Seems like a lot of. assumptions going on here, and partners of porn addicts being told what they think, what porn is, what their men are into, and lots of the usual crap like we have unrealistic expectations and that we?re pissed off because our men fail to live up to our unrealistic ideals.. nothing new here under the sun. Zzzzzzzz......
OK. First thing to say here is: I did not in any way ?make? my husband quit porn. He developed a compulsive habit (or addiction, as some describe it) and he wasn?t happy in that situation which was entirely of his own making. In the end, masturbating to a computer screen alone in room hoping nobody was going to walk in on him wasn?t his idea of a good time. He didn?t know why he was doing it any more, he found it a lonely miserable experience. Along the way he developed the usual trajectory of erectile dysfunction, and who wants that? Not me. Porn addiction is a progressive condition, it creates and strengthens the reward pathways in the brain to the extent that a porn addict can?t function sexually in real life sexual experiences. They only function with porn and eventually even that stops working for them. That?s what happened to him. Neither of us knew what porn addiction was until after he quit but once he read the research it all made sense - why he was compelled to repeat the behaviour regardless of whether he actually ?liked? it. He quit porn two years ago and doesn?t want it, doesn?t miss it. Porn, he says, was always a very poor substitute. And I know he?s right.
OK... ?at least it?s not drinking/drugs/gambling? blah blah. Well, if he wanted to gamble away his money that was always his choice, but it?s a choice he never made. Note that I?m saying *his* money. Not ?ours?. I have my own. I would kill a relationship stone dead from the get go if anyone thought I was gonna be their cash machine, or if there was any hint of financial irresponsibly. I have a friend was married to a gambler and is now divorced. Yes it created a lot of problems but in the end she?d had enough and had to put her kids first. I?ve witnessed other addictions in my extended family and I know what it involves, and in those cases the partner ended the relationship when they?d had enough. Nobody knows for sure whether addiction will emerge later in life, and we deal with it according to our individual circumstances. Relationships have ended because of porn addiction, not because it?s just some guy doing something to alleviate his stress or whatever, but because of his porn use is affecting how he relates to his partner, and even how he relates to his kids.
But all of this is hypothetical for me anyway. My partner became addicted to porn, not gambling, not heroin, not alcohol, not anything else. If something is causing a problem, it?s causing a problem. You either fix it or you don?t. Either way, the relationship could end or it could endure. The best possible outcome is what suits both. In my situation, my partner was relieved to quit porn and hasn?t looked back since. Nobody made him do it. It was his decision to quit.
Fetishes: what you are describing here is YOUR fetish. You seem to be extrapolating YOUR sexual preferences to our partners and husbands. Well, I have news for you. Not everyone shares your fetishes. So, you have a fetish. I say, ?so what?? I?m sure many people could care less. I can talk openly with my partner about sexuality. I am proactive in finding out what he likes, or would like. I know what fetishes are. I know what?s out there. I?m not naive. But guess what? I don?t really care what other people do, where they go, who they meet, what their kink is.... What is it to me? I?m not in a relationship with them. People do whatever they do. So what? If kids are being abused, no way. If animals are being abused, no way. If vulnerable people like mentally handicapped people are being abused, no way. The consenting adult stuff? Don?t care. End of story.
About disclosure, it?s always easier when the facts are disclosed than discovered piecemeal. Speaking hypothetically, if someone revealed aspects of their sexuality that I could in no way accept, then I doubt I would continue a relationship with them. I don?t want to be, nor have I ever wanted to be, the good little compliant wife married to some guy living a double life. I?d rather be single. Why sign up for years of deception? It doesn?t make sense.
There?s plenty more I could say but I do have a real life in the real world to get on with rather, so I?ll say cheerio now.