Back on the wagon

[FlyPhoenix]

Hey man,
I read great strength coming from you, very positive indeed. I can related to the insanity of thinking, but as you've done here, become aware of them and what might happen and trust that you will come out victorious in Christ, Amen.
Take care man, my prayers are with you..

 

[PE30]

Day 48

For the sake of full disclosure: I had a really horny dream last night and must have been masturbating in my sleep, because I ended up ejaculating. I was just about conscious when I woke up so I was aware of myself ejaculating, but I didn't really have a proper orgasm as such, it was more of a physical release.

I felt really guilty / awful afterwards, as if the devil had played a trick on me. But I'm keeping my counter at day 48 because I was barely aware of what I was doing.

I managed a night away from my wife without porn or chatrooms or conscious masturbation. Six to go.

 

[Vardan]

hey man, don t worry much about it
and don t put your entire attention on it-it happens, you are P free and the rest is just the reactions of your body and motoric brain.
be present during the day, do your daily staff, don t forget to take some time to enjoy the day and whatever good is there.
much blessings,

 

[PE30]

Day 49

Not a great night sleep - was over-thinking a whole load of stuff. However, I didn't M or MO, didn't watch P or subs, and so I survived.

This is a tough week so far. I needed to prepare. I'm glad I did. But I'm surviving, one day at a time. If I can get to next Monday, porn and chat room free, I'll be very happy.

 

[Vardan]

hey man,
good thing is: you are aware, you are prepared!!!
So it does not take you by surprise.

At the end of the day it s only one week, and you are doing so far really good.
Just keep the right focus, go through the day with joy, because it is Gods grace brought you so far
Be thankful and ask for a help when you need, I am sure God is close to you-He is there for you!!
I think and pray that you go through this with great courage and joy
much blessings,

 

[Totem]

Keep on man!

About overthinking there's couple of techniques that you can try:
- meditation
- intense excercise

Also try not to go to bed unless you are exhausted mentally (from day activites) or really sleepy.

 

[PE30]

Hi all

DAY 54. I made it. No porn, no chat rooms.

It was tough though. I had someone flirting quite heavily with me and in spite of everything I was tempted to get involved with her. I didn't- but I was naive- before this week I'd been texting her platonically.

I think there's still a huge part of me that hasn't properly healed ... Why do I still crave? Why do I still want something that's not mine to have? It's ridiculous.

Nevertheless, I survived. And I have to be grateful for that. I would say I scraped a pass rather than getting a distinction, but still. Crucially, I was not tempted by porn or chat rooms. So the root issues still need fleshing out but the chat rooms are, at least for now, defeated.

In other news, I got hit by a van whilst cycling, and fell off my bike. I have fractured my thumb and elbow! My right arm is in a cast ... This does act as a certain physical deterrent!

Anyway thanks for your support. I would not have got this far without you.

 

[aquarius25]

Wow! I am so sorry to hear about your accident. I am glad you are ok and keeping an upbeat attitude! Keep up the good work!

 

[PE30]

DAY 63

I've set my goals counter to 120 but I made it to my first landmark!

Every day is a daily battle though: not to objectify, not to slip, to own my addiction and subject it to my will. I thought I would feel a real sense of achievement about reaching day 60, but I realise that I will never fully be fixed. I just have to learn to live with my addiction, not to let it ruin me, not to wallow in self pity but to rejoice in the good I have in my life.

My arm is still sore but I am trying to reduce my use of painkillers! (This is the UK - I'm using ibuprofen not Xanax so it's less about dependency and more about avoiding damage to my stomach). Am back in work now and typing slowly.

Apologies for not having been on here much - I was on holiday for nearly a fortnight and didn't have internet access. Hope you've all been okay. Keep fighting.

 

[PE30]

Day 64

It's nine weeks since Day 1 - it's been a tough battle. My counselling session was useful yesterday: we talked a lot about self-compassion (which is the opposite of what I practice!). I had a lovely evening with my wife - I've been able to talk quite openly with her. It was my birthday on Tuesday, so I bought myself a new rucksack with some birthday money.

It's been useful to trace things back: I used porn and chat rooms because I felt the need to feel attractive, validated, valued and even loved. This need stemmed from a childhood where I was validated almost exclusively for my academic achievements rather than for being me. And actually, I'm never going to win this battle if I don't learn how to be good to myself, to be kind to myself, and to do these things in healthy ways.

Guys, I'd really encourage you to dig deep with your battle. Ask yourself why you're in this situation; own your addiction and subject it to your control. And be kind to yourselves.

 

[PE30]

Day 65

Feeling a bit low this morning. I seem to be oscillating wildly at the moment from believing nice things about myself to realising that I have behaved in a horrible way towards women for the majority of my adult life. I know that I need to be kind to myself but I can't help but feel incredible anger towards myself for the way I've behaved and the impact it's had on my adult life.

Which makes the daily victory over porn and chatrooms feel a little hollow.

 

[HumbleRich]

It isn't hollow.  Not at all.  Focus on who you are now.  I, just like you, have a bad history with women.  Those I dated.  Even classmates in college.  I definitely do not like tbe person I was.  Just keep moving forward wnd focus on who you are becoming.  Keep up the good work.

