Needing to Heal

[Sentimental_geek]

After a second relapse yesterday I managed to force myself to get out the house. I was walking through town I literally felt drunk. Nearly walking into people and things and could not string a sentence together when in shops. Not good. I went to the gym and did some hard cardio and that helped clear the mind abit then came home, ate, studies and chilled out. It was mabey just enough to make me realise that the cycle has to be broken no matter how hard it is.

Today I've felt much better and as I write, just before going to bed I can say today has been porn free! A small success! But i'm disappointing in how this is going for me. Luckily I have my first proper therapy appointment on Thursday. THis therapy is purely about my porn addiction. The place specialises in psychosexual issues. So there is no Hiding it. I will be discussing with a therapist how porn addiction has effected my life and trying to find a  way out the hole. Feels a bit odd even writing this as the only place i've ever been open about it is on forums like this and in personal message accountability things. But now it comes face to face with a therapist.  I'm a bit scared to be honest. But I also know from previous therapy experience that it can do a lot of help. And thats what I need for this is help! I've been aware of my addiction for about 6 years now and in a cycle of reboot and relapse. Its got worse again over the last couple of years, gradually, after some initial success. So here I go! Its my intention to stay clean between now and thursday.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Well...just relapsed again. Really cant get on top of this at the moment. Urges today have been insufferable but I started peeking then just caved. I even knew I shoud stop but kept on going. Fuck, this is not good! Its the worse cycle of relapse i've had in a while.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

So relapsed twice today. Even got stuk in a fight between urges and reality at one point. A completely surreal moment. But in the end spent 2 hours looking at porn and now feel shit. There is a lot riding on me at the mo. I have exams in 3 weeks and if i cant shake this i pose a rwal chance of fucking up a lot! Like the last 3 years of my life. Everything ive aimed for and worked towards could go up in smoke due to my fucking porn addiction. Im sick of being a slave. But it keeps on cycling. I feel really stuck and consumed by this at the moment. Cant see a way out

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Well i'm on day 3...i think? Not been using a counter but been clean for a few days at least! But most importantly, I had my first proper therapy session yesterday evening. So for the first time ever, I told another human, face to face, that I have an addiction to porn and gave an insight into what it has done to my life. I'm kinda shocked that i've done it, but ultimately glad. This will be a long road, but I know its the best step to take. I've been trying for 6 years with mixed success to quit. But ultimately being in the same cycle of relapse is doing nothing for me. The therapists specialises in sex and porn addictions so i'm in good hands. Having had counselling before I also know that on my part i have to lay it bear and be 100% honest.

Something he did ask which got me thinking is how I had intial success with rebooting. In the first 2 year I had streaks if about 50 days, 20  days, 80 days then 160 or so days plus a load of shorter ones. Thats before cycles of relapse and the odd streak of 70 or so days, 50 days then the recent cycle of maybe 2 weeks tops. So i'm gonna sit down with a note pad and try and figure that all out. There was definatley something back then that was pushing me on that I seem to have lost. So its time to have a dig for some ideas/answers and influence.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Unfortunately relapsed yesterday by looking at porn. Didn't go full PMO but did look and touch myself for a bit so counting it as a relapse. Previously I would just put that down to peaking. But I think its better to be honest with myself on this. Peeking for me has a direct route to full on PMO. SO I figure by being honest and framing it as a relapse I can at least try and break the cycle of rationalising doing it again before it leads to full on PMO binge.

Been thinking alot about how I managed to get success in previous streaks and what may have gone wrong in them. Doing this in the aftermath of peeking has definitely helped me refocus. 

So effectively i'm back to day 0 but more aware at least from my mistake.

 

[Mediadude20]

I just read your first post and a few others. I know how tough this battle is. And I'm with you in the fight.

I loved what you wrote about going back to college to study Psychology and taking up those hobbies. I love the sound of that life!
How is all that going for you at the moment?


Fall down 6 times, get up 7 times bro!

 

[Sentimental_geek]

I just read your first post and a few others. I know how tough this battle is. And I'm with you in the fight.

I loved what you wrote about going back to college to study Psychology and taking up those hobbies. I love the sound of that life!
How is all that going for you at the moment?


Fall down 6 times, get up 7 times bro!

Unfortunately still falling a bit and having to pick myself up again! Relapsed last night. Still in a cycle of a couple of days then falling back again.

I've now had 3 therapy sessions and they have been working on building my back story and identify goals. Next we we start the proper therapy plan. This will be specific to porn addiction. So whilst we look at areas that may be contributing to it, this will be very much about overcoming the addiction as the overall goal. I'm really not sure what to expect to be honest! But something has to give!