My future is awesome!

[lyon03]

Hey brother! Thanks for sharing about your depression and anger. That took a lot of courage. I saw much of my former addict self in what you so bravely shared. If it's any consolation, it gets better my friend. While in active addiction, I would constantly get angry whenever something challenged me. For example, I'd drive angry. I'd yell at my kids. And at work I'd make everyone uncomfortable with my explosive temper. People walked on eggshells around me because they didn't want to trigger another one of my angry outbursts. Put bluntly, I was a complete *sshole. In early reboot, the anger suddenly melted away. Why? Because I was no longer angry at myself. It didn't happen overnight, but posting here and racking up porn-free days helped me rebuild my broken self-esteem. Yes I still get angry, hell I still want to use porn as well, but these feelings/urges now wash over me rather than sweep me away. Does that make sense? 

 

[TakeActionNow]

Hi Lyon,

thank you for your advice, it does make sense.

I've noticed in my writing that my logic and emotions are very detached
one can see how my logical point forms are void of feelings.
perhaps this disconnect is also something i need to sort out.

Today the anger has left me.
I am feeling drained, somewhat a little depressed.
my mind has been active while i slept, so head is also groggy. Not a good sign.

I'll take a moment and share an article i found yesterday on negativity and depression.
It points to negative behavior as the root of our problems and ways to overcome it.
I think it is very helpful
https://wakeup-world.com/2015/08/01/negative-thinking-the-cause-of-chronic-depression-anxiety/

This one is on blame and responsibility
Also something worth reading to release the sense of self worthiness within us.
https://wakeup-world.com/2016/12/08/why-you-should-forgive-your-parents-and-how-to-do-it/

 

[TakeActionNow]

The way to liberation is to be fully engaged.

In my tired and groggy state, i just want to crawl back into bed and hide and sleep it away.
the internet attraction is very very strong.

but giving in to my temptations only retraces my steps.

i need to engage with these uncomfortable feelings directly
To overcome them i need to face them.
only then i can grow stronger and more able and endure more

Let me run headlong into my challenges !

Purpose before person.

A great link to help me deal with instant gratification
http://blog.iqmatrix.com/instant-gratification

 

[lyon03]

Well done brother. Question: what exactly are these temptations, feelings, and challenges? Feel free to share as little or as much as you like. As you've read from my thread, I shared EVERYTHING. By getting absolutely everything out of my head and into this forum, I started the long process of lightening the burden and changing my life. Hope that helps my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Hi Lyon,
Temptation is checking out chat sites.
Its amazing how these old habits are so deeply rooted as our #1 go to place for "comfort" and boredom release.
(reality avoidance behavior)

Feeling is of agitation, restlessness. Emotional hurt of not being able to be with someone i love (self pity?)

Challenges are things i need to do but procrastinate, avoid, dislike etc etc. (low self worth?)

I find much of these reactions are old practiced behaviors that make no logic sense, other than one of negative focus, low self worth and belief.

Lately I've been reading Richard Feynman's books and David Kahneman's thinking fast and slow.
Tonight i met a bunch of very bright people doing ai.
I realized that joy for them is to be totally immersed in doing what they love... Research and innovation.

I can relate with that joy.

I see the value of reading and studying more. Makes me realize the world is so much bigger than porn and games. Also studying makes me know more things. And i want to immerse myself in discovery so i can remain in joyful bliss.

 

[TakeActionNow]

1. openDNS
I heard from nofap podcast to use openDNS on our routers to block website access.
I have tested and it works for me )

https://www.opendns.com/setupguide/#familyshield

Please apply for yourself.
1 second added between desire and action is 1 second more to save ourselves from shame and regret.

2. Mark it at the start of the day
Also, instead of marking 'success' at the end of the day on my tracker, i mark it at the beginning of the day.
this simple change of behavior has a dramatic effect on actual outcome.
give it a try !

 

[lyon03]

Great advice so thanks for sharing friend. There is also the K9 blocker which helped me in early reboot. Keep going! PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[TakeActionNow]

I am reading the book Thinking fast and slow by Daniel Kahneman.

