quit for good

[joepanic]

Well Gracie  I have many times  attempted to discuss our sex life(i think you and I have had this conversation before  much further back in my journal)with my wife  not so much  how often we do it but more  that she could never bring her self to initiate it and still wont.  Almost feels like a form of control..... make me keep coming  and asking  for it ..... pretty tough on my self esteem for sure.  But as usual she doesn't seem to find it a problem.  The one time she  semi-initiated and I didn't respond because I just didn't want to try to guess  I really did hear about it  a few days later.  I am ready to just go celibate  for a little while and if she wants it Ill be glad to  join in the fun  but I really dont feel like guessing any more    I could give up porn  Im sure I can do without  sex for a little while  if just depends if she can get by without holding that little bit of control/power    Ugghhhh people with control issues    Not the most easy to live with  Those  who can live with someone who has control issues are some of my heros

    post often it helps me it helps you

 

[workinprogressUK]

Hi JP. Recurring issue for you, this one, isn't it? I can understand your frustration if you still have your drive, but she's human too, with her own motives, fears, insecurities and aspirations. Could be any number of reasons for her to not make it obvious what she wants physically, and when she wants it. I have a similar challenge, although I can't remember the last time my wife and I had sex. In my case, there are menopausal issues playing a part but the biggest issue remains the loss of trust caused by my P acting out. I'm not saying that's the case for you, but I am saying that things aren't always simple and straightforward. Stuff gets complicated over time. You're a "straightforward kind of communicator", but maybe straightforward isn't clicking with her just now.

Oh man! Just read this back to myself. Tempted to delete it. Who the f**k am I to offer any advice? "Healer, heal thyself" comes to mind! But I won't delete it, because this is clearly a long-term, underlying issue that's chipping at your resolve and your self esteem, so I hope it comes across as trying to help. If it doesn't.... I apologise.  :-\

 

[joepanic]

No worries  WIP    I like to take  the opinions of everyone weather  A  I agree with the or not  and B  weather I think the person giving me the opinion is relevant or not.  And here I feel everyone these days is relevant.  I think it also is a bit of a recurring  topic with me  and I suppose it comes up sometimes based on what others here post. I think the underlying tone of my posting on this topic is more about communication....or the lack there of  Or on the topic of control.  Its funny how it was different  until shortly after we were married.  And it seems to have changed a little more (and not for the better) after I told her I gave up porn.  I'm not going to say I have this huge drive... yahhh most of us guys would love to do it every night  but the key phrase here is "would love to"  not  we require it.  I'm happy for the most part to do it on her schedule  but like I say its the initiation thing here that always bothered me.  Think I need to do some more reading or something  maybe find something else to occupy my mind for a little bit though


      Cheers

                Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[joepanic]

     

        Even though I might have some gripes most of it is just venting. We are all in situations sometimes that get under our skin. That doesn't mean they necessarily define us.  Everything from the smallest  pet peeve issue all the way up to the fact that we are/were porn addicts.  I have certainly found that  getting clean from porn use I really do see that.  And it certainly has made it easier to move forward with that knowledge. There are many factors these days that  have some sort of control on our outlook.....just look at  what this virus has been doing to peoples well being. Being clean I have been able to analyze certain things much more effectively. I am now confident I can claim victory and post in the success stories.  Question for myself is  what role will i play here after the fact.  I ask this as  my journey to this point has came with its share of controversy and challenge. I have a habit of going against the grain from time to time.

      Now onto thoughts about the future

    Post often it helps me it helps you

 

 

[Phineas 808]

I am now confident I can claim victory and post in the success stories.  Question for myself is  what role will i play here after the fact.  I ask this as  my journey to this point has came with its share of controversy and challenge. I have a habit of going against the grain from time to time.

I would look forward to such a success story, joe!

Past controversies aside, you have a lot you can contribute to Reboot Nation in helping men (and women) to find freedom from PMO, and P-addiction.

