quit for good

[joepanic]

Day 27    all is good  I guess my journal is a bit boring these days but that is probably a good thing  no urges  no withdrawal symptoms  not affected by any triggers  I think I finally got this  the year of learning  and long spells of being clean have probably allowed me to  begin living how I envisioned my life  and for me that is the real goal  The goal is no longer to not be addicted to porn but to live the life I want to live  Porn no longer exists in my world    This lastest clean streak seems to be different  in that I don't feel any urges and  am not affected by triggers  flatlines  or any other anxieties      the finish line to this race is  near  Time to start planning for the next  challenge

      Post often it helped me it will help you

 

[joepanic]

Day 28 it is    wow  its been a month  and perfectly clean  not an urge not a trigger  once again it feels to easy but that cant be the worst thing    I think the most important thing is aside from no p I am living the life I want to live  enjoying the hobbies  becoming a more challenging person all the way around  in so many words  opening myself up  to challenging the world  to prove me wrong  I guess its a sort of strength  I am gaining  feels good for sure  gonna start out the day with a slightly tougher workout  I have been seeing a few results in my physique  and the wife has def noticed that  and commented a few times  my working out has also got her moving again too  so were sort of feeding off each other    Will def build upon this

        Post often it helped me it will help you

 

[joepanic]

Day 29

              got up a bit earlier  and got right on to the workout  Its the end of the year and  with tomorrow being a holiday lots to do today  so should be a good day indeed  Looked over a few journals and came across Changmylife's Jan challenge in the all topics related to rebooting  from porn  for a "porn free January"  I signed up with him  back when he proposed it so I encourage all to join in with those of us who are signed up for it  Lets do it together
  I must say at the moment as I have no triggers affecting me  and no urges whatsoever  as well as no withdrawal symptoms  I still wonder if at some point they will kick in  I of course have been here before having actually achieved  way over 100 days clean before having a relapse  I don't even recall why I slipped back    The difference in using during that short period  was that it lasted a few weeks was very disjointed in my use  none of the old patterns  long sessions or high levels of fetish and kink  as before I began  my reboot  There were even times in those few weeks where I would begin to use and than stop  and walk away  asking myself " why am I bothering with this " and go and do something productive  It was those feeling I believe which easily allowed me to  stop  using again  not because I felt porn is bad(which we are finding out for 99% of people it is)  But because I wanted to go play guitar or go and buy lunch and read the paper like I enjoyed 25 years ago  I guess I am replacing new habits with the old ones  finding the person I used to be  and becoming that person again


        Post often it helped me it will help you

 

[switched_off]

Hi Joe - thanks for commenting on my journal which directed me towards yours. I agree we have a lot of similarities in our story, and it was interesting to read about your thoughts on relapse, handling your libido and trying to change the way you think/ re-act when you are faced with triggers.

Best wishes for 2019 and your continued progress towards the person you want to be!

 

[joepanic]

30 days free

          Hey Switched off  thanks for reading and keeping in touch  I made a month and have never felt better  Hit a small trigger this evening  while watching a tv show  and  sort of shook my head for a moment  it lasted perhaps 3 or 4 seconds at best  and was totally gone again  sort of a strange feeling  and I can say at last what it really feels like to have a trigger after 30 days of being clean and not having any urges or triggers    Cant say that it really even bothered me in any way
anyway  its late so I'm going to do some reading  and  think things over as to how I can improve on my small success

    good luck and we will def keep in touch

          Post often it helped me it will help you

 

[joepanic]

Day 31        Just checked in with the guys for the January Challenge  looking forward to completing it  Feeling pretty good this morning although a little tired    but getting ready to workout and spend the day post Christmas  clean up  and try to learn one new scale  so off to do some reading  will pop in later


          Post often it helped me it will help you

 

[joepanic]

