Needing to Heal

[Sentimental_geek]

I'm now 15 days into my reboot. Please to report I have not looked any porn, although I did get a little bit carried away earlier on Facebook looking at the profile of quite hot girl I know. But I managed to stop myself doing a stupid. If anything I just feel a bit dumb for getting carried away. Especially as in essence that's the fellow human being, that should be respected!

In general I've been feeling a bit more temptation of the last couple of days, but at the same time slightly desexualised. So I have a feeling of flat line may be coming. And to be honest it would be such a bad thing. This is usually the danger zone time where I can often end up going back to porn because I know my libido was about to plummet, and my brain makes a lastgasp attempt not to let go. At the same time kind of aware that what I am attracted to has gone completely out the window. Hence the de-sexualised feelings. In some ways I think it is a sign of my brain rewiring, because it used all the trash that I've looked at for so long.

Either way, it's definitely a move in the right direction for me is 15 days without any peaking at porn is the best I've done in a very very long time. And it is definitely reminding me as well as continuing to teach me the benefits of staying off porn. I am aware occasionally I get a little bored however. This may be a bit challenging in the next few months as my university will finish for the summer, and I will have a bit more time on my hands. However I am looking for opportunities both with employment and voluntary work that will hopefully plug the gaps.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

I'm on day 18 now. No relapses or peeking so still going strong in that department.

I've been very off and on temptation. Nothing this got the better of me. But I do find myself there again getting quite intense fantasy, which can be very tempting. I am however, able to let it pass. But it is annoying when it happens as it can stick in my mind for ages. It often seems to happen at the most awkward of times as well, and I have noticed this specially when I am tired.

I have also felt my mood being very up and down over the last few days. There has been points where I've been getting quite jittery and almost paranoid about the littlest things. As if the slightest little issue could bring my whole world down to pieces. There's also been times when I've just felt really sad and that everything I do is pointless. For example earlier I was working on a couple of assignments for university, and I found it impossible to concentrate. I also began to feel everything I was doing was just stupid and completely incorrect and not as good as what other people were doing. Just like this wave of despair descended upon me. It was quite a horrible feeling! It kind of comes and goes. So I have a feeling some kind of flat line is brewing, and with it may come more despair  and depression. It's a reminder that in reboots for me the first few days are always hell, then the next week or two are usually quite good. But then you are hit with another wave of hardship. What I find interesting is in my last reboot attempt, when I reached 50 or so days but was peaking quite a lot I didn't get this feeling. But this time as I have been a lot more strict I am starting to get it. It's definitely a sign of some kind of rewiring. I also find that despite fantasies that come into my head, and really not finding anything particularly sexually attractive at the moment. I feel like I have to convince myself that someone as attractive in a sexual way. I think it's my brain saying to me it just needs a rest, which of course is the whole point of a reboot!

Anyway that's very much just now. A range of slightly strange and strained feelings, and an underlying feeling that it may get worse before it gets better. But I'm not gonna get impatient, or at least try not to. But I have a long journey ahead.

 

[Greenzebra]

As someone going through reboot at a similar time as you i can totally relate sentimenal_geek.

The flat line, the emotional turbulence, im there too. All i keep remembering is my sex life since i was 16 years old has been influenced by porn. My wife, now 7mo old.child are and the things ive desired are all a result of this sick need.

Im 30 now and im only just experiencing my adhd in its full capacity. I procrastinate, i cant focus, im always moving... its a lot to take in.

I just keep focusing on that goal of being in a relationship that makes me happy.

School is meant to be stressful... its a lot if work. can you find ways to be happy where you are and be proud of going 40+ days!? The physical pain is enough to stop anyone! I can relate...

Goodluck... we're here for you.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Unfortunately despite my best eforts atn intentions I have fallen off the rails. The last three days I had started peaking again sometimes and slightly risky situations when I was at university. And then this morning I masturbated, albeit not to porn, but to the point I orgasm.

It's completely my fault as I let things slip massively. But I didn't enjoy in the slightest. At the moment of climax felt this massive adrenaline rush that made me feel a bit sick. And right now I feel like an absolute mess of confusion and shit.

Thats all I really have to say

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Relapsed a total of 3 times today....so thats a binge. Pretty disappointing but there is not much I can do. Got to about 21 days in "hard mode" but fell to bits int he end. Need to get it back together and try again. Feel a massive sense of emptiness but also loneliness. Lonely because I did it but also lonely because, well, i'm alone! I've been feeling that a lot recently and its really come to ahead today :-( So its all a bit shit!

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Relapsed again today after avoiding a relapse but peeking yesterday. Feel like its square one again. One moment I want to kick this, the next i'm a porn monster. I hate it. Absolutely hate it!

 

[J01]

And yet you are still here, still recognizing that the fight is worth it.  You just had a 20 plus day streak which means you have the ability to succeed. You have to keep going, don't give up.  No peeking-that is how it starts! 

 

[Georgos]

Try not to get into the habit of using this site for confessing relapses, it acts as a reward for your relapses over time. It is ok to confess, but the fact that you need to confess here shows that you still haven't forgiven yourself, which is the first step. Coming to accept what you have done and forgive yourself. I found that I only started to make real progress after praying for forgiveness, but I know prayer is not everyone's cup of tea, nevertheless asking yourself for forgiveness, or better still a higher power, which is one of the 12 step program's steps, is necessary. You need to forgive yourself, then use the posting to bolster your abstention rather than reward yourself if you fail. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. Posting things on the internet also stimulates the reward centre of the brain with dopamine, so if you relapse and then post, your basically just reinforcing things. Substituting posts for PMO is the point of journaling. One of the things I read about prayer is that after you have just committed something that you feel is against your principles, don't pray for forgiveness straight away. Wait a while. I think it is the same with posting. If you relapse, wait a while before posting. Build up a few days, then post how many days your on. I think you'll get better results. Thank you.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

And yet you are still here, still recognizing that the fight is worth it.  You just had a 20 plus day streak which means you have the ability to succeed. You have to keep going, don't give up.  No peeking-that is how it starts!