Its speaks of 2 types of thinking:
Type 1: instinctive, fast, emotional
Type 2: slow, deliberate, logical

Type 1s are generally more prone to instant gratification
Type 2s gain their happiness through long periods of attention and deep focus, like painting, studying a favorite topic, immersed deeply in solving a problem etc.

We are typically a mix of both types.

I can relate this 2 types of thinking with our PMO relationship

Type 1 : instinctively reaching out to PMO immediately when faced with triggers
ACTION: identify alternative effective Type 1 responses, or to catch it as it happens

Type 2: long periods spent on intense focus and attention searching for and using P, is actually a kind of flow that makes us happy too.
Notice typical type 2 activities "take us away from ourselves"
ACTION: we need to identify alternative wholesome Type 2 activities.


I address my Type 1 response with openDNS blocking and getting myself out of the house.

I have found new replacement Type 2 action in reading of biographies and subjects of interest
The motivation behind this is a desire for personal self improvement and learning


Purpose before Person

 

[TakeActionNow]

Trigger reminders HALT

Hungry/Happy/Hurt
Angry/Anxiety
Lonely
Tired

Also,
Down/Depressed
Sad
Bored

 

[TakeActionNow]

Goldjacketluke did a fantastic video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKRR1e67I1w

Here are some things to think about
1. Why is masturbation an accepted practice or even necessary?
We really have to question this practice.
Are we masturbating because it is a social norm or are we misled to believe this is a social norm?
Should masturbation and release be the acceptable practice to ease tension or cravings? Are there better healthier options?  Should it even be a choice?
Just because we are horny as hell at 16, does it mean we have to behave the same way at 46?
Does porn lead to masturbating more, or is it the other way round?

2. Negativity and depression
Negativity is the root of depression, not the other way round.
Positivity, The opposite of negativity, isnt the cure for negativity.
Instead, it is the aspiration to raise above ourselves , to accept suffering, and find meaning that lifts us out of negativity, and hence depression.

We really got to question our fundemental beliefs, even something as commonly acceptable as masturbating to release stress. It may not actually be true!

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing friend. How's your reboot going?

 

[TakeActionNow]

Well,

this is my record so far:
Started 10/7
Slipped on
14/8 -> chatsite distraction
15/8 -> missing her
24/8 -> 7 day peaking?
6/9 -> missing her
7/9 -> missing her

Other developments.
That miserable 4.5 months long depression has lifted these last 2 weeks.
Reason being:
1. I'm starting to be able to let go and accept
2. I stopped reading up on self help and depression. ( they sorta made things worse)
3. I've discovered negativity to be the root of my depression (fuck negativity)
4. I've started reading up on books on character building
5. I'm going back for some religious teachings

In this time I've discovered that
1. having purpose in life makes seeking instant gratification less important
2. understanding long term effort making makes seeking instant gratification less important
3. not gratifying frequently makes seeking instant gratification less important
4. not gratifying frequently makes me feel more grounded and stable
5. not gratifying frequently strangely makes P unattractive ( I am becoming more aware and interested with personal growth instead

Podcasts have been a great help in my recovery
1. it was a podcast that led me to finding out about ED and reboot on 9/7
2. it was a podcast that led me to install openDNS family shield
3. it was a podcast that made me reflect:
a. which came first, M or P ( ie does M makes wanting P more or P makes wanting M more? either way both are destructive)
b. why should M be the go to habit/practice for relief? (just because everyone smokes, does it mean i must smoke too?)

Anyway, with long term focus, my mood is generally calmer and more stable.
I'm not thinking so much of my immediate personal needs, and instead am happy to stay focused on my purpose.
I am less distracted, less avoiding
Less externally influenced, more internally driven
Instead I am more engaged with whatever I am doing now
I have more self respect and discipline

I am more aware of my triggers:
HALTBSD : Happy Angry/Agitated/Anxious Lonely Tired Bored Sad Depressed

I am feeling happier and more contented with every passing day.
I was very proud of my initial 36 day streak, but i also realized i made it though because of sheer will power.
Yet it wouldn't have lasted because I did not have emotional understanding of myself and personal purpose.

Now I am better emotionally connected.
I am better aware of my triggers
I have better understanding of choice and process
I have direction

I am not embarrassed by my slips.
My failures have taught me alot about myself.
I look forward to a more grounded and realistic future.

