Back on the wagon

[PE30]

Yes I agree. It's been way to use chat rooms as a means of getting away from reality or providing a temporary kick when things are difficult, but it's not good!

Anyway it's day 25. Church was good this morning and I've got quite a few jobs done on the house this afternoon. I have slight dread about the working week ahead but I'm sure it won't be too bad.

I'm just trying to be thankful for each new day and not take anything for granted.

 

[PE30]

Day 26

Woke up at about 5 this morning with this overwhelming sense of peace. I wonder how long that'll last! Anyway I'm getting on towards halfway to my initial target of 60 days. Here's the plan:

Days 26-39: I'm covering for a colleague at work (as well as doing my own work) so I'll be really busy. No time for sitting around feeling tempted.
Days 40-46: should be fairly normal.
Days 47-49: I'm home alone. I'm going to need a good containment plan, a heck of a lot of prayer and battle through them
Days 50-53: I'm away from my family still, but I'll be staying with a friend (as we're having a load of work done on the house). So it shouldn't be too bad. I'll have a lot on in the evenings, just need to relax myself before bed without the usual stimuli.
Days 54-60: on holiday with my family! If I've made it to day 54, I should be fine

Anyway, one day at a time.

 

[Vardan]

oh wow, that looks really good planned...
I have no idea what I will do next week....haha ;D
I guess with family you have to plan more carefully your time

So, days 47-49 home alone, looks chellenging, but we will go through it
otherwise looks very good,
Stay on the right mood and enjoy the good that day brings.

blessings!

 

[PE30]

Yeah, it's more for my benefit! I know that I want to get to 60 days, and I know that this seems a long way away at the moment. But if I break it down into segments it'll be okay. If I can get through July, the last week of the 60 days will be fine

Anyway it's day 27 today. Not feeling too bad this morning. Let's hope I keep it up.

 

[PE30]

Day 28

I'm feeling pretty okay today. Had a really productive night last night - we're having a belated Canada Day celebration as a friend of ours is Canadian, and so I made torti?re and Timbits (or at least an approximation!)

I think that the only way to fight this is through positivity and doing good.

I'm not sure if there are any other Christians who read my posts but I found this article really helpful:

http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/our-odyssey-against-sexual-temptation

We can't beat this through willpower alone. There has to be a better option. We have to seek the option that is better than porn, or chatrooms, or whatever.

 

[Vardan]

We can't beat this through willpower alone. There has to be a better option. We have to seek the option that is better than porn, or chatrooms, or whatever.

Exactly, there should not be one-to-one fight against PMO. It is important to see it in all its complexity.
On the other hand though sometimes it is about willpower, so we don t need to switch it off

I am happy for you man, keep the right attitude, do good, and I am sure you will break it through!

 

[PE30]

Yeah, sometimes I do just need to make the right choice. For instance - and I know this sounds awful but I'm being honest - I was tempted to go look up the Instagram of a woman who I'm helping at the moment as she's quite attractive. But I stopped myself as I felt like it was being voyeuristic and creepy. I need to call these behaviours for what they are and be ruthless with myself. And then find a good opposite!

Anyway it's day 29. Getting there one day at a time!

 

[aquarius25]

My husband used to do the same thing. He would use facebook a lot and look at friends of ours. One thing that helped him put things in perspective was realizing that these are people. He thought about how he would feel if another man had those thoughts about me. He also would think about how they would respond if they knew what he was thinking. For him he would say as a Christ follower we need to keep our minds clean enough that we can be transparent with no shame. If carrying those thoughts creates shame then they aren't the right thoughts. I know that perspective was helpful for him as he would have had shame if those women ever knew what he was thinking. Not sure if it is for you or not but just thought I would share just in case. Good luck!

 

[PE30]

Yes exactly... there are all kinds of reasons that it's wrong. It's that weird disconnect that a SA/PA has between what they *know* is wrong and what they choose to do. I think that objectification of any kind is something I should be nipping in the bud each and every time. I don't feel too bad with myself about a fleeting thought but I cannot afford complacency.

 

[Vardan]

Yeah, sometimes I do just need to make the right choice. For instance - and I know this sounds awful but I'm being honest - I was tempted to go look up the Instagram of a woman who I'm helping at the moment as she's quite attractive. But I stopped myself as I felt like it was being voyeuristic and creepy. I need to call these behaviours for what they are and be ruthless with myself. And then find a good opposite!

