Joyful journal

[kopp]

When I do I usually feel defeated and miserable. It?s good that you don?t seem to have the same reaction.

I do. When I wrote my post I already had a night of sleep and felt better, but after relapsing I experienced suicidal thoughts that I did not have for a long time previous to that and was very depressed.

I relapsed again today.
I was kinda fine, still spending too much time on the computer and phone but overall doing good at least with nofap. I went to a party yesterday, woke up tired today with no plans and thus no motivation to do anything and I relapsed.

This is my worst state since months, stopping working was a good idea for the long run but right now I don't have a real occupation and this doesn't help.
I feel overwhelmed because I have a million of things to do.

I slowly understand that I must be planning my life much more. I should never be in a situation where I don't know what to do for the day.

Stiffy I admire your courage.

 

[Stiffy]

And I admire yours. This is more difficult to kick than heroin or cocaine if I am being honest. We are both restarting at the same time. Let?s do this. See you here Monday brother. I?m going camping.

 

[Stiffy]

Hey buddy, how?s it going?

 

[kopp]

Hey
I'm a bit lost right now.

A member of my family died last week. I went to the funerals etc

I relapsed this morning. I'm stressed because from this afternoon I'll be with my girlfriend for a week. It's stupid to relapse now when all I had to do was to wait a few hours to make love.
Having no job and no stable rhythm of life - few days alone at home, getting to bed early but sometimes going to party all night, then visiting family for funerals, ...

It's hard.
When I'm disciplined I don't relapse but it's hard being disciplined when you're moving so much, so tired everyday.

September has been my worst nofap month this year I think, with 8 PMO and 2 MO already.. August was only 2 PMO.

On the good side: saw a friend yesterday, will be with my girlfriend for the next days, worked like 4 hours yesterday, I had a long talk with my mum, ... lots of positive things.

 

[kopp]

August: 2 PMO, 29 days clean
September: 8 PMO 2 MO, 22 days clean
I've abstained from fapping 56 days in the last 65 days. I'm currently on day 5.

I have a hard time working those last days, otherwise I'm doing OK. I mean, at least I'm not relapsing.
I worked out yesterday and talked with a friend. Today I see another friend and my girlfriend.
A bad pattern / habit I must break: the more I feel bad, the more I'll isolate myself, etc
Talking to friends help me feel less lonely and motivated again. So: no more staying hours and days without talking to anyone.

Its when I feel the worse that I am the most ashamed and want the less to talk to people (because I don't want them to see me at my worse), but it's also when I need it the most.

I feel good about not relapsing but also feel like I'm wasting my time because I'm not working on my goals and spending time on youtube/internet instead.

I realize more and more that I should treat this not only as porn addiction but rather as internet addiction.

 

[kopp]

Day 7 without PMO
Last O was with my girlfriend 2 days ago
I've had cravings for the last 3 days.

I went out yesterday. I feel good.

I've seen a (french) video where the guy talks about sexual energy and refocusing it from sex to other things (ie your goals).
You can achieve great things if you focus your energy on it.
It made me understand something : I'm highly focused on sex. I care a lot what girls around me think about me, I look a lot at the girls in bars - sometimes stopping to listen to the people talking to me, being more focused on a stranger' ass. I crave the validation from girls.
I have insecurities about growing old and no longer be able to seduce sexy girls. Those are just negative thoughts that I must stop.
Part of it is because when I was single I used to go to bars to pickup girls, I have a lot of good memories from this and I kinda miss it.
At the moment I'm self conscious about my body because I'm not as good looking as I used to. (went from too skinny to muscular to normal/thin, my body is now soft)

So... let's focus! (on getting my diploma, spending time with friends, and becoming a MUSCLE MACHINE again!)

Hope you're doing well brothers  8) 8)

 

[kopp]

Relapsed today, twice :/

Tiredness from going out + no goal for the day + being horny from chaser effect lead to this.
I don't know what to do or think anymore

 

[kopp]

Hey guys. It's been almost a year.
My life has changed a lot since. I moved to a new city, in a new flat with my girlfriend, I started a freelancing career. I also had my best streak ever, around 140 days. In fact I think I relapsed once or twice somewhere in the middle but I kept going after that. So yeah, almost 140 days.
Since a month I've been running a bit outside every morning + doing a 45 minutes workout after my run. Best habit ever. Just being outside in the morning is awesome for your mental health and I'd recommend it to anyone.

Another excellent habit has been to write my thoughts every morning and every night. It helped me go from depressed to extremely happy in a few months. I love writing so much now. It's like putting all your negative thoughts to the garbage and making room for positive one instead.

I avoided RN because it worked better for me. Just not thinking about all that stuff instead of being active and involved in the nofap community made it easier. For months avoiding porn was easy - I just had no time nor urge to watch porn.

Still, I relapsed recently. I did bad for the last few days. MO'ing for hours a day to avoid solving a difficult situation I'm in. Also I felt anxiety. After 3 years with my girlfriend, and by seeing beautiful girls in the sunny streets every time I'd go out, I started doubting myself. Was I attractive to these girls? Why are there so few girls in my life? It resulted in me talking to girls online and it was stupid. Huge lost of time. Of Energy. Of trust in myself - why was I doing that? There's nothing to gain.

