Needing to Heal

[Sentimental_geek]

Relapsed again. Im a sad pathetic waste of space. Cant even go a few days now. 5 years ive been trying this and i constantly fuck up. Im a constant fuck up and failure at this and most things in life. 35 little to show, mess of a sex life and hardly any one im close to. What the actual fuck am I?

 

[Pete McVries]

What the actual fuck am I?

Definitely not a sad pathetic waste of space. There is beauty, kindness and strength in you, I'm sure of it. I kindly ask you to stop the negative self talk, it will make everything harder and worse. The solution for your porn problem lies inside of you, you might not have found it yet. It took me 3 1/2 years to manage to cope with the addiction and PIED. Sometimes it takes time. It's a journey. Giving up is really not the answer. It will eat you alive. PMOing while knowing about the dangers and negative effects is like eating rotten candy, you'll get sick of it eventually.

Take care!

 

[Sentimental_geek]

I have to say I felt awful last night. Absolutely the pits! Feel a little better today, but still quite empty. I've not felt this bad in a while to be honest. It hit me like a ton of bricks within an hour of relapsing. Usually it takes at least a day or so. What was worse is it was the middle of the night. I hardly slept int he end then was up at 5am for work. So its been a bit mad.

I'd previously had an accountability buddy on here but they seem to have gone off the radar and not returned :-( SO i'm going to try and post on this part of the forum a bit more and get more off my chest. Need to switch things up a bit but also take time to see why this keeps happening.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Another bloody relapse!

Too much peaking and fantasy,

Back to the start

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Made it a day and a half. Feel a bit all over the place, but its a start. I feel I need to dog a little deeper in to feelings and triggers that are keeping me in this cycle. Having had some success a few years ago, it stumps me as to why I now go back to the cycle of relapsing so often. Previous reboots have helped me see things about myself that were causing issues or needed attending to. I sometimes wonder if relapsing after a week or too is an attempt to hijack the chances of doing this again. Like i'm scared i'll find something I dont like, even if what ever I find is the cold hard truth!

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Mad it to six days yesterday but relapsed twice in the space of a few hours.

My main issues seems to be procrastination, especially in the morning. If I awake before my alarm, I tend to lay in bed then start fantasising and touching myself. Whilst this may not lead to much in that moment, Later on with out fail I end up peaking and then..... you can guess the rest. THis morning I got up as soon as I was awake, even if that was half 6 on a saturday. I went back to sleep an hour later as I started to feel tired enough to sleep again. So I think this approach may help - get up and go - do something, anything, other than touch myself and fantasise whilst kidding myslef that I can get back to sleep.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

SO I have managed 6 days without relapse so far. Its been a bit tough and feeling a bit up and down overall. I've had a coule of days where i've had huge bouts of paranoia and stress. Others when I've been a bit lethargic and somehwat lazy. I have also felt quite emotional at times, including crying a bit earlier. I always find at some point int he first 2 weeks I have a massive emotional outburst at somepoint, and its a healthy thing overall. But today especially, I have had glimpses of feelings of feelings of what can only be described as self pride. Not to say I'm feeling 100% super about everything. But definitely a bit more self accepting

 

[J01]

Hi SG.  What are you up to these days?  Hope you are still engaged in the battle and hanging in there-take care!

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Decided to make a return to posting on this forum having taken a break for a while.

I've pretty much continued in the cycle of rebooting for a few days then relapsing. Over the last six weeks or so and maybe had a period of about 10 days clean followed by a major relapse binge. Most recently I managed 19 days but then relapsed and binged. I've managed about two days this week but have been occasionally peaking.

However, I have decided to change tact. After my relapse from 19 days streak I came to realise that I cannot do this on my own, and not even forums are enough. I've been aware of my addiction for nearly 6 years and been in a constant battle with it having been previously oblivious. In that time however I have had limited intimacy and no relationships. I have tried things like tinder and other dating apps but I usually end up hijacking myself. Either by using it as a substitute for porn, or just making a mess of it whenever I chat to girls I would actually like. I also moved house in July but have ended up somewhere where I really don't like people are living with. I think this is further compounded my loneliness and my lack of self-worth. That's possibly led to relapse, but more importantly it's definitely something that underpins my addiction.

