Needing to Heal

[Sentimental_geek]

So today was very up and down. Due to having crappy sleep at the start of the week, I let myself have a lie-in. All fine EXCEPT when I woke up I started masturbating. Didn?t orgasm but again I should have just got out of bed and started my day rather than fucking about. Later on i got trapped in a you-tube hole and started looking at material that was a bit triggering. I stopped myself tho. Luckaly as I have open DNS its hard to go further than that and I managed to stop myself from doing that way before it got near it. But I was annoyed with myself. Put me on a massive downer and unleashed a lot of frustration, anger, agitation and annoyance. A trip to the gym followed by a cold shower helped a lot. But its an area that needs awareness and discipline.

I'm definitely in emotional limbo at the moment. Someday feeling good, others feeling detached and despondent and empty, on others feeling angry and agitated and sometimes even feeling racked with regrests of time i've wasted fapping and letting dreams and goals slip by. All over the place! :-(

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Today marks day 31. Thats technically a month!

I've come to the conclusion, that although I'm getting some urges and morning wood, i'm in a flatline and have been for a bout a week. I'm all over the place emotionally as well, still. The worst thing I am feeling is moments of extreme regret for the choices i've made in the past. Choices i.e porn that have lead to 1) an abysmal sex life and 2) being alone now. IT comes and goes. But it cuts like a knife when it creeps up. I also get agitated really easily and start catastrophising in my head, more than I ever have before. The fact I meditate helps alot as I can draw on the mindfulness eventually and tame it. But its hard. Its demotivating as well and is causing a lot of agitation and sleeplessness. SO its rough seas for me for a bit at least. I was hoping that the onset of flatline would be some numbness where I was neither here nor there mood wise. But instead my brain is having a riot. Gotta take it as it is, but it sucks! 

 

[Fappy]

Congrats on hitting the 1 month mark!
Its an important part of the reboot (at least it was for me), to never forget the things that have fucked up because of porns assault on your life. But try not to dwell on it too much. Just understand that those things will never happen again as long as you keep with the reboot

 

[Sentimental_geek]

So today was one of the hardest in a while. I'll cut to the chase, I came very close to relapse, saved largely thanks to a 5k run and a cold shower.

I've had a study week from University and trying to understand something that I?ve been stuck on for a while. So I?ve been in front of a computer a lot and getting frustrated. Anyhow, I started peeking, then a bit of edging. Thanks to porn blockers I cant go fully hardcore. Just brose crap on image sections of search engines. I managed to stop myself before it was too late. But I was annoyed with myself. Frustration really got the better of me. From this I definitely 1) need to go and speak to the lecturer about the area i'm stuck on 2) plan my study days more so i have time AWAY from my computer and 3) Stop fucking looking at porn if i'm pissed off at something!!!

After the almost mess I went for a run then a cold shower. Felt WAAAY better after it AND the thing I was stuck on (statistical analysis in Psychology for anyone interested) started to make more sense as my head was clear.

Its quite shocking how your mind can be doing so well, only to be hijacked and nearly fuck it all up. I think part of me subconsciously is trying to prevent a flat-line. Even though its 1) inevitable and 2) already happening to me, albeit without fully loosing labido - at least the porno sexual labido - and that?s the worst one. I have nit felt this bad in a long time, almost since before I started rebooting 5 years ago!! The thoughts of something challenging nearly made me fall to bits today and again the thought of porn making it all better seemed to creep back in with ease. Its not a nice feeling, especially when My mood goes all over the place like that.

Alas, it was a crisis averted but I need to shore a few things up for sure. Part of my brain still wants porn and its throwing everything at me to try and get it.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Day 43....and I'm very much struggling on!

Peeking and the odd bit of edging is my major issue at the moment and its almost lead me to relapse. But I've been able to hold back but not without my mood going mental!

I feel I'm in a pitched battle with my brain at times, but its like there are multiple parts to it.

The old brain wants porn. It wants to succumb to its habitual addiction and it wants to see everything as porn. I can barely even look at a nice looking girl at times without being triggered. ANd it starts getting int he way of other things too. When I try and study it rears its head. When I should be looking for jobs it rears its head - in this case, it starts with chronic procrastination then takes me where I shouldn't. ANd I shouldn't not just because of relapse but because I really need a new fucking job!!

The other side wants to carry on with the reboot and when it has the power to do so, I can get quite productive and proactive. This is the part that has ambition and desire and is less and less afraid to show it. When I get any kind of peak flow with it, it feels amazing. Better than any porn orgasm by miles and miles!!!

