Needing to Heal

[Sentimental_geek]

Today would be day 5 of the reboot, and happy New Year to anybody that is reading!

Been feeling quite good today actually. Had a good night last night for New Year's Eve. But also managed to sort a few things out with my mum and my sister regarding a bit of a fallout with had during the Christmas period, as mentioned in the previous post. It's taken a bit of a weight off my mind made me feel a bit better.

Not really had much in the way of urges or anything, but have had the odd fantasy flick through my mind. I think it's important for me to remember that whilst I can feel like using Palmer feel really down to feel better, I can also be guilty of moral licensing and allowing myself to have a peek when I feel really good thinking it will have no effect. It's never the case! But I have a lot of things I want to work towards in the next month, that should be setting me up for the rest of the year. An porn really is not something that can help with this at all. In fact it's a given that porn use would be detrimental to success, so in part that's a bit of a motivation for me. But it's still early days, I know those flat lines and all that stuff to look forward to. But despite some hardships over the Christmas period, and feeling at least starting to build a bit of consistency and my brain are starting to fix onto the idea that I want to do this. Not that when I relapsed it's not thinking that I want to do overall, but the old porn patterns are still getting the better of me.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

So I'm on day nine of the reboot so far.

It's been a little bit up and down the last few days. And there has been a couple times a corpus of Peking and in touching myself. Hard to see how close I was getting to through on relapse, but all the same is bad enough. Peking is my major issue. Giving myself the excuse to have a quick look at something thinking it will be fine, but all the while it will not be at all. It's the classic sign of an addict! You think you're improving in doing so well, then before you know it you get ahead of yourself start doing stupid stuff.

I'm fully aware though that Peking and even touching myself, even if I'm not looking at porn, as a reaction to something. By that I mean a coping mechanism. Obviously I was quite stressed over Christmas time is there was a lot of family things going on. But these last few days I've been quite anxious because I start a new job tomorrow (Monday) and its potentially going to lead to me moving to a new city. Which is a completely new beginning for me. And as bringing out a lot of anxiety. I been especially aware of this because I've been getting up late in the mornings. And in some ways I've been trying not to face certain things that might provoke that anxiety. Even though I'm fully aware that by doing that makes it worse. Not that that's an excuse, but at least let me see clearly that I do use porn and masturbation as a coping mechanism.

Even so, I have managed nine days without any fool on  PMO. I if at the very least this it's helping me start to identify things such as stress and anxiety, it's a start. As when I've been full on addicted all it's done is make me numb.

 

[changemylife]

That's right, man. When the brain is starved of porn, it begs you to do anything for a micro-dose of dopamine. This means that things like peeking and edging (which might seem harmless to you as you think you can control them easily) become very tempting and that's how you crack the dam and the river floods everything. That's how I relapsed yesterday. I fell (for how many times?) into this trap of thinking that a little edging will only bring me a little rush but I will stop easily. This led to watching porn and then masturbation. Then you sit there, depressed, asking why you did it. Any peeking, edging, touching your dick (to see if it's working), anything of this kind should be avoided completely. Why sabotage yourself? You have 9 days which is a good start. Don't fall into traps. I did and now I have to start over again which pisses me off. Do you want to know how I relapsed? I was in the middle of an urge and the idea of getting a hard on without touching my dick seemed exciting. Then this led to watching porn and edging which eventually ended with relapse. How many times do I have to do stupid things like that? "See if I can get a hard on without touching myself, see this, see that..." I can't believe it.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

So today was truly the worst for a while. As peaking an edging nearly led me to relapse, although I managed to stop myself in time. But it wasn't nice. I had a mood like a tornado for most of the day, although it's managed to calm down.

This is the biggest obstacle I have at the moment. Peaking and edging. In previous rebates have been able to kick this fairly quickly, and carry out a relative hard mode approach. Although it must be said I have relapsed, but managed to achieve a lot through such reboots. By the moment I just keep polluting my reboot attempts with peaking and edging. It's really annoying.

