human being.
Best wishes for you.

Congratulations on your success thus far. Don't underestimate this achievement. It is a big deal.

Like you, my marriage has endured several years of sexless atrophy. We did not have the vocabulary to discuss  the void openly or constructively. We are still unwinding the tendrils of resentment and mistrust that grew like kudzu on our derelict love shack to get back on track. Replacing that "tin-roof, rusted" if you remember the B52's song. It takes real investment to make an abandoned shack home again.

 

[Wanttobebetter]

Thank you SO Reboot Partner. I wasn't sure if I had made any sense. I appreciate your comments.

At least with me and I hope with many, when the porn influence and damage became apparent to me, and I committed to getting better, my mind's eye went back to seeing my wife in a loving way again.  I had been worried that wouldn't happen. It did.

I cannot even in small measure relate to what a wife must endure upon the realization of where her husband has gone and what he has become.  But I hope I might give women pause to think of how deranged and lost their husband is in his porn world and there can be hope on her part that when he recognizes his madness and chooses to heal, he will come right back to her, not as a piece of crap-jerk off artist, but as the man who fell in love with her. He just was lost in the jungle for a while.
One last point if I might. That jungle is not a world of self pleasure, it is a horror show of a world most of the world has been fortunate to never experience. Honest. Porn is a cruel hoax on humanity.

My advice to women, for what little it is worth...if your man is truly cognizant, committed and sincere, consider forgiveness and a second chance. That might be all it takes for things to start being fixed.

Thanks again for listening and commenting. It really helps me a great deal.

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

Thank you SO Reboot Partner. I wasn't sure if I had made any sense. I appreciate your comments.

At least with me and I hope with many, when the porn influence and damage became apparent to me, and I committed to getting better, my mind's eye went back to seeing my wife in a loving way again.  I had been worried that wouldn't happen. It did.

I cannot even in small measure relate to what a wife must endure upon the realization of where her husband has gone and what he has become.  But I hope I might give women pause to think of how deranged and lost their husband is in his porn world and there can be hope on her part that when he recognizes his madness and chooses to heal, he will come right back to her, not as a piece of crap-jerk off artist, but as the man who fell in love with her. He just was lost in the jungle for a while.
One last point if I might. That jungle is not a world of self pleasure, it is a horror show of a world most of the world has been fortunate to never experience. Honest. Porn is a cruel hoax on humanity.

My advice to women, for what little it is worth...if your man is truly cognizant, committed and sincere, consider forgiveness and a second chance. That might be all it takes for things to start being fixed.

Thanks again for listening and commenting. It really helps me a great deal.

I forgave my husband without even being asked. It has taken him several months to understand what that means. He considers himself "lucky" and "fortunate" <== his words not mine, uttered just this morning.

Pain is subjective. It is impossible to truly understand it. Doctors have ordinal scales for pain, it really can't be measured or translated well - yet we sometimes feel the need for others to "understand it". I've been through some tough times. I don't need validation or sorries, I need to get past it and around it and over it as quickly and effectively as possible. The pain was there for a reason. It was a call to action, not a call for help. Just as you take responsibility for your PMO, I need to take responsibility for my ignoring the pain. It was so self destructive and beneath me. PMO is addictive, so is feeling sorry for yourself. The trick is to move forward and grow.

Best regards and hope for a better future - for both of us.

 

[Wanttobebetter]

I struggle with whether I should or should not tell my wife what I've been doing for so many years. I don't know if it is a secret I should keep,  or if it will do more damage than good. What do you think?
If we can heal without it coming up should I leave it that way. Should I leave the topic alone?  Is part of the healing for our relationship that she knows the whole story? Do you think she deserves to know? Will it be therapeutic for her, me, us? My wife is very happy lately with the redevolpment of our  relationship. My feeling is I should not hurt her with this info. The guilt I feel is the cross I must bear for the rest of my life, which I will.
I'd really be interested in any thoughts.  Thank you!!!

