My future is awesome!

[TakeActionNow]

Thanks strike!

Looking through my record, I'm kinda sad i slipped those few times. It would have been about 70 days had i stayed clean.

However its very clear to me now why i slipped.
Pmo is my go to whenever i dont feel good about myself, like I'm seeking an accomplishment hit.
Guess thats the dopamine talking.

Another interesting awareness is that i feel a whole lot more grounded now. No more head in the clouds thinking. I'm even feeling i have already let go of this girl who lived in my head these last 4.5 months.

Guess there's a bit more self respect and restraint now.

 

[TakeActionNow]

I discovered that when i am down/bored/accomplishment craving/lonely these are the strongest triggers for me to seek relief

So I took a 4km walk again today, under a weak midday sun.

This is what I felt:
- feeling great !
- walking tall with back strong and straight
- feeling positive, motivated and confident again

Craving is gone. I'm happy again.

 

[Strike a true path]

Well done TAN that's good to hear! You are making positive choices I see, and feeling good.
I also regret my slips/relapses but like you, I'm still on track in spite of (and partly BECAUSE) of them.
We are learning and moving forward.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Thanks strike!

It just occured to me there are 4 distinct watchouts:
1. Emotional
2. Time of day
3. Character traits
4. I love myself

1. Emotional we all know. HALT, sadness boredom achievement craving are likely triggers

2. Time of day also have an impact. Probably closely linked to habit. I am weakest in the mid afternoon if i have nothing to do.
Some folks are weakest in early or late evening. Know your timings and guard against them.

3. Understanding your Character traits help too. Perhaps pmo has a needy, attention seeking or domineering streak? Understanding craving natures help address inadequacy in character.
I will train myself to be more independent and opinionated, to stick w my principles and purpose.

4. Love yourself.
You do realize to cum is to feel love right?
But cumming to P is false love, hence pmo is equally false love.
The time of greatest weakness is also the the time love is most needed. When craving hits next time, practice real self love.
Say I love myself I love myself I love myself over and over. Feel the love for yourself grow strong from within.
Pmo is an external affair. True love is internal.

 

[lyon03]

Great post. I often think, "Am I H-ungry A-ngry L-onely T-ired?" or "HALT" when I'm starting to feel that addiction itch. Thanks for the reminder brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[TakeActionNow]

I'm reading "no more mr nice guy" and the advice is clear.

We have low self esteem because of our shame.
Our shame comes from keeping our pmo habit secret.
It is a secret because we are not honest with ourselves and our loved ones.
We are dishonest because we did not respect and address our needs properly.

Its a vicious cycle.
We can never be sincere if we have many things to hide, or we cannot accept fully who we are.
Shame will lead us to remain needy and weak, deferring to others instead of being responsible and address our concerns properly.

We need to learn to put our needs first, in proper honest ways, and stop lying to ourselves through improper habits.

There is no shame to desire love, affection and sex.
To find it from our partners is proper.
To find it from a computer isnt.

I dont want to live a lie.
Only truth and self respect will set us free

https://amp.reddit.com/r/GetMotivated/comments/2mwfgz/text_no_more_mr_nice_guy_detailed_notes_on_how_to/

 

[TakeActionNow]

Friends,

of all the posts I've made over here, I feel this is the most important :

Please read
1. The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson
2. No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover

These books are not about making us into our alter egos. It is not about PUA or having better sex.

It is about knowing, understanding and accepting us 100% of who we are.

We are here trying to recover because we have imbalance in our lives, harboring a deep sense of shame and inadequacies.
The porn and masterbations are just tips of the icebergs.

What truly needs recovering is our inner person, needs and wants.

We must shed our shame, gain our self respect, do things we are proud of, and respect our needs properly.

These books can help us recognize and reach there.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing TAN. "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck" is certainly a catchy title! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Going deeper on the book topic earlier is the question of self worth.

Do we understand and value our self worth ?

Do we think and know what we are doing is improving or decreasing our self worth ?

I add to the list why i no longer want to be involved with PMO because it clearly reduces my self worth by piling on heaps of shame, low self esteem and confidence.

It's only 2 weeks since 7/9 and my confidence is already sky high and rock solid.

Self worth comes from dignity, integrity and self respect.
Knowing that i deserve the best.
knowing i should aim and try for the best, and not settle for left overs, scraps, freebies, whatever others dont want.

I need to know what i need and want, and go get them, regardless of whatever other people say or think.

I value myself and my limited time on earth, so I wont be wasting on meaningless demeaning degrading porn, and instead spend on self cultivation and self growing and self worth.

 

[TakeActionNow]

25/9 #1
INSIGHT

I find my attachment to porn is very similar to my attachment to people.

