Better Run than Fap

[rnnr]

Stayed at home. PMOd. Twice.

Want to switch off my phone and get lost.

Triggers:

stayed at home and did not go out to work in a cafe,
negative self-talk about my freelance web-dev career,
looked at FB and Instagram photos of my new young female friends,
procrastinated on my web-dev projects ? clients got angry.

I need a rest.

When people have some expectations about me, I get stressed out.

But I am the one who builds these expectations.

Am I not reliable?

Can I deliver what I promised? Can I walk the walk?

 

[rnnr]

Really close to a nervous breakdown.

 

[JasonGuitar]

Can you create a structure similar to your 9-3 job for your own work? I work remotely, but I'm not self employed. However I also have to make a hard stop to avoid working late, or all night, on weekends, etc. It helps me to sit down every morning and write out what I want to get done that day, and prioritize things. That way I can see what my day looks like, and I can plan accordingly. I don't limit it to work, I put errands I need to run, trips to the store...whatever it might be. If you make a plan and stick to it, it will help.

It will also help you set realistic expectations for yourself and your clients. I am a big believer in under-promise and over-deliver. I tell a client I will have something to them by the end of the week. If they push back, I say Wednesday, and they'll accept it. If they don't push back, I still target Wednesday. That way if something else comes up or it takes longer than expected, I have until the end of the week, but if I can hit Wednesday, then I've gotten it to them early.

Going to the cafe seems to be key for you in not being tempted at home. Are there other places you can go besides the cafe? Restaurants with wifi, other coffee shops or cafes? When I start to feel cooped up at home, I will go to any number of places near me to work for a few hours.

As far as the relapsing, it will happen and it's okay. The positive way to look at it is that you are doing it way less than you were before. It is a positive step. I think if you are able to get more structured and organized about work, you will find you have less time for PMO. Maybe look at picking up another hobby? Take a cooking class, or something like that. Branch out and try something new. I have to direct my energy to other things to avoid falling back in to old habits.

 

[rnnr]

Day 1. 7:28

I am the one who created this stress by thinking negative thoughts.

I am the one who can choose what thoughts to think.

Porn is the reason why I feel depressed and stay at home alone.

I am not alone in this struggle.

I believe that the powers greater than me can help me if I ask.

Somehow I managed to stay PMO-free for 31 days -- these were the happiest days this year.

Just need to believe, loosen control and let the greater powers help me.

 

[rnnr]

Yesterday I stayed at home for the whole day. Watched YouTube videos, films, and TV series. I used to think that this kind of activities can relax me. But they don't. I did not eat much yesterday and felt really low on mental and physical energy.

I found out that this is my way to punish myself for my faults and underdelivering. Yesterday I was overwhelmed with feelings of fear and guilt. I know that these feelings are counterproductive. They do not make any sense.

How can I feel happy when I am not meeting expectations that people have of me?

It seems that this is the strategy that I used since my childhood. I tried to please my parents with good grades at school. And when I had bad grades I used to beat myself up with negative self-talk.

Need a way to rewrite this strategy somehow.

I know that my friends enjoy my company, they like me. And it is silly to think that I am not good enough to be accepted by my friends. And in these times of low energy, I should not stay at home alone but go out and talk to my friends and try to help them. When I see that I can do something for others, it helps me feel that I am not useless, I am not alone.

I ran less than 3 km today and three previous days in a row. My mind deluded me with a thought that 6 km is too much.

Should get back to my regular 6 km distance.

No need to beat myself up. Just stop it.

I can choose to feel happy every day.

I am not alone.

 

[rnnr]

Day 2. 9:41

Today I ran 9.7 km in the morning. Part of that distance I ran with my young female friend (18 y.o.). Found out that I tend to seek her attention and approval. It seems to be my habit, my behavioral strategy with women. When a pretty woman pays attention to me, I want her to give her all time and attention to me. And I tend to become upset when she ignores me.

I feel far more confident when I am alone deliberately and am not seeking for women's attention. Need to learn how to be friends with women and not seek to be something more than just friends with them. I recall, some difficulties with women used to begin when I fell in love with them BEFORE they fell in love with me.

During my last successful 31 days of NoFap I developed a really good system to keep me away from P. No need to reinvent the bicycle. Just need to stick to those habits that I have already developed:

1. Run 5+ km every morning. Listen to fun music while running. -- Less than 5 km is not acceptable.
2. Work from a cafe. -- Working from home alone is not acceptable.
3. Spend time with my friends in the evening. -- Staying home alone is not acceptable.
4. Focus on my goals and NOT on how to get attention from women.
5. Post an update on this forum every day.

It seems that my ex-girlfriend wants to get me back. She is 6 years older than me. Really nice looking and a kind woman. We lived together for 6 months last year. We broke up because I did not find a way to accept and love her child. Her daughter is a really annoying kid.

She lives in another town where I do not have many friends. And if we start living together I might lose the social circle that I built this year.

I did not PMO even once when I lived with her (6 months PMO free). Sex with her was regular and we both enjoyed it. But I missed emotional connection with her. She does not talk much. But she always listens to what I have to say.

I am not sure if we can have a happy future with her and her daughter together.