I think in some ways I've been using it to cope with stress. I didn't have a particularly easy Christmas due to family politics. I also started a new job on Monday, and had the mother of all anxiety the night before resulting in a sleepless night. However the first day went really well. And it's a job is gonna bring me a lot of experience to help me work towards something I really want to get into, which is clinical psychology. Something I could never have thought of when I was still the worst of my porn addiction some five or six years ago. I also start back at university on Monday, and I'm a bit nervous about that as this semester will be a bit more hard going. So I know I have been using porn masturbation orgasm and peaking and edging as a way of trying to cope with it. But it doesn't cope with it, it just makes it  a lot bloody worse. But this is definitely the biggest obstacle I face at the moment in terms of my reboot.

In general my moods been quite up-and-down anyway. I have also been getting really bad brain fog, I think in that period in a reboot (despite peaking etc) where a bit emotionally hammered anyway. I feel at some point and this can have a massive outburst of tears. When that is however, I'm not quite sure. But when it does God knows will probably feel better, even if just for a little while.

The biggest thing that is annoying me over the last two years of what and so much of my life, I do sometimes feel that letting porn creep back in as it has over the last year or so, and getting back into cycles of relapse, puts all at risk. I really wish I'd kicked this may be two or three years ago. But here I am still plugging away at it. I know it's worth it. I just wish I wasn't screwing myself over so fucking much!

 

[changemylife]

I have trouble regulating edging as well. I just relapsed 3 days ago because of this. But I always binge when I relapse. That day I didn't binge which gave me urges all day and I binged the next day to satisfy them. Just like that, a roller coaster that only went downwards. I had to get pissed off and start the hard mode to feel some strength.

If I don't go all the way, edging and watching P messes me up for the rest of the day. It does something in the brain or whatever. And I have the great habit of doing this early in the day because I don't like doing it when I'm tired. You may ask why. The biggest reason why I PMO is seeking the greatest "high". That's why I started going days without it just to build up the urges. Waiting days was initially a way to have stronger urges, not a way to quit or reduce. I always look for the "perfect conditions" for me to experience a great arousal and a great O. If I'm tired, I can't really arouse myself too well so that's why I don't do it in the evening. And in the evening would be better because it wouldn't mess up the rest of my day.

But anyway, I was talking about past. Now hard mode and that's it. I don't want that anymore.

The last thing I want to say: I think you know that our problems with anxiety/depression etc. are not exclusively because of PMO, but PMO has no place in our lives no matter what. We might end up using it as self-medication.

Peace \/

 

[Sentimental_geek]

The last thing I want to say: I think you know that our problems with anxiety/depression etc. are not exclusively because of PMO, but PMO has no place in our lives no matter what. We might end up using it as self-medication.

Without a doubt, this is correct. I know for sure I have been using it as a coping mechanism for other things recently. What is most frustrating tho is that when I stop, like in the past when I have had good streaks, I have been able to sort such things out. SO whilst Porn addiction may not be the cause of depression and anxiety, it never ever helps and only makes it worse. If only I could remind myself of that in the moment tho when I decide peeking and edging would be a good idea. Sometimes I can, but others I really struggle.

 

[changemylife]

PMO definitely makes anxiety worse. And you get in that vicious circle: You PMO thinking you relax the anxiety but the anxiety gets worse then you PMO again.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Yes I agree completely. It makes anxiety and stress a lot worse by far.

I think part of my problem is to fly relapse early on in reboot attempts, is because after the relapse for a couple of days you might feel down then you start to feel a lot better. And this can go on for about a week or so. In a normal reboot where not peaking or edging, I usually find after two weeks you go om a little bit of a downer again. In some ways this is the start of the flat line and the withdrawals. I'm finding that this is where I start to get a bit jittery, I think subconsciously the one thing for porn kicks in kicks in, to try and take me off any downer. Also sometimes if I feel really good, I think moral licensing gets in the way. This is when I feel because I've done so well, I can almost get away with it "just this once". Either way I end up fucking myself over!

