Trekking to Freedom
- Thread starter BigMog
- Start date
Thanks Jbow-you?re absolutely right!
I?ve been busy with work and tired in the evenings and although I?ve skimmed through a few new posts in journals, I?ve not posted here myself. Suddenly this evening when I got back, I found myself beginning to think about looking for porn. Fortunately, I was able to remember that is exactly what I don?t want to do! It is strange that if I don?t visit this site and post or remind myself about my aims some other way every couple of days, I forget my goals. So after this post, I?ll read a few more journal entries and force myself to respond to at least one, even though I?m pretty tired.
The week has gone pretty well so far. I knew some of the colleagues at the meetings already, so it wasn?t too stressful. As usual, at times I felt a complete fraud because I think I know and understand far less about everything related to the project than anybody else. But I guess on my particular, small area I?ve been able to demonstrate I have some useful information. I think I gave a pretty reasonable presentation and contributed to the discussion and completed useful documentation subsequently.
Perhaps feeling more relaxed and even moderately successful made part of me think that I deserved a ?treat.? Anyway, I think I?m OK now.
Keep strong everyone!
23 Days Clean
I?ve been busy with work and tired in the evenings and although I?ve skimmed through a few new posts in journals, I?ve not posted here myself. Suddenly this evening when I got back, I found myself beginning to think about looking for porn. Fortunately, I was able to remember that is exactly what I don?t want to do! It is strange that if I don?t visit this site and post or remind myself about my aims some other way every couple of days, I forget my goals. So after this post, I?ll read a few more journal entries and force myself to respond to at least one, even though I?m pretty tired.
The week has gone pretty well so far. I knew some of the colleagues at the meetings already, so it wasn?t too stressful. As usual, at times I felt a complete fraud because I think I know and understand far less about everything related to the project than anybody else. But I guess on my particular, small area I?ve been able to demonstrate I have some useful information. I think I gave a pretty reasonable presentation and contributed to the discussion and completed useful documentation subsequently.
Perhaps feeling more relaxed and even moderately successful made part of me think that I deserved a ?treat.? Anyway, I think I?m OK now.
Keep strong everyone!
23 Days Clean
Unfortunately, I let myself down and had a lapse at the end of my week away for work. Got to the hotel room on my last night, quite late and tired and started purposelessly channel flipping and began to slide down the slippery slope. It continued when I got home the following day. Things had generally been going well at work during the week but I had a bit of a set-back on the last day. Not sure if that affected my attitude and resilience.
There are a few trends here:
The first seems to be that I?m more vulnerable when I?m away from home and out of my usual routine.
Also I seem to coast along pretty well for a while with not much in the way of craving for a few weeks, but then when I see the funnel I sometimes can?t resist dancing on the edge of it with the inevitable consequences.
Tiredness, being upset or in other ways being emotionally out of kilter make me more likely to fall.
Of course I probably already knew all of the above, but it still hasn?t stopped me eliminating the lapses. The good news is
I have several similar trips coming up which will allow me opportunities to perfect my tactics to stay clean.
The other positive is that my two lapses this year have so far not degenerated into major binges as I had over the Christmas break.
Joepanic, Jbow, many thanks for your recent encouragement. Reading your comments here and in your own journals has helped me to be determined to get back on my horse and keep on trekking, even though it has been and will continue to be along journey.
Keep Trekking everybody.
1 Day Clean.
There are a few trends here:
The first seems to be that I?m more vulnerable when I?m away from home and out of my usual routine.
Also I seem to coast along pretty well for a while with not much in the way of craving for a few weeks, but then when I see the funnel I sometimes can?t resist dancing on the edge of it with the inevitable consequences.
Tiredness, being upset or in other ways being emotionally out of kilter make me more likely to fall.