Then stuck in the middle is the loneliness. This part is the one that wants to feel a connection so sees the benefit of NoFap. But it also wants to be connected so ends up desiring porn and the old ways. The 2 above sit like the angel and the devil on my shoulder. I know what's right, but I also know what's really tempting. On top of this, I am guilty of being a good feelings junkie. When it feels its working and I'm in a flow, I always want to feel like that. But alas, what goes up must come down even if it goes up again. And that's where I think I struggle. I try to accept the disconnection in my life but immediately want the pron back to try and connect it, even though It will lead me to the same place in the end.

I know from this that its imperative to keep on with the reboot. But it is really really hard! No matter how rewarding it will be eventually, its a pitched battle in my mind at the moment.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Regret to announce I got 54 days but relapsed today. Feel like shit for it :-(

Thanks to twitter of all places, I ended up on porn related feeds, then on a torrent site. Started edging. On multiple occasions heard a voice saying STOP but let it get the better of me. PMO'd twice int he space of 3 hours. Feel like a total fucking loser!

I had actually masturbated and orgasmed on Sunday. I had hoped the occasional masturbation would be ok, even a good way to get a release as I felt a wet dream was brewing and could stay in control. Ideally one day I would like to be able to masturbate occasionally and cum but not fall into a porn oblivion. But sadly the chaser took hold and I let slip.

I can pinpoint what went wrong tho in a way. Obviously, the above has a role to play. But when I woke this morning the thought of touching myself came into my head. Instead of getting up and going about my day, I started to touch myself. I then got up and ate but was lazing around for a while on my computer. Thoughts got the better of me and it descended from there. Even when It got into my head that this was stupid I carried on which is especially annoying as I was getting better at switching off when It started creeping in. I had 101other things I could have been doing, but I fell in the trap. I could have got up when I felt the urge, gone for a run, had a shower, had some food, meditated then gone out as I had some things to do in town. I have a job interview coming up on Tuesday as well which I could have prepared for and Uni work I could be getting on with. But alas, looking at shit online got the better of me.

If I can take one thing from it, then its that I lasted 54 days. Some peaking, edging and a relapse, but its a start after a year of circulated relapse. But it's reminding me of how fucking shit it is when you slip-up.

Help me Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're my only hope.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Just relapsed again tonight.

Feel like I cant trust my own brain at the moment. Any excuse to peak and go from there and it just fucking crumbles!

Had a bit of a stressful day at times and have felt like a pent up loaded gun. In the odd moment i've felt calm and clear, suddenly the porn monster appears and I fuck it up again. Feels like i've made a massive mess of it all

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Unfortunately, my cycle of relapse has continued and I relapsed twice today. Once just masturbating, but another to porn. I feel that in the aftermath of relapsing I got stressed about realpsing again and its just snowballed. Feeling a bit calmer now having had a bit of a think about it all. The big thing that stands out is where my values lie in terms of rebooting. Although I got a 54 day streak, it was becoming alot about abstinence for abstinence sake. Int he process i lost sight of the goals and values i'm trying to create and work towards. I've no idea how long th ecycle will last. Hopefully It wont, but its definately to look at ways to switch things up.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Managed to complete a whole day today. Was a bit all over the place with bouts of moodyness, but survived.

A big thing thats come to mind today is how porn addiction is a huge representation of my sexual frustration. Once I thought it was an outlet but actually its a perpetual vicious circle. Starting when I was a teenager, bit of an odd kid that never felt like girls were interested in me. I guess I still feel that. But I have no actual proof for it other than clinging to my frustration and slipping back into the old way of PMO. It's probably something I should have realized years ago but it really comes to mind today. And I think that internal feeling has really reflected into a lot of my external life and perception. I see it with a few things in life as well. Like part of me has dreams goals and values, but another part is so frustrated by so much that it all falls apart.

That possibly sounds like I'm beating myself up. I'm not. But I feel a bit of honesty has to be had with myself.

 

[Edit_undo]

I can relate to this - the frustration and feeling like the odd one out as a teenager. Some social awkwardness comes with the teenage years for sure but I think getting involved in PMO does invoke some guilt or shame and frustration.  And with those being the so called formative years, it makes sense that some shadow of these tendencies would still be present in each of us today. Looking back, I didn?t want to get to know people too much or didn?t want to put myself out there to meet new people because ?what if they find out about my habits?!?? Meanwhile most people MO at that age. This habit/addiction thrives in isolation and undermines your confidence and self worth to the point that it is the most comfortable part of your day, and a seemingly safe place to escape reality when it doesn?t pan out the way we hoped. Plus it?s way easier to PMO than connect with real people.
There?s nothing wrong with some brutal honesty to ourselves if it brings about change or better understanding of ourselves.
Keep at it!

