quit for good
- Thread starter joepanic
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joepanic
Respected Member
So I have installed Qustudio onto our systems and I'll now take some time to tweak it it seems reasonably easy to use. I am not so much putting it on there for me but for the kids. Of course it will also remain as a reminder of my new life .
The hardcore porn and the chat rooms are gone. If I stumble across any "p-subs" I have no problem controlling any urges there. I will say that has taken a long time to work through though. Probably the hardest party of my reboot. I say this because a lot of what might be considered p subs are things we see in everyday life. Some may take issue with this but I am a man and I am attracted to certain things So I am not going to run off and slam the door shut on things I may come across. What would I do when going to a beach or public pool. I will admit I do stare a lot less so I suppose that's a good thing. Also my mind doesn't turn to thoughts of going back home and planning my next "session". This I am really excited about. The idea of my reboot was to be able to give up the hours of pmo to hardcore porn sex chats and porn subjects that were not a part of who I am as a person, This I can say I have been very successful with. Of course those who have read my journal on and off will know what other issues I have tackled or overcome to improve myself as a man husband and father.
Basically Qustudio has been set up to generally filter out porn sites and chat sites so at this point it will not be very invasive or restraining in our everyday lives
Ill let you all know how it works for us
Post often it helps me it helps you
The hardcore porn and the chat rooms are gone. If I stumble across any "p-subs" I have no problem controlling any urges there. I will say that has taken a long time to work through though. Probably the hardest party of my reboot. I say this because a lot of what might be considered p subs are things we see in everyday life. Some may take issue with this but I am a man and I am attracted to certain things So I am not going to run off and slam the door shut on things I may come across. What would I do when going to a beach or public pool. I will admit I do stare a lot less so I suppose that's a good thing. Also my mind doesn't turn to thoughts of going back home and planning my next "session". This I am really excited about. The idea of my reboot was to be able to give up the hours of pmo to hardcore porn sex chats and porn subjects that were not a part of who I am as a person, This I can say I have been very successful with. Of course those who have read my journal on and off will know what other issues I have tackled or overcome to improve myself as a man husband and father.
Basically Qustudio has been set up to generally filter out porn sites and chat sites so at this point it will not be very invasive or restraining in our everyday lives
Ill let you all know how it works for us
Post often it helps me it helps you
joepanic
Respected Member
So I was laying in bed last night feeling a bit bummed For some reason the wife cant seem to find time for us these days Everyone else in the family including her hobby of researching family history seems to get her attention. This has happened before but not like it is this time. For the moment I'm going to blame covid. See how it goes over the next few months. But there I was lying in bed and actually thought of getting up and going down to my computer and just surfing some well "you know what" I did not and eventually fell asleep. Its no wonder i woke up rock hard though. Many times in the past I would have waited till I knew she was in la la land and headed down. So this reboot really does work. The brain chemistry must have changed or whatever. I just didn't feel the pull that I once did. It was there of course but not as strong or I have become stronger or something but whatever the case may be it proves how we can change for the better
Still experimenting with qustudio as a "family filter" Will keep everyone posted as to how it works
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Still experimenting with qustudio as a "family filter" Will keep everyone posted as to how it works
Post often it helps me it helps you
Good job not acting on those urges, even with relationship issues giving you the 'perfect excuse'.
Our habits are definitely changing, and we are becoming better people. Unfortunately those around us may not always see these upsides, but- whether they know it or not- they certainly benefit from it, as you yourself do.
Our habits are definitely changing, and we are becoming better people. Unfortunately those around us may not always see these upsides, but- whether they know it or not- they certainly benefit from it, as you yourself do.
joepanic
Respected Member
Last night was somewhat the same but i was successful in controlling things. I think the fact that I list off enough reasons why I shouldn't surf P really helps and one of them these days is how piss poor the industry seems to be run. My conscience seems to win out there and I guess thats a good thing. I have read many articles on the topic and its pretty dammed scary Cant believe I supported that all these years.