Absolutely, here its important to  be honest with yourself, what and why am I doing this. I think its great that you were so awake to realize it and eventually avoid.

 

[PE30]

Day 30!

Halfway to 60. Right, I can totally do this. I need your help though. Vardan, I really appreciate your encouragement and words. Aquarius - I particularly value your honesty and directness. I think it's really good to call things for what they are and not just rationalise things when we're feeling weak.

I'm trying my absolute best to keep this up. When I get to 60, the target goes to 120. When I get to 120, it goes to 240.

 

[aquarius25]

I think you are doing a really great job. It might seem silly that I follow your journal but I find it very inspiring when I read about married men choosing to be more present, honest, and humble toward dealing with this. You are doing something that will change the trajectory of your marriage and family and that is really amazing. As a partner, I find it hopeful and encouraging to know that my husband isn't alone in that thinking. As a mother its also nice to know that there are marriages out there that are dealing with this and not going to allow porn to have an effect on their parenting anymore. Give me hope that my daughter might be able to find a since man some day.

Keep up the good work. One day at a time. Remember the long term view when you have short term struggles. Keep a reminder or memento on you. Whether it just be a stone in your pocket, or a picture in your wallet. Something you can pull out when you are feeling tempted and it can remind you of the reason you are choosing to not follow that rabbit hole.

 

[PE30]

Thank you for your encouragement... It's really appreciated. I'm wondering what a good memento would be. (You'd think that a wedding ring would do the trick but it's easy to get blind to these things!)

I think that those three things are really important:

Being present: not just for my wife and girls but for those around me. I've actually found that I've been much better with other people, clients etc since rebooting. All that energy that was going into random women is now going in to real people. But not in a creepy way: more that I'm able to be more helpful, more humorous, more alert.

Being honest: it's important to think that I may never actually beat this (in the sense that it might be a lifelong battle with temptation). I can beat it today though. And then tomorrow. And then a day at a time. I've fallen foul of thinking that I'd be permanently clean... But sadly I've forged a pattern of behaviour which means I'll always be susceptible to sexual temptation. The daily choice is to resist that temptation and to trust that there's always a way out.

Being humble: I'm sat here on a sofa in the family home when frankly my wife would have been within her rights to have ditched me. It's her grace and forgiveness that has put me here. Likewise, it's by God's grace that my times on chatrooms didn't end in me doing something illegal. It would have been so easy for a 15 year old to pose as an 18 year old. And then I would have a life ruined.

So anyway it's day 31. Praise God.

 

[Vardan]

hey, I think I will take your three points as a motto for my rebooting
Really cool
Being present, honest and humble!!!
I also noticed I enjoy my life so much more when I am present at the moment, in what I am doing.
It is an extra effort, since so long we have spent in other reality.

Enjoy your evening,

 

[PE30]

So this is day... 33.

Weekend was good - lots of fun with the family, some time with friends etc. Am back to work now and it's a busy week ahead of me.

I was considering the issue of loneliness last night, as I do feel alone quite a lot of the time. Which is weird when I have such a lovely wife and some decent friends. I guess I've always found it quite difficult to make close male friends - and it's not necessarily that appropriate to have close female friends. Maybe I'll join a club or group or something. Who knows! I think all of these things are connected though.

I had vague urges to relapse over the weekend / this morning but I figure that confessing them will rid them of their power. Onwards we go!

 

[aquarius25]

So mementos are funny things. I was talking with my husband about it over the weekend. He said he prefers something that can fit in his pocket but is large enough that he feels it so it is a reminder. Like a large cell phone in your front pocket because its bulky and you can feel it. I prefer things that require action. I have a friend who wears a rubber band on her wrist and when she is trying to break a habit if she does it she snaps is once as a reminder. I have used three small stones and if I catch myself doing whatever habit I am trying to break I have to take a stone out of my pocket and move it to the other side. Having an action attached, for my at least, feel like I have to take accountability. I have to do something for ownership.  A few years back I was working on being more positive with my words. So when all three stones were moved to the other pocket (every time after a negative word was spoken) then I would have to say three positives for every negative.  This could look like every time you catch yourself oogling you move a rock to the other pocket and you think of something you love about your wife. It doesn't seem like a big change but you are slowly retraining your thought process and creating new habits in a small way that doesn't distract from your daily life. That is just my suggestion. Find what works for you.