Of course I probably already knew all of the above, but it still hasn?t stopped me eliminating the lapses. The good news is
I have several similar trips coming up which will allow me opportunities to perfect my tactics to stay clean.The other positive is that my two lapses this year have so far not degenerated into major binges as I had over the Christmas break.
Joepanic, Jbow, many thanks for your recent encouragement. Reading your comments here and in your own journals has helped me to be determined to get back on my horse and keep on trekking, even though it has been and will continue to be along journey.
Keep Trekking everybody.
1 Day Clean.
So for a few days I?ve been off the horse and wallowing in the pit of filth. Once I fall off I do find it hard to fight off the chaser effect and I end up finding the defects in the defences in my technology and binging repeatedly.
This is quite worrying because it?s a pattern of behaviour I?m probably reinforcing: periods of up to a few weeks of abstinence followed by binging. The ?chaser? effect is really powerful, once I?ve lapsed even for a comparatively short time, I find that intermittently for days afterwards I?m craving and very easily triggered.
As well as just the arousal, some of it is emotional, I feel such a klutz when I?ve lapsed that part of me wants to medicate to make me feel better, which of course leads to a downward spiral.
All of this I know is not unique to me and I?ve read similar descriptions elsewhere.
Anyway, I?ve come to my senses now. I just need to work out how to fix the technical weakness in my defences (Amazon Firesticks belonging to my wife in this case) and to also reinforce my good habits of general self-improvement, mindfulness and of course posting here.
Keep strong everyone.
This is quite worrying because it?s a pattern of behaviour I?m probably reinforcing: periods of up to a few weeks of abstinence followed by binging. The ?chaser? effect is really powerful, once I?ve lapsed even for a comparatively short time, I find that intermittently for days afterwards I?m craving and very easily triggered.
As well as just the arousal, some of it is emotional, I feel such a klutz when I?ve lapsed that part of me wants to medicate to make me feel better, which of course leads to a downward spiral.
All of this I know is not unique to me and I?ve read similar descriptions elsewhere.
Anyway, I?ve come to my senses now. I just need to work out how to fix the technical weakness in my defences (Amazon Firesticks belonging to my wife in this case) and to also reinforce my good habits of general self-improvement, mindfulness and of course posting here.
Keep strong everyone.
Good morning big mog...welcome to porn addiction. I know exactly how you feel. I can imagine you get into your own private motel room and know you can do whatever you want on the internet, and no chance of getting caught, most of us in here have experienced this. You might even get like butterflies in your stomach as you walk into your room. You just need to know how you are going to feel when all is said and done. Over the last couple of months I've had many opportunities to go on a binge.im going to choose to stop doing that. I'm so damn sick of doing that and feeling like shit, and then just spiraling out if control. I'm hoping I haven't offended you, in just speaking from the heart. Porn is no longer an option. Stay strong brother. You can beat this demon.
switched_off_again
Member
Hey BigMog - Hope you've managed to get back on an even keel. Your reboot echoes alot of my experience even in terms of the timing of relapses. I'd a really good initial run before Christmas, which, even with a few not so good patches since then, I think is still having a positive effect in that I can flip back from the dark side in to non PMO habits quite quickly and it soons feel normal again.
However the relapse cycle can make you feel dis-heartened and ask I why you are putting yourself through this. The positives are that we don't seem to sink quite so low as before rebooting and we are at least aware of the need to climb back on the wagon.
When I was thinking about my relapses recently, I likened it in my head to walking on ice, you think you're doing ok, then all of a sudden almost unbeknownst to you, you hit a thin patch or a crack and you plummet back in to the mire... How to avoid these cracks? I think I've realised just how strong triggers can sub-consciously be. I didn't realise the connection between watching a programme with a nice looking woman in it, to all the objects of desire that are tattoed inside my head....
Anyway I'm going on too long. Hope you feel ok and have got over horrible post relapse darkness...
However the relapse cycle can make you feel dis-heartened and ask I why you are putting yourself through this. The positives are that we don't seem to sink quite so low as before rebooting and we are at least aware of the need to climb back on the wagon.