I appreciate that! I relapsed again tonight unfortunately. Im really struggling again. Cant seem to get back to where i was. I feel like my brain is completely at war with me. Like it dosent want to do anything i ask of it. All it seems to want now is porn. Feels a bit like everything has suddenly left me.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Try not to get into the habit of using this site for confessing relapses, it acts as a reward for your relapses over time. It is ok to confess, but the fact that you need to confess here shows that you still haven't forgiven yourself, which is the first step. Coming to accept what you have done and forgive yourself. I found that I only started to make real progress after praying for forgiveness, but I know prayer is not everyone's cup of tea, nevertheless asking yourself for forgiveness, or better still a higher power, which is one of the 12 step program's steps, is necessary. You need to forgive yourself, then use the posting to bolster your abstention rather than reward yourself if you fail. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh. Posting things on the internet also stimulates the reward centre of the brain with dopamine, so if you relapse and then post, your basically just reinforcing things. Substituting posts for PMO is the point of journaling. One of the things I read about prayer is that after you have just committed something that you feel is against your principles, don't pray for forgiveness straight away. Wait a while. I think it is the same with posting. If you relapse, wait a while before posting. Build up a few days, then post how many days your on. I think you'll get better results. Thank you.

THis makes little to no sense and really is not helpful at all as its very judgemental. How do you know "posting relapses om here" stimulates dopamine? Are you a neuroscientist? If it did would it really be a problem? Dompamine rewards for doing something positive are in themselves positive. Its the porn use stimulating dopamine thats the issue. Dopamine in itself is just dopamine. And its not your place to dictate what I can and cant write on MY forum thread!

 

[Sentimental_geek]

So I have managed 24 hours without porn. I was very tempted earlier, but managed to stave off the temptation. This is the start of a very long journey again. It's a journey of start many times before, and it's also one of getting a bit sick of having to keep doing. But I know it's the only answer that I have.

I have been a bit all over the place today, and unsure what to do with myself. But at least in some sense I feel achievement getting through at least a day.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Pleased to report so far I have made it a second day porn free. I have had a lot of temptation at times but have managed to hold it together.

Even after two days I feel a little more balanced. In some ways acts as a reminder as to why rebooting is a good thing. Even though I'm not anywhere near a flat line at the moment which will come. I also fully expect I'll get some withdrawals in the next week or so which may put me on a downer. But overall like I said it is a reminder that's staying clean gives huge mental benefit. If only I could remind myself of that in my darkest moments of temptation.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Unfortunately relapsed today. Urges got the better of me plus having university work to do kept me in all day so I had little escape from the computer. Not that its an excuse but I was 7 days in now thats up in smoke :-(

 

[J01]

Hi SG!  Hope the pressures from the University have abated somewhat for you.  It seems like there is always something popping up causing us stress!

Regardless of how you are doing, keep in mind your past successes such as your recent 20 day streak. Like you yourself said, being clean gives you a huge mental benefit-that is definitely the truth. Keep working at it !  Take care 

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Unfortunately I seem to be in a relapse cycle again. Get a couple of days in then it falls apart. Relapsed 3 times today.

My vice at the moment seems to be touching myslef, especially in the morning. This seems to set a tone in my mind that doing this is ok but one thing leads to another and, well, you all know the rest. I'm even fully aware that whenI t happens i'm doing something I dont want to. Impulse and stupidity is still getting the best of me.

I think I mabey need to start small. Aim for 5 days and dont think about 90 day streaks too much. If I get 5, push it to 7. 7 to 10, 10 to 15 and so on.

I'm also suffering badly from boredom at the moment and need to get on top of this.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

I have managed to go 11 days since my last relapse, although I have peaked once. But managed to stop myself doing anything completely stupid. So at some kind of progress at least!

My mood is definitely a bit down at the moment though, I'm getting a lot of brain fog at the moment too. I keep mulling over quite a few things in my head although some of it is just complete noise. But anyway 11 days progress for me in comparison to other relapsing I've been through. So my target now is just to try and make another 11 days and see how it goes. I'm trying to keep it as simple as possible. I know there is the 90 day magic number, but I think I do myself a lot better if I keep my target smaller and do a step-by-step.

 

[J01]

Great work SG, keep going.  Agree with the idea to keep it simple.  If you are still battling boredom then maybe try a little change in the routine and challenge yourself in something new and different.  Glad to hear of the progress.     

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Sadly relapsed tonight after 15 days. Had been peeking yesterday and let my self away with it tonight too. One thing led to another.  bit annoyed but I know all I can do is start again and go day by day. I've been pretty tired over the last few days and think that played a bit of  a part in it. Plus a little stressed too.

i had planned to go a month then give some online dating a bash. Seems that was not enough of a reward. Its usually the 10-25 days that I find the hardest. and agian that got the best of me.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Relapsed again tonight. Feel kinda empty and a bit lost. not even uopset, just empty. Constantly feeling alone with this as well. Dont even feel posting here helps anymore. Like no one listens.

 

[Lero]

I've had this problem so many times: Having a 15 or 20 days streak only to relapse and then not be able to go back to 20 days and relapse again after only 4. It's frustrating but you are not alone. It's happened to a lot of us. I know you've probably heard this 1000 times but we must not let a relapse go to waste. We need to see what went wrong, to see the mistake and try to avoid it in the future. It's not enough only to say: "Okay, I'll try again." Of course, we must try again but with new information. I haven't been doing a good job at this and I paid the price. Next time I will be more fucking careful.