At least that's something I started to notice. I just need to start noticing it when I'm about to start flapping to porn again, then hopefully can stop me in my tracks.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Relapsed again to day. Had 15 days clean but fucked it today.

Had a long and tiring but constructive week. Slept in this morning but procrastination took me down a slippery slope.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Unfortunately relapsed again today. I masturbated this morning till I came, and then PMO this evening. Feel like such a fucking idiot for it. But I've only got myself to blame.

I have quite a lot going on at the moment. A new job, looking for somewhere else to live in a new city, and I just started university again for this semester. So in a lot of ways I know it's been a coping mechanism for stress. But that's not an excuse!

I can't quite put my finger on what exactly is wrong. There is a reason I keep relapsing, but I can't quite work out. Temptation and horniness is not the only one anyway. I am definitely feeling a bit of disconnect and stress, which is quite annoying considering I have a lot of constructive things going on that I do feel connection with. Although I am aware that when I go to university and go to my job and quite happy with things, but when I come back home into my apartment I do start to feel lonely and a little bit like I still have 1 foot in the past. But the same time, this is also been the place to have had the most success on no fap. But then again I could chew my brain up about this round and round in circles.

The bottom line is though I relapsed, I feel stupid for it, but there is no point in beating myself up (or beating myself off, excuse the pun). But it is frustrating especially the seem to still be in a bit of a cycle of this, and I also realised I do feel a bit of numbness about it as well. But tomorrow is another day and all I can do is try and pick myself up again.

 

[changemylife]

We will never be able to quit porn for good if we don't move on from the past completely. Right now, I am somewhere in between, that doesn't help nothing. I am in a place between past and the future where I want to change my life. Circumstances make that I can't start my new life yet and I don't know when the fuck I will. I hope in a few months. I'm losing my fucking mind like this. Loneliness is killing me.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Relapsed again last night and this morning.

I just cannot control myself. It's a fucking shit mess!

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Relapsed 3 times in 3 days. Yesterday was especially horrible, but today i relapsed too. I can hardly trust myself at the moment. Its pathetic!

 

[changemylife]

I know, bro. You lose control and start questioning if you could do it in the first place. This is my 2nd day only, I know very well what it's like to have doubts about the light at the end of this tunnel. I don't know if it helps you but we definitely must not binge if we relapse. Once a day and that's it.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

I genuinely feel I have hit the lowest of the low today. In a sudden fit of urges I even downloaded tinder to perv on girls and relapse. Its not even porn! Even tho its pornographic in a lot of ways. As soon as I did it i felt like shit. But this monster seems to descend on me and its uncontrollable. Almost as bad as it was when I was at my morst. THere are so many more constructive things I could be doing with my time, but instead I do this!!!

I have been anxious as hell as well. I have a lot going on with study, work and finding some where new to live. I'm starting to feel its all gonna fall to bits. Similar to how I used to feel years ago. Its properly awful! No matter how much I tell myslef that I can do it or remind myself how much it fucks me up, I fall to bits so easily.

 

[changemylife]

I genuinely feel I have hit the lowest of the low today.

I'm not far from this. Some days ago I went absolutely crazy. I couldn't control my thoughts and I had impulse to come up with crazy stuff and write it in my journal. It lasted a few days then I seemed to return back to normal. That's the problem: You never know how long a phase like this will take. And you know that you are prone to them and you worry about going through one again.

In a sudden fit of urges I even downloaded tinder to perv on girls and relapse. Its not even porn! Even tho its pornographic in a lot of ways. As soon as I did it i felt like shit. But this monster seems to descend on me and its uncontrollable. Almost as bad as it was when I was at my morst.

