Trekking to Freedom
- Thread starter BigMog
- Start date
Thanks for the encouragement Jbow!
Still trekking along. Not much to report: no urges to speak of. I?m still a little lethargic, probably as a result of still needing to recover and catch up with some sleep after my last binge.
I?ve managed to set up restrictions on my iPad with a passcode that takes some effort to recover. I?m hoping this will reduce the possibility of the occasional slip and binge that, in the past, I?ve just fallen into without thinking.
I aim to keep busy, keep vigilant and fill my life with good activities.
Keep going everybody!
5 Days Clean
Still trekking along. Not much to report: no urges to speak of. I?m still a little lethargic, probably as a result of still needing to recover and catch up with some sleep after my last binge.
I?ve managed to set up restrictions on my iPad with a passcode that takes some effort to recover. I?m hoping this will reduce the possibility of the occasional slip and binge that, in the past, I?ve just fallen into without thinking.
I aim to keep busy, keep vigilant and fill my life with good activities.
Keep going everybody!
5 Days Clean
So far so good, though I?m aware I must not let my guard down. I?m keeping busy, continuing to journal and I spend a few minutes each day either reading other RN journals or good information on YBOP etc. I have a few precautions in place to try to prevent the absent-minded slips caused by moments of weakness.
I haven? t talked about this before on the forum but in terms of my libido, I have some MW intermittently, but also PIED. My wife is not too concerned about this as, for health reasons and menopause etc, sex for her is not a priority at all, although she likes affection and cuddles etc. This used to upset me and I got into a vicious cycle of PMO, not being able to perform with my wife, then more PMO. The worry that I may not have sex again in the marriage would really gnaw at me. (I really didn?t and still don?t want to inflict the damage on the family and others by having an affair or indulging in other risky behaviour. In the end, despite our ups and downs, I love my wife).
Strangely, now, I?m less bothered, more philosophical about sex. Maybe it?s my age and a declining libido anyway, or may be I?ve just acclimatised to the situation in which I find myself. I just don?t want to be in the thrall of PMO and continue to experience all the misery, wasted time and low self esteem it has caused me. If it happens that after several months of no PMO, things improve in the bedroom, then that would be a wonderful bonus, but beating the addiction and having a richer life is my priority.
Anyway, enough of my self-indulgent ramblings!
We all have a journey to continue. Keep trekking, stay on the wagon!
7 Days Clean
I haven? t talked about this before on the forum but in terms of my libido, I have some MW intermittently, but also PIED. My wife is not too concerned about this as, for health reasons and menopause etc, sex for her is not a priority at all, although she likes affection and cuddles etc. This used to upset me and I got into a vicious cycle of PMO, not being able to perform with my wife, then more PMO. The worry that I may not have sex again in the marriage would really gnaw at me. (I really didn?t and still don?t want to inflict the damage on the family and others by having an affair or indulging in other risky behaviour. In the end, despite our ups and downs, I love my wife).
Strangely, now, I?m less bothered, more philosophical about sex. Maybe it?s my age and a declining libido anyway, or may be I?ve just acclimatised to the situation in which I find myself. I just don?t want to be in the thrall of PMO and continue to experience all the misery, wasted time and low self esteem it has caused me. If it happens that after several months of no PMO, things improve in the bedroom, then that would be a wonderful bonus, but beating the addiction and having a richer life is my priority.
Anyway, enough of my self-indulgent ramblings!
We all have a journey to continue. Keep trekking, stay on the wagon!
7 Days Clean
BigMog,
I'm in a similar boat to you and really admire your coming here to post regularly and not just read the stories of others - that is a big step, and when you know you have a journal to write and people who read it, it gives you another level of accountability that helps keep you on track.
I'm convinced there is no "magic button" to beat this addiction; there is only a vigilant focus on not participating in steps, or repeating mistakes of the past, that put you into dicey situations. For me, that is keeping the iPhone away during bedtime, refocusing my efforts during periods of boredom to working out, reading books, watching movies, etc. Anything that prevents the mind from wandering and thinking about the dopamine high that porn can bring.
Your past streaks of abstinence are all great foundations that will enable you to build upon strong progress made thusfar. I have found that each long streak helps to heal my brain and my body just a little bit more; my focus as of late is to completely avoid masturbation altogether and even looking at moderately suggestive images (swimsuit, instagram, etc); this has forced me to focus solely on my partner and to save myself and savor each moment I have with her, as our sex life really is incredible and I feel like a cheap fraud if I dont devote my sexual energies into our relationship. That is my motivation - what is yours?
I'm in a similar boat to you and really admire your coming here to post regularly and not just read the stories of others - that is a big step, and when you know you have a journal to write and people who read it, it gives you another level of accountability that helps keep you on track.