When I was thinking about my relapses recently, I likened it in my head to walking on ice, you think you're doing ok, then all of a sudden almost unbeknownst to you, you hit a thin patch or a crack and you plummet back in to the mire... How to avoid these cracks? I think I've realised just how strong triggers can sub-consciously be. I didn't realise the connection between watching a programme with a nice looking woman in it, to all the objects of desire that are tattoed inside my head....
Anyway I'm going on too long. Hope you feel ok and have got over horrible post relapse darkness...
Hi Jbow and switched off-many thanks for your replies. It does help to know I?m not on my own.
Jbow-I?m not offended at all-glad to be given the encouragement! Interesting you mention butterflies, sometimes when I?ve started looking at a website, especially when I?ve been clean for a while, I actually start shaking and trembling. Yep, addiction type symptoms. Porn is no longer an option.
Switched-off- yes it certainly isn?t linear progress! I think the ice analogy is a good one. In my case, I?m sure I sometimes see the crack or thin ice and deliberately slide towards it. This is where I hope doing extra mindfulness practice will help, in that I will be aware of part of my brain thinking ?Oh, Wow! I really have to do that!? but will be able to pause, breathe deeply and appreciate that it is only a thought and I don?t have to act out on it. That?s the theory anyway, hence I?m increasing the number of 10 minute mindfulness sessions I?m doing per day with the app I use. I know it?s not a magic bullet but, with the other things I?m doing, I?m hoping it will help tip the balance in my favour when the urges next hit.
Anyway, thanks again for your encouragement. Keep trekking!
1 Day Clean
Jbow-I?m not offended at all-glad to be given the encouragement! Interesting you mention butterflies, sometimes when I?ve started looking at a website, especially when I?ve been clean for a while, I actually start shaking and trembling. Yep, addiction type symptoms. Porn is no longer an option.
Switched-off- yes it certainly isn?t linear progress! I think the ice analogy is a good one. In my case, I?m sure I sometimes see the crack or thin ice and deliberately slide towards it. This is where I hope doing extra mindfulness practice will help, in that I will be aware of part of my brain thinking ?Oh, Wow! I really have to do that!? but will be able to pause, breathe deeply and appreciate that it is only a thought and I don?t have to act out on it. That?s the theory anyway, hence I?m increasing the number of 10 minute mindfulness sessions I?m doing per day with the app I use. I know it?s not a magic bullet but, with the other things I?m doing, I?m hoping it will help tip the balance in my favour when the urges next hit.
Anyway, thanks again for your encouragement. Keep trekking!
1 Day Clean
Rather lack-lustre today and feeling low about my job and my lack of achievement in general. Probably at least partially a hangover from my last binge. Keeping to my 3x10minutes of guided mindfulness through each day. Hope this will provide some more resistance next time the cravings hit.
Keep trekking everyone.
2 Days Clean.
Keep trekking everyone.
2 Days Clean.
Plodding on. Went for a long run this morning. Watched some Comedy TV with my daughter this afternoon. Other than that, a few chores. This evening we plan a family meal followed by watching a film. Still fitting in the mindfulness sessions. Mood picking up a little compared with the last couple of days.
Keep up the good fight everyone.
3 Days Clean
Keep up the good fight everyone.
3 Days Clean
Plodding on. Work is difficult and confusing. For example, I?m sometimes in telephone/video-meetings with dozens of people from all over the world all speaking in acronyms and jargon that are gibberish to me so I have little idea what is being discussed and whether it affects my activities. Hey-ho.
Anyway, that aside, my mood is still low, maybe as a result of my last lapse. Despite this, I?m still hanging in with my good habits of journaling (even though I don?t have much to say), mindfulness and positive activities to keep busy and ?improve? myself.
I?m hoping that as the days tick over and I keep working on myself that I shall become a bit more cheery.
