A new start (Alea iacta est) 52y

[Alex48]

You're so right! I think it is part of our human nature !!! And here we are, after having exceeded more than healthy and having to take more rigid attitudes with ourselves, to get out of this situation.
For me, today is like having to decide between two paths, a good sex life or PMO, because both are not reconcilable. What makes me angry sometimes is that I think: there must be many men who do PMO and do not have this problem !!! hehe But hey, we've probably tugged too much on the rope!
I hope you understand my English! it is not my native language

 

[Totte]

You're so right! I think it is part of our human nature !!! And here we are, after having exceeded more than healthy and having to take more rigid attitudes with ourselves, to get out of this situation.
For me, today is like having to decide between two paths, a good sex life or PMO, because both are not reconcilable. What makes me angry sometimes is that I think: there must be many men who do PMO and do not have this problem !!! hehe But hey, we've probably tugged too much on the rope!
I hope you understand my English! it is not my native language

It?s perfectly understandable for me! Your English
And there will be relapse under the reboot.
T

 

[Totte]

Day 10 of reboot
And day 7 no PMO
It have been a hard time
Did get a mail from some sort of spam and a picture of a lady?s legs and I did get hard.
Well it was only legs in the picture so I guess I can see this as an improvement geting hard of only a picture.
T

 

[Totte]

Now I am struggling there is so many feelings and urges that running inside me.
Like I wrote in another post in the forum!

?Like I did this morning had a dream (not a porn) about a woman I meet (before my wife) and the sensual relationship we had. And we never made it in to having sex.
This is normal to think and dream, now I need to NOT take the substitute and watch porn even that my body just screame do it do it. Wife is sleeping and I am wanting to put on the pc and.....?

If I can get true this day I think I can make it.
How do you others endure days like this?

Really Struggling

 

[Totte]

Now I am struggling there is so many feelings and urges that running inside me.
Like I wrote in another post in the forum!

?Like I did this morning had a dream (not a porn) about a woman I meet (before my wife) and the sensual relationship we had. And we never made it in to having sex.
This is normal to think and dream, now I need to NOT take the substitute and watch porn even that my body just screame do it do it. Wife is sleeping and I am wanting to put on the pc and.....?

If I can get true this day I think I can make it.
How do you others endure days like this?

Really Struggling

Confession I just feel! I made it to one week!
And now I will make it longer, this is not a failure it?s a step closer!
One week made me have morning hard-on.
That?s positive! I refuse to see this negative.

Keep on and take one step at a time to the goal.
T

 

[atpeace]

Tom

Thanks for this journal. I just read through it and it sounds like you are making good progress. I hope that I will be able to report that I have made it through a week!

 

[Totte]

Tom

Thanks for this journal. I just read through it and it sounds like you are making good progress. I hope that I will be able to report that I have made it through a week!

We will!
Let?s make it!
I started meditation and I found out that it works if you give it a real try.
And I was one of the biggest skeptics about meditation, try it it can?t hurt.
Using app Headspace and do 3min meditation!
Hang in there and don?t see things negative one step at a time tiny or big don?t matter only forwards.
Tom65

 

[Totte]

Do I feel better when I done some PMO? No not really!
Then why do I do it?
As you can se I fell, this is not a prevarication! But my fathers is in hospital and I been really stressed over this situation. Well I need to know how to handle this kind of stress.
So report now 15days and restart my counter.

T

????????-
Reboot.        Day 16
PMO free.    Day 01

 

[Totte]

My Journey updates!

Reboot day 18!
3 day PMO free!

Did I use porn today?                            No!                     
What were my triggers?                        N/a!         
How did I soothe my anxiety or stress?  Doing meditation helps very much!
What am I grateful for today?                I am grateful over having made 3 days of PMO free!

But my fantasy over having sex with a transsexual is not goon!
Am I gay?
Or am I BI?
This is confusing I need to get to the bottom on this fantasy or feeling.
Is there any one here that going true this kind of thing!
I do not have any feelings/though over men, only transsexual! Can it be that my porn addiction made me gay/bi ?
Is this something I need to address (test) and how?
More questions and no answers!

Tom

 

[Karzam]

Hi Tom,

Congratulations on Day 3 - it's a good start! I applaud you for trying to become more aware of your triggers as well - that should definitely help.

As far as the transsexual / gay thing goes, personally I wouldn't worry about it too much. For a start, anecdotal evidence seems to suggest that our sexual orientation compass gets pushed off course through porn use, as we habituate to whatever we're watching and then start searching for something different to achieve the same hit. So, in that regard, just focus on getting off the porn first and foremost, because at the moment things may be off kilter anyway. I'm pretty sure porn can't make you gay by the way, I'm pretty sure it's not a choice or based on a reinforcement schedule.

In full disclosure, I've had some pretty weird sexual dreams in my time and I started to doubt my orientation as well, but deep down I knew who I was, and since giving up porn, they've all disappeared. It's probably just your head playing tricks with you - and if it's not, well, isn't the truth better than a lie? But, one thing at a time, focus on giving up the porn first.

Karzam

 

[Totte]

Hi Tom,

Congratulations on Day 3 - it's a good start! I applaud you for trying to become more aware of your triggers as well - that should definitely help.

As far as the transsexual / gay thing goes, personally I wouldn't worry about it too much. For a start, anecdotal evidence seems to suggest that our sexual orientation compass gets pushed off course through porn use, as we habituate to whatever we're watching and then start searching for something different to achieve the same hit. So, in that regard, just focus on getting off the porn first and foremost, because at the moment things may be off kilter anyway. I'm pretty sure porn can't make you gay by the way, I'm pretty sure it's not a choice or based on a reinforcement schedule.