Starting Day 32    A good day yesterday  keeping busy  and  no urges or triggers  felt  I guess it helps that we canceled cable tv years ago and never bothered with Netflix or anything like that  I have a facebook account but it was never one of my active searching  issues  never used Instagram or  such programs  mmy big addiction I suppose would be watching music (usually live) on youtube  But time to get workout going  running a few minutes ;late this morning


      Post often it helped me it will help you

 

[Rex]

Starting Day 32    A good day yesterday  keeping busy  and  no urges or triggers  felt  I guess it helps that we canceled cable tv years ago and never bothered with Netflix or anything like that  I have a facebook account but it was never one of my active searching  issues  never used Instagram or  such programs  mmy big addiction I suppose would be watching music (usually live) on youtube  But time to get workout going  running a few minutes ;late this morning


      Post often it helped me it will help you

joepanic,

Great work reaching your second month free from PMO and continuing to remain vigilant! The first month is always the hardest, you have passed that hurdle. Just keep looking forward, keep yourself busy and the days will continue to pass moving you closer to a your new life free from PMO.

 

[joepanic]

Hey Rex  Thanks for the encouragement  it is always welcome  as each day goes by I'm sure I feel a little more confident  that I have left this behind  its no longer a question of "if" I can leave it behind  but more how long will it be before I believe I have left it 100% behind    At this point I believe it could be as long as staying clean for a year or longer  but that might change as I find I am doing the things I always wanted to do and  having them become 2nd nature


    Post often it helped me it will help you

 

[Rex]

Hey Rex  Thanks for the encouragement  it is always welcome  as each day goes by I'm sure I feel a little more confident  that I have left this behind  its no longer a question of "if" I can leave it behind  but more how long will it be before I believe I have left it 100% behind    At this point I believe it could be as long as staying clean for a year or longer  but that might change as I find I am doing the things I always wanted to do and  having them become 2nd nature


    Post often it helped me it will help you

joepanic,

I does get easier, I am a 3 decade PMO addict. Best past reboot I had was 28 days back in early 2017.  Today I am 100 days free from PMO. I never thought that possible. The first 30 days on my current reboot were the hardest.  The second month got easier and some time between 50-60 days, I noticed things got markable easier where my brain began to adjust to the new normal.  Now I am on autopilot and it's more natural for me to stay away from the triggers, stay vigilant, and have the daily prayer life which has been a key to me staying away from PMO.  You will be tempted and the urges will continue however as time passes the urges and temptations have less pull and are so much easier to say "NO" to.  The problem that you will have are the rationalizations that pop into your head such as "you have done well, one little fall to PMO won't hurt you", don't fall for this it's a big trap.  Or when you run into setbacks or stress in your life, family, work, etc. along the way and you feel the urge to use PMO as a crutch to handle the pain or stress of these type of events, don't fall for it. 

You are doing great, keep up the great work!

 

[joepanic]

Hey Rex  I too am a 30 year addict  and my longest clean streak was when I discovered this  forum in Dec 2017  I managed about 4 months  straight  before allowing myself to slip  my story is a bit different than most here in that I never once experienced pied or any other physical side effect  I than bounced in and out of it  for a few months with very limited use and another clean streak  of  several weeks  before slipping for  about a week  and than on to this present streak    this one I feel very  strong  and confident    I also differ from most in as much as I was a heavy user  I never experienced any pied  or PE or DE or anything like that  I tried to stop hundreds of times over the last  30 years  even as a teenager I would bury  the magazines I had only to dig them up a week later  I would delete my chat accounts only to open up new ones a week later  delete all my fav photos  and go searching a week later and rebuild the collection  all the  time wishing I wouldn't  over and over again  I didn't think about porn while making love to my wife  I never denied her  it was usually me who was hearing "'I'm tired"  exc  to which I would than go down and do some surfing  myself  Please don't get me wrong  I would never blame her for it  but  I wanted some relief so of course I went and got it    At the end of the day I came to the conclusion that  I wasted way to much time on it and  did not  pursue my real hobbies  to which I am now working pretty hard on with good success    My wife doesn't know the extent of my addiction    She only knows that  I would surf a little p from time to time  like most guys did    As of recent I told her that I don't bother with it anymore  because I have the space  to practice music    The other reason I had for quitting was reading last year about pied  and I better quit before  it's too late  I feel I've  been given a 2nd chance here and I better take it    My marriage is too good to  take a chance on mucking up