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I struggle with whether I should or should not tell my wife what I've been doing for so many years. I don't know if it is a secret I should keep,  or if it will do more damage than good. What do you think?
If we can heal without it coming up should I leave it that way. Should I leave the topic alone?  Is part of the healing for our relationship that she knows the whole story? Do you think she deserves to know? Will it be therapeutic for her, me, us? My wife is very happy lately with the redevolpment of our  relationship. My feeling is I should not hurt her with this info. The guilt I feel is the cross I must bear for the rest of my life, which I will.
I'd really be interested in any thoughts.  Thank you!!!

I can't tell you either way what to do, but here I go throwing my two cents in. It is a kick in the teeth to find out. If you are working things out right now, continue. When the time is right, your heart will know. (that sounded cheesy)

 

[Wanttobebetter]

I truly thank you for your perspective. I hope someday the world will find a way to cure this plague. Love and humanity must demand freedom from porn. Porn does not look back at the victims it leaves behind. I'm so sorry about what happened to your marriage and to mine. I am also so sorry for the other people who have and will be damaged or destroyed as this pandemic infects the world.
Please take care friend and I hope we can talk more in the future.
The thoughts you've shared have really helped me

 

[Wanttobebetter]

I posted this quote elsewhere on Reboot, but it just seemed really appropriate at this moment to put it on again..for SO Reboot Partner and everyone else out there damaged and hurt by porn. Keep fighting the good fight.

By author E.B.White in a letter in 1973. It's like he could see the future...

" As long as there is one upright man, as long as there is one compassionate woman, the contagion may spread and the scene is not desolate. Hope is the thing that is left to us, in a bad time. I shall get up Sunday morning and wind the clock, as a contribution to order and steadfastness.

Sailors have an expression about the weather: they say, the weather is a great bluffer. I guess the same is true of our human society ? things can look dark, then a break shows in the clouds, and all is changed, sometimes rather suddenly. It is quite obvious that the human race has made a queer mess of life on this planet. But as a people we probably harbor seeds of goodness that have lain for a long time waiting to sprout when the conditions are right. Man?s curiosity, his relentlessness, his inventiveness, his ingenuity have led him into deep trouble. We can only hope that these same traits will enable him to claw his way out.

Hang on to your hat. Hang on to your hope. And wind the clock, for tomorrow is another day.

Sincerely,

E. B. White

 

[SO Reboot Partner]

I posted this quote elsewhere on Reboot, but it just seemed really appropriate at this moment to put it on again..for SO Reboot Partner and everyone else out there damaged and hurt by porn. Keep fighting the good fight.

By author E.B.White in a letter in 1973. It's like he could see the future...

" As long as there is one upright man, as long as there is one compassionate woman, the contagion may spread and the scene is not desolate. Hope is the thing that is left to us, in a bad time. I shall get up Sunday morning and wind the clock, as a contribution to order and steadfastness.

Sailors have an expression about the weather: they say, the weather is a great bluffer. I guess the same is true of our human society ? things can look dark, then a break shows in the clouds, and all is changed, sometimes rather suddenly. It is quite obvious that the human race has made a queer mess of life on this planet. But as a people we probably harbor seeds of goodness that have lain for a long time waiting to sprout when the conditions are right. Man?s curiosity, his relentlessness, his inventiveness, his ingenuity have led him into deep trouble. We can only hope that these same traits will enable him to claw his way out.

Hang on to your hat. Hang on to your hope. And wind the clock, for tomorrow is another day.

Sincerely,

E. B. White

First things first - congratulations on your 11 day achievement. It is a big deal, so just accept the congratulations.

Second - what a great quote. I was just thinking about short term problems and long term decisions. PMO messes with our sense of time. The clock is not being wound regularly. Lemme 'plainer.

PMO is a TEMPORARY problem if you want to make it temporary. You (both partners) have to wind that clock and invest in the relationship with bonding.

When I first found out about his PMO issue, I was serious about leaving him. This was a long term decision to address a problem I viewed as long term, the empirical evidence was right there - Seven years of sexless marriage. I didn't leave because he's made the problem a temporary thing. Temporary problems don't need long term solutions.

It wasn't kids or finances or anything else. It was that right there - investment in keeping our relationship growing and a long term enterprise.

Wind that clock, baby!