Your unique approach is valuable because it is different (and that's your strength!). If we read carbon copies of the average person, not all will benefit. We sometimes need that out-of-the-ordinary person who will come by with a different take, a different perspective, before we will listen.

I feel you in that department, as my approach is similarly different in certain respects.

If there are certain folk who might take difference for personal reasons, my hope is that they will see beyond these differences and see the value and potential impact that your story certainly has.

 

[joepanic]

Thanks Phineas

    I have noticed that a few people who originally took issue with my views  eventually able to take something away from it.  As time went by I was also able to see their point of view on some things  and it has helped me.  One of the problems we face in a reboot like this is  our minds have been  clouded for so long ....The so called brain fog.  That sometimes it takes time for us to see another's point of view.
That is why I have always felt it so important to just give support for those 1st crucial 90 days. Something that  some of us were not able to get.  After that perhaps with a more clear mind one might be more open to others suggestions.  I think most will know it is partners  who I am referring to.  I have never pretended to understand what they were going through and never once did I say any of their views were wrong even if I thought it. I don't believe it was my place to disagree as I did not always know the dynamics of their story. I offered words of support here and there  where I thought It might have been helpful.

There almost needs to be 2 sections to RN  one being the 90 day reboot  and the other general information  for creating  healthier  people who are free from porn tips on improving relationships  confidence  info on getting the word out on how destructive porn has the potential to become.  In no way do I believe in  censorship but I do believe in people being properly educated in everything  that they do.

    With that being said  I have found it  far easier to discuss  my issues with a few partners  the last little while.  Something that came out of both having a clear head and partners who have also become more educated from what I as well as others have probably said  over time.  I think everyone who comes here has something positive to add. Quite often it is a matter  of timing.

    Post often it helps me it helps you.

 

[joepanic]

Another successful day  quite productive all things considered  The home building store screwed up my  curbside pick up order wasting my time  but I did learn some  small plumbing task fixing a leaking tap.  I'm renovating a rental property I own to sell it. Just cant find a tenant to take care of it  bummer as it was my grandmothers house  and fixing it up  its starting to look like it should afterr many years of abuse  I am a bit bummed about it  but it is going to ensure my retirement to re invest the cash elsewhere.  I dont  have too much insight today for my journal other than I really do overall feel better having given up the daily pmo session after so many years.  I am actually having to learn a bunch of things I probably should have learned 2 or 3 decades ago  again  better late than never.  Regret is also becoming less of a problem.  Time truly does heal

    post often it helps me it helps you

    ps  most of the action is in  murgatroyd's journal in porn addiction section

 

[joepanic]

Just watched a ted talk called "lets talk porn" by Maria Ahlin.

      Its pretty scary  the direction that porn has taken the last several years.  I have never much been for censorship but I think  the world needs to be at least educated as to what they might be watching.  This way one can decide if they wish to support  something.  Quite frankly the direction that porn has taken might be a symptom of the direction the rest of the world  has taken  or could it be the other way around. Is porn setting the standard to follow.  Either way you look at it, it doesn't look good.  The porn industry makes its millions  off of advertising. Every time someone watched this  so called "free" porn the producers get  advertising dollars.  One more reason for me to not want to watch it.  Perhaps if enough people  stop watching it the advertising dollars will dry up and maybe the industry might be forced to clean itself up

      cheers

      Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[joepanic]