These thoughts about my ex-girlfriend make me lose my focus. It's an open loop that takes energy from my mind. Just need to make a decision.

I do not want to move to that town. And she does not want to move to the town I live in now. And she will not accept casual sex without obligations. She wants a family, wants to live together.

I am staying here. Do not want to lose the social circle that helps me get PMO-free.

 

[JasonGuitar]

You CAN choose to be happy every day. I learned this lesson from my 11 year old. She is a sassy kid, and she knows that life isn't always fantastic, but she is almost always positive and upbeat. She chooses to be happy every day. She has taught me to be that way, and if I find myself thinking negative thoughts, whether about myself or someone or something, I just think of her and switch my mind over to a positive feeling. If anything, just taking my mind off of what's bothering me and thinking about something that makes me happy. I have applied that to my work too, and it has helped a lot. I used to hate my job, but I realized it was ME, not the job. Now I don't let myself get into negative patterns at work or engage in negative talk with coworkers. I tend to always try to find a positive spin on things and it helps me and those around me.

Your system sounds like a good one! I really feel that if you can stick to it, you'll be successful. And if you falter, get back on the bicycle, so to speak, and just keep going with it. Slipping and MOing or PMOing once is not nearly as bad as slipping and then falling back into the pattern all together, stopping coming to this forum, etc. Slips may happen, but all you can do is get back on track afterwards.

I can understand the situation with the ex. What makes her daughter annoying? Are there other reasons you two didn't or couldn't work, other than geography? Completely shaking those feelings about an ex or past relationship can be hard, and can definitely take time. Especially if there is not someone new in the picture at the moment.

 

[ddmmyyyy]

Hey rnnr,

sorry to read about your slip and your rough times. But good to see, that you are back on track again! Your previous progress is definitely not lost. I've been following your journal from the beginning and its been - and still is (!) - an inspiration for me as well. I can relate to quite some things here.
I too had a few very bad days around the 1 month mark. And I know your situation of being self-employed and its pitfalls (danger of working at home, a lot responsibility, making your own schedule and sticking to it without too much procrastination, not enough social interaction at times...). I too have been on the edge of a nervous breakdown a few times, when I had huge projects ahead. And PMOed instead of taken care of it, making it even more stressful. Time in nature and meditation helped me to calm down in those times.
Last but not least, your situation with women - how you seek their approval too much - rings a bell as well...

But the way you reflect on your progress as well as on your setbacks tells me, that you're bound to succeed. All of your five points make a lot of sense. However, I wanted to add that point 3 sounds very ambitious! If you are working out all day and pressuring yourself permanently to also spend your evenings with friends all the time, this might get very exhausting in the long run I guess. When I have a week with very much social activity, I usually absolutely need some time for myself as well. Some chilling at home. So I think it might be important to find a way to spend time at home while still feeling save from PMO.

Another thing I thought a lot about for the last 2 days was your closing comment "I can choose to feel happy every day". In the past, I used to beat myself up a lot for not being as happy as I should be. Because I always had a roof over my head, a caring family and great friends. I neither can't complain about my intelligence nor about my looks. Still, when I tried to tell myself to simply be happier because of what I have, it never worked. For me, the conclusion seems to be, that I actually don't have control about how I feel. But I do have control about what I do. So when I feel good or bad, I can try to find out what led to this emotions and act accordingly in the future. Which is, as I see it, very different from trying to influence my emotions directly by saying to myself "I will be happy today". And I think, that everyone inevitably has some very bad days from time to time. You can't have the good without the bad. Accepting bad days and bad emotions, while trying to do things that might make me better helps me to get through this days and to not take my own bad feelings to serious. Basically, that's just the opposite from what Jason just said and I definitely don't wan't to say, I'm right and he's wrong! Actually I have no idea. It's just something I am thinking about myself and trying to figure it out.

Here's also a kind of "self-help" article about how to deal with ones emotions that I found interesting:
https://markmanson.net/fuck-your-feelings

And by the way, congrats to your impressing pace of 4:51 m/km. I'm struggling to get closer to the 5 min mark for quite some time...

 

[JasonGuitar]

I think what you are saying about 'choosing happy' is absolutely true. I think my approach to choosing happy is more about things I can't control that are just stupid to be upset or negative about. Like things at my work...for the most part I can't change them, so I accept it and move on. If there is feedback I can provide that might cause a positive change, I'll do it, but I won't engage in circular negative thoughts or talk with others.

There are definitely other things that are deeper than the day-to-day things that are negative thoughts or feelings, that I deal with in different ways. When I have time, I try to be introspective about why I'm feeling the way I am...I try to be my own counselor and really get to the bottom of why I feel the way I do. Sometimes it helps, and sometimes I do determine that I just need to let things go, or try not to think about things.

 

[rnnr]

Day 3. 21:33

Just a quick note to remind me of my NoFap Challenge.

JasonGuitar, ddmmyyyy, thanks for your support.

Really tired right now to put some meaningful words together.

Just want to thank you. I really appreciate your support.

Thank you.

 

[rnnr]

Day 4. 13:48

Today I broke two rules.