      Post often it helped me it will help you

 

[changemylife]

I tried to stop hundreds of times over the last  30 years  even as a teenager I would bury  the magazines I had only to dig them up a week later  I would delete my chat accounts only to open up new ones a week later  delete all my fav photos  and go searching a week later and rebuild the collection  all the  time wishing I wouldn't  over and over again 

This reminds me of that porn blocker I've installed in the past. Of course, I did it after relapsing, when the urges had calmed down but as soon as the strong urges hit me, I uninstalled the blocker right away, with trembling hands, the uninstalling was taking too long hahaha! It's crazy.

 

[joepanic]

Day 33  got up feeling good with good morning wood  too bad the wife was down for maintenance

    Yesterday was  a really good day  and the scale today showed  that my efforts at working out/exercise  and eating right are showing  some success  Not much to journal on at the moment perhaps after some reading  we shall wee

        Post often it helped me it will help you

 

[Pcpowder]

Wow, what a journey, i just read all 8 pages. Congratulations JJ and thank you all who participated in his journal for the last few years

This was exactly what I needed to read today is that I am only on day 7.  Most of the journal's that are at the top of the forum are newbies (like myself) and people who have relapsed and still struggling.  I was just thinking to myself last night, why have I not seen many success stories?  Does this really work and is this really the issue?  It was probably my brain trying to rationalize any type of fix i would give it  P, PMO, MO, fantasy anything.... 

Thanks again.  only a few more hours and day 7 will come to a close and i look forward to a successful day 8 and day 800. 

Thanks again all!

 

[joepanic]

Hey Pc

      thanks for taking an interest in my progress  There have been a few ups and down  but for the most part its been a huge improvement  in my life and outlook  this is my 3rd serious reboot attempt in just over  a year  and I feel more confident  I think thats because of the huge amount  of reading and educating myself I have done  My porn use was probably down by 80%  compared to the year before  and 2019 is shaping up to either be better or the best as in not using it period    I believe i did ready  ande comment on your journal although I cant quite remember the details  will have to have a 2nd look  As to your question  I believe it really does work  Its just very difficult to judge a timeline  I know a few of the guys  say a reboot in not a straight line and I agree with them    a curvy and hilly road still lead you home  just might take a little longer    keep up for day 8  and I'll pop in and say hi

    post often it helped me it will help you

 

[BigMog]

I tried to stop hundreds of times over the last  30 years  even as a teenager I would bury  the magazines I had only to dig them up a week later  I would delete my chat accounts only to open up new ones a week later  delete all my fav photos  and go searching a week later and rebuild the collection  all the  time wishing I wouldn't  over and over again 

This reminds me of that porn blocker I've installed in the past. Of course, I did it after relapsing, when the urges had calmed down but as soon as the strong urges hit me, I uninstalled the blocker right away, with trembling hands, the uninstalling was taking too long hahaha! It's crazy.

Hi, thanks for sharing, I can relate to both of these too. As a teenager I once had to make an excuse to my mother as to why I was rummaging in the dustbin! (I think it's "garbage-can" for US readers!). More recently, I've wasted hours trying to find p. even when I've not had access to a password to disable a blocker or filter. As you said, changemylife,  it's crazy!

I hope just by writing this down it will slightly reinforce my awareness of how crazy it is and help me continue with sober behaviour.

Keep to the winning ways!