All is good though
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All is good though
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joepanic
Respected Member
So I have come to the conclusion I am in a total "funk"(at least that's a word used in Canada
This entry is not so much going to be of any help to anyone new to the reboot process. It may or may not have any relation to any advanced rebooter. It may certainly have some affect on partners and I for sure welcome their feedback or opinions on it weather I agree with them or not But it is for sure a part of my reboot process
So I have given up porn and sex chat I control urges and am not so much affected by triggers They simply exist and I dismiss them pretty much as quick as they appear. Hardcore porn and sex chat not longer negatively affect my life. I have learned other ways to manage stress for the moment not all are always positive but for the most part they are not destructive to me or anyone else. Some examples I exercise more.... Positive but sometimes I sit up watch tv and munch away on some junk food..... negative. But even that is far preferable than surfing porn and beating my meat for hours at a time. I am more focused on some things and of course not supporting a questionable industry. So that's where I am now.
My problem. Now that I have this clear head, can think more clearly and my perception is improved somewhat I am noticing things for what they are that I may not have noticed before. Mainly the sex life between my wife and I. It always bothered me that I had to initiate and I've always let her know that it bothered me. It gave me the feeling that the benefits of us having sex was for me only. So I recently said something to the effect of... and I said this in a gentle way. "I feel almost like I am pushing you into it and I don't want to do that so for the now I'll let you come to me when you want to make love and your ready. Well of course the weeks are sliding by. And I am patiently waiting quietly. But my guess is she has too much other interest in her family history research(Ill pretty much call that an addiction these days) to want to give it up for an hour in the sack. Probably in another week I'll just tell her that I believe the sex part of our marriage is done and find a way to cope and put that part behind me. That way I wont have to sit around waiting and wondering how she really feels about it. I dont think she could ever bring herself to give me an honest answer anyway. So I'll just find away to move forward. The only other thing I can say is at least I have a clean conscience.
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This entry is not so much going to be of any help to anyone new to the reboot process. It may or may not have any relation to any advanced rebooter. It may certainly have some affect on partners and I for sure welcome their feedback or opinions on it weather I agree with them or not But it is for sure a part of my reboot process
So I have given up porn and sex chat I control urges and am not so much affected by triggers They simply exist and I dismiss them pretty much as quick as they appear. Hardcore porn and sex chat not longer negatively affect my life. I have learned other ways to manage stress for the moment not all are always positive but for the most part they are not destructive to me or anyone else. Some examples I exercise more.... Positive but sometimes I sit up watch tv and munch away on some junk food..... negative. But even that is far preferable than surfing porn and beating my meat for hours at a time. I am more focused on some things and of course not supporting a questionable industry. So that's where I am now.
My problem. Now that I have this clear head, can think more clearly and my perception is improved somewhat I am noticing things for what they are that I may not have noticed before. Mainly the sex life between my wife and I. It always bothered me that I had to initiate and I've always let her know that it bothered me. It gave me the feeling that the benefits of us having sex was for me only. So I recently said something to the effect of... and I said this in a gentle way. "I feel almost like I am pushing you into it and I don't want to do that so for the now I'll let you come to me when you want to make love and your ready. Well of course the weeks are sliding by. And I am patiently waiting quietly. But my guess is she has too much other interest in her family history research(Ill pretty much call that an addiction these days) to want to give it up for an hour in the sack. Probably in another week I'll just tell her that I believe the sex part of our marriage is done and find a way to cope and put that part behind me. That way I wont have to sit around waiting and wondering how she really feels about it. I dont think she could ever bring herself to give me an honest answer anyway. So I'll just find away to move forward. The only other thing I can say is at least I have a clean conscience.
Post often it helps me it helps you
I may have overstated my frustrations in the post on my journal but I understand exactly where you are coming from. When it comes to getting the sex life you want stopping the porn and masturbation is important but it?s really just getting you back to zero instead of being in a negative place.
I think you can drastically improve your sex life with your wife but you have to approach it correctly. Talking about it is only going to make it worse. I would advise against making an announcement of any type.
Please get a hold of a book entitled The Married Man?s Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay and basically memorize it. It?s not a quick fix and it basically boils down to making yourself a more attractive partner. Another similar book is The Dead Bedroom Fix. They aren?t easy reads in the sense that there are a lot of painful truths being told but I think they will help. I?d read that book and act on it before any more talk.