Spoiler: I did not PMO

1. I took a nap after my morning run.
2. I stayed at home to work on my projects.

My assumption that staying at home is counterproductive is correct.

I got a head ache after 3 hours working at home. Just can not understand what causes this head ache. It might be some psychosomatics.

Thouhgt about moving back to my native town to my parents' house. These thoughts come to my head more often these days.

Just need to set up a new rule: live separately from my parents.

I used to break this rule so much times in the past.

I'm a 31 y.o. man thinking about moving back to my parents' house. Not the best thought. When I lived with my parents I PMOd every day for 2-3 times. That was no good.

The reason why i PMO less often now is because I live separately from my parents.

I started thinking about moving to my parents' house because I am not doing well in my freelance career yet. And a negative self-talk about not having enough money to pay for rent makes me really upset. I quit my day job two weeks ago. And now I need to figure out how to become a successful freelancer. Or find a new job.

 

[rnnr]

Day 5. 10:33

I got my faith back. I feel like I can do it: 90 Days NoFap Challenge is something I can accomplish.

So, today is the 5th day of my 90 Days NoFap Challenge. As long as I stick to my system, I do not PMO. I understand that when I declare my goals, the Universe helps me to accomplish them. As long as I stick to my new habits, the Universe sees that I really mean it, and starts helping me.

These are things that are not an option in my life any more:

1. PMO ? is not an option.
2. Living in NV with my parents in one apartment ? is not an option.
3. Going back to my previuous day job ? is not an option.

Sometimes my mind wants to negotiate these decisions. Need to brake this open loop.

When I start thinking about these things, my fear grows. Need to build my faith and believe that I am not alone on this journey. Think less about what I fear. Think more about what I want and what I have.

Need to be greatful for what I have.

 

[JasonGuitar]

Don't put too much pressure on yourself with the 'rules.' Imposing too many rules or restrictions or stretching yourself too thin may be a recipe for failure. I have been trying to get healthier, work out, etc, and I have done this and failed many times over the last year or so. I got healthy recipes, strict workout routines/schedule, and I failed because the pressure of doing something at a certain time or feeling like a piece of crap got to me, and I just said screw it, and ordered a pizza. I talked to my wife about this, since we both want to get healthier, and we just decided we are going to make better choices as far as food, not go crazy with health food or crazy low calorie meals. And for working out, we are going to do what we feel like doing, when we feel like doing it. If I want to go for a run, I will go for a run, but I am not going to say "Monday, Wednesday and Friday I will run 3 miles." If I don't, I just feel like a piece of crap. And if I go for a walk instead, at least I wasn't sitting at my computer for that hour.

You are definitely not alone on your journey, and things will work out. Think more about what is in front if you right now and what you can accomplish. Take things one task at a time and one day at a time.

 

[rnnr]

Day 6. 21:12

Yesterday was a tough day. Really was stressed out. But did not PMO.

Went to bed at 20:00. Woke up today at 4:55 in the morning. Ran 6 km. Not to fast, but comfortable pace. Just enjoyed the run.

48 days running in a row.

Need to test if I feel OK starting my day at 5 AM and going to bed at 8 PM or 9 PM.

 

[rnnr]

Day 7. 20:57

Found a way to energize me in the evening. I just take a 45-minute nap after a dinner.

I can be really productive from 8 to 13, but then I need a break.

Took a cold shower after a nap. It helped.

Did not PMO for 7 days already. Nice.

 

[JasonGuitar]

Nice work on reaching the 7 day mark! I tend to nap most days for at least an hour either right after work or in the early evening, especially if I was up early.

 

[rnnr]

Day 8. 22:43

Woke up at 5 am. Spent almost all day walking in the forest and near the river with my ex-girlfriend. Is she "ex" if I spend time with her? Still not sure about her. Should I invest in relationships with her or not?

Visited my parents in my native town.

Again and again, I see that my mom is the source of my exaggerated anxiety.

I know that I need to see my parents regularly ? at least to know that I belong to my family. But at the same time, I need to limit the time spent with them ? not to be infected with negative self-talk and frustration.

Sometimes I wish my parents told me much more kind words and expressed their faith in me. But most of the time in our conversations I hear my parents' doubts in me.

 

[rnnr]

Day 9. 17:07

Today I experienced a severe urge to PMO. It seemed that the only way to stop these never ending feelings was to PMO.

But the urge did not last forever. I stopped feeling it after 30 minutes.

Just need to know that it will eventually stop by itself.

 

[PE30]

Hey, just thought I'd say that I've had a read of your journal and I was pleased to see how you've bounced back from a relapse.

I am close to the 90 day mark but I didn't really think about a target this big, as it just seemed unachievable. I've found that setting myself a daily target is the only thing that feels effective. But I still keep a day counter and feel good when I've made it through another week or to 30, 40, 60 days etc.

Also I'm wondering if you have a friend or relative who'd be prepared to have you work from their home? Having some company might help... Also might save you money on coffee!

Well done for spotting your triggers. Social media is a minefield of triggers.

 

[JasonGuitar]

I agree social media is FULL of triggers. I have tried to just steer clear of it outside of direct messaging with a few people. I stay off of Instagram all together.