This recovery is confusing as hell at the moment.
Consciously, I know that I committed myself wholly to my wife when we got married and that I must be wholly loyal to her. More than this, that is what I want to do.
But the addict in me says that porn and erotica are natural and okay.
There is a part of me that says I have a right to look at other women, that I have a right to look at other women's breasts. Part of me says that it is not cheating, that it prevents cheating by getting me to focus that lustful energy on something that isn't real.
The smarter, conscious part of me knows it is just a stepping stone to infidelity. That a single, twenty year old teacher in America could possibly sway me if I weren't careful. I have even had fantasies of that exact thing.
This war between the good and bad in me makes me realize what this addiction does.
I am removing all of my addictions. At the time of writing this journal I am six weeks sober of alcohol, I deleted my actual Facebook account two weeks ago, I deleted my secret Facebook account (the one I used to check out hot chicks) a couple of days ago. It should be deleted within a week or so (I hate Facebook's 14 day policy). I will not check the delete status as I don't feel strong enough in recovery yet.
The next step is to stop binge watching Youtube. It is too easily used to watch light porn material.
In the past week I have watched actual porn only once (it was a "porn girlfriend" that I have watched many times in the past), but have been to Reddit's cleavage and breast pages many, many times. About once a day.
I have an obsession with breasts still, although I have been able to keep the checking women out in reality to a low.
My fear is that having used Reddit's sites for a long time (several months) will mean that recovery will take a long time (I am committed to life without Porn, so I am referring to how long it will take to get back to normal, not going back to porn).
In fact, I have rarely used actuall porn in the past year, but have almost exclusively used Reddit pages, but of course, these images are porn to me.
And worse, in fact, as they more easily lead to checking women out in real life.
But today is my first day clean.
I did binge watch four episodes of Frasier this morning (I am also recovering from unhealthy habits, like binge watching shows), so I am watching out for thoughts justifying PMOing later today.
The old, well you screwed up in this other way this morning, so you might as well.
No, I will not. So, now it is time to get on with my Sunday. Got chores to do, and lessons to finish planning.
I'll be back on hopefully tonight, but will definitely check in tomorrow.
See ya then,
Rich (hopefully 1 day sober)