Here is the Ted talk.
Lisa Feldman Barrett: You aren't at the mercy of your emotions -- your brain creates them
https://go.ted.com/CdJA
Had one thought about your incident at McDonald's. I cant know what u are feeling inside of you. This is only what I have noticed within myself when I've been in similar situations before.
U said u felt down even if u fled and shut it down. I can totally relate to that. I did some investigating for several years ago, I always wondered why I felt that way. I had read about what P could do so I tried to not do any PMO. I remember how I fell asleep with a smile because I did not PMO or even surf the internet. Victory.!! BUT the day after a felt low and depressed anyways.
I did take some time to go through my emotions and feelings. I found that I did already felt down before my urges to PMO. I did not understood why or see the big picture then. I was living mostly in total ignorance about my addiction. I never thought about, I never remember when I did PMO. The day after my memories about it was gone.
It was only after I met a private therapist who used Transactional analysis. He explained and teached me about psychology games and how and why we learn playing these games in our childhood. Some games are really bad for you. And one of the games I played was "kick me"...
As we both agreed two, u and me, is that PMO is the fruit. So if it's the fruit, something else is the root. It's something in your daily life that triggers the urge.
For me it was sadness and loneliness. Now I know that every time I want to PMO, I had an encounter with someone close to me. Someone said something that made me sad. And I didn't realize nor verbalize my sadnes or being angry. Now I know this I can step aside and start to look back day by day until I found a good day. Then I start to go through the days activities, to found where and what I been saying and else's said to me. When I find the specific event. I write it down, and I almost every time start to cry.
PMO is only a false friendship I seek for intimacy. What my body really tells me is that I need love, someone who listens to me and hold me in their arms. When my wife can't hold special for me, I trained myself to hold space for myself.
And guess what. When I do this, the urge for PMO instantly goes away. If I don't take time to find d this eve then and let it go, I keep my sorrow inside me, and the urge for PMO gets stronger and stronger. And I get more down for every day. Even if don't PMO and "doing good".
Hope u get what I say, and that u can find a way to stop the struggle.
U are doing great.
Forgive yourself and read psalm 55