This is like my living-room. I've jerked off to pictures of girls classmates countless times. Facebook didn't exist back then, it was Hi 5. And what's sick is that you meet them when you go to high school and it feels awkward as fuck. Things that are sick to normal people are pleasure for me. This is what fucking porn has done to me. I look at a picture on Facebook, I include the girl in a porn fantasy and then I turn myself on to the max fantasizing about cumshot. What's crazy with addictions is that addicts end up doing the same things. This stuff about jerking off to pictures from social media is more common than we think. What we need to understand is that we are not alone. It's not only us doing this and we are not the most weird guys. I got into Facebook after I finished high school and I had a lot of ex-classmates in my friends list. Then I started jerking off to this girl and I didn't use to do that back in high school. I sent her an invitation to Instagram so I could have access to her private profile and jerk off to the pictures. And the worst part in all this is that I didn't feel any remorse. Okay, I understand social media has turned into softcore porn but I should respect myself better, I should have more control over myself and I should remove myself from this. I don't want to empower that social media anymore by doing exactly what they want me to do: Salivate and jerk off all day.

THere are so many more constructive things I could be doing with my time, but instead I do this!!!

There are so many more destructive things I could do instead of this filth )))

I have been anxious as hell as well. I have a lot going on with study, work and finding some where new to live. I'm starting to feel its all gonna fall to bits. Similar to how I used to feel years ago. Its properly awful! No matter how much I tell myslef that I can do it or remind myself how much it fucks me up, I fall to bits so easily.

Yeah, man, the mind is the most difficult part of us to heal when it gets sick. It's not like your leg hurts. How can you stop all the chaos in the mind? How can you stop all the anxiety, depression, worries etc. These are rhetorical questions many times.

I'm writing all this because I could relate to it. I wouldn't if I didn't know how it felt. I'm definitely not speaking only from theory read on websites. I don't like telling people stuff like "be strong", "man up" etc. They are terrible things to tell to depressed people and I know that cause they annoy me as well when I'm at the bottom of the hole. So I won't tell you stuff like that. I don't have any advice or anything, I just want you to know that you are not alone cause I'm going through more or less similar circumstances.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Well I have managed a day without relapse, but to be completely honest it's been pretty shit.

Have been quite anxious all day and somewhat distracted. But this evening has been especially hard. There's so much on my mind anyway, that if it goes to prove anything being a porn addict makes the hard things in life a lot harder. This evening especially though I've just been really really stressed and up-and-down and it culminated in me actually getting quite emotional and bursting into tears. However I must say doing that at least acts as a bit of a release and a let out of steam. Because otherwise it have gone completely mental. However a really long run as well which also helped clear my head a little bit. So feeling a bit better now.

I think I have definitely hit rock bottom though. I haven't felt like this in a long time. And it's not just with other things that are going on. Because life will throw challenges at you, and sometimes they will make you feel like shit. But that's all part and parcel of life. But there's only certain things that will actually make you feel properly like you are buried in a hole with concrete being poured on top of you. In that horrible feeling as a result of relapse and porn addiction is exactly that. Usually it may be happens two weeks into reboot, and if I finally have success on this it will maybe happen again in a couple weeks. But right now while I'm fully conscious of how I felt, I know it's something that I never want to feel again. I have a friend passed away in 2017, it almost feels worse than that. Because I could at least accept that as there was nothing I could do to prevent it. But I know I could have prevented this at least in part. But if there's one good thing at least I felt that the motion and I managed to get out. God knows I've probably got more tears to cry in the duration of this. But if I managed to get some kind of a streak going at least I can start trying to sail away from it.

In a way we kind of need these feelings to really kickstart things sometimes. But the same time it's frustrating because I've been here before, and I know full well I don't want to feel like this again. But my actions can mean that I will. I have so much that I can be working on right now, but the continual relapse and emotional rollercoaster is taking me away from it. And it's not very nice.

So that was today. One of the worst in a long time. But hopefully a bit of a watershed moment as well. I say that with positive that will help me to kick on a bit now. Then again I may be back tomorrow with news of a Relapse. Who knows!?

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Unfortunately relapsed twice last night. Once to porn and once to just MO.

nightmare!