I'm convinced there is no "magic button" to beat this addiction; there is only a vigilant focus on not participating in steps, or repeating mistakes of the past, that put you into dicey situations. For me, that is keeping the iPhone away during bedtime, refocusing my efforts during periods of boredom to working out, reading books, watching movies, etc. Anything that prevents the mind from wandering and thinking about the dopamine high that porn can bring.
Your past streaks of abstinence are all great foundations that will enable you to build upon strong progress made thusfar. I have found that each long streak helps to heal my brain and my body just a little bit more; my focus as of late is to completely avoid masturbation altogether and even looking at moderately suggestive images (swimsuit, instagram, etc); this has forced me to focus solely on my partner and to save myself and savor each moment I have with her, as our sex life really is incredible and I feel like a cheap fraud if I dont devote my sexual energies into our relationship. That is my motivation - what is yours?
Hi jj07! Thanks for your well-written post. I agree with all your points. It took me a long time to bite the bullet and start journaling, and it?s too early to say definitively that it?s going to make a really big difference but it feels like it?s helping. Certainly, I?ve read in several other places that it?s a strong tool to use.
Yes I think vigilance is crucial. I do have to keep coming back here and YBOP to remind myself that I?m still a work in progress. On other occasions I?ve thought, ?Hey, I?m OK, I?m not missing PMO at all, I haven?t had any strong urges for quite a while.? Then, maybe a couple of days later, suddenly, out of the blue, CRASH! I foolishly find some pretext for looking at something I shouldn?t, and I?m gone!
So, as well as reminding myself every day or two of my intention of being free of PMO and also keeping ?safety straps? in place to make it difficult to access eye candy, soft porn or hard porn without deliberate effort, I?m also trying to do more worthwhile activities for self improvement. I guess, it?s all part of ?Project BigMog.? I?m beginning to read more books, either physical or on Kindle, fiction and non-fiction, but avoiding just browsing on pc or tablet in case I get diverted where I don?t want to go. I?m in gradual training for various running activities. I also have a few other minor hobbies. An important point for me is that these aren?t just distraction activities, to make me avoid porn or to fill in the time when I would otherwise be using porn, they?re activities I feel are worthwhile in themselves and for which I have goals and targets.They are part of what I hope is a positive upward cycle of improvement.
That probably all sounds a bit self centred, but of course by doing these things and weaning myself off PMO, it will also make me, I hope, more stable, happy and therefore attentive to my family. So I guess my motivation is to be a better husband, dad and generally more accomplished all round.
Keep trekking everyone!
9 Days Clean
Yes I think vigilance is crucial. I do have to keep coming back here and YBOP to remind myself that I?m still a work in progress. On other occasions I?ve thought, ?Hey, I?m OK, I?m not missing PMO at all, I haven?t had any strong urges for quite a while.? Then, maybe a couple of days later, suddenly, out of the blue, CRASH! I foolishly find some pretext for looking at something I shouldn?t, and I?m gone!
So, as well as reminding myself every day or two of my intention of being free of PMO and also keeping ?safety straps? in place to make it difficult to access eye candy, soft porn or hard porn without deliberate effort, I?m also trying to do more worthwhile activities for self improvement. I guess, it?s all part of ?Project BigMog.? I?m beginning to read more books, either physical or on Kindle, fiction and non-fiction, but avoiding just browsing on pc or tablet in case I get diverted where I don?t want to go. I?m in gradual training for various running activities. I also have a few other minor hobbies. An important point for me is that these aren?t just distraction activities, to make me avoid porn or to fill in the time when I would otherwise be using porn, they?re activities I feel are worthwhile in themselves and for which I have goals and targets.They are part of what I hope is a positive upward cycle of improvement.
That probably all sounds a bit self centred, but of course by doing these things and weaning myself off PMO, it will also make me, I hope, more stable, happy and therefore attentive to my family. So I guess my motivation is to be a better husband, dad and generally more accomplished all round.
Keep trekking everyone!
9 Days Clean
Good job big. I know from my 3 + years of battling this horrible addiction you need to really be aware of YouTube. You can get on there with the best of intentions and before you know it, it has sent you down a dark alley. Then when it has you on the very risky videos you decide to check out your porn site. I know this because I've had this happen to me more than I care to remember. I was on YouTube yesterday watching gary wilson and coach church. Just be careful. It's a very slippery slope. Good luck and keep your guard up every second of every day.
workinprogressUK
Well-Known Member
BigMog said:
Good progress, BigMog! For what it's worth, I totally buy-in to your plan to fill your time with positive, challenging, real-world activities that prevent a risky vacuum being established once we remove the P. That was certainly key to my longest spells of sobriety. Although in my case, the healthy activities didn't all prove sustainable over the long term. And I don't think you should worry too much about being a little self-centred. It sounds like you're keeping things balanced and your family will definitely appreciate the brighter, more engaged, BigMog. From another perspective, fixing your addiction surely has to take precedence over your other emotional commitments, too. More power to you!
