Rich's 90 Days

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HumbleRich

Guest
Checking in on my lunch break on day 28.  Feeling good.  Not feeling any tremendous superpowers yet, but I am going strong.  I did  purposefully masturbate in the bathroom to see how I performed.  (Unfortunately, due to some conflict between the wife and I we have not had sex since this streak began).  The rules were no media stimulation, no phone, and I did my best to avoid anything poppi g up in my imagination.  Only used my hand.  I got a solid erection in no time (though it took a bit longer than it used to with porn).  I will wait another week to test myself again, and will hopefully habe had sex by the end of this week.

Everything is  going well.  My confidence baseline is consistently high.  Now, I am focusing on unrelated mental health issues.  I use meditation and mindfulness to control these.  Trying to meditate and pray every day. 

Feeling good.

Rich
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Day 31!!!  I have passed the 30 mark!  Halleluiah!  I have gone 31 days without porn, erotic imagery, and compulsive masturbation.  I am blown away.  I had just removed myself from a useless political argument so was in a huff, but this just has made a bad day better! 

And it is the weekend. 

I am ridiculously horny.  I am going to try not to have  another isolated  masturbation sesh (after all it isn't isolated if it happens more than once), and hold out for sex with my wife this weekend.  Sne has said that if we don't  fight and she has the energy she will have sex with  me. 

Looking forward to that, and slightly  anxious as she  and I haven't had sex since this streak began and I have  no idea how I will  perform.  My masturbation sesh without stimulation this week was partly to find out.  I did okay, but then again that was just my hand, and not all the stuff that comes  with sex.  So.

I am obviously a bit worried about this.  But oh well.

I am sober of alcohol and clean of this PMO garbage.  And it feels good.  I will check in again tonigjt.

See ya, guys.

Rich
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Hi everyone,

Checking in on day 35.

My wife and I just had sex before getting ready for bed.  It went okay.  I am still not getting erect from touch and looking at her...35 Days after I last viewed porn.  I had to rub myself to erection.  It definitely killed the mood, but on the bright side I lasted long enough for her to finish.  Which was good. 

I am a little concerned.  What am I doing wrong?  I masturbated earlier today, because I wasn?t sure if we would be having sex tonight.  I am going to stop that now and not masturbate for this next two weeks to see if that helps.  So, from here on out no masturbation at all.

Checking out,

Rich
 
P

PE30

Well-Known Member
Tbh I think you're best off steering clear of masturbation if you're looking to get your sex life back on track. I find that sex is better and my performance more reliable if I abstain from any form of masturbation. It's your journey though and I'm glad you're avoiding porn :)
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Day 37!

Thanks, PE30. I agree and will not be masturbating for the foreseeable future.  Thanks for the suggestion.  No porn, no erotica, no masturbation.  There is a need for more mindfulness and meditation.  Always more.  But now, for bed.

Good night.

Rich
 
P

PE30

Well-Known Member
I guess it's just a question of doing something that works for you. If by masturbation you're avoiding porn then it's not a bad thing per se.

It might be worth chatting to your wife. For instance: sex might be 100% unlikely during the week but possible during the weekend. So you could abstain Thursday and Friday so you're all ready on the weekend.

I guess you will know your own body best. My sex life is definitely better when I don't masturbate.
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Hey PE30,

No, I will definitely quit the masturbation until I see a big change take place.  Thanks for the support. 

Day 38!

Rich

 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Well, my plan was to announce 43 days clean today.  But I PMOed.  After 42 days!!!!!  42 days!!!  I will admit it was an imperfect 42 days.  With more exposire to provocative  imagery than I would have  liked, but it was 42 daus without erotica and masturbation nonetheless.  Now I am going to have to mame up some excuse to avoid sex tonight.  Don't know what that will be.  I am hoping the tremendous growth I have seen in my self confidence  and self esteem will not disappear tomorow because of this slip.  42 days, man!!!  I am gutted.  I was doing so well.

Well, now for tbe obligatory investiagation.  What happened?  I got complacent.  I wasn't being as careful on thee internet as I should habe been.  I spent a lot of time on Quora (which I am.aware breaks my vow to my self to stay away from social media.  Quora is social media!).  While on Quora I would often be triggered by sexual images.  But I explained  it away that I wasn't actively consuming the material.  Doesn't make much difference though.  It was too early in sobriety.  I didn't meditate enough.  I didn't look after my needs enough.  I didn't spend  as much time as I needed to on my priorities. 

In general, I was complacent, which is never good.

What cab I say about my 42 days?  It was pretty life changing.  A lot of my social anxiety just disappeared.  I was talking to people more openly.  I was less worried  about  things.  I was more in the moment.  And I had more self control.

I went to a birthday party for a coworker and friend and she wore a very low cut dress to it.  I was definitely triggered but I showed great restraint by not staring or leering.  But I know I was definitely triggered by that.

What am I going to do now?

I am just going to get back on that horse.  I do not foresee a full relapse happening tomorow with a follow up slip.  And I do not foresee going back to the  two week clean,  one week of relapse pattern I began with.

I think that cycle is far behind me.  I now know that I can go long periods without PMO.  More than a month!!!  That is better than I have  ever done before in my entire life.  In college, when I first started trying to fight my PMO addiction, I could barely go a week between PMO sessions, and most of the time couldn't do that.

As annoyed as I am, and frustrated by having to start over, I am grateful for the freedom it gave me.  I am looking forward to more of the same freedom.

