Malando,
Hi friend, thank you so much for the great questions. I am grateful. You ask deep, soul questions that some of my closest friends don't ask me, although the ones you ask certainly roll around in my head, so I'm happy to let you peek under the hood of my struggle, so to speak.
My wife is very accepting. We've never really labeled it bisexuality, but if I were to label it, it would certainly fall into that category. From our biblical worldview, we believe that everyone is sexually broken, all of us in need of healing, all of us in need of a Savior. This has been
absolutely vital in helping me understand, process and heal. It also allows for a framework beyond "This is how I feel, so this must be my identity." It allows hope for my actions to not be driven by my feelings. And because my wife and I both hold true to Christianity, having her as a partner in this has made all the difference. She didn't find out until after we were married...she was the first person I ever told, our emotional rivers run deep, over many years of intersecting. She's such an incredible woman and gift to me in my life.
- How does she encourage me in them...certainly not to pursue them, though if I were being entirely transparent, I'm not going to lie and say I've never fantasized about that scenario. I have, but I'm grateful it's never been on the table, it would have only driven us far from each other. She encourages me to be honest with her, honest with myself, honest with my feelings. She refuses to let me hide, refuses to let me go dark, quiet, isolated. She stands by me, and asks me hard questions. She is in every way, my friend, partner, confidant and lover. She encourages me in truth, that I'm not defined by my feelings and pushes me deeper in my walk with Christ.
- Is it highly distracting to my life to think about it a lot? Yes. So I fight to preach truth to myself, focus on others, and spend my life pouring out for others than entertain false realities or ideas about what would make me truly happy or satisfied. What my flesh wants, to have sex with men, which would also include cheating on my wife and/or leaving my family...there is not a scenario where this doesn't cause enormous harm, pain and betrayal to my wife, children, extended family, church family, friends and neighbors. There's not even an acquaintance that wouldn't be affected by this. I just couldn't do it. Simply, as bad as my flesh wants it...it's not worth it. Not even close.
I was just dwelling on this this morning...I could never leave my family to pursue some temporary sexual experience that would only cause pain for me and everyone else.
I could never leave my family, because God has never left me. God has been faithful to me, even in my struggles, my hurt, my pain, my longing, that most importantly for me to pursue my fleshly desires, I would have to leave God to do it. It just isn't worth it, and pales in comparison to the joy and relationship I have with him now.
- Does it torture me to have these desires? Yes, at times. Immensely painful. At times, it's thrust me into incredible darkness, loneliness, and sadness. I want them. I can not sugarcoat that. But, I want other things more. I want a future and a hope. I want my marriage. I want my daughters to grow up with their father in the home, seeing daddy be faithful and consistent in the love I give them and how I point them to God. I want to be present for them. I also want my God, and the life he's given me. But is this painful? Yes. I could write pages on how painful it is. Even as I write this now, the pain is deep, the longing is real. To be intimate with another man would certainly satisfy, temporarily, some life longings I've had. But I have to remember two things: 1) that satisfaction would be temporary, and in it's aftermath would be full of destruction and pain, leaving everyone in my life asking the question "Why? Why was it worth giving us up to have that?" and 2) to go back to our faith, Christ calls us to "pick up our cross, and die daily", that we are a "living sacrifice". Christ makes no qualms about following him....if you choose to follow Christ, he asks you to give up everything. When you meet Christ, you are given a new (better) set of desires, purpose, mission and trajectory. I no longer live for myself, but I live for the One who gave his life to forgive and heal me, and to reconcile me back to my Creator. So, and I struggle with this on many days, but this reminds me that my struggle is temporary, it won't last forever, and it is expected of the Christian life...to die to what our flesh wants, and it's the least I can do for my Savior who died and gave his life to rescue me.
Wheh...that was a lot, but great questions man, and it encouraged me to be able to answer them. Simply, it's not easy, not even close, but much like all of us are on here to put to death those things that we don't want to rule us...the same is with my attractions. It's worth it.