Keep fighting/trekking everyone.
6 Days Clean
Anyway, that aside, my mood is still low, maybe as a result of my last lapse. Despite this, I?m still hanging in with my good habits of journaling (even though I don?t have much to say), mindfulness and positive activities to keep busy and ?improve? myself.
I?m hoping that as the days tick over and I keep working on myself that I shall become a bit more cheery.
Keep fighting/trekking everyone.
6 Days Clean
Trekking/plodding on. Mood may be lifting a little. My fitness regime is working and I?m getting results in that department. However, currently totally lifeless down below, so definitely in a flatline. That would have bothered me a few years ago but not now. I?m just working on tactics to prevent a lapse next time I do start to get some urges.
Next week I?m away again for work, so planning all the safeguards to stay clean even if I get stressed or despondent. (Something that of course I hope I can avoid).
A strange thing, unrelated to PMO, that I realised again today is that if I linger in bed after the alarm has gone and snooze for a few minutes then it sets the tone for the whole day in that I?m lethargic and less focused. If I get up immediately the alarm goes or even before, and go down and make tea for the wife and get breakfast then I seem to be much more dynamic all through the day and, for example, I?m sure my output at work is much greater.
Well, I?ve reached a week again. I have a few slightly different routines and habits in place and I?m hoping these will help keep me on the straight and narrow. The days on this small streak seem to be adding up only very slowly.
Keep trekking everyone.
7 Days Clean.
Next week I?m away again for work, so planning all the safeguards to stay clean even if I get stressed or despondent. (Something that of course I hope I can avoid).
A strange thing, unrelated to PMO, that I realised again today is that if I linger in bed after the alarm has gone and snooze for a few minutes then it sets the tone for the whole day in that I?m lethargic and less focused. If I get up immediately the alarm goes or even before, and go down and make tea for the wife and get breakfast then I seem to be much more dynamic all through the day and, for example, I?m sure my output at work is much greater.
Well, I?ve reached a week again. I have a few slightly different routines and habits in place and I?m hoping these will help keep me on the straight and narrow. The days on this small streak seem to be adding up only very slowly.
Keep trekking everyone.
7 Days Clean.
Rex
Active Member
BigMog,
Good work staying clean for one week. Keep up the great work!
Business trips are tough because there's a lot of free time in the evening and hotels can be boring. One way you can easily coast through it, is to setup a schedule of events for yourself. Carefully map out after work what you will do at the hotel. And don't leave yourself any idle time. Have your schedule filled with stuff like: work out at hotel gym, take a walk, pray or bible reading time, go sight seeing, call family on phone, watch TV, or go out to a restaurant away from the hotel, etc. If you find after you arrive at the hotel after work and have a schedule full of events by the time you complete them you then go to sleep and repeat the cycle until you are back home. Idle time can play tricks on the mind especially when away from home. Make sure not to burn yourself out with events but to have something scheduled to keep the mind occupied. When the mind is occupied and busy it will be less likely to be tempted by PMO.
Good luck and keep up the great work!
Good work staying clean for one week. Keep up the great work!
Business trips are tough because there's a lot of free time in the evening and hotels can be boring. One way you can easily coast through it, is to setup a schedule of events for yourself. Carefully map out after work what you will do at the hotel. And don't leave yourself any idle time. Have your schedule filled with stuff like: work out at hotel gym, take a walk, pray or bible reading time, go sight seeing, call family on phone, watch TV, or go out to a restaurant away from the hotel, etc. If you find after you arrive at the hotel after work and have a schedule full of events by the time you complete them you then go to sleep and repeat the cycle until you are back home. Idle time can play tricks on the mind especially when away from home. Make sure not to burn yourself out with events but to have something scheduled to keep the mind occupied. When the mind is occupied and busy it will be less likely to be tempted by PMO.
Good luck and keep up the great work!
Many thanks for the good advice and support, Rex.