1. The longer i stay away from pmo the less i am attached or need it.
Similarly, the longer i stay away in contact from the person i crave to be with, the less i am drawn to needing them

2. Often i feel i am a person who depend on external advice and direction for me to make personal decision
i dont have the habit of thinking things through, questioning, making plans and following the plans through
i take the easy way of getting direction for the moment, to solve the immediate problem ( even if its only a band aid ) and not deal with the bigger picture. consequently i and my situations are both not well developed.

I may have fear of responsibility or ownership
this may come from lack of self trust
I have been avoiding many things in the past. Avoidance never solves things. They come back and bite deeper.
In many ways, PMO is a habit/practice in avoidance.

I think external dependence/ avoidance is reflective in pmo use.
I know need intimate female companionship. but instead of
- finding someone
- making sure i enjoy their company
- understanding and making the effort to woo and please them
- making the long term plans and effort to be with them
- enjoying the fruits of the labour,

i instead only focus on my needs, and get the quick pmo fix.

i therefore
- did not address my emotional health
- did not train myself for better relationship health and management
- did not invest in the long term planning and health of my relationships.

These are the reasons why i must stop pmo, and practice better life habits:
1. regain a more holistic view of relatonships
2. develop an inner ability to think, plan, execute and see through long term intentions
3. understand and reflect what is really important to me
4. understand the deeper meaning of self, self worth, self value and self love.


===
I realized i have a bunch of disc and a drive i had forgotten about
the bunch of disc i quickly disposed of.
the drive i accidently opened to find a folder with pictures i am very attached to.
i did not look into the folder, but i was at pains to delete it because of my attachment.
it took a while to craft my next post, which helped me overcome my resistance to delete the folder
i then deleted the folder.

initially the demon shouting attachment was very strong and warns of deep pain of loss
but my feeling now is one of relief.
like letting go of some one who has died.
and i completely did not feel any sense of loss i was earlier led to believe.
that is because there was no real relationship to begin with.

Do not trust our craving minds.
test to know the real truth.
no loss is worst than the loss of self worth, self respect and self love

 

[TakeActionNow]

25/9 #2
INSIGHT

I want to further the notion of self love, self worth and self respect.

Nothing is more inspiring and uplifting than the friendship of a beautiful self loving, self respecting and hard working person.


characters in PMO do not uplift. do not educate. do not inspire.

yes, the actors are beautiful.
but what does staring at genitals and seeing sex acts do to you ?
does it improve the quality of your person ?
No. It reduces us, makes us thoughtless, self centered, unforgiving.
And long term use of these material, similar to drugs and vice, makes us dull and stupid people.


Self love is loving oneself with little or no contribution from others.
Self love helps us to raise above ourselves and give more freely to others.
Self love teaches us to seek for better, more challenges and to constantly improve ourselves.
Life becomes more abundant, less restrictive, more enriching, more fulfilling.
this is true joy, not the falseness of craving, attachment and neediness that is PMO

 

[TakeActionNow]

25/9 #3
CLARIFICATION OF ATTACHMENT

Q1 would you feel sad when you walk out of someone you know but not/ no longer love?
No

Q2 would you feel sad when you walk out of someone you dont really know?
No

Q3 would you feel sad when someone you dont really know walks out of your life?
No

Q4 would you feel sad when someone you know and love walks out of your life?
Yes. But even so it only lasts a few months at most.

Porn and the people of Porn exists only in 2 and 3.
There has never been any real relationship
and what feelings you have were not love, just lust and infatuation. completely one sided.

Real relationship is knowing someone well, their hopes and dreams, their aspirations, their suffering.
It is also experiencing things together. Like trips, events and activity.
And even real people from 4 in our real lives will eventually pass into memory.

There is nothing permanent about PMO attachment.
We can let go. and letting go is the best.

 

[TakeActionNow]

INTERESTS

We've talked alot about this but I'm surprised i didnt do anything about it earlier.
perhaps it was the negativity and depression earlier that was keeping me

Anyway had an enlightened moment yesterday night
started with wanting to make myself a more interesting person
then i researched how to do that
and the key was finding new experiences through new things and engaging with these new experiences

I realized my avoidance behavior was keeping me from experiences.
lack of money so
not trying new things
getting more bored
finding life less interesting and meaningful.

Its a vicious circle.
Earlier i took to cheap escapes in gaming and pmo
now that i stopped both i need a filler urgently.

i'm now looking to
- find new recipes
- try new food
- meet new people
- listen to new music etc

These are important activities to fill ourselves now that
- we have more time on our hands
- have less dopamine activation
when we are on recovery.

Its been good !