 

[Edit_undo]

Sentimental_geek, how are you doing?

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Sentimental_geek, how are you doing?

Stuck in a cycle of relpase. As I write, I have relapsed twice int he last hour having gone on a 4 day streak tho had a bit of peaking. Really have no idea how to break this and at the point of giving up. Cant put my finger on what is up or seem to find any kind of sticking power to build up a decent streak. Its a fucking mess to be honest!

 

[Edit_undo]

But you?re back... you can do this! Try to focus on the ?why? - what?s your end goal of quitting PMO? And remember positive outcomes from other times without using - less brain fog, more alert, more confidence... maybe don?t get so hung up on the streaks or day numbers if it?s going to bring you down.
Any idea what started this cycle? Stress from school or holidays? 

 

[Sentimental_geek]

But you?re back... you can do this! Try to focus on the ?why? - what?s your end goal of quitting PMO?

End goal is to not be controlled by porn and ultimately start having functional, sexual relationships.

As for what caused it, well i'm not sure. There have been some family issues lurking, a bit of stress about money and study and ultimately loneliness. Other than that its just being a fucking addict that loses control. But any excuse and I cave in at the moment. Seem to keep telling msyelf "Just one peek" then it turns into a mess. 

 

[Edit_undo]

That?s a pretty good goal.
And stress is a killer. Stress combined with lots of other things going on = lethal.  Stress and loneliness are common at this time of year, no matter how good your self care is. Do you have an escape route for when you are tempted? ?Emergency measures? - could be something simple like going for a walk outside or getting out of that room to get a glass of water. Or leaving your computer/laptop out of your room at night to avoid being tempted. Sounds like in the past you used running 5ks and cold showers. At least once you have a plan the only hard part is having the self discipline to follow through with it. Resisting once will set a precedent. Resisting twice becomes a routine. Routines become programmed responses.

Wishing you strength and success.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Still in a cycle of repalse. The worst its been in a long time, at least 4 times in the last week. Cant get my head clear, cant seem to build consistency or motivation. Dont even feel bad. Just feel numb. Its pretty horrible! No idea what to do to be honest.

 

[changemylife]

What's been helping me is the website "Your brain on porn". There is a section there called "Advice from successful rebooters" and they give a lot of strategies, tips, motivation and stuff like that. I go there everyday and read. You can really find plans and lessons about how to do it.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

What's been helping me is the website "Your brain on porn". There is a section there called "Advice from successful rebooters" and they give a lot of strategies, tips, motivation and stuff like that. I go there everyday and read. You can really find plans and lessons about how to do it.

During previous reboots are used to go on there quite a lot. I have read quite a lot of the articles previously and you are correct they are very helpful. I haven't had a look on the site in ages though it might be worth me having another look I suppose. No harm in reminding myself of strategies of others. My biggest problem has been peeking and ageing file speaking. Principally I know that Peeking is what leads to relapse. And it's not something I'm doing as a choice per se, although ultimately I am choosing to do it. But more so as a result of my brain getting the better of me and giving in. Although in previous reboots in previous years I did relapse, I was able to go for a fair stretch of time without Peeking. This has been a major downfall for me this time.

At least I have managed to get through one day without relapse which given my recent issues, is quite an achievement. I really just need to take each day as it comes at the moment. One thing I am aware of is that part of the reason for my relapse recently has been to a lot of stress. There are a few issues in my family, which include the fact I don't speak to my brother currently as cutting a long story short is a bit of a dick. Obviously with it being Christmas time, that had some repercussions. As a result of us being nil by mouth, I wasn't invited to my mum's for Christmas. Not actually a major issue, but for the fact nobody else in the family really made much effort to contact me during this period which is a bit shit. The whole thing was quite stressful and upsetting and it's definitely been at the forefront of my mind. But there is possibly other reasons to and loneliness is definitely one.

But anyway my mind has settled a little bit since my relapse yesterday. I'm starting to see a bit more clarity and feel a little bit more balanced. And at the very least I feel a little bit of motivation to get stuck into reboot again, no matter how hard it is.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Well I have made it two days so far.

