A Pastor's Journey: A Year without Porn

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ajcoals

Active Member
Fellas!

I've been an on-again/off-again participant in the forums, and have had mixed experience here. I've found GREAT help and camaraderie, but also found it to be a mild sub at times reading other posts, so I need to watch that.

Anyway, staring a new thread, because I believe I'm starting a new journey.  You can read some of my story here http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=12149.0

Short version: I'm a Christian, Husband, Father of 2 (soon to be 3) and a Pastor. I've struggled with same-sex attraction since pre-puberty, masturbation since 12, porn since 14, and was sexually abused multiple times by 2 different male family members. I am broken, and I've battled PMO to varying to degrees through the years with varying degrees of success.  But I'm embarking on a Year without Porn starting today.


I've stepped back into full-time ministry and love it, but simultaneously I've felt a significant increase in temptation and attacks on me and my family since then.  I'm battling the temptation to PMO on a very regular basis now, where as before it was more of a monthly or bi-monthly struggle with P or subs.  I've been in counseling for the past few years, have shared with some of our pastoral staff about my struggle, I'm very transparent with a few close brothers, a mentor and am honest and transparent with my wife. I have not secrecy in my life.  And yet, I still have not been able to find the victory and sobriety that I so badly long for. 

Paradigm Shift:

This is where my paradigm has shifted lately. Although I want freedom, I don't want it enough. I want freedom, I want victory, I want PMO to be a distant memory.  So why hasn't it happened yet?  I've asked this question so many times. I've asked it to myself ad naseum, to my counselor, to my friends.  The reality is, I just don't want it bad enough.  That somewhere deep in my soul, I believe that happiness and sexual fulfillment will lie in an unhindered sexual freedom, free to go and have sex with anyone, anytime. This lie has lived in my heart for about 2 decades, and God is finally opening my eyes to see.

As I've realized over the past few weeks, porn isn't the problem.   Porn is the fruit, not the root. And I've spent far too many years trying to fight a battle tactically with all my might, which we should, but would produce mediocre results.  Why? Because I am convinced I don't have the power to change myself.   I may be able to modify my behavior, although I've been not great at that either, but the reason I haven't experienced true lasting change in this fight is because I can't change my desires.  I need God to do that.

Light Bulb:
What I've realized lately is this - I use porn to medicate my pain.  There's a saying from the old novel The World, The Flesh and Father Smith that goes like this: "Every man that knocks on the door of a brothel, is unconsciously looking for God." When I read this, it was like a light bulb went off.

Every man (or woman) that opens their device looking for porn, is unconsciously looking for God.
I am resolved that I am not able to change my desires from desiring sex more than desiring God, desiring to satisfy my flesh than to find lasting satisfaction in Him. I know the is something that only He can do.  So the shift in my battle has been this: True success will come from trusting God, his goodness, character and promises for me, and allowing him to heal me where I am broken rather than looking horizontally for other people to heal me, to meet my longings and cravings deep in my soul.  I look to porn to do that. To bring satisfaction, affirmation, approval. In the moans and groans of sexual pleasure, I envision me providing and being provided that level of affirmation and approval.  I look to porn for a world of security, where I'm in control, where the riskiness of human relationships is reduced to a single sexual encounter where I can satisfy and be satisfied simply with my body, and the risk of being found out I'm not enough is almost non-existent. 

Porn is a fantasy, and I indulge in it because it is an external manifestation of the internal fantasy that I play in my mind: that sexual freedom is true freedom. It's not, that is a lie, and it's one that will destroy my life.

I started a new thread, because this has been a fundamental shift in thinking for me. I'm not jumping on here as I've done in the past: "I'm going to beat this!" "This is the last time!" "This is finally it!".

No. Apart from God changing my heart, changing my desires to seeing him as more desirable, as the One who can truly meet all the needs of my soul in Christ, both today, tomorrow and in the future, then I will always return to something that will ultimately disappoint. 

Tactical:Here are the things I've put in place to keep me from falling
  • Covenant Eyes, accountability & filter
  • Got rid of my new Galaxy S8, went back to the S4 that has better monitoring and less loopholes
  • I've pinpointed when I fail the most (weekends = free time) and have put a time block on those times so I can't access the internet on my devices
    • Meet regularly with my mentor



      Looking forward to journeying with you guys!

      *If anyone needs accountability or wants to talk further, PM me*.
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
Hey, I just read your journal. You write with honesty and in a way that shows that you're allowing God to search your heart - that's really commendable.

It's great that you have people you can share this battle with. It may be that you are never *free* of temptation but God promises us a way to stand up whilst under temptation. Keep seeking Him and see His presence as the greater pleasure, the greater reward.

Finally, look up the song "so will I" by Hillsong United. Be blessed by it. God has your life in the palm of His hands. He speaks, and your failures disappear.
 