I've kept on using Rescue time, it's been a year and they sent me a frightening stat: I spent 2x more time on Distracting stuff on the internet (Youtube, twitter, random useless stuff...) than on being productive (I code as a living)

Rereading my journal today helped me, I dropped some good insights in there.

I'll repeat it:

The secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on buidling the new.

It has become even more true for me this year. At my peak, I just didn't care at all about porn, I was just focused on living my life, building my career and my body, meeting new interesting people...

Also, the book The Magic of Thinking Big changed my life.


I'm now officially back on track. Thank you guys for everything. You are amazing people, dedicated to bettering themselves, to go through hell will all the hard times it involves. I love you all and you'll forever be my brothers. May you live in peace, meet the women or men you deserve and achieve all your goals and more.

 

[Quitforeverthenwin]

Glad to hear things went so well for so long!

The secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on buidling the new.

Man^ That is a great quote. I've found when I've been very focused on positive change, self help self improvement etc. has really been the only times I was able to get off PMO. Plus it's such a positive, not just getting off pmo... making life better, enjoying growing.

 

[kopp]

Hey

Today is... I don't know. I went running outside this morning.
I spent time reading. "The Four Agreements". It's a good book, I had read it a few years ago already and it helped me in the past. It teaches you how you learned wrong stuff about you, how you got limitating beliefs about yourself and how to act now, with 4 easy to understand agreements. I recommend it.

I'm on day 3 of Nofap and day 2 without orgasm.

I'm experiencing anxiety, not too much but still.
I have cravings. For porn and for random stuff. I want dopamine hits. It's hard to work - I want to do everything but work.

I've found when I've been very focused on positive change, self help self improvement etc. has really been the only times I was able to get off PMO. Plus it's such a positive, not just getting off pmo... making life better, enjoying growing.

Yes! Basically I was so busy that I didn't even think about PMO. And it was when I was alone for the first time and had free time that I relapsed.

New belief to instill in my head : I'm a man of high value.

 

[kopp]

I'm supposed to work. I have a hard time focusing. I'm really craving dopamine hits, I've been reading random articles... It sucks. I have to work, come on man, let's go, let's do it, it's not even that hard... it's stressful yes, but not hard...

 

[Free-man2018]

Sorry to hear about your relapse kopp.
It was a long streak man (140 days)
but it seems that you know how to refocus and go for it.
I really like your quote: The secret to change is to focus all your energy not on fighting the old but on buidling the new.
You've got all my support to start again!
Cheers!

 

[Axel_Libre]

Hey Kopp,

I read your first page of your journal and I found it very inspiring man. Thanks for sharing.

Your right, when you stop, you commit yourself to a lifestyle change, otherwise centering your life around stopping an addiction gives that addiction even more power over you.

I'll read the rest of your journal later.

Stay strong bro

 

[kopp]

I edged this morning.

It almost always have the same causes:
I went to bed later than usual yesterday, I woke up later, feeling lost and I started using my computer 1 hour and half earlier than usual. (I have a rule of not starting screens before 9, this morning I opened my laptop at 7.30).

I stopped but now my brain is foggy, I'm lazy/lost.

I'll take a cold shower then go to the library to work

I want to be serious about NoFap hardmode so even if I didn't O'ed I'll count this as a relapse. So today is day 0.


I'm glad my journal is inspiring you!

 

[kopp]

It's been 8 months. I've been struggling with nofap recently.
I've never came close to my 140 days streak. Recently I'm struggling to even go to 5 days.

I had no job for a month and a half, I have too much free time.
My triggers are always the same : boredom, fucking up my sleep pattern, feeling lonely, being doubtful about my masculinity because of the absence of relationship with girls.

I also realized that a lot of sex with my girlfriends makes me crave sex even more and so I want to fap...

I've been with my girlfriend for close to 4 years. It's a wonderful relationship.
My career became crazy, I'm at the top of the Game, I keep making progress and getting paid better.

I've worked out 69 days of the last 78. I took +3kg (6.6lbs), mostly muscle. I got bigger arms, a wider back, a better posture. I got a haircut, I'm handsome.
I've been meditating 74 days of the last 78. Writing every morning.
I've been investing money, keeping my spending low.

I block social networks on my computer, I just installed an app to block websites on my phone also. I blocked the websites that I relapsed to recently.

I'm starting a new job in a week.
I'll workout even more, plan my days better, invest more. Spend more time with my girlfriends, make sure my friends are happy.

I'M A BEAST!

 

[jhonjordan]

Hi Koop

How good all your progress! Congratulations!

It is the first time that I read your posts and I really appreciate your sincerity, and how you mention various aspects of your life. Those of us who are fighting against this addiction really help us a lot.

I send you a hug! Thank you!