As a result I have decided to go and see a therapist and seek some proper help. I have found one in my area that has experience with porn addiction. I'm completely petrified about going in doing this, but I also feel it's something that I have to do because otherwise I've no idea I'm gonna get out of this rut. There has been times in the last couple of years where I have felt it's been as bad as it was maybe seven years ago. Despite some improvements in areas of my life, I definitely feel so much as lacking. So this is an action that needs to be taken.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

So I guess I'm on day one for my most recent reboot. To be honest I feel like shit. My anxiety is really high and my mood is flip-flopping quite a bit. I think part of its nervous about going to see a therapist. Some of it is also frustration with where I live because one of my flatmates is very strange and unwelcoming. I'm not eating very well at the moment either, as im tending to eat quite a lot of junk. I'm also quite tired and I've been taking naps quite a lot just to try and switch off. I have a week of university and doing an essay by really have little motivation and are not confident it's gonna get a good mark either. My mind is racing a lot with anxious thoughts and uncertainty. So is making things quite difficult.

Towards the end of my last reboot which was 19 days fully clean, I was starting to feel quite anxious and a bit lost as well, I think partly due to flat line and also due to withdrawal. However towards the end of it it did seem like my libido woke up in a really bad mood with hellish urges. As usual when you relapse you kid yourself for a little bit that's made things better. But it's not, it's definitely worse. I think I'm stuck with that feeling again never get out of this. Although in part that's why I'm opting for the therapy route. Particularly this time the emphasis will be on my addiction and not just  other issues I've had in life. But all in all, I'm definitely not good at the moment. I am going to force myself to go to the gym though and get some exercise and see if that gives me a little bit of a boost. I can only try at the moment.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Day 2

So I have managed 2 days. Happy to say my mood has lifted a bit. Getting some focus back and a bit of purpose. I have a lot of work for university over the next few weeks so its something to put my mind to. Unfortunately my first therapy screening appointment was cancelled due to the therapist being sick. A little frustrating but they will be in touch to rearrange in due course. So its a bit of a waiting game but at least I know it will be coming at some point. I've no doubt things will possibly get worse before they get better but thats kida why I have opted for therapy. I'm fed up ding this compleatly alone. Even having the forums still leaves a hole as i'm convinced there are a few things behind my addiction that I have to get to the bottom of. I was reminded earlier how the process of no fap has previously led me to be honest about aspects of my life. Whilst that was a challenge it was also a huge positive in the long run. So short term pain can bring long term gain. But its hard. No doubt about it!

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Day 3

not a lot to report. Mood has definatley lifted and had a fairly constructive day. Generally feeling better about myself and starting to get more focus. This is good as its also leading me to be actively finding things to do, which makes a big change to the start of the week when I was really quite down. So trying to make hay while the sun shines. Even went to the cinema on my own I did almost get a bit pre-occupied on a news website earlier clicking on a trasy article or 2 but managed to stop. Locked up my safe search as well. Whilst filters maybe dont stop relapses, they can at least act as a reminder if you are about to do something stupid. No word from the therapists yet but I will keep waiting and If i hear nothing chase them up.

So all in all i'm doing ok. Certianly much better than I was.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

On day 8

To day was mega buisy and a bit stressful and felt the occasional urge but managed to keep a lid on it.

Yesterday I had my first session with a therapist. It was an assesment session giving some back story of my life and what I felt my issues were. But in honesty it was the first time I had discussed my porn addiction with nayone face to face. I have discussed the subject of it with people before, but never in reference with myself and my own struggles. It only struck me afterwards and today how kinda big that is for me. I have been massively alone with this. save from forum posts. They said for sure that they can help me and Identified what thay, and I beleive is possible causes of my addiction. Its a long way to go and i've just started. But i'm pleased i'm taking this route with therapy. I've been trying and failing for 6 years now so something has to give.

 

[NewStart04]

Sentimental_geek

Wow, congratulations on trying something new and taking the big step of telling someone about it face to face! I've heard it mentioned that addictions thrive in secrecy, but once you start opening up to others in person and shining some light on the secret, the power that it wields over you weakens.

Please don't ever give up. I've been struggling with this for well over a decade, but I never truly gave up, and now I feel like I am on the bona fide path to recovery. The one that leads out of this long, dark tunnel to a place with far better scenery.