Yes I have plans for the time I?m away and immediately after I return when I know I could be vulnerable. There?s a long book I?m gripped by at the moment and a TV series saved on my iPad. I will be using the gym and I know there will be some socialising with my work colleagues. I aim to be resolute in continuing the guided mindfulness exercises as soon as I return to the hotel in the evenings.
There is protection on my iPad which I can?t easily remove and I know I must avoid idle channel flipping on the TV, infact I aim to watch no TV at all. Also I have, an added incentive of a sporting event I?m participating in on the Saturday morning after my return. I?m excited by this and so there?s a strong motivation to avoid blowing my chances of a good performance by PMOing in the days before.
Two similar trips this year have resulted in lapses, so I?m pulling out all the stops to avoid the same again this time.
All prayers, telepathy, or good wishes are most welcome!
Keep strong everyone!
9 Days Clean
Yes I have plans for the time I?m away and immediately after I return when I know I could be vulnerable. There?s a long book I?m gripped by at the moment and a TV series saved on my iPad. I will be using the gym and I know there will be some socialising with my work colleagues. I aim to be resolute in continuing the guided mindfulness exercises as soon as I return to the hotel in the evenings.
There is protection on my iPad which I can?t easily remove and I know I must avoid idle channel flipping on the TV, infact I aim to watch no TV at all. Also I have, an added incentive of a sporting event I?m participating in on the Saturday morning after my return. I?m excited by this and so there?s a strong motivation to avoid blowing my chances of a good performance by PMOing in the days before.
Two similar trips this year have resulted in lapses, so I?m pulling out all the stops to avoid the same again this time.
All prayers, telepathy, or good wishes are most welcome!
Keep strong everyone!
9 Days Clean
switched_off_again
Member
Hey BigMog - keep strong and have a great week! We don't do porn!
workinprogressUK
Well-Known Member
We get knocked down... but we get up again. You lost a round, BigMog, but you're back on your feet and fighting. Congrats on finding the strength to get back up.
I can certainly relate to a lot of what you say. The one thing common in all our behaviours is "Opportunity"; we found a way to indulge our drug. I travel a lot with work, too, and it's always a trigger for me. I never turn on the TV in a hotel room now. Sounds like you reached the same conclusion. Also, the fast journey from "dancing on the edge of the funnel", to a slip, which turns into a binge that can go full-blown relapse. I guess it's just more evidence of brain plasticity and neurons that wire together, fire together. Your brain has developed an association, as has mine. I called it "roller-skating around the jaws of hell" and i know from painful experience that once I inevitably stumble, my fall is a long one. I read a piece on YBOP that described your trend. It doesn't make especially happy reading but I've pasted it below and i hope you find it relevant rather than disheartening.
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/why-is-intermittent-use-long-abstinence-with-binges-an-addiction-risk/
Congrats again on getting back on your horse. Hoping you can stay strong for the long course.
I can certainly relate to a lot of what you say. The one thing common in all our behaviours is "Opportunity"; we found a way to indulge our drug. I travel a lot with work, too, and it's always a trigger for me. I never turn on the TV in a hotel room now. Sounds like you reached the same conclusion. Also, the fast journey from "dancing on the edge of the funnel", to a slip, which turns into a binge that can go full-blown relapse. I guess it's just more evidence of brain plasticity and neurons that wire together, fire together. Your brain has developed an association, as has mine. I called it "roller-skating around the jaws of hell" and i know from painful experience that once I inevitably stumble, my fall is a long one. I read a piece on YBOP that described your trend. It doesn't make especially happy reading but I've pasted it below and i hope you find it relevant rather than disheartening.
https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-porn-use-faqs/why-is-intermittent-use-long-abstinence-with-binges-an-addiction-risk/
Congrats again on getting back on your horse. Hoping you can stay strong for the long course.
Thanks for the support WIPUK and switched_off.
We don?t do porn!