John

 

[kopp]

Hey John, thank you for your positive energy

So it's been 24 hours since my last relapse. I had a headache this morning, I felt very sad. But I woke early.
The day before I stayed in bed, this morning I got up as soon as the alarm rung. That was a good start. The alarm rung, I felt like turning it off and going to sleep and I asked myself "Are you a man or not? Are you a man?" and then woke up.
I spent time writing. I usually write a few lines every morning. Today I wrote two pages. I started by writing how I felt, which was pretty negative but it allowed me to get rid of all those negative thoughts. I then spent almost a whole page writing why I was someone seductive and attractive. The more I do this the more I believe it and the more it becomes true.

I had a very good back, triceps and shoulders workout yesterday. Everyday I look more and more muscular and athletic. I highly recommend working out to every nofap brother.

I'm starting my new job in 6 days. I feel OK with that. I want to avoid relapsing so I have a lot of energy and no brain fog on my first day.

I'll repeat something really important that I already wrote here: Internet changes our brains.
Thus, not using internet changes our brains back to a better, clearer state.
Internet is something you have to use sparingly, only in order to achieve a goal.

With a heavy internet usage, the neural circuits devoted to thinking deeply, with sustained concentration are weakening or eroding.
This is something I have to work on. I've struggled on focusing lately. I've had too much free time to fill with dumb shit. I want to be able to focus for long hours everyday again.

I'll probably write some more here today, it helps so much

 

[kopp]

According to TheUnderdog, the founder of yourbrainrebalanced.com, a forum similar to RebootNation, there are 3 fatal mistakes porn addicts often do:

- Using porn to stop feeling bad. You must accept feeling bad, go through it. Process the emotion and find a healthy way to feel better. Do not run away from reality.
- Being hard on yourself every time you relapse. Not everything revolves around your streak. If you go from porn everyday to porn twice a month, you're already successful. You made huge progress, you're doing good.
- Focusing too much on not watching porn. If you're thinking about not watching porn, you're thinking about porn. As long as porn is in your mind, you will have a lot of trouble letting it go.

As he says:

Just forget about porn. Disregard it as an option in your life.

Focus your mind on the stuff that matters. Your family, your dreams, your health, your career.

When urges arise, watch them mindfully. Observe them. Do not react. Do not suppress them. Do not push them away.

Just kindly smile and focus your mind on something else.

Watching porn is not an option. It's not a part of your life anymore.

He also suggests 3 methods to quit your internet addiction:

- Cold Turkey: Just don't turn your computer at all. No more than 5 minutes of using your computer per day.
- Seeing the computer as a tool for working and nothing else: Use it for work only. Any form of online entertainment is not allowed.
- Only before X:XX and after X:XX

I've had success in the past with the Cold Turkey approach. My computer was too old to be usable so it was simple to not use it. I now have a modern, light and fast laptop. And I still need to use it from times to times at least. The ideal for the next days would be to use it 3-4 hours per day learning things that I'll soon need in my new job.
So here comes method two. I'd like to see it as a tool for working and almost nothing else.
Method three also has helped me in the past but is not enough those last days.

So here are my new commitments:
- I'll process my negative emotions instead of watching porn to forget them,
- I'll use my computer only after 9am and before 5.30pm,
- my computer is a tool for work, I won't use it for entertainment anymore

I also use my phone for less than 30 minutes a day. I made a habit out of this. I even use it on grayscale mode.
I just turned my computer to grayscale mode.

One question to ask myself when I'm on the computer: Am I productive or am I distracting myself?

 

[jhonjordan]

Hi Koop!

I see that your intention is to spend less on the internet and only use the computer to work.

There is something that I would like to tell you about habits, when you want to acquire a habit I think the best thing is to start small. You can have a smaller goal to start, for example, every week use the computer for an hour less.
I have found this method to acquire the habit of exercising. I started doing very little and now I have a very good routine.

Also another important thing is to reward yourself or celebrate whenever you can meet your daily goal since the brain associates this reward with the habit you are trying to develop.

I hope it helps!

 

[kopp]

@johnjordan you're right! I've also built a good workout routine thanks to the power of habits (working out everyday, even if it's only for 2 minutes).

How do you celebrate? That's something I struggle with.
For today I'll focus on closing the computer at 5.30. I'll also avoid Reboot Nation until tomorrow!
Tomorrow I won't start it before 9am.

Quote from Seek not to be entertained - MrMoneyMustache.com :

I can definitely relate to the desire for activity. I?m incapable of spending more than an hour on the couch or sitting at the beach. During vacations, I have to find physical work projects to keep myself happily occupied. I?ve discovered that even one day of zero productivity is bad for me: if I stop doing things, I stop wanting to do things, and pretty soon I?m just lazing around on the couch or taking 11 am naps. For me, inactivity leads to a depressive boredom.

It doesn?t matter what you enjoy. It matters what?s good for you.

So if your life needs a boost, try giving up something you enjoy, and replacing it with something that improves your life.

Now that I did almost nothing for 2 days in a row I don't even feel like doing stuff anymore. "Depressive boredom" is the thing. I'll go outside for a walk.