I think you can drastically improve your sex life with your wife but you have to approach it correctly. Talking about it is only going to make it worse. I would advise against making an announcement of any type.
Please get a hold of a book entitled The Married Man?s Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay and basically memorize it. It?s not a quick fix and it basically boils down to making yourself a more attractive partner. Another similar book is The Dead Bedroom Fix. They aren?t easy reads in the sense that there are a lot of painful truths being told but I think they will help. I?d read that book and act on it before any more talk.
J
J01
Guest
Here is my feedback on the funk.
Take an interest in her interest. Ask her what she has come across lately, maybe even plan a small road trip to view some "interesting" cemeteries nearby as an aid or encouragement to her research. Do a little planning in secret on your own, maybe even including some favorite take-out food that she likes on the way there or back. Getting in the car is a chance to get out and maybe open up the scope of conversation. Maybe try to understand her motives: maybe she sees a collapsing society around her and is looking for an anchor, some stability in the world. Maybe she is forming a view of how she wants to be known in the future, who knows? Try to get a talk going and be quick to listen and slow to speak-see where she is coming from.
I'm just saying maybe shift the scenario a bit. "Hey, let's hit the rack" isn't the best method or motivator as years go by.
Take an interest in her interest. Ask her what she has come across lately, maybe even plan a small road trip to view some "interesting" cemeteries nearby as an aid or encouragement to her research. Do a little planning in secret on your own, maybe even including some favorite take-out food that she likes on the way there or back. Getting in the car is a chance to get out and maybe open up the scope of conversation. Maybe try to understand her motives: maybe she sees a collapsing society around her and is looking for an anchor, some stability in the world. Maybe she is forming a view of how she wants to be known in the future, who knows? Try to get a talk going and be quick to listen and slow to speak-see where she is coming from.
I'm just saying maybe shift the scenario a bit. "Hey, let's hit the rack" isn't the best method or motivator as years go by.
joepanic
Respected Member
Hey Jixu Thanks for the reading and the feedback
I actually do take a large role in her research going with her to cemeteries libraries etc. or taking the kids for a whole afternoon so she can interview a distant relative in another town. I do most of the cooking here as I'm the better cook etc. Hence why I almost label it an addiction When one keeps the tabs open on a computer so you can at all times glance to see if their is a message. Almost reminds me of our teenagers on their social media.
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I actually do take a large role in her research going with her to cemeteries libraries etc. or taking the kids for a whole afternoon so she can interview a distant relative in another town. I do most of the cooking here as I'm the better cook etc. Hence why I almost label it an addiction When one keeps the tabs open on a computer so you can at all times glance to see if their is a message. Almost reminds me of our teenagers on their social media.
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J
J01
Guest
That is good support by you indeed-hope you can find a balance that both of you agree with!
joepanic
Respected Member
I'm just going to give it some time I think. Have a few projects that need to be finished up hopefully our lockdowns come to an end and winter too comes to an end. Will see how it goes
It seems in our world one must make a choice between suffering in silence and having a fight. I know its a bit cynical but sometimes that's the way it plays out.
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It seems in our world one must make a choice between suffering in silence and having a fight. I know its a bit cynical but sometimes that's the way it plays out.