Although the week had its ups and downs at work, I didn?t get into the ?everything is so bad I have to escape by watching porn? frame of mind. I also stayed away from mindless TV watching which has led to trouble in the past.
I kept to my routines including some mindfulness/meditation most days, a session in be gym and I was out socialising with colleagues some nights and was also helped by having a book that I found really gripping during quiet times.
The YBOP piece is very relevant. My fortnightly or monthly slips and binges have to stop or I am just re-inforcing the habit. I??m just over a fortnight into my current streak so my libido is returning after my last binge. I need to keep vigilant.
I?ll check out other people?s journals over the weekend and will aim to add encouragement.
Keep trekking everyone!
15 Days Clean
We don?t do porn!
Although the week had its ups and downs at work, I didn?t get into the ?everything is so bad I have to escape by watching porn? frame of mind. I also stayed away from mindless TV watching which has led to trouble in the past.
I kept to my routines including some mindfulness/meditation most days, a session in be gym and I was out socialising with colleagues some nights and was also helped by having a book that I found really gripping during quiet times.
The YBOP piece is very relevant. My fortnightly or monthly slips and binges have to stop or I am just re-inforcing the habit. I??m just over a fortnight into my current streak so my libido is returning after my last binge. I need to keep vigilant.
I?ll check out other people?s journals over the weekend and will aim to add encouragement.
Keep trekking everyone!
15 Days Clean
switched_off_again
Member
Hey BigMog
Good to hear you got through another week and didn't fall in to the ?everything is so bad I have to escape by watching porn? trap. I recognise that trap too. At the moment though, I'm in a particularly thrawn mood and see porn as the thing I'm rebelling against. Porn is the norm, idolising beauty is the norm, we're all expected to comply and feed their machine. To hell with that. I've my own life to live, I will not be their slave, even when other things in life are not giving chimp the comfort he thinks he needs. I'm not going to play their game. I like being an outsider. This is my life. They are not going to own me.
I don't do porn.
Good to hear you got through another week and didn't fall in to the ?everything is so bad I have to escape by watching porn? trap. I recognise that trap too. At the moment though, I'm in a particularly thrawn mood and see porn as the thing I'm rebelling against. Porn is the norm, idolising beauty is the norm, we're all expected to comply and feed their machine. To hell with that. I've my own life to live, I will not be their slave, even when other things in life are not giving chimp the comfort he thinks he needs. I'm not going to play their game. I like being an outsider. This is my life. They are not going to own me.
I don't do porn.
Thanks switched_off.
Yes there is so much more we can experience than porn. I no longer will be in the grip of it. I want to live a well-lived life.
Not much to report here. A few stirrings down below but my wife?s health is not too good at the moment, so I?ve put them on hold. Anyway, I need to take things very slowly if we are going to get our love life going again. It?s probably best if I can go the whole 90 or 100 Days first so my brain is significant re-wired. I know I said in previous posts that I had accepted the fact that my sex life was over, but may be at some stage I can resurrect it. We?ll see.
Mainly I?m concentrating on avoiding porn and sticking to constructive activities.
Just arranged a trip later in the year with some old buddies, so that?s something to look forward to.
Keep trekking everyone!
17 Days Clean
Yes there is so much more we can experience than porn. I no longer will be in the grip of it. I want to live a well-lived life.
Not much to report here. A few stirrings down below but my wife?s health is not too good at the moment, so I?ve put them on hold. Anyway, I need to take things very slowly if we are going to get our love life going again. It?s probably best if I can go the whole 90 or 100 Days first so my brain is significant re-wired. I know I said in previous posts that I had accepted the fact that my sex life was over, but may be at some stage I can resurrect it. We?ll see.
Mainly I?m concentrating on avoiding porn and sticking to constructive activities.
Just arranged a trip later in the year with some old buddies, so that?s something to look forward to.
Keep trekking everyone!
17 Days Clean