Back on the wagon

[PE30]

Thank you for your encouragement as always, aquarius. I really do appreciate it.

Anyway I'm on day 71. This is my longest successful period of abstinence for a couple of years. I managed about 150 days initially after the affair was uncovered - that's my ultimate target. Well - my ultimate target is a life free of porn, permanently, but let's do this a bit at a time.

I'd really love for my story and experiences to be used to help others in the future.

 

[PE30]

Am posting again because I'm feeling particularly tempted right now. I know it'll pass, I know it'll pass.

I'm just thinking out loud here really, but let's think about it: temptation never lasts forever. I'm not going to spend the next 50 years feeling exactly like this.

What happens if I resist this temptation? I won't lose out on anything I don't already have. My wife will still love me, my children will still be adorable, my job will be there still; I'll be as healthy as happy as I am right now.

And if I give in? The counter goes back to zero, and the enemy goes "ha!" - stabs me for having believed his lies. And I then have to look my wife in the eye, knowing that the porn, the chat rooms, that they're back between us.

And what am I even seeking? Someone to be interested in me, someone to find my picture attractive? For goodness' sake, it's actually madness when I analyse it! My wife thinks I'm gorgeous. She goes out of her way to tell me.

I need to learn to practise SELF-compassion, and SELF-validation, rather than looking for validation in the wrong places. Let's do this:

I'm a 6'4 guy with a good head of hair, a decent beard, blue eyes, straight teeth, a decent smile... my body isn't ripped but I'm pretty slim. My wife fancies me after 16 years of having been together (and I fancy her too).
I am smart, literate, kind to others, compassionate, capable of excellent work. I can fight people's corners and persuade people to take action that is in their best interests. I can bring a room of people to laughter with just a one-liner.
Other than my broken wrist, I'm in good health!
I have Jesus in my heart. That is as real as it feels. He lives in me and I would be nothing without him.
I have made some mistakes in the past. I've made a lot of mistakes in the past. But I have acknowledged that I have an addiction, I'm receiving treatment, I've been in recovery for two and a half years and have been clean for 70 days straight.
If I was to clone myself and make the other 'me' my best friend, I'd pull me to one side, give me a big hug and say "man, don't do this".

And in typing that all, the temptation is gone for now. The enemy has been banished away. Cheerio! He'll be back, but I won that one.

I hope that this doesn't seem like the ramblings of an absolute madman. I just thought I'd be honest with you. The struggle is real, even ten weeks in. But it's a battle that can be won, day by day.

 

[ajcoals]

Brother...don't give in!

I loved your gratitude list above.  I believe one major tool in fighting temptation is focusing on all the ways God has blessed you.  It's when we disregard God's goodness that we run to PMO. Don't give in and don't give up!

70 days is quite the milestone.  I'm praying for you right now.

 

[PE30]

Thank you! I really appreciate it. God *has* blessed me. And I have it within myself - I have the tools within myself - in Christ - to beat this!

Please do pray for me. I'd much rather be honest about my struggles than make out like the temptation is no longer there. That's been my downfall before. But yes, I've not gone to the porn, I've not logged on to a chat room, the counter is still at 70 days, praise God. I'll get through til hometime and I'll give my wife a huge hug

 

[aquarius25]

Do you have a hobby of some kind? Maybe it's playing an instrument, reading a book, hiking, biking, or something that you fancy yourself good at? When you are feeling tempted and finding you need some validation do something that you are good at to build yourself up. It could be that you are good at being a dad. You may feel really great playing a game with your kids, teaching them to pray and talk to God, or just holding them and letting them know they are loved. If affirmation is what you need then seek it in a constructive way. It all around you, you just need to seek it. Remember you were perfectly made. You are one of a kind, rare, and perfect. No one else on this planet is you and that is special. Dig into that, start to discover yourself and this creation that is you.

 

[toph]

really enjoyed the post where you "wrote off" that temptation. I should do that sometime. Way to go on 71 days man. I am really looking up to you.

 

[PE30]

Thanks, it was a helpful process!

Aquarius- my hobbies include playing guitar, cycling and cooking... I can just about manage to cook with my arm in plaster but the other two hobbies are on hold!

The core point remains though: I need to stop looking for so much validation, and definitely stop looking in the wrong places.

 

[PE30]

Day 72. I'm really glad that yesterday is over and done with.

I've not sure if I've said this already but I've trying to learn to 'ride out' the physical urges. Just kind-of acknowledge "yes, my libido is still in working order but I'm not going to go exercising it over some website or chat room". It's there, but it's subject to my mind and my spirit. My mind and spirit are not subject to my libido!

Some positives for a Friday:
+ I'm going for breakfast in a bit with some colleagues
+ the sun is shining! (A big deal in the UK)
+ I'm going to cook for my wife tonight - nothing complicated, just homemade burgers and wedges
+ I slept pretty well last night
+ The weekend is shaping up to be a good one

I cannot solve this overnight, but I can make good, daily choices.