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toph

Active Member
Wao, what a story. I really hope you can make it dude. I thought pastors would be over this issue, but it seems people from all over the spectrum are tangled with this. Im not a man of faith but really hope we can get through this together
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Toph - Thanks brother, me too. I know I can't do it on my own. I can't change my heart, but I know God is changing it. I firmly believe Him when he says: For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.
Toph- what is your motivation for change?  love to see other guys' stories on here. Thanks for hitting me up! Let's keep fighting!


PE30 - Man, thank you. Means a lot. I love that perspective, I'm redefining what *free* and *success* looks like.  I was thinking this week, in the midst of some frustration: would I prefer to have had a porn-free week or to have had what God revealed to me in my weakness and struggle?

Honestly, I never want to fall in this way again. But the things He's showing me in my failure has been incredible. I'll look up the song...thanks!
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
You're quite right: failure isn't the end of the world as long as you learn from it and are stronger as a result. What I was getting at, though, is this: even if you go 100 days without PMO, the temptation may never leave you. I'm 70 days in and I still felt tempted to go on a chat room when my wife slept this morning. I mean, why is that still happening?! I think that's just how addiction works. It never really leaves you, but you gain control and power over it, in God's strength.
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
PE30 - that's a good reminder. We always have to be on guard and watch out for temptation. 

I woke up tempted as well this morning so I wanted to come here!

Well, day 2.  Woke up early, ready for another fight.  My flesh wants porn, but my spirit wants Christ...praise God.

I wanted to share this, I just read it:

Why You Give in to Sexual Sin
Devotional by John Piper
Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones that you have broken rejoice. . . . Restore to me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. (Psalm 51:8, 12)
Why isn?t David crying out for sexual restraint? Why isn?t he praying for men to hold him accountable? Why isn?t he praying for protected eyes and sex-free thoughts? In this psalm of confession and repentance after essentially raping Bathsheba, you would expect David to ask for something like that.

The reason is that he knows that sexual sin is a symptom, not the disease.

People give way to sexual sin because they don?t have fullness of joy and gladness in Christ. Their spirits are not steadfast and firm and established. They waver. They are enticed, and they give way because God does not have the supreme place in their feelings and thoughts that he should.

David knew this about himself. It?s true about us too. David is showing us, by the way he prays, what the real need is for those who sin sexually: God! Joy in God.

This is profound wisdom for us.
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
John Piper is so helpful on this issue, as is the Desiringgod website in general. We will always be more fulfilled in Christ than in porn. Always.
 
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toph

Active Member
all this God satisfaction thing seems very interesting. I cant relate to it, but it kinda makes sense. I hope this works for you guys.
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
It does help, toph. I definitely feel more able to stay clean when I'm reading my bible often, praying and so on. I've got a lot to learn but I'm convinced that God is real, he's for me and that his plan for my life is better than the shapeless void of a porn/chat room addiction.
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Toph,

I agree with PE30. It's been a game changer for me. It's not that sobriety can't happen if you don't believe in God, but I believe we're all hard-wired for worship.  We're created with a God-sized hole in our hearts that we spend our lives trying to fill (porn, sex, money, success, approval, etc) but are never satisfied, and I believe God is the only One who can satisfy us. 

This gives great motivation in the fight, because it doesn't leave me looking for just something else to replace porn with. I know i need to replace porn with pursuing God rather than pursuing porn.

It also reminds me that because I believe there's a God, he loves and designed sex, which leads me to remember he also has a plan for sex in my life...in the context of my marriage.  So porn not only is poor substitute for desiring God, it's also a reckless detour from his original design for my soul, which is why it comes with so many negative consequences.  We simply weren't meant to be voyeurs in each other's sexual lives. 

Hope this helps!  Always willing to talk more about this :)

Hope your fight is going well!


I love this sermon: http://www.desiringgod.org/messages/battling-the-unbelief-of-lust
 
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malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
If God is the only resource you believe in to beat this, what are we horizontal humans for? Why tell the horizontals at all? Could it be you need the humans too?
 
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PE30

Well-Known Member
It's not the only resource by any means! In the last ten weeks I've:
- used this place
- talked to my wife
- talked to another couple of good friends
- prayed, read the Bible, found helpful articles from a Christian perspective.

My view as a Christian is that all the above are useful (and we were never intended to pursue a solitary faith but to work in partnership with others)... That said, I know there are loads of people on here who use other techniques / philosophies.

And actually, the biggest resource we all have is ourselves. It's only by taking ownership of our addiction that we stand a chance.
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Guys - I'm here.  I'm happy to report, almost ONE WEEK with no P, no M and most importantly for me...no SUBS!