Reading some other journals sort of gave me some thoughts

  One is  What role  men should be playing  and  are we not the same as men that existed 50 or 70 or 100 years ago.  I think we are less as men  in 2020.  We have improved in a few ways  but are severely lacking in other ways.  Improvements made are  in most areas of the world  Women have the right to vote and hold office.  They are becoming  head of corporations.  Many of us men 100$ agree with many of these changes  and improvements.  But  on a personal level I think many of us are lacking. We turned to  porn to "reduce stress"  Sit around watching someone's daughter do all sorts of things on a screen.  Yikes I have 3 daughters  whop are just becoming young ladies.  I cant imagine that I would ever want millions of people watching them on a screen doing those same things.  I would have to call myself the worst failure as a father and a man if they went that direction.  If there is any guilt I have a s an x-porn addict  it was for that very reason. Somewhere  there is a man who  has to live with the knowledge  that his daughter  was on that screen and I somehow played a part in her being there.  If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it does it make a sound.  If  someone performs on a screen and no one watches it  have they put on a show.  We as men today and be either part of the solution or part of the problem. 
  To be part of the solution we can do 2 things  1  find a better stress reduction tool.  mine is going outside for a walk  either through the neighbourhood  or down the local trails (this also had a positive affect on my physical health)
    The other thing is to stand up and  let others know  what is happening in the industry.  Many are going to say  ahhh thats just the way it is    its not my problem  or call you a skeptic or conspiracy theorist  or whatever  but over time  as word gets out and evidence put fourth  change slowly begins to happen.  I again do not believe in  censorship but  at the same time some regulations are always in order.
 
  Here at RN a lot of the motivation is of course pied. and it is something that needs  be addressed.  At the same time if we tackle some of the issues that would lead us  away from porn as being  a big stress reducer of  escape from  our problems we might start to make some  headway towards change

    Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[workinprogressUK]

Reading back through your recent posts, JP, you make a lot of good points. Perhaps the one I can buy-into most easily is that the kind of messages appropriate to the journal of somebody taking their first steps to living without P, might be different to the themes worth exploring once somebody's well advanced on the journey like you are. When somebody gets delivered to the Emergency Ward after getting hit by a car, the physician doesn't start by probing why they were walking down an unlit road in the middle of the night.... they just apply the first aid to stop the blood loss, right? But once we're through the white knuckling, cold turkey and the worst of the withdrawal symptoms, I totally agree with what you're saying below.

"I am actually having to learn a bunch of things I probably should have learned 2 or 3 decades ago  again  better late than never".

I came to realise that my P addiction, and the issues it was numbing me to for so many years, had left me..... "developmentally stunted" in some ways. And some of the personality developments that have happened in the years of attempted recovery have come as a surprise to me and those around me. Like you, I'm playing catch-up, and still learning who I really am  :-[

 

[joepanic]

Hey W.I.P

    What you said makes total sense.  I guess in one way I haven't given much thought to what I write, but in another way I give lots of thought.  I really am at a different place right now  than I was 3 years ago.  Mind you I have  actually discussed some things in  some recent entries more meant for  the person just beginning their fight. It usually has something to do with getting your 90 days in  as that is the mandate  of this site rather than working on relationships right from the get go.  The important thing for new comers is to answer their questions and support and encourage them  in the starting line. I suppose I have done that a few times on others journals from  when they 1st some on the scene  Perhaps I will give this some thought and  sort of let people know who my entry might be aimed at  at the beginning

    Cheers

    Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[joepanic]

I suppose this might be an entry for anyone who is just beginning the fight

          I am quite a ways through my journey gone from almost daily pmo  for hours down to  nothing. The reasons I am still here are

    1  I still have urges  I don't want to let my guard down but I easily control them  Hopefully they will disappear some day. I feel by still  coming here  I can learn more  and have a higher chance of maintaining  my soberness.... if that's a word.

  The other reason is I hope to offer assistance to anyone  who is starting the fight.

  so with that being said  here are a few good reasons to give up porn

      You can hope to eliminate your pied if you suffer from it
      Your  wife  and family will probably  thank you for making the change... if they know about it
      You might find yourself with more energy.... I certainly did as I wasn't up till 5 in the morning beating my meat
      You wont be supporting an  industry that several people have claimed abused them
      You might find time to pursue hobbies you never did before.  I got far better at playing the piano in 2 years than I did in the 10 years
      before
      You might save a career
      You might get better marks in school. I am going to be 50 so it really didn't apply to me but  I did learn to use Microsoft excel
      recently
      You wont feel like shit every time you realized that you just wasted 4 hours  of your time


        The list certainly will go on I'm sure  Anyone want to add to it including their  own experiences with it

    Post often it helps me it helps you 

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Great list, jp. Thoughtful and inspiring. Makes sense to keep coming here if it helps you maintain soberness and helps others maintain theirs as well. Take care!