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joepanic
Respected Member
Another couple of quiet days Still have the urges sometimes to go to chat But I look back and realize how artificial it all was. So many memories lodged in my brain I wonder what it will take to bury them someday. Some mornings I wake up with one and some nights... usually on the weekends I lay in bed with them. Last night it happened again but I never got up just laid in bed till I fell asleep next to my sleeping wife. Feel ok but maybe it time to think about a sexless marriage and how I will work around that. Well rebooters who have experienced this how do you plan to handle it. Partners who have decided that your not interested in sex for any reason how are you helping your partner accept and cope with it
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joepanic
Respected Member
Saved by Valentines day
I realize I am probably getting off track here and falling into the "relationship issue" trap pretty much breaking my own rules. But I suppose reading other's journals sometimes throws me off on tangents. Gonna have to really think about that a little more
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I realize I am probably getting off track here and falling into the "relationship issue" trap pretty much breaking my own rules. But I suppose reading other's journals sometimes throws me off on tangents. Gonna have to really think about that a little more
Post often it helps me it helps you
I think something that is difficult to work with as both partner and addict go through in this situation is how important communication is in resolving the cycle that is in place. I can only speak from my experience. But my husband was living inside his head. The more he watched the more he decided I did not want sex. And he did not treat me as he did before. The only time he hugged or kissed me was when he wanted sex. He did not talk. As an evening would go and I would go to bed, he would he wasn?t tired. Then he would check and make sure I was asleep and have happy hand time. And at least when he got in his fifties he found he could not have orgasms twice a day so he gave me up. Because he thought I did not want sex. He never asked, he never discussed it. When I would initiate, his response was did he miss a signal. So after I discovered his use and we started this whole journey we sat down and figured it out. SoI guess I would say ask her. Ask in a way that you indicate you really need to talk. It does help.
joepanic
Respected Member
Been there done that Gracie
I have always been a good communicator It is her I have discovered doesn't easily communicate. It is not only the topic of our sex lives where there is trouble communicating. Be it finances the kids time management space management it doesn't matter. If the topic isn't going in the direction she would prefer than it's shut down the conversation or worse lead me into a point where I get upset and shut it down being the bad guy. She is highly intelligent. Someday I would like to ask her what really happened in her 1st marriage that lasted less than 4 years. But that is an off limits topic other than that I have heard her side of that story. Did I ever mention she admits to having control issues? I'm sure maybe 3 or 4 times its come up in this journal.
" The more he watched the more he decided I did not want sex. And he did not treat me as he did before. The only time he hugged or kissed me was when he wanted sex. He did not talk. As an evening would go and I would go to bed, he would he wasn?t tired. Then he would check and make sure I was asleep and have happy hand time. And at least when he got in his fifties he found he could not have orgasms twice a day so he gave me up. Because he thought I did not want sex. He never asked, he never discussed it. When I would initiate, his response was did he miss a signal."
Your statement from above is an interesting one. But it in no way describes me. I understand it is your experience. If I went down to surf porn and as you describe it have "happy hand time" well I can assure you there is no happiness about it. Its like putting a band aid on a cut that should have stitches after you have spoken with the Dr. I can assure you when I went down it was not as a choice between having sex with my wife or pixels on a screen. The 1st 20 or so odd years was when I was in shear loneliness and as a coping mechanism. It sure beat hating women who treated me like shit because I wasn't a long hair rebel. yada yada yada. By the time of my marriage of course I was in the throws of an addiction. But never once did I chose porn over my wife. I must have said this 20 times in this journal. The fact is usually ignored though.
Quite frankly and I'm not afraid to admit this.... My journal has become ore about relationships than porn addiction and rebooting as are a great many others. I cant tell you how difficult this made rebooting. Its a wonder I didn't walk away and find another forum that was reboot based only.
As Always I welcome your opinion weather I like it or not. There is always a chance I might learn something.
Post often it helps me it helps you
I have always been a good communicator It is her I have discovered doesn't easily communicate. It is not only the topic of our sex lives where there is trouble communicating. Be it finances the kids time management space management it doesn't matter. If the topic isn't going in the direction she would prefer than it's shut down the conversation or worse lead me into a point where I get upset and shut it down being the bad guy. She is highly intelligent. Someday I would like to ask her what really happened in her 1st marriage that lasted less than 4 years. But that is an off limits topic other than that I have heard her side of that story. Did I ever mention she admits to having control issues? I'm sure maybe 3 or 4 times its come up in this journal.
" The more he watched the more he decided I did not want sex. And he did not treat me as he did before. The only time he hugged or kissed me was when he wanted sex. He did not talk. As an evening would go and I would go to bed, he would he wasn?t tired. Then he would check and make sure I was asleep and have happy hand time. And at least when he got in his fifties he found he could not have orgasms twice a day so he gave me up. Because he thought I did not want sex. He never asked, he never discussed it. When I would initiate, his response was did he miss a signal."