I would suggest reading more of the blogs on the success stories section
http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?board=12.0
Dont be suck down by the struggles of other.
Instead be inspired by the successes of others.

Purpose before person. Peace

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for replying brother. So if I'm reading this correctly, you've been PMO-free since September 7th? Have you considered putting a tracker on your thread? Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Hi Lyon,

haha I might be fooling myself, but I'm still holding on the 10th July as my formal start day with a few bumps along the way.
I see my cravings like a decaying sine wave, with the long term outlook as a flat zero, and each bump is exceedingly important at telling me what are my watch outs.
So I'm 50-50 on dates. I respect the most recent 7/9 record, especially its subsequent 7 and 14 day peaks.
Right now my disposition is rather calm, so I'm not too worried.

For personal tracker, I use this on my android phone
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=org.isoron.uhabits

I find its better in many ways.
1. it gives a more detailed tracking, especially actual slip days
2. i keep track of other related triggers like stress or anxiety, and other non related activities like meditation and exercise
3. This is the most powerful :
I actually click success/completion at the beginning of the day
I discovered that this subconsciously primes me for adjustment, completion and success

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for the update brother. Your dedication to living porn-free is motivating us all. Keep coming back!

 

[TakeActionNow]

I came to realize, PMO, and all the other antisocial addictions, are really just manifestation of a self centered mind.

The mind that craves attention and gratification is one that shouts me me me all the time.

This kind of mind can never find peace, happiness, contentment and fulfilment.

To break free from PMO and/or other addictions, one needs to break free from this self centered mind first.

The way to forget the self, is
- to give frequently and generously
- to keep busy and active
- to take the difficult path, not the easy one
- to have purpose and meaning greater than oneself
- to have kind and wholesome love for oneself

 

[Strike a true path]

Hi TAN from your posts I see that you are absolutely dedicated to recovery of yourself and of others too. No stone left unturned in your quest for ideas and information that will help.

This intensive problem solving mode of our minds is useful but can be exhausting if we are not careful. Its good to give ourselves a rest by using meditation to get out of our thoughts/intellect into the mode of experiencing just being in the now. So relaxing and good! Creativity is great, too, whatever form it takes -for me its drawing and painting, and playing a musical instrument -for others it may be pottery, writing, poetry, origami or whatever. To make time to do these nourishing activities is an act of kindness toward ourselves and another step in learning to love ourselves
Whatever we do, we can do it as best we can, and (do our best to) accept that this is good enough. Everything that we do is a skill and skills always take time to learn (often a frustratingly long time!) So we can hopefully cut ourselves a little slack.

In our culture we are taught to measure our worth in terms of how skilled we are at doing things -and so we feel crap when we "don't measure up"
I have been rewriting the script over the years, I tell myself

I am a successful man. I always succeed in doing my best and I am always good enough whatever the outcome may be.

So, I have chosen to believe that success for me is doing my best -rather than achieving or not achieving some goal or another.

Ive rambled on a bit there! Hope you are having a good day

-Strike

 

[lyon03]

Great and thoughtful post Strike so thank you for sharing. How are things with you TAN? I look forward to your next update. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Creativity is great, too, whatever form it takes -for me its drawing and painting, and playing a musical instrument -for others it may be pottery, writing, poetry, origami or whatever. To make time to do these nourishing activities is an act of kindness toward ourselves and another step in learning to love ourselves

So, I have chosen to believe that success for me is doing my best -rather than achieving or not achieving some goal or another.

-Strike

Wow Strike, thank you so much !
just at the nick of time.
I've been sick since last Friday, spending alot of time in bed getting over a terrible flu and fever.
I sense I'm slipping back into negativity and depression.

Your words are very important to me
Thank you for this good reminder.

I will celebrate trying my best all the time !

Today:
1. went out for a walk in the park with umbrella while drizzling to get out of my home and have some open air
2. took an hour train to a meeting even though wasnt feeling well cos it was important
3. mop clean and cook for family.

Yeah the hobbies thing is important. I've been putting it off for too long. I want to do some painting.
Getting into the flow while hobby crafting is a great feeling too!

Thanks !

 

[Strike a true path]

Great stuff TAN hope you get well soon