HumbleRich

 

[PE30]

Thanks man. I feel a bit better now - I've got a lot on at the moment and it's easy to lose perspective.

I guess I have to look at it like this:

- Between the ages of 19 and 35 (but particularly in those last four or five years) I was in the grips of a porn and chatroom addiction;
- Between the ages of 35 and 37 I was still addicted but was able to stay clean for weeks, even months at a time.
- I'm 38 and my addiction is still with me, but I am clean and fighting.

I guess I want to look back at, say, 40, and think "yep, I'm in control of this". At 45, 50, 55, 60... and so on. And in the meantime I need to know that these bad days don't last. They're just days. Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow; blessings all mine with ten thousand beside.

 

[aquarius25]

I think you are doing incredibly well! This realization about how my husband viewed women hit him pretty hard for a while too. He felt pretty low and I saw that as a good sign. The fact that he could step back and see what was not ok and what was ok shows huge progress. Something he has done since then, I think as a sort of amends, is he donates and helps organizations that help women who experience the negative sides of porn and trafficking. We have a business that makes artistic lights and furniture. He donates some of the pieces to auctions that help these organizations. We also have a friend who owns a tattoo parlour and she does cover-ups for girls who have been branded by their pimps and who have escaped. He donates to her cause to help cover the cost of ink and things. It isn't anything huge but it is a small step. Both of us feel like at least there is one positive that has come out of something so negative.  Don't focus on feeling bad about who you were yesterday. Focus on who you are today and how you will be better tomorrow. Live each day to the fullest, with integrity, living with the knowledge that you are perfectly made. You are unique and perfect. Share that with the world to make this place better!

 

[PE30]

Ugh this site is so glitchy! I wrote about three paragraphs and it just got deleted.

Anyway it's day 68. Felt some feelings of temptation over the weekend but was able to ignore them. I've had some low moments but have been okay overall.

Aquarius - that's a good idea. My friend has worked for International Justice Mission (if you've heard of them) and so I might set up a regular payment to them. I'm also wondering if I'll ever be used to encourage others in the same situation as me. I try to do that to an extent on here but it's trickier in real life.

 

[aquarius25]

I agree in real life it is harder. My husband joined a 12 step group that is PA's and sex addicts as well. We also met with our Pastor and talked about our experience and mentions that we would be interested in meeting and praying with others who are in this place. It is always scary at first but that is when I am reminded that my provision and my security is based in Christ and I wouldn't want my fear to keep God from using me to make in difference. I pray an acknowledgement of my fear and ask for support and courage. As a result of doing this, I am now organizing a group set up anonymously (like a 12 step) but specifically for partners of PA's so we have encouraged, support, and connect with each other. I think you are doing a great job in all aspects of your recovery. Continue to press forward and know you are not alone and that God has a plan and you have the support of the kingdom of Christ, you have nothing to fear. If my husband and I can ever be of any help feel free to reach out!

 

[PE30]

Yeah there are twelve people in real life who know about my problems: my wife and I; the six members of our leadership team at church; my good friend Andy (pastor of my old church) and his wife; and an old mentor of mine and his wife. That's not many. It took guts to open up to one person... but I'd be so honoured to help someone else who is struggling with the same issue.

Anyway in terms of my own addiction: I'm 69 days clean. The temptation is still there but it's under control. Maybe it will recede at some point, but that's not really the point. God is faithful and will provide a way to stand while I am under temptation (1 Cor 10v13). I had a good evening last night - the kitchen is taking shape, which is nice

 

[PE30]

Day 70

Not an awful lot to report. Was feeling pretty low about myself last night - my brain kept flashing back to the mistakes I've made. I just long to get to a place where I truly feel happy within myself! That's the key. Chat rooms have soothed that need in the past, but they are destructive. I've got a few options in my mind as to what to do with all of this free time in the future. I've got a couple of ideas, which I'm going to run past my friends later.

 

[ajcoals]

Hey man,

Great job on 70 days...it's really exciting!

A few things I find to be helpful when urges hit:
- Workout
- Hanging with friends
- Spending time with my kids
- Date with my wife
- Just getting out of the house
- Pick up the phone to call a friend - can be a great distraction.


Pinpoint where you struggle the most...for me it's the weekends...
and then build a battle plan to keep you from being alone.

 

[aquarius25]

Remember that you can give yourself grace. It's ok to be disappointed with past actions. They happened and you can't change that. But don't sit and dwell there, that will just ruin tomorrow too. Instead, decide today that you will be better than yesterday. When you allow God to move, you put this situation into his hands. Submit and say yeah I screwed up and miss the mark, help me get back on track. Well, that is when he can use you to create something great. I look at my husband's addiction and my own process of healing. It's not over, not sure it ever really is "over" but I am slowly starting to see how he is taking this mess and making a testimony of transformation, healing, and grace. He is using our weaknesses to tell a story of how with him they become our strengths. The past is the past, yes your actions have consequences, but who do you want to be tomorrow? Be that person. Live that life. Know that you have the capacity for greatness. You were perfectly handcrafted, you were made with intention, the creator of the universe wanted you here. He has plans for you. Live those plans. Allowing fear and regret prevents us from clearly hearing his truth. You can do this and you have the support of this community and the creator of the universe. You are good. You are worthy of love. It's ok to love yourself and be happy.