Good job big. Rightnow you need to be very cautious. Right now your brain wants to trick you into getting that dopamine rush. Be careful, just know that. Your going to think your little one isn't working anymore. It is. Your brain is changing right now. Stay strong brother. We are all on a roller coaster ride. Ups and downs.
Thanks for the reminder Jbow! It?s good to be reminded how easy it is to step off the right path and before I know it find myself at the bottom of the abyss.
Last night we had a pleasant meal out with another family we know. With our family and work commitments we don?t do that too often so it was a welcome reminder to me of how important social connections are. I can almost feel new or under-used neural connections firing-up just from chatting and interacting with other real humans in a relaxed, non-work setting.
Naturally, I want to choose to stimulate the right neurones and not the ones associated with PMO. I just need to be vigilant and do everything I can to ensure I make the right choice whenever I?m tempted to do otherwise.
At 14 days now- a small milestone. Let? all keep going to win this battle!
Last night we had a pleasant meal out with another family we know. With our family and work commitments we don?t do that too often so it was a welcome reminder to me of how important social connections are. I can almost feel new or under-used neural connections firing-up just from chatting and interacting with other real humans in a relaxed, non-work setting.
Naturally, I want to choose to stimulate the right neurones and not the ones associated with PMO. I just need to be vigilant and do everything I can to ensure I make the right choice whenever I?m tempted to do otherwise.
At 14 days now- a small milestone. Let? all keep going to win this battle!
switched_off_again
Member
Hi BigMog - good to read that you're currently doing well. Reading through your posts, I see a lot of experiences and thoughts I recognise from my own Reboot - the need for extra vigilance when feeling high or low - that's where I came unstuck the last couple of relapses. The less than stellar sex life with my wife, yep know it well - I have to learn to be realistic and gain perspective though - we're in our 50's, there's loads of responsibilities and other pressures on our time and emotions - we are not going to have a sex life comparable to that of a 20 year old.... That's one of the things I've thought before - my PMO habit has stopped my attitude towards sex from maturing in line with my age. I've remained overly sensitised and way too dialed in and dependent on sex for comfort.
Anyway I'm keeping it brief tonight - sleep's required after staying up too late last night getting all maudlin...
Keep it up, stay vigilant, we can beat this!
Anyway I'm keeping it brief tonight - sleep's required after staying up too late last night getting all maudlin...
Keep it up, stay vigilant, we can beat this!
workinprogressUK
Well-Known Member
BigMog said:
Congrats on the milestone and on investing in a night out. After years of addiction, and your non-P neural pathways getting overgrown and out of shape, do you find yourself becoming more introverted? I really have to challenge myself to be more sociable nowadays, because I think addiction in whichever form it presents itself, tends to make the sufferer withdraw into themselves. Even in recovery. Nice work, BigMog. Keep pushing yourself out there.
Thanks WIPUK, certainly if I?ve just had a binge within the last day or too I want to avoid any social situations! Having said that, I think I always was a bit of an introvert, but then again may be that was because of P(very softcore)MO as a teenager. Hard to untangle all of that.
Over the last few years I?ve kept a journal, more a spreadsheet really and amongst other things, as suggested by a self-help book years ago, I?ve recorded ?three things which have made me happy this week.? A bit simplistic really, but it very quickly showed that the highlights of my weeks were often simply interactions or conversations with friends, colleagues or neighbours or family. These are preferably in small groups or even individually. I?ve always found large gatherings slightly stressful.
So yes, It can be a struggle sometimes but I try to make a point of some socialising and interactions, so hats off to my wife who arranged the outing on Saturday after I?d suggested it a week or so back.
Feeling a bit under the weather today, but still trekking along:
16 Days Clean
Over the last few years I?ve kept a journal, more a spreadsheet really and amongst other things, as suggested by a self-help book years ago, I?ve recorded ?three things which have made me happy this week.? A bit simplistic really, but it very quickly showed that the highlights of my weeks were often simply interactions or conversations with friends, colleagues or neighbours or family. These are preferably in small groups or even individually. I?ve always found large gatherings slightly stressful.
So yes, It can be a struggle sometimes but I try to make a point of some socialising and interactions, so hats off to my wife who arranged the outing on Saturday after I?d suggested it a week or so back.
Feeling a bit under the weather today, but still trekking along:
16 Days Clean
workinprogressUK
Well-Known Member
Congrats on staying clean so far, BigMog. Keep working it. For what it's worth, your spreadsheet sounds well worthwhile. Whatever it is that keeps us present and keeps our brains engaged in the real world has to be worth it, right?
Still going OK. I head off for a week away for work. As before, I?m taking plenty to read and watch while I?m away and the circumstances are not as stressful as previous trips, so I?m hoping I can stay on the wagon. I?ll make sure I check in with RN most nights, just so I don?t forget my mission. Last time I fell when I arrived home-hoping I can avoid that on this occasion.
Keep trekking everyone.
20 Days Clean
Keep trekking everyone.
20 Days Clean