I think building a good close friendship with other men, ones you can confide in, is a really great idea. Even Christ has close friends. It is necessary for our personal and emotional health. Our culture doesn't make it easy for guys to develop those friendships. Maybe join a bible study men's group or something?

Hoping that everything continues towards healing for you and your family!

 

[malando]

I actually think that the Christian narrative of healing / deliverance isn't necessarily 100% helpful on this. I've not been healed or delivered from a porn / chatroom addiction. Believe me, I've begged for healing and deliverance but it's not there!

I'm glad you wrote this comment. Belief in God might make you feel stronger, but make no mistake, this problem is within your own brain, it is a brain adaptation and no higher power can rewire that for you. You simply have to do the work to make your brain rewire and function in a different way. I think this is a pervasive problem I've seen among faith driven addicts - they put too many of their eggs in the basket of their god. At the heart of any change in behaviour and attitude is a personal decision and commitment to change - and then following through with that with real actions and changes. Nobody can be delivered from an addiction, they must work out how to change. Use God to inspire you and draw your strength, but only you can do this.

 

[Vardan]

So this is day... 33.

Weekend was good - lots of fun with the family, some time with friends etc. Am back to work now and it's a busy week ahead of me.

I was considering the issue of loneliness last night, as I do feel alone quite a lot of the time. Which is weird when I have such a lovely wife and some decent friends. I guess I've always found it quite difficult to make close male friends - and it's not necessarily that appropriate to have close female friends. Maybe I'll join a club or group or something. Who knows! I think all of these things are connected though.

I had vague urges to relapse over the weekend / this morning but I figure that confessing them will rid them of their power. Onwards we go!

First of all: Congrats with the 33 days.
My favorite autor Henry Nouwen speaks about loneliness and solitude, as two forms of being or feeling lonely, but they are significantly different. He mentions that we need to look for solitude (which is queit, does not scream/scare, full of peace,etc.) and be aware of loneliness (Which one can feel also among the crowd). There is a "healthy" loneliness, (solitude) where one can be with himself and God in peace, and does not want to run away. I think more we grow in this solitude, less we will feel lonely.
Of course friends, family, Bible studies, colleagues, etc., are important. We need them and they need us as well. But we don t need to use them to fill our own loneliness, because than we will become dependend from them and will look for something that only God can provide.
I ask myself quite often if the PMO was my way to fill in this gap, to run away from the inner loneliness, inner noise that screams on me. I think it is true for most of the addictions. We need to learn to be alone, to look for solitude, than I think we won t be scared from loneliness.

Anyways, happy that you had a good weekend, and could keep your mind focused on the healthy staff.
Enjoy your evening,

 

[PE30]

Ah, thank you all three for your insightful comments. I know I'm only 33 days in (my record for reboot is around 150-odd) but I feel like I'm building better foundations this time.

There is a difference between loneliness and solitude. I'm terrible for filling my life with stimuli and not allowing myself time to just be still! It's something I need to learn.

I quite like the idea of a stone in my pocket. It would dig in under my wallet just sufficiently to act as a reminder!

And yes, I'm by no means undermining the importance of God in my recovery, but it's important not to think that God is just going to take away all my lusts with zero effort on my part. 1 Cor 10v13 is very helpful: we're not promised a life free of temptation but we are promised an escape route each and every time. We just have to choose that escape route.

One final thought: I'm trying to be mindful of how clean I feel when I'm not on porn or on chat rooms. There's nothing to hide; my phone is in clear view of my wife; my Chrome browser isn't on Incognito mode... I know that if my wife wants sex I'm not going to have to worry about performance. I am better able to parent, to work, to take part in church and so on. There are so many positives to a sexually clean life. I guess we're just used to tricking ourselves.

 

[HumbleRich]

PE30, some questions for guidance.  1. Why are you married?  2.  How do you feel about your wife, emotiomally, sexually, spiritually?  3.  What dies Jesus think?

Jesus doesn't play by the rules of the world, we are required to play by his rules if we want to be saved.  You decided to marry and Gid says that your marruage is a reflection of your marriage to him.  To serve dutifully and selflessly. 

You are drawn to the ways of the world like every person is.  The world is cunning and cruel, but its cruelness looks like excitement.

Remember the vows that you made to your wife.  And stay strong with the Lord. 

Good luck,

HumbkeRich