In full disclosure, I've had some pretty weird sexual dreams in my time and I started to doubt my orientation as well, but deep down I knew who I was, and since giving up porn, they've all disappeared. It's probably just your head playing tricks with you - and if it's not, well, isn't the truth better than a lie? But, one thing at a time, focus on giving up the porn first.

Karzam

Thanks Karzam!

This make allot off sense!
And if that is so I can managed that to, living a lie is no good.
Thanks you made me think about it and it?s no big deal.

One day at a time my all time high was 7 day!
Let?s take one day at a time.
Tom

 

[DavS]

  Your earlier post about stolen cookies is touching on a hidden but huge part of the porn nightmare. Forbidden fruits are always sweeter. Brain chemicals related to taking risk make the drug high of this even worse. No porn, is a return to sanity.

 

[Totte]

  Your earlier post about stolen cookies is touching on a hidden but huge part of the porn nightmare. Forbidden fruits are always sweeter. Brain chemicals related to taking risk make the drug high of this even worse. No porn, is a return to sanity.

Yes this is so true forbidden fruits is sweeter in your mind! But if I go back to my early 20?ich I do remember me chasing after 40 years old woman because they did know what to do and they was weary hot in ...... And girls in my age was no good! So forbidden fruit is not better I think. That was my mind telling me how it is, my other mind say that the young woman is...... you know!!!!
So my compass is broken now I need to fix it!
But I am struggling need that fix....
But I need my wife more....

I realised one thing I have been eating and gaining some kilos so started to learn to eat proper and doing more exercise! Wondering if it?s connected?
Eating and porn us?
Tom

 

[DavS]

  Yes connected, both cause dopamine reactions in the brain. Just nurture yourself with good healthy food.
  I hope like mine, your wife is the great treasure that your efforts revolve around. The hardest part for me is what this has done to my wife. I need to heal myself for myself, but that is also the only way to save my marriage. And my marriage means everything to me. I know I'm crazy from my addiction, otherwise I would never hurt my wife.

 

[Totte]

  Yes connected, both cause dopamine reactions in the brain. Just nurture yourself with good healthy food.
  I hope like mine, your wife is the great treasure that your efforts revolve around. The hardest part for me is what this has done to my wife. I need to heal myself for myself, but that is also the only way to save my marriage. And my marriage means everything to me. I know I'm crazy from my addiction, otherwise I would never hurt my wife.

She is my everything!
But I haven?t fealt that desire to make love with her.
Just this stupid rush from porn. I will try this kerrazza when I?m on track.
I do want to feel desire over the person I love.

 

[DavS]

  Have no doubt, it will return. Every story of successful rebooting talks about how we regain our love life. If you can work through all this with her, count your lucky stars, and never look back.

 

[Totte]

Hello!
Dident think this would be so hard!
Just did PM but no O timer to 0 or can I se this as a smal victory?

Tom

 

[Totte]

Hello!
Dident think this would be so hard!
Just did PM but no O timer to 0 or can I se this as a smal victory?

Tom

Guess I know now that one week is my hard spot!
So I will set my counter to 0 and let?s make it this time.
I have missed doing my meditation I need that time to do reflections and get grounded.

This is possible one week can be two weeks
Tom

 

[milogasker]

Hey Tom / Karzam  -  just picking up on the transsexual thing.  I got so absorbed with new and different porn to satisfy my need and get my dopamine rush that I was masturbating to transsexual and lady-boy videos.  This developed to actually booking a trannie hooker and having an actual sexual experience with one.  Yes, I know that a lot of men fantasise and are really attracted to the thought of a woman's body with a penis (best of both worlds) and many go down that route.  Now I'm in no way gay or bi-sexual - it was just my ever increasing need for wilder more off-the-wall experiences to get my kick.

At day 28 I'm still not past the point of finding the trannie thing quite stimulating and if I relapse I can possibly see myself doing it again. I'm just really hoping that when I'm beyond say, 100 days, that I'll have rid myself of these desires and I'll be back on track and have my sexual compass re-aligned to it's "true north".

 

[Totte]

Hey Tom / Karzam  -  just picking up on the transsexual thing.  I got so absorbed with new and different porn to satisfy my need and get my dopamine rush that I was masturbating to transsexual and lady-boy videos.  This developed to actually booking a trannie hooker and having an actual sexual experience with one.  Yes, I know that a lot of men fantasise and are really attracted to the thought of a woman's body with a penis (best of both worlds) and many go down that route.  Now I'm in no way gay or bi-sexual - it was just my ever increasing need for wilder more off-the-wall experiences to get my kick.

At day 28 I'm still not past the point of finding the trannie thing quite stimulating and if I relapse I can possibly see myself doing it again. I'm just really hoping that when I'm beyond say, 100 days, that I'll have rid myself of these desires and I'll be back on track and have my sexual compass re-aligned to it's "true north".

Hello
Thanks for the reassuring words!
The thing is should I be aligned to transsexual woman that would not be the worst thing that can happen.
It would be tuff on my wife, wife i love and don't want to hurt. And that would be devastating and i feel bad if it ends up like that.
So its much of the stress over this is that would feel bad and by that i feel bad now to.
So there is so much thought running in my head, my head is spinning like crazy doing P it stops spinning.
So what to do to get my head thinking straight (clear) sometimes I want to talk to a professional.
Solution to this getting of P so i can start think clear.
Signed up for Skype meeting SLAA.
Tom