Back on the wagon

[PE30]

Thanks - that's a good idea. I think I'd need to be fairly subtle about it - i.e. make them quite positive and generic. I don't really want my daughters picking up on it.

To be honest, my best strategy is just to think "what am I going to do with tonight that doesn't involve going onto a chatroom?" Funnily enough, my wife has asked me if I'll make a batch of bolognese for some evening meals. So that'll take up some of the time. And Glastonbury was on over the weekend so I might watch a couple of sets from that.

I just need to be honest with myself and not to be naive enough to think that I can afford to slip back at all.

 

[Vardan]

Hi PE30,
Its great to read that you are back with a firm desire to get rid of the addiction
Ironically I have also started my first reboot in Autumn, and did it 2 months.
After that it was up and down all the time.
I am also Christian.
one thing I am sure about: God does not judge you because of this addiction
He is on your side and will help you through
There is a lot of shame involved, I have the same...it is not easy...
You are dealing with an addiction.

I personally left behind all the thoughts why and how I have started, and all the religious and moral aspect of the question.
what counts: where are you now and where you will be later in your life...
I am also looking for an AP, if you need one we can became partners...let me know
Only thing: I live in Germany and I am not merried.

 

[PE30]

Hey

Yes I'd definitely be up for that. I'll read up on the guidelines and I'll happily partner up with you. It doesn't matter that you're not married and it's handy that you're from Europe as you're on a similar timezone to me!

It is an addiction; I'm just keeping the future in my mind... A future that is porn and chat room free and is full of love and fun and a clear mind!

Oh FAO aquarius25: I survived the evening. Felt a bit tempted when I got into bed which is why I've come on here to post. There's something about admitting your weakness which makes you stronger!

 

[PE30]

Final (non PMO-related note): listening to Radiohead on your own for 90 minutes when you're feeling emotionally vulnerable isn't exactly the best idea!

 

[PE30]

Day 20

Past couple of days have felt a little trickier, but then I'm not really surprised about this as (a) I've been a bit tired over the past few days and (b) I typically have a tough patch about three weeks into a reboot. I've got past this before though.

It really helps to write these thoughts down on here- again, I'm strongest when I admit my weakness. Maybe it's best to accept that this addiction will always be with me, but that I possess the strength (in God) to overcome each and every time.

 

[Vardan]

yes man, in three weeks it got harder also by me...
make sure you relax good after work,
do you have hobbys? something that you enjoy?
I think having good rest is very important, but maybe not easy when you have a family.
still try to find time for you.

I think the best is to live one day at a time, don t worry too much about what comes, it is important who you are now and how you develop yourself...all the other staff you don t need.
enjoy your day!

 

[PE30]

Thanks Vardan. I'll PM you back.

Day 21 - had a second counselling session. It feels a bit like going to a chiropractor for the brain - afterwards I feel a bit unsettled and not quite right, but I think that it's probably doing good. He's quite tough with me.

He was talking about how it might be helpful to think of this addiction as always being there. To hold it, contain it, treat it with a healthy fear. I've come unstuck too many times when I've assumed that I'm safe or thought "yeah, just one day of messing around will be fine". If it's a lifelong fight then so be it.

 

[aquarius25]

My husband remarked on a video he watched recently just before he joined a 12 group. He had watched a video of an PA talking and in the video, he has said he was 20 years clean. He would refer to himself as a recovered addict. The label addict is there for a lifetime but the difference was recovery to recoverd. He is always an addict, where he is with it is what changes. For my husband, he said it really caught him off guard. He was surprised because he had never really considered his addiction a lifetime thing. He assumed that once you are over it, your done. You can just check the box and move on. It wasn't till then that he really started to understand the nature of addiction. Once he really started learning and understanding this his recovery took on a deeper layer of intensity and he started to really show deep improvement if finding the root cause and understanding himself with this addiction. Before he wasn't watching porn but he also wasn't really recovering either. You can stop watching porn and never really change the way you view things.That isn't recovery that is just abstaining from one thing and most likely replacing it with something else.

Sound like you are really working on a life change. Great job!

 

[PE30]

I actually think that the Christian narrative of healing / deliverance isn't necessarily 100% helpful on this. I've not been healed or delivered from a porn / chatroom addiction. Believe me, I've begged for healing and deliverance but it's not there!

HOWEVER - I have been given the tools I need to make the right choices to ensure that this addiction does not destroy me. And I guess that's something.

 

[PE30]

Three weeks in

And i'm working from home today, and (so far) the temptation to go back to my old ways isn't really there too badly! I've made one change: I'm working from my living room rather than my bedroom. Somehow the change of scenery is helping - the curtains are open and people can see into the living room, which keeps me accountable.

I think that I'm starting to build up positive pathways. I'm listening to a lot of music, I'm reading theological blogs, I'm trying to think outside of the world of computers and screens and appreciate the things around me.

I'm also trying to be aware of my own body. That it's okay to feel a bit horny and that the world isn't going to end if I don't do anything about it.

I've got SO FAR to go before I reach my 60 day milestone. But I'm a third of the way in.