I truly hope that I don't wake up tomorrow as the socially awkward guy that relapses turn me back into.  I would like to hold onto my newfound confidence.

It sucks, guys.  But I am trying to stay positive.  I am looking forward to waking up tomorrow morning and starting a brand new, better, cleaner streak. 

Thanks,

Rich

 
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HumbleRich

Guest
I just blocked Quora on my IPad.  I ended up using it unsinkable, so out it goes.  I am back to rebooting.  No PMO.  Soft reboot.

Thanks,

Richard
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Day 2/90.

Feeling cool and collected.  Meditated this morning and going strong. 

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Checking in.

I am.going to call today day 1.  I dkdn't MPO yesterday, but there was some middle circle there.  Enough tbat I don't feel comfortable calling it 100yl% clean.  Actually.  Come to think of it.  I could hqbe done better today as well.

Okay.  Checking in 0/90.  Looking fkrward to starting fresh tomorrkw with no middle.circle, no porn or erotica, and no masturbation.

Good night.

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Hey everyone,

It is late and I am on my way to bed.  I am counting tomorrow as day 1 as I did some middle circle behaviors.  I didn?t PMO, but those middle circle behaviors have to go.  I am starting a brand new meditation ritual tomorrow and am excited.  See you guys tomorrow.

Rich
 
bob

bob

Respected Member
SAA as a 12 step program defines different ?circles ? of behavior. The circles help define sexual sobriety. The inner circle are the things/behaviors that are completely off limits. Like wise, the outer circle includes all behaviors that represent a life of sobriety. The middle circle includes things that may not be completely off limits (poor choice of words) but that can draw you into the inner circle.

I would describe those items of the middle circle as p-subs. For me it?s sexy pictures, scantily clad females, provocative stories... anything that starts a downward trend. 

Most think they are no big deal. What is a bit of cleavage images going to hurt. Checking out those yoga pants, she looks hot.

Reality, they are the Sirens that call the sailors to the rocks and their death. The start is small but it always leads down hill.
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Thanks for explaining that, Bob.  Good day.  No middle circle behaviors.  Woke up early to meditate for thirty minutes this morning.  It was AMAZING.  I will be doing it for the next week and then going for 45.  Everything is going great.

Day 1/90 complete.

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Just relapsed.  I am going to take some extra time this weekend to figure out what has been going wrong.  Time to get back on that horse, though.

Rich
 
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HumbleRich

Guest
Checking in at 3:00 pm Korean time, on day 1/90.  I took the day off from meditating, as I usually do on the weekends.  I meditate weekdays, upon waking up at 5:30 am (don?t worry, I go to bed at 10:30, so I get a good seven hours) and meditate thirty minutes.  I am currently working my way through Jon Kabat- Zinn?s book Full Catastrophe Living, which is the text for his MSBR program.  Though he recommends 45 minute meditation sessions, I can already feel a big difference from 30 minute sessions.  It is a big upgrade from the 10 minute sessions I was doing.  It is a challenge, but the results of less stress and more focus are very rewarding.  I look forward to 45 minute sessions. 

In other news, nothing much is going on.  My wife and I are going to see Fantastic Beasts 2 tonight.  That should be fun.  I also have my usual AA meeting tonight. 

Oh, and my obsession with my ex is still there.  I did try to Google her just now, but couldn?t pull up anything.  My decision to get rid of all social media has done wonders in helping me focus and getting rid of anxiety, and in the case of this obsession with my ex, the positive is I am absolutely unable to find anything on her.  That was, of course, one of the main points and the positive.  It doesn?t stop me from trying to find stuff on her though.

And It is largely seeing pictures that I am trying to accomplish.  I am definitely objectifying my ex in  my mind.  For the life of me I can?t figure out why?  Is it because of my recent long period of PMO sobriety that forced my brain to look for other ways to get its fix? 

Is it that my relationship with my ex had much more sex in it (of course it did, it was a college romance) and so there is more to feed off of?  This doesn?t make much sense to me, as I can say the same thing about my relationship with my wife.  When she and I met in grad school we were having so much more sex than we do now as a married couple.  Why doesn?t my unconscious brain objectify memories of my wife and I?

For the life of me I can?t pin my finger on where this obsession comes from.  I don?t love my ex.  I have no feelings for her and only have a passing curiosity about what she is up to these days.  Is there unfinished business in my unconscious?  Stuff left to be said?  Not really.  The way I broke up with her, so coldly when she and I went our separate ways upon graduating, I regret.  But I have since apologized and made peace with.  She has forgiven me and als moved on.

So, what is it?  I wish I knew so I could solve the problem.  At the present moment I just shrug my shoulders when I dream about my ex (yes, often times the dreams are sexual) and go on with my day.  At the moment it feels that analyzing the dreams would only dig me deeper.  So I din?t.

And that is probably what I should do with this.  And I should definitely stop trying to google her.  For crying out loud! 

Anyway.  That is my day 1/90.  Going prett well so far.  I hope Fantastic Beasts is good!

Thanks for listening.

Rich
 
H

HumbleRich

Guest
Oh, and I finally deleted my Quora account when I realized I was abusing it the way I used to abuse Facebook, that it was bad for me, was useless drama, just pissed me off, and also led to several of these slips and my eventual relapse.  So Quora is gone, and I am back to being truly off of all forms of social media.

There.  Everything is updated now.

Thanks

Rich
 
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