I thought PMO was a social issue
i didnt realize it would also be a personality and interest blocker too

 

[TakeActionNow]

The more i think about it the more it makes sense

I alway equate 'success' with the O at PMO
as a result across my life i diminish the recognition of actual real life achievements.
consequently i have a poor perception of how well i really do.

and because of the shame and unrealistic nature from PMO
and the lost opportunity to address my emotions properly
i discredit my success and magnify my poor performances disproportionately .
no wonder i have poor self esteem !!!

( PMO distracted me from addressing my upsets directly
hence my upsets never really go away.
they persist. and i remain troubled by them
only direct address will have direct resolution )


fuck ! I've been discrediting myself unnecessarily my whole life !

i should be strong like the strong characters i've met
they took responsibility of their lives and their emotions
and acknowledge themselves accordingly

Background:
i missed a deal today and felt really really bad
immediately i took to self doubt and deprecating
this is old practice
i think why i do this. and its because i never learnt how to manage and understand my emotions properly
i was wanting to PMO badly, but today i'm strong enough not to.
and in looking into my emotions i understood a little better how i was behaving and reliant on PMO for self endorsement
consequently i relied on others for endorsement instead of practicing self endorsement.

now that i no longer pmo, i find the chance to acknowledge my self properly.
and like my reply to coffee on trust, to trust myself more too.

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=13799.msg143660#msg143660

1. no more negative self doubt
2. learn to be responsible for myself and my emotions
3. have greater self confidence and belief in my self and my abilities

I am great
I am great
I am great !!!

 

[Strike a true path]

Hi TAN,
Yeah doing new things is interesting and keeps our lives fresh I've found, and its something I have always done when I am getting over a heartbreak.

I reckon your idea of filling the hole left by porn with new healthy things is great (also building in more of the good things we do in our lives already)

I find rejection is something that exacerbates my ideas/feelings of low self worth. I ask myself "Whats wrong with me?", or I have ideas like: "there must be something wrong with me /I'm not good enough/not wealthy enough/I'm boring" I do this almost automatically and just feel crap. I suspect that this way of thinking and feeling is there all the time in the background, and life events bring it to the fore.

We who have deep seated feelings of low self worth/confidence need to work on loving and accepting ourselves in an unconditional way (ie, no matter what our looks are, how much money we have, how much we achieve and so on) We need to build and strengthen this foundation in our lives in the here and now -it is something that in a healthy world our healthy parents would have done with us all those years ago -they would have expressed love for themselves and for us, and so we would have learned to love and be loved, ourselves and others!

In some ways, I reckon we need to be good parents to ourselves, to love and support and encourage ourselves -especially in difficult times.

Looks like you see the need for that TAN and you are doing your best to bring it into your life.

Well done for resisting those cravings!

 

[TakeActionNow]

Thank you Strike.
your words always resonate deeply with my thoughts, and i really appreciate your comments.

The irony of rejection is that it happens as often as acceptance, yet we place so much more weight on it, and take it personally.

Lately my thinking is not to focus on the immediate, but on the long term goal and purposes.
That will help keep us on path to our target, and put less weight on the occasional setbacks that surely will happen.

success and setbacks are discrete points but growth is perpetual.
It is growth that we should be seeking. ever changing, ever improving.

I like this book, Napolean Hill's Think and Grow Rich. The practices and mindset can be applied to other areas like personal growth. Do read if you can.
http://s3.amazonaws.com/Worksheets_and_Shownotes/OTHER%20GUIDES/ThinkandGrowRichebook.pdf

If fact I'm reading so much these days.
Time off PMO should be spent reading. Now this is truly the best P for the mind !

 

[TakeActionNow]

What we're doing here is addiction recovery
as much as addiction is about abuse of substance (drugs/gambling/porn/alcohol), the roots of addiction begins with emotions.

So treating addiction is not simply about substance removal, it is all about emotional repair and readjustment.

The sequence of events is emotional triggers -> psychological consideration -> physical action

So when blogging here to help your addiction recovery, write about your emotional struggles. this takes the pain out and allows you to adjust your psychological responses.

It is never simply about reaching out for PMO use.

-------------------------

My path to recovery started in 3rd May 2017
I was without work and have been despondent and uninterested with life for many years
I met a girl on this day and fell madly in love
So strong was my attraction to her that I instantly stopped PMO since meeting her
Love is such an important trigger in life to get creative and excited with living
(through my recovery, I've come to realize that self love is the most important love of all)

I took the rest of the month meeting people to get interested with life again
She is the most lovely person and we made love at the end of the month
But by middle of June we had drifted apart because of my lack of career and personal ambition.
Depressed and greatly sadden, I binged massively on PMO until 9/7/17 when i heard a podcast on ED from PMO.
So started my true recovery the next day on 10/7

Between starting till today I focused deeply on reading, blogging, writing about thoughts, and helping fellow rebooters here. Most were just concerned about their dick recovery. I guess they weren't as loser as myself in life to care more about psychological and emotional wellbeing .
Anyway, the longer i stayed off PMO, the more i blog here, the clearer things became for me
I can really feel the change in the way i think
Disinterest, giving up, uncaring and negativity slowly but surely moved away and were gradually replaced with purpose, intention, interest and desire to better and improve myself.