 

[Phineas 808]

Those are great reasons to stay on, and a reasons to stay away from porn.

Grateful that you're here, joe- and for all that you contribute.

 

[joepanic]

Thanks guys

    You know I think the hardest thing about this is  when the stress kicks in  the 1st thing to enter my mind is perhaps a quick pmo session to manage the stress.  I really wish I could eliminate stress rather than medicate it.  For the most part I am able to work around it.  Dont think the lockdown is helping  these days  but our may soon be coming to an end.  It certainly has being an interesting experience though.  I think  a lot of people have learned a lot about themselves.  Was watching a documentary on one of the major porn sites  and how they say  visits to the site  skyrocketed after the lockdowns started  pretty scary.  For now I just need to slug it out  till things begin to return to normal.  Still wondering if the urges  will ever disappear completely

    Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[Deleted member 17609]

Interesting journal, I?ll keep an eye on it.

Keep it up, you?re doing good.

 

[joepanic]

Feeling pretty good today

      Was talking with the wife last night regarding possible porn blockers  We have 2 young boys aged 7 and 9  they are getting more  savvy on the computers these days  Were looking for something  that might  work on all computers and  be controlled from one  anyone know if something like this is possible?  Anyone currently using  any sort of blockers and how do you find  it?
    Last thing we want is for our little guys to stumble across something  they shouldn't  at that age.  Of course  they may find it elsewhere but  we have to do what we can for now.

      Anyone have any insight on at what age is best for having a talk with them regarding pornography?  We are doing our best to keep them engaged in activities that will help them grow  and be successful. Only time will tell there i suppose.

    For the future  that is where I think a lot more  resources need to be put.  Both to keep our kids on the straight and narrow and  to keep them from  ever getting caught up in that industry.

    Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Hi jp - Any porn blocker service that utilizes the cloud will work on all computers and can be controlled by one, although you will have to install the software on the hard drive of each computer you want to block. From personal experience, I can recommend Qustodio, which can be modified as you see fit via an online account. The account is only accessible with a password, but the software on each computer also cannot be disabled or removed without entering a password, so it can be challenging to get around.

It's not fool-proof, though. Nowadays, it's all too easy to search the web for tips and tutorials on disabling or bypassing porn blocking software. You can adjust the settings in Qustodio to help with that somewhat, but you aren't going to be able prevent your boys from accessing every site on the web where this information appears.

You're right to be concerned for your boys, and it sounds like you are doing the right things to keep them on the right path. Best wishes, friend.

 

[joepanic]

Thanks for the tip  LetitGo

        I think at this point anything is better than nothing  the kids are still pretty young  dont even know what porn is yet  and would have no idea  what a blocker is or how to get around it. If we can keep them from stumbling across it  by accident  I think that would be half the battle.  To me it almost looks like the porn sits would look to advertise anywhere they could  if they could find a way. I'm all\\\for freedom of speech and expression etc. etc. but I also believe very strongly in a parents  freedom to raise their children as they see fit. And if I don't want my kid learning about porn till he is a legal adult I will do everything in my power to make that happen.  An e-mail is being sent off to my local Member of Parliament requesting his views on  the topic of widespread free porn use underage people here in Canada. And if he might make a statement that it is a growing problem  and what the government plans to do about it in the future.  Should be interesting what sort of response I shall receive.

    I do not plan on starting an "anti porn" crusade  But it is obvious that the existing system is not working.


    Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[joepanic]

Rcently I have been inquiring about  porn blockers for our computers  due to us having young boys  A thought just occurred  to me. Does windows not have some sort of way where you can block sites.  I remember it years ago but cant figure out today  how to do it  any advice

      Post often it helps me it helps you