 

[Sentimental_geek]

So it's been quite a long time since my last post. To be honest I've been incredibly busy, as I moved house to a different town and have also had a lot of work with University. I was also a little bit ashamed to be posting as it was, in a long cycle of relapse. This has been very much often annoyed with some days and even the odd week attempting reboots, the broken up by excessive amounts of peaking.

However, I have managed three days now on the proverbial hard mode. This is the best I've done in a  while, as previous attempts over the last few months have been broken up by too much peeking. That seems to be the biggest downfall. I was even aware wreck sitting doing it basically this was betraying everything I was trying to do. But as I said I managed three days without any peaking, and I intend to keep going as best I can. I'm not gonna lie emotionally I have been all over the place the last three days, and on the day of my last relapse, which happened in the morning I had a massive outburst of tears in the evening. I was basically uncontrollable crying. But I feel so much better for it. However I'm still very up-and-down. It possibly doesn't help either flat at the funeral on Wednesday as my grandfather died last week, which has been quite upsetting as we were quite close, although he was very old. In some way it has brought some sense of perspective. The first couple of days after he passed I was definitely peaking and edging as a way of dealing with ourselves. The resultant relapse however brought a lot of pain. In the midst of it and feel it had a realisation doing these things doesn't ease the pain that makes it worse. There's a few other reasons as well but not gonna go into them. But on the whole there's definitely been a realisation that this is getting me nowhere. I also realise that I harbour a lot of regret for previous failed attempts rebooting. I have previously had some quite long streaks, but the last couple of years I have cycled in relapse a fair bit, with the last year being particularly bad. It's come to the point although I genuinely worry if this continues they will learn all the new opportunities it made for myself. And in the midst of that worry as I mentioned before I run the risk of harbouring so much regret. So I am working to let go of all. Emotionally at the moment is very hard and I am very up-and-down, but I feel in a way I need to feel this is reboots will work best when they allow you to face the honesty in your life.

Anyhow, that is where I am at. I'm gonna try and post a little bit more. But I've never been one to post for the sake of posting. But if anyone is reading, feel free to comment!

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Well managed to make it to 10 days, and I have successfully avoided looking at any porn, masturbating, orgasm, or relapsing!

I have had quite a lot going on in that time. My grandfather passed away a couple of weeks ago and his funeral was last week. As expected that occupied a lot of my minds and attention. It released a bit of family politics which was also quite a big distraction, although luckily that didn't become anything in the end. The sorts of things are never fun though!

I haven't really had much in the way of temptation, and any that I have had has been easily controlled. I always forget how good it is when your head is clear of porn, and the temptation of it as well. Although it's only been 10 days, I feel a lot more focused even in a short space of time. That's not to say everything is perfect for that I have found any "superpowers". To be honest I don't believe that rebooting brings superpowers. All it actually does is let you see yourself, albeit eventually, for who and what you really are. As you get free of the porno bull shit track that holds you down and holds you back, you start to realise you're not that bad a person.

Anyway, I don't know if I've been hit by the flat lines yet, which in itself can bring its hardships. I do fully expect that at some point my brain is gonna go mental and start doing the usual rubbish to try and tempt me back into the old ways. I'm aware of another area in my life in the shape of diet and exercise, that could probably do with a bit of improvement. But I am going to concentrate on this first. If I can get 10 days, then in the same amount of time ill be looking at 20,  and another 10 and thats 30 and.... Well you know where I'm going with this! But it's equally important that I just take every day as it comes celebrate each one is a small victory. I think a lot of my previous issues with reboots over the last year is that I get desperate to rack up huge streak because I was getting sick of the place I was at, which is usually the moments straight after a relapse when you feel really shit. The moments after my most recent relapse I felt awful, and I even got quite tearful. The next couple of days as well it felt like shit. But that's improved at least. But I am well aware that there could be some rough seas ahead as I  carry on with this. I have every intention however to stay off porn, no matter how hard it gets.