I've not had much in the way of urges for porn or even masturbation. However I have had urges to pig out on junk food like doughnuts for some reason. But I managed to refrain. I also had the urge to go and buy lots of beer and drink it but also refrained. However I did have a couple of glasses of wine earlier but nothing major. I'm slightly at a loss of what to do to fill in time. Yesterday I had a day out in another city which was good to get away. Today I had a wander around the town that I live in, and did some bits and bobs of shopping. But I am aware are properly need to find something to fulfil myself. I start a new job in a couple of weeks and also start back at university so that will take up some time. I will also need to start flat hunting as I moving to another city which will also occupy my time a bit as well. I'm considering finding somebody that is looking for our flatmate as I think having somebody else around could be a real help. When I think about it, my porn addiction has really got its worst since living on my own. This is when I have had my own Internet connection and all the time in the world to indulge.

This but anyway today has been okay, and hopefully tomorrow will be to. But I just really need to play it by ear and take it day by day. I'm gonna try make the effort to post more on here as well, as I let that slip previously. I also have an accountability partner and that has also been helping as well. Last night I also rule out a bit of a life vision. Nothing massively groundbreaking or earthshattering. But help me remember everything I've been working towards recently, as well as remind me of how far I have come over the last couple of years even if that has included relapses.

 

[Sentimental_geek]

Today was day three of the latest reboot attempt.

It's been quite up-and-down to be honest. Managed to keep myself fairly occupied with some voluntary work that I do plus went to the gym. But this evening has been quite difficult, not so much due to urges more so down to mood. I think part of the is the usual post-orgasmic withdrawal. I had the sort of high from the relapse, but now it's all hitting home. However part of that is due to something else, which in itself I think has been responsible for the latest cycle of relapses to an extent.

Keeping quite a long story short, I had a massive fallout with my brother a couple of years ago. Basically because I was doing some voluntary work that was related to mental health which is something I'm interested in having gone through mental health difficulties myself. It was thanks to no fap reboots in the past that I began to realise these difficulties and took steps to remedy them by seeing a counsellor. My brother took issue with me being open about these things and was somewhat nasty to me. So we fell out. My mom and my sister decided not to get involved, which I can partly understand. However this is largely due to the fact that they often appease him as he's been shit bag to them as well in the past. Anyhow because of the fallout I was not invited to my mom's house for Christmas this year as he was going. I found this out back in November. To be completely honest it's not been an easy thing to deal with. And as Christmas got closer it lingered on my mind a lot more and upset me a lot more. On top of that however no one else in the family actually asked me how I was feeling about it. It was just kind of swept under the carpet. Coupled with this over the actual Christmas period, I have had no contact from my sister. I kinda just wanted to keep myself to myself over Christmas anyway, but this is just completely weird and there's no explanation for it. The whole thing's been fucking with my head for the last month or so but it's got even worse this last week. So I think in part this has fuelled my cycle of relapse recently. And it's been tough. Not just the relapse but the family bull shit as well.

Throughout my life family has been a major cause of stress for me. Going back to when I was younger with the abuse and stress that my dad caused, followed then by the stress of my parents divorcing then my brother being somewhat dysfunctional. My family sweep things under the carpet and are not very good at listening or facing difficulties. Recent events are a prime example. That's not to say that relapsing is their fault. I have to take responsibility for my actions. However I do feel what happened recently has really dragged me down. Today it really struck me that certian relationships have maybe changed beyond recognition, namely that of the one I have with my sister. Previously we used to get on quite well. But since the fall it was my brother she has been a little bit distant, and recent events has really brought that to a head.

So today that's been on my mind quite a lot. I had to text her earlier because my grandad is in hospital. She replied acknowledging the news but when I sent another reply saying that I had some Christmas money for her daughters she didn't bother going back to me. Might not seem a lot, but for me it is a tell-tale sign. I was very upset earlier on. I went for a long walk and found myself in tears on the way home. I felt a bit better for letting it out, but I do feel there is probably more coming. I will be really pleased when this festive season is over and I can get stuck into my new job and back to university! Things I really can connect with, because sadly at the moment family is not one of them.

So that's how I've been feeling today. Not great. But at least it's real. Added to that I have managed not to relapse, although I've not even been thinking that much about poor and really other than the odd flicker across my mind. But I know the next week could be quite tough emotionally, not just with what's been going on but with what I know to expect from the initial withdrawal.