Praise God! Thanks for checking in.  God has been teaching me much.  My phone has been on lockdown, pretty much, but yesterday I even found two apps I could get into the web with, unfiltered and around my software, and...boom, deleted.  So happy to report that, BUT I know that each day, oftentimes multiple times a day the battle rages on in my soul, and it's been TOUGH this week.

Malando -

Great question, my friend. I read it yesterday, which has given me time to process it.  I would ABSOLUTELY, 100% agree...I need humans. I view my brothers in accountability as vital. I have a few in-person, close brothers I share with regularly, in addition to my wife, that serve as primary source of human accountability, and then I post on here, as a second layer of accountability. I also have an older male mentor who use to be my counselor, we grab a beer once a month as well.

I'm a broken man, I need MUCH support around me bro.  I certainly wouldn't want to insinuate otherwise.

What I would emphasize is although I find human accountability vital, I don't find it sufficient alone for true change. This is an important distinction. I don't think I'd gain health without, but I can't gain true lasting change on human relationships alone.  I'll reiterate what I said earlier.  I don't simply have a porn problem. I have a worship problem.  I've used porn to medicate the pain, and substitute it for healthy sex with my wife.  This isn't merely physical, it's spiritual, and as it stands can't be fixed by merely physical tactics, but also a supernatural one...looking to the Creator of my body, who has designed me for sex in a certain way, within the context of my marriage.  Anything outside of that will lead me to destruction.

If interested, I'd recommend the book of Romans for further exploration on how human tactics only get us so far, and that what we're all really, truly longing for is to be fully satisfied, approved, affirmed and loved. Our soul only finds this in God, and He's so eager to invite us into that relationship with Him.
 
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malando

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
cknfella said:
Malando -

Great question, my friend. I read it yesterday, which has given me time to process it.  I would ABSOLUTELY, 100% agree...I need humans. I view my brothers in accountability as vital. I have a few in-person, close brothers I share with regularly, in addition to my wife, that serve as primary source of human accountability, and then I post on here, as a second layer of accountability. I also have an older male mentor who use to be my counselor, we grab a beer once a month as well.

I'm a broken man, I need MUCH support around me bro.  I certainly wouldn't want to insinuate otherwise.

What I would emphasize is although I find human accountability vital, I don't find it sufficient alone for true change. This is an important distinction. I don't think I'd gain health without, but I can't gain true lasting change on human relationships alone.  I'll reiterate what I said earlier.  I don't simply have a porn problem. I have a worship problem.  I've used porn to medicate the pain, and substitute it for healthy sex with my wife.  This isn't merely physical, it's spiritual, and as it stands can't be fixed by merely physical tactics, but also a supernatural one...looking to the Creator of my body, who has designed me for sex in a certain way, within the context of my marriage.  Anything outside of that will lead me to destruction.

If interested, I'd recommend the book of Romans for further exploration on how human tactics only get us so far, and that what we're all really, truly longing for is to be fully satisfied, approved, affirmed and loved. Our soul only finds this in God, and He's so eager to invite us into that relationship with Him.
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What I like about you is that you take my challenges to you in the spirit I intend them. I think you know that tough questions must be asked in order to beat this, and you are not shirking the big questions. I don't do posts like "keep trying, you're doing great after 6 days, hey don't beat youself up, etc." because in the end, I don't think they amount to a hill of beans. What we all need is a reality check, not false dawns or faint praise. We must confront what where we are failing and set about putting it right.

I think you have the courage to do this, which is why I think you will win this battle in the end. My only concern for you is that you might lose something important to you before you conquer it. So I implore you to work as hard as you can to beat this thing. I think in your profession, you must be dealing with a lot of stress and guilt because you are held to a higher standard that most. On the other hand, you are just a man like anybody else, and you are subject to the same temptations, vulnerabilities and pitfalls as all of us are.

So, keep working hard, my friend. You will get there because you must get there. Onward and upward. 
 
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ajcoals

Active Member
Fellas,

I'm back, and what a day!  It's been insane.

Had a large event last night, and woke up extremely tired and extremely tempted. Spent a good bit of time looking for something, anything to get off to.  Finally found a way to the web, went to twitter, and started to go down the path quickly.  I started the first video, started to see the kissing, and BOOM. I was done. I shut it off, deleted the app and fled. I DID NOT SEE PORN.

It was an extremely close call.  It wrecked me for most of the morning. And although I didn't see any material, I wanted it all day...bad.

I also ended up masturbating this am, so I'm changing my clock below.

However, later this afternoon...I found ANOTHER portal on my phone, and quickly deleted that app as well.  Praising God for these victories. I've been praying specifically for God to grant me freedom BEFORE I begin to edge with material.  My pattern lately has been to see how far I can go without claiming flat out that I've seen porn. Clearly that's the wrong mindset. I should be asking how far AWAY can I stay from P and subs. 

Just checking in. Hope you all are well!
 
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