Your statement from above is an interesting one. But it in no way describes me. I understand it is your experience. If I went down to surf porn and as you describe it have "happy hand time" well I can assure you there is no happiness about it. Its like putting a band aid on a cut that should have stitches after you have spoken with the Dr. I can assure you when I went down it was not as a choice between having sex with my wife or pixels on a screen. The 1st 20 or so odd years was when I was in shear loneliness and as a coping mechanism. It sure beat hating women who treated me like shit because I wasn't a long hair rebel. yada yada yada. By the time of my marriage of course I was in the throws of an addiction. But never once did I chose porn over my wife. I must have said this 20 times in this journal. The fact is usually ignored though.
Quite frankly and I'm not afraid to admit this.... My journal has become ore about relationships than porn addiction and rebooting as are a great many others. I cant tell you how difficult this made rebooting. Its a wonder I didn't walk away and find another forum that was reboot based only.
As Always I welcome your opinion weather I like it or not. There is always a chance I might learn something.
Post often it helps me it helps you
joepanic
Respected Member
Things seem a little better at the moment But wife still ensures that she will not initiate sex never really has and I don't think ever will. Other than once about 7 years ago Turns out she got pregnant with our 5th child. Hmmmm In a previous posting Gracie told me her story of how her husband "never asked" So at least we have something in common. The term go downstairs and have "happy hand time"..... rather than chose her. I can see how that would break her self esteem terribly. Since my wife doesn't "ask" me for sex I too can say it breaks my self esteem. All I can say as I have done my part in becoming a better person. I told her a while back I was giving up porn. To her its neither here nor there if someone watches it. Basically I told her that I'm not sure I can support an industry that doesn't seem well regulated and I wanted to do other things with my time. Basically I have quit for my own reasons.
Now why I am still here even though I am clean.
I still get triggers and urges not as strong or as often as before but too many thoughts about going to surf it are still in my head It was far too big a part of my life and I am still trying to build a healthy life with healthy habits and so on. Problem was I s I had fallen so far behind in building these habits its hard to catch up now. It can be a bit discouraging at times realizing how old in some ways I have become(I'll be 50 in a few weeks) Porn filled the voids left from not having a good mentor in life. Being shy around girls. Having a learning disability in grade school that was never properly addressed. It can be done. I am addressing some of these things now. The most important thing is to get those 90 days in clean and than begin the rest of the healing and healthy lifestyle building. I believe in some ways it might be easier to address some of these issues due to the amount of online info available that we didnt have 20 or even 10 years ago
Learn all you can it might help you
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Now why I am still here even though I am clean.
I still get triggers and urges not as strong or as often as before but too many thoughts about going to surf it are still in my head It was far too big a part of my life and I am still trying to build a healthy life with healthy habits and so on. Problem was I s I had fallen so far behind in building these habits its hard to catch up now. It can be a bit discouraging at times realizing how old in some ways I have become(I'll be 50 in a few weeks) Porn filled the voids left from not having a good mentor in life. Being shy around girls. Having a learning disability in grade school that was never properly addressed. It can be done. I am addressing some of these things now. The most important thing is to get those 90 days in clean and than begin the rest of the healing and healthy lifestyle building. I believe in some ways it might be easier to address some of these issues due to the amount of online info available that we didnt have 20 or even 10 years ago
Learn all you can it might help you
Post often it helps me it helps you
joepanic
Respected Member
Got out for a good 5km walk this morning (not sure how accurate Samsung health pedometer is on my phone) and it felt quite good. This is something I used to do a year ago when I was really becoming successful in he fight. So Now I am using it to continue my growth. Building healthy habits was a big part of my reboot. I found that just avoiding porn and counting the days was not going to work. I needed to fill that time with something that would 1 keep me from stumbling across triggers and 2 I used the time walking to think about why porn was bad for me and look for things that would benefit me. Reinforcement if you will It helped me big time.