Take care and good luck.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Sentimental_geek

Wow, congratulations on trying something new and taking the big step of telling someone about it face to face! I've heard it mentioned that addictions thrive in secrecy, but once you start opening up to others in person and shining some light on the secret, the power that it wields over you weakens.

Please don't ever give up. I've been struggling with this for well over a decade, but I never truly gave up, and now I feel like I am on the bona fide path to recovery. The one that leads out of this long, dark tunnel to a place with far better scenery.

Take care and good luck.

Thanks for your kind words.

Unfortunately I relapsed yesterday, 3 times and MO'd twice this morning. THis is why I need therapy to help me!
I think in part its related to 1) Being tired and hungover on friday. And 2, and somewhat most interestingly, I was at a party that thursday before the hangover day and I realsied that 1) I dont really enjoy drinking anymore and 2) I find it difficult being round certian types of people. One person in particular I have kind of become friends with but I had this big realisation that deep down, I dont really like him. A story of my life has been trying to "fit in" with people. It suddenlty dawned on me that this was another example and actually It feels really false to pretend and liberating to be honest. But its left a funny feeling too. I am a very lonley person and i've no doubt porn use is directly linked to that.

So, yeah, I'm a bit all over the place today!!

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Relapsed again today. This has turned into a full on binge. Like out of control! Thats about 6 times in the last 3 days.
This is how bad it gets for me. I seem to get 10 or so days "hard mode" then i collapse compleatly. I kinda know I dont even want to do it and the aftermath will hurt. But still I let go.

I felt awful most of today as well after yesterdays relapse, which makes another one today even harder and frustrating. I feel pretty lost and lonely at the moment. And thats separate from the addiction, although its playing a part too. But i'm in a place in life right now where I dont have that many people close to me about. I dont have a huge amout of people close to me anyway as i've always been a bit of a loaner. But I really feel it just now. more than usual.

Jesus I hate this!!

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Managed 2 days so far.

Its been tough the last 2. It really does  remind me how awful a relapse is. That feeling of god awful despair, especially after a binge. But i'm getting there. I have exams in a month so that has been giving me stress and fear as well. The relapse has not really helped either. Its like all me confidence has collapsed. But I had a good evening tonight and also had a good gym session which helped. I know I can get through this slip up but its hard. Waiting to hear back from the therapist to see when I will start sessions properly. It feels right to be taking this action. I'm fully convinced my addiction is not just an addiction but is caused by something. In my life i've endured a phyisically and emotionally abusive father, 22 years of being undiagniosed with dyslexia and having to come to terms with that, feeling I was stupid, and feeling I was inadequate and inept with women. Porn has helped none of it, but I know things cause the porn addiction too. So its time to be honest and try and dig this out.

In the mean time, my goal is to carry on with reeboots. In the last year I have been in a cycle of relapse but did manage runs of 25 days, 20 days, a few 10 and 12 day streaks and a lot of shorter ones too. I have to give myself credit for the fact I keep trying. But its hard.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Sadly I relapsed tonight, twice, once after the other. Caught by the chaser, but also caught in the first place. I'm falling to bits a little!! I am mega stressed at the moment with university work and exams looming. My home life is not great either as I have a flat mate who is really anti social and not welcoming. So thats not helping

But ultimately this is my fault and my doing. I cant seem to get back on track at the moment. I cant seem to clear my head and fight the urges like I could even a week or so ago. And when I slip I tend to explode. I dont even really want to do it deep down, byt my addicted brain takes over. I feel numb but at some point i'm gonna emotionally explode. sick of it. really sick of it

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Another relapse today. Urges have been unbearable. I've no doubt its a result of chaser effect from binges. Feels almost uncontrollable. My target now is to basically get one full day without a relapse. Right now that will feel like any progress! I dont even feel upset. Just numb! I have so many ore things I could be doing with my time but its falling to bits at the drop of a hat. Not sure why my therapy is going to start but cant come soon enough. I'm waiting to hear back. Not that I see that as the single answer to all my problems. Not by a long shot! But I need something else to help as right now i'm really struggling!

 

[Sentimental_geek]

The cycle just isnt being broken. Relapsed twice yesterday and once today. Its out of controll again