 

[aquarius25]

You have a great perspective! Good work. Yes, your libido doesn't have control of you because you are not an animal. You as a human can have self-control! Live life with integrity, joy, and self-control. Pour into the fruits of the spirit!

 

[toph]

good thinking man. really encouraged by your thoughts on the libido.

 

[gazz]

great work riding those tough days!!

 

[PE30]

Day 73. Just posting on here while my wife is out. I'm so grateful to this place as a vessel for venting all my thoughts and feelings... I know you're all a long way away but you are such a huge support to me whether it's through prayer, encouragement or wise words.

Clean will always feel better. Clean will always feel better.

 

[ajcoals]

I love that comment bro...clean will always feel better.  There are a number of proverbs that echo that sentiment.

I know we don't know each other, but your 70+ days is highly encouraging to me. Keep fighting bro!

 

[toph]

Wao man, 73 days, I really admire you. I also like the comment, clean feels better.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Keep fighting, keep striving.. Well done man, keep going.

 

[PE30]

Thanks everyone.

Anyway, first lesson of the day is that I couldn't count the last time I posted! Today is day 75. Bit tired today but otherwise, life is alright. Really can't wait to be done with this plaster cast - hoping that things will heal up properly.

I've been looking into signing up to a SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) meeting. Like a typical addict, I'm nervous about doing so. Looking at the website, I wouldn't be able to start attending until later in the year anyway.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Thanks everyone.

Anyway, first lesson of the day is that I couldn't count the last time I posted! Today is day 75. Bit tired today but otherwise, life is alright. Really can't wait to be done with this plaster cast - hoping that things will heal up properly.

I've been looking into signing up to a SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) meeting. Like a typical addict, I'm nervous about doing so. Looking at the website, I wouldn't be able to start attending until later in the year anyway.

About to head out to on of my weekly meetings now. Believe me, it is a very welcoming environment. The way the guys see it is that, it is better for you to be in a meeting where there is no judgment, rather than out there by yourself. It's like finding a lifebuoy and realising that I've been trying to kick hard against unforgiving waves. Good luck!

 

[PE30]

Can I ask - what is the make-up of the people there in terms of the nature of their addictions? Is there anyone in your group who is coming at it from a similar angle?

I was talking about sex addiction with my counsellor the other day and he said how broad a spectrum it was.  Anyway, I guess, the core issues are the same for a lot of us. I'd be intrigued to hear more about what yours is like

 

[aquarius25]

I will say my husband goes to a group. He is over a year clean with no relapse. During the first few months, he was on his own and his progress was mostly focused on not looking at porn. He didn't really consider himself a complete addict. That was about the first 4 months. Months 5-10 he started to think about root causes. Still on his own but that was when I started to see actual changes in him. Not just in the "no PMO" but more in his mood. He seemed like he was handling emotions, where before he would just leave if anything was emotional. He started being more present with our kids. He would get overwhelmed but he was still there. He didn't run and hide. When we moved it was it was around month 10 and in the new town they had a group. He started going and it was a huge change. He said he was scared at first and really nervous. But when he got home (he didn't give me specifics of names or anything, obviously, lol) but he said a lot of guys were porn addicts. Some were alcoholics and porn addicts and sex addicts. It was a mix of a lot of men who just wanted to live better. He said it was so cool. Nobody was putting on a front, they were all very authentic. There was no, "I'm not as bad as you" or anything. Men, just trying to encourage each other. I can honestly say that now, he as a place to process safely. That has made a huge improvement in his life and his recovery. He is happier, he occasionally uses this forum still just not as frequent. There is something amazing about being with them in person. He is also inspired not just to receive support but knowing his is giving support too. Helping others. The bond created there are truly remarkable. As a wife, I have been so inspired by who he is as a result of this that I am creating a partners group in our town in hopes of having a safe space for partners that is similar to the men's group. It has been foundational for our family and for his success.

 

[PE30]

Day 76

The most difficult thing about this reboot has been that I've tried my best to keep the "replacement behaviours" to a minimum. To give you a couple of examples:

- during one reboot (ages ago) I signed up to a music website and ended up posting on there really regularly;
- during another, I downloaded a Scrabble app to my phone and ended up playing several games of Scrabble a day to keep temptation away.

in both cases, I was using the activity to distract myself from temptation, rather than digging out and putting to death the root cause.

Today I'm working from home - I've got a meeting at 10am about my daughter's diagnosis for ASD. In my pre-reboot days I'd probably be sitting here getting myself off some way or another. I don't want to go back to those days again. And every day I stay clean is another step in the right direction.

Re: SAA/SLAA - I did look into it. One is on a Monday night and the other on a Wednesday. I am currently busy on both evenings but I could join the Monday meeting from October/November. The Bible teaches: "humble yourselves" - this is one of the hardest things I have to learn. I'm a recovering sex addict, and that in itself is humbling. I think I'm gradually coming to terms with that.