 

[joepanic]

Good morning  Day 34 here  another good day yesterday

                              I find that the more reading I do  the more its sinking in  that its just no good  Porn in 2018 isnt  what it was 30 years ago on old vhs tapes and I think that might be part of the problem  It isnt  so much about  just having sex on camera now  its all about the fetish and niche  topics  and our need to also fill the curiosity  and find a new reality  I think when I came to that conclusion it  really opened my eyes  and made it easier to say this is wrong  its not real life    The more reading I have done the stronger i get in this fight


      POst often it helped me it will help you

 

[joepanic]

Day 35

            Went out last night  to see a friend's band play live music  in a local club.  Have not seen him or his band in some time.  Was also almost an experiment  in that  there were going to be potential triggers "girls in a club"  and of course there were triggers.    How I handled it....  I mad a plan of what I would do when I got home  ensuring  that  there wold still be someone up "my wife"  and knowing that my teenager daughter would be coming home from the movies  and pizza with her cousin and friends  shortly after so I knew  things would still be busy around the house.  Now with that been said  there were only a few triggers  because I was able to easily concentrate on spending time with friends who I haven't had a chance to  spend time with  much over the last several years due to many factors (mostly non p related    work schedule,  married life,  exc).  This made me feel pretty good about myself and way more confident  with conversing socially than before.  I attribute my  reboot process over the last who year for this.  So in the end I know some  triggers are not going to affect me but  other ones I do not know yet as I have no  experience with them yet  I'm going to give this some more thought today and come and post later

    Post often it helped me it will help you

 

[joepanic]

Day 36  a good morning again  no triggers no urges  been chasing the wife around the house  again  she really seems to enjoy that  makes us both feel younger    Had a good solid workout this morning and a day full of things to do  Got my wife to start teaching me to  enter data into the computer for our business  My brainfog is all gone  and I have more confidence to learn new things  A really good feeling  for sure    Seems to be lots of topics to read about here these days and offer up insight and gain ideas from  I do find this always helps    will be around a bit later  cheers

      Post often it helped me it will help you

 

[joepanic]

Day 37  Another good day beginning  did I lighter workout this morning as I really busted my but yesterday morning  so this morning was more to just keep moving and loosen up  not stress myself or reach an unatainable goal  I must say  I am now finding it easier each day to  not think about p  really the only time it enters my mind at the moment is when I am here  but  being here has allowed me to changing my thinking on p  Have done much reading on it  some really makes sense some is just rhetoric  and  people venting  but that is also very important

    There has been much talk  on and off since I began my reboot regarding disclosing  ones addiction  how to go about it    when  and to who  exc    Ive been told many of times that you must  disclose it to be free from it  In my story  my wife knew I searched a little porn before we  ever got serious.  I never hid from her that i looked at it over the years and she was fine with it    One of the reasons given for disclosing a porn addiction to a spouse  was "she should have the right to know  who else has been "sharing her husband"  and "who he has been getting off with" an interesting point for sure    My reasons over the years for surfing it were mainly loneliness  and boredom  lack of attn from gals growing up.  It was a good way of coping  and not hating on gals  for the way I was treated    I believe in my case I have basically disclosed  the fact that I was surfing porn.  I have also recently  informed her that it no longer interests me  to bother with it as I have  her (she has sent me many photos of herself  and loved posing  for me when I took some).  During this addiction I always made sure to put her 1st  never  chose the porn over her  or family.  I woiuld chase her around the house  when we 1st got together and I still do to this day    Never have I pushed to enact a porn scene while we were making love and both of us have been guilty of checking out members of the opposite sex while out and about(more me than her of course)  We are married not monks nuns  or dead    we always did it in fun  Were a little old fashioned  as were getting close on to 50 years of age  old ideas like "it doesnt matter where you get an appetite as long as your dining at home"  an old saying that came down through both our families  For better or for worse  this is a direction we will probably continue on in  Just mine side will no longer include pixels  and at this point  far less "noticing" while out in the world    We do belong to a Germanic club  in out city(Think Oktoberfest but  throughout most of the year)  The ladies where dresses  that shall we say  show more than the average dress  my wife included  So for me this is about giving  up something that wasted too many of my hours  and kept me from pursuing  some hobbies and interests  and losing  what could have been a much more productive social and professional life

        Post often it helped me it will help you