Gonna get on with my day I am somewhat more motivated today than I was in recent days
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Gonna get on with my day I am somewhat more motivated today than I was in recent days
Post often it helps me it helps you
joepanic
Respected Member
Looks like I'm getting back onto a bit of schedule that I'd been missing since Christmas. This time of year I am off work for a few months and spend the time catching up on taxes for our business etc. But for a while I was sitting up watching tv till the wee hours of the morning. Taken a bit of time on reading how to be healthier and of course proper sleep plays a fairly large role in that. Problem is is sleep "cramps my style" . We are so busy around here never much downtime.
For a few weeks now I have been experimenting with Qstudio as a porn filter. So far it seems ok. Sometimes I will click open a website and it will say qstudio blocked it and all i do is refresh the page and it comes on but never for a porn site or any specific site that I has blocked (you can block individual sites not considered part of a blanket topic... topics include porn gambling violence etc.
Not sure if this sort of program would work for someone new trying to block porn other than to set it up with a random password that your sure not to remember eg. dutyngpdiudenfcldkdhddkdhdflfhd sealing it in an emvelope and asking someone you trust to hold onto it. or placing it somewhere that it is not easy to obtain. It might help you break past a small record for someone who has fallen into the pattern of tripping up after 6 days or 9 days or something like that. That might give one the time to think and come up with a better defense strategy. In my opinion anything is worth a try.
Post often it helps me it helps you
For a few weeks now I have been experimenting with Qstudio as a porn filter. So far it seems ok. Sometimes I will click open a website and it will say qstudio blocked it and all i do is refresh the page and it comes on but never for a porn site or any specific site that I has blocked (you can block individual sites not considered part of a blanket topic... topics include porn gambling violence etc.
Not sure if this sort of program would work for someone new trying to block porn other than to set it up with a random password that your sure not to remember eg. dutyngpdiudenfcldkdhddkdhdflfhd sealing it in an emvelope and asking someone you trust to hold onto it. or placing it somewhere that it is not easy to obtain. It might help you break past a small record for someone who has fallen into the pattern of tripping up after 6 days or 9 days or something like that. That might give one the time to think and come up with a better defense strategy. In my opinion anything is worth a try.
Post often it helps me it helps you
joepanic
Respected Member
125 guests this morning and 1 user
Ladies and gentlemen who have come to visit our little community, if you are suffering from the effects of too much porn perhaps consider joining us and telling us your story. Many here have found success in kicking their porn habits/addictions. We are finding life has so much more to offer. The struggle is real. There is much info on the internet. And lots of arguments back and fourth as to weather porn addiction can be considered a real addiction or not. At the same time your probably here because porn is somehow negatively affecting your life. Is it going to affect you negatively if you anonymously tell your story. You will find you are not alone. Maybe you will find help here maybe not. All I can say is after a 35 year long what in my opinion I consider to be an addiction or compulsion that was negatively affecting my life I no longer watch porn and go to chat sites. I have found a happier life and a more productive life.
post often it helps me it helps you
Ladies and gentlemen who have come to visit our little community, if you are suffering from the effects of too much porn perhaps consider joining us and telling us your story. Many here have found success in kicking their porn habits/addictions. We are finding life has so much more to offer. The struggle is real. There is much info on the internet. And lots of arguments back and fourth as to weather porn addiction can be considered a real addiction or not. At the same time your probably here because porn is somehow negatively affecting your life. Is it going to affect you negatively if you anonymously tell your story. You will find you are not alone. Maybe you will find help here maybe not. All I can say is after a 35 year long what in my opinion I consider to be an addiction or compulsion that was negatively affecting my life I no longer watch porn and go to chat sites. I have found a happier life and a more productive life.
post often it helps me it helps you
E
escapeandnevercomeback
Guest
joepanic said:
That's right, man! I invite people to come here if they think they have a problem with porn. This is the best forum-type place I've found so far, based on how people are around here. There is this positive vibe. But I've seen some users that used to post regularly and now they are not anymore around here and based on the way they left, I'm not sure they are actually done with porn. I'm not new to Reboot Nation, I've been following it since 2018.
And congratulations for feeling that porn doesn't have the chain around you anymore. This is great news. After years and years of being affected by this, it's a victory to be free.