 

[Vardan]

Hey PE 30,

Congrats with 3 weeks!!!Cool!!!
Yes, working from home is good only if you stay accountable (so living room is a good idea).
Which music you like the most? if you need some suggestions let me know (but only concerning classics, or old fashioned music )
For me it is also like this: yesterday I really enjoyed my dinner with some friends and I thought about that as well:there is a life outside computers and it s much better.
Do you do sport? I find fitness really a good thing during the reboot.
It also helps to get rid of stress.

 

[Vardan]

I actually think that the Christian narrative of healing / deliverance isn't necessarily 100% helpful on this. I've not been healed or delivered from a porn / chatroom addiction. Believe me, I've begged for healing and deliverance but it's not there!

I also don t connect much my faith directly to the healing from addiction.There are several indirect connections, but praying and getting healed, I also didnot succeed in that .
I remember once I was in a conference where the pastor said: you need to pray and stop watching porn. Before that he said that he never watched porn. I found it a bit ignorant: you don t say to drug addict, pray and get rid of it. And it indeed sounds easy when you never used drugs (porn or whatever) by yourself.

 

[PE30]

I think that pastors are often generalists and don't have a really good understanding of other people's issues. I remember having a long chat with my pastor about mental health issues and explaining to him: you can't just expect someone with depression to snap out of it. That you would treat mental health like physical health and put in a recovery plan - like physiotherapy for the mind.

I PMed you with some stuff about praying, about faith and such like but really, the emphasis isn't as faith as a means of healing, but faith as a good thing and a way of putting your life in perspective. I hope it made sense!

And in terms of music - I listen to a lot of indie, alternative, electronica, folk, that sort of thing. I've been watching a lot of the Glastonbury coverage!

I am not sporty as such but I cycle and walk lots. I love the outdoors.

 

[PE30]

Day 23

I am full of guilt and remorse today for what I've done in my past. I can't believe that I got myself in such a mess. I can't believe that I allowed myself to fall so far. I just feel awful about what I've done, the hurt I've caused, the risks I've taken, all for my own selfish ends. I wish I could experience forgiveness but these waves of regret and fear keep coming in every so often.

Ugh. It's horrible. I guess it's no less than I deserve, though.

 

[PE30]

Sorry, that was a bit of an emotional outburst. I might list some positives instead as actually I'm on day 23 and that's no bad thing:

- I have gone 23 days without: using chat rooms, PMO, MO, sexting
- I have deleted my old KiK, Snapchat and gmail accounts
- I have had great sex with my wife
- any ED disappeared within a few days
- I feel closer to God and feel a greater sense of His presence in my life
- I am starting to spend more time in the real world (I have avoided replacement activities like online games and music forums)
- I am sleeping more peacefully.

So it's not all bad. I still have a long way to go (years and years to go) but I have made progress from day one.

 

[Vardan]

Day 23

I am full of guilt and remorse today for what I've done in my past. I can't believe that I got myself in such a mess. I can't believe that I allowed myself to fall so far. I just feel awful about what I've done, the hurt I've caused, the risks I've taken, all for my own selfish ends. I wish I could experience forgiveness but these waves of regret and fear keep coming in every so often.

Ugh. It's horrible. I guess it's no less than I deserve, though.

I had similar phase as well during the last reboot. Maybe it is also good for us to realize the damage that porn or chat rooms are causing. Dont  get discouraged, it is a good sign that you are on the right road. Recognize it and move on. Live one day at a time.

 

[Vardan]

Sorry, that was a bit of an emotional outburst. I might list some positives instead as actually I'm on day 23 and that's no bad thing:

- I have gone 23 days without: using chat rooms, PMO, MO, sexting
- I have deleted my old KiK, Snapchat and gmail accounts
- I have had great sex with my wife
- any ED disappeared within a few days
- I feel closer to God and feel a greater sense of His presence in my life
- I am starting to spend more time in the real world (I have avoided replacement activities like online games and music forums)
- I am sleeping more peacefully.

So it's not all bad. I still have a long way to go (years and years to go) but I have made progress from day one.

Good that you came up with this positiv list
You are indeed doing great, but it is really good that you have written about your emotions, thats also part of you and they are there to be accepted, recognized and dealt with. Anyways, I am really glad to read your positiv experiences, keep your focus on them!!!

 

[PE30]

Thank you I guess it's inevitable that I'm going to be recovering from the damage caused for some time. But I guess I can see recovery if I look back day on day.

 

[PE30]

Day 24

Still feeling up and down emotionally but am talking to my wife lots and trying to stay positive. We're heading to a barbecue later which will be nice.

All I can do is submit myself to God and say that he is bigger than this addiction and bigger than the hurt it's caused.

 

[Vardan]

hey PE30,
emotional instability I think is one of the most typical withdrawal symptoms.
Sometimes its good just to ignore them, but not always.
I guess they can be also an indicator what we need or where exactly we feel the emptiness in our life.

Its cool that you share that with your wife. I think also letting yourself being slightly more vulnerable with your partner will make your relationship even better.
Hope you enjoyed barbecue, and keep your focus on whatever good/positiv happens around you and on God.