Of and on I still met with the girl i loved.
How strong is my attachment?
I guess i probably think of her over 100 times a day instinctively
I wake up every morning to the thought of her.
I want so badly to be with her.
But her actions soon became clear that she wasnt interested.

Yesterday i read the blog of happysad
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=7620.0
A really nice and courageous guy, I related deeply with his relationship with his crush.
And with fierce determination, last night i decided to let mine go too.

Yesterday was a positive day for me
I blogged here on http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=14193.msg143750#msg143750 about facing our flaws.
2 recruiters called me up regarding applications i made earlier
i also went to a talk on SEO.
I looked around a room full of bright and eager people wanting to improve and do good.
I think why wasnt i like them when i was younger?
I was always running away from challenges, hiding from fear of certainty of failing.
Why wasn't i even remotely confident with myself?
I'm not a dumb fella. I have my certs. I'm tall and fit. Its just that i focused too much on harping my mistakes instead of making improvements.
Maybe its me. Maybe its PMO.
I cant be like this anymore. I want to succeed.
At night i read Choose Yourself by James Altucher.
Its a big wakeup call to reclaim my life.

I'm writing here now because today i woke with great anger and anxiety.
The drive to do well and improve my life is so strong today.
I read a great succees post by danb91 http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=14243.0#new

Its so clear now.
The pleasure trap that we are in is clearly described here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jX2btaDOBK8
addiction and recovery is 5 phases
natural normal->addicted artificial stimulated high->new unnatural normal->recovery clearing low->natural normal
we are at recovery clearing low now. we must invest the time to get back to natural normal.
for me natural normal stopped at 13
I'm therefore still mentally at 13. I have 30 years of catching up to do.
recovery is all about regaining our emotions and psychology

The life of PMO is false
Life gives 3 main stimulus : to grow/to avoid/to conserve
they are reflected in our emotions.
PMO robs us the ability to use our emotions, and hence we fail to adapt to these important stimulus.

creature who follow artificial stimulation will surely die.
they have no will to improve or take on challenges
they have given up the will to live

this is what we are really dealing with.
not the satisfaction of that piece of meat between our legs but the ability to live well, meaningfully, happily.

live my friends
live and be free

 

[TakeActionNow]

took a power nap and woke with a strong realization

i have only 1 life
i need to experience this world
not live in front of a computer screen, but to go out and experience life , places , people

this world is much bigger than just what we know
there is so much more than the news on the tv and the sounds from the radio

have to go out and experience it

only 1 life
and then its over.

 

[TakeActionNow]

still a struggle day for me.
cant get over the bad feeling of not feeling good about myself the whole day.
I am at my weakest.

I have DNS blockers on my home router and blockers on Chrome
made the mistake of checking the twitter of a chat gal i realized i haven't yet blocked.
turned off my wifi to go 4G and "test" if she isnt on
fooled by my mind that its going to be alright.
its not alright.
she's not on, but i'm disgraced by what i've done
immediately blocked her on the chrome blocker.

1. never trust my mind.
NEVER !
It doesn't know intentions, it only answers to cravings.
It will lie to me, serves its own purpose, saying a little sugar will do me good.
LIES !
Once I taste the sugar I will slip, and then I will regret.
REMORSE !

2. This is going to be a life long challenge
I must be prepared

3. Love from within
My weakness is when i forget my greater purpose and goal, and focus on my current condition.
The day will always be filled with ups and downs, but the month looking back will be calm
I need to always have long term eyes, never short terms ones, if i am to weather the daily waves.

This is tough, but i must endure
i so need love and endorsement from external, but i know that is transient and from habit
I must develop love from within.
Only love from within, self love, can keep me going strong and moving on.

4. Pain is gain
In my pain i must find gain
I must find ways other than PMO to ease my pain.
So far its been walking and eating and listening to positive ebooks.
I have 30 years of catching up.
I must treat my emotions like a muscle, let it tear and repair and grow stronger and tougher like gym work.

I love myself, I love myself, I love myself.
I love myself, I love myself, I love myself.
I love myself, I love myself, I love myself.


Need to build more inner mental and emotional strength

 

[TakeActionNow]

Reminder of an old reminder

To be interested with the outside we must be interested with our inside first

Take great passion with who we are and what we like. Find out who we are.
What moves us

Slowly this will extend outwards to the people around us. Then we will know them better and be better people to them.

Interests. It starts from inside out.