Not gonna go it alone

[brandnewself]

Hi BlueHeronFan, thanks for dropping by my journal the other day. I'm happy to hear that you made the right decision and got through the day safe. I believe the urges do ease up as time goes by. On the one hand they will appear less often, on the other hand we will do better at ignoring them.

 

[Omarov]

It's interesting how we're in a very similar spot. My goal is 5 months though. I feel this is gonna be the cutoff point for my brain to rewire, because I've done 3 months and relapse before.
After skimming through your journal for a while, I guess your situation is milder than mine since you stopped viewing explicit materials for 2 years. Your brain already doesn't want porn, but it still stands in a place where it sometimes would demand masturbation or non-explicit material. You're right in taking this seriously, because if you leave yourself you can relapse again into explicit material, because addicted brain keeps wanting a higher dose when lower doses don't satisfy it anymore.
Even though your addiction is not that strong, you have to keep reminding yourself everyday about the logical arguments you have against pmo and masturbation. You might know all the whys and hows, but you tend to totally forget them during urges, and that contributes to relapsing, then we keep asking ourselves afterwards how did we relapse while we had all those anti-porn arguments in our minds.
Take a look at this: https://www.yourbrainonporn.com/6-step-reboot-plan-helped-me-quit

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Thanks for your suggestions! That's helpful.

I have been talking myself away from it today for most of the day. I've gotten a lot done, but those urges have just been quietly running underneath it all. I feel more exhausted at the end of the day than I probably would if I had just been working.

It's a struggle: I know that I don't want porn or masturbation in any form, but there's a part of me that wants it desperately. I'm not sure what part of me that is. It feels very alien from my normal day-to-day self.

I guess what I'm learning now is just how far the urges can and will go. I've usually just caved after a day or two of feeling them, but I'm committed to staying strong this time. If I can just do it once--actually beat them this time--then I'll have done something I have never really done before. I've always caved as soon as they've gotten intense.

It's going to be an interesting couple of days, I think. But I really appreciate the support here. It really is giving me another reason to stay on course.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Another day in the bag. I went to church today, and that always helps take the edge off. Still dealing with some urges but not as bad as the last couple days. Here's to hoping they're on the run, at least for a little while.

Here goes another week!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I'm going to call today a relapse, I think.

Did I outright look at porn? No. But I did search it, and it was on my screen even if I wasn't really looking directly at it. Maybe that doesn't count, but it still feels like a step back. At least where I am in my recovery, this is what I'm trying to quit doing. There was nudity on my screen, and I saw it out of the corner of my eye, but I refused to look. I don't even know if that makes sense, but I really don't want to cross back over that line. It feels like a weird thing to me, but it's like my thing now is not porn but being in the presence of porn. Of course, if this stuff made sense, it would probably be easier to beat.

I've learned a couple of things about myself in the last couple days, though: 1) I'm not a happy person. I mean, I always think that my happiness is in the future, but I've realized I need to learn to find happiness in the moment. I think it would be a lot harder to want to porn if I was able to find happiness. It only ever comes when I'm frustrated or hurting in some way. 2) I've been paying too much inappropriate attention to the women around town. I think I've been telling myself that I'm single so there's nothing wrong with looking out for women. But I'm not realistically going to date any of the people I pass on the street--so giving them the wrong kind of attention isn't going to help them or me.

At times like these, I don't really know what to do but reset the counter and call tomorrow a new day. It's frustrating, but it's part of the process. I guess what bothers me is that I knew it was coming. This is never a surprise when it happens. But I'm just not sure what's still missing--what am I not doing? Hopefully it won't be too long before I learn to recognize the urges, feel them, and reject them or let them pass. One of these days. Starting tomorrow.

 

[Pete McVries]

Have you thought of installing porn blockers as an additional layer that will keep you from relapsing?

 

[Ashu001]

I'm going to call today a relapse, I think.

Did I outright look at porn? No. But I did search it, and it was on my screen even if I wasn't really looking directly at it. Maybe that doesn't count, but it still feels like a step back. At least where I am in my recovery, this is what I'm trying to quit doing. There was nudity on my screen, and I saw it out of the corner of my eye, but I refused to look. I don't even know if that makes sense, but I really don't want to cross back over that line. It feels like a weird thing to me, but it's like my thing now is not porn but being in the presence of porn. Of course, if this stuff made sense, it would probably be easier to beat.

I've learned a couple of things about myself in the last couple days, though: 1) I'm not a happy person. I mean, I always think that my happiness is in the future, but I've realized I need to learn to find happiness in the moment. I think it would be a lot harder to want to porn if I was able to find happiness. It only ever comes when I'm frustrated or hurting in some way. 2) I've been paying too much inappropriate attention to the women around town. I think I've been telling myself that I'm single so there's nothing wrong with looking out for women. But I'm not realistically going to date any of the people I pass on the street--so giving them the wrong kind of attention isn't going to help them or me.

At times like these, I don't really know what to do but reset the counter and call tomorrow a new day. It's frustrating, but it's part of the process. I guess what bothers me is that I knew it was coming. This is never a surprise when it happens. But I'm just not sure what's still missing--what am I not doing? Hopefully it won't be too long before I learn to recognize the urges, feel them, and reject them or let them pass. One of these days. Starting tomorrow.

hey man i wouldnt call it a relapse. you just had a sneak pic of the stuff. its totally fine but try to avoid that in future. i also looked at it for 20 second or less but i immediately switch back. its more about telling brain that its not a good stuff. we are all human we make little mistakes in  a way but it doesnt mean we have to start the journey all over again.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Have you thought of installing porn blockers as an additional layer that will keep you from relapsing?

I have, thanks for checking! I have a couple layers of blocking enabled, but I found my way through a gap in the system. (i.e., a site or two that ended up not being blocked). Now I know where those gaps exist, at least.

hey man i wouldnt call it a relapse. you just had a sneak pic of the stuff. its totally fine but try to avoid that in future. i also looked at it for 20 second or less but i immediately switch back. its more about telling brain that its not a good stuff. we are all human we make little mistakes in  a way but it doesnt mean we have to start the journey all over again.

Thanks for your thoughts and support! At least for me, at this point, it feels right to start my count over--since it's those sneak peeks that I'm trying to weed out. I definitely recognize that it's not a full-on relapse. It probably would have felt more like a success than a failure a couple years ago when I was deeper in the stuff. Besides that, it wasn't just a quick click and quit. I was clicking around and scrolling through and not really engaging for quite a while yesterday. I don't know, you're probably right. But I'll call today day one for now.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I wasn't planning on it, but I ended up having a talk with my church leader today about porn. It was good. I've talked to church leaders about it before, but not this one (because I've moved around a lot).

I think that talk was just what I needed. He shared some thoughts and encouragement that I really needed to hear, and it gave me some hope that was especially helpful after my slippage yesterday.

Porn thrives on secrecy. It feels good to have added another ally to my fight today.

 

[Pete McVries]

Great news that you confided to your church leader. This forum offers great support but it's another level talking to someone about in person. I confided to my best friend about my porn addiction and he was/is very supportive. Now, whenever I feel the need to, I can talk to him about it, which is great.

The next big step for me is to talk about my younger brother (25) about the destructive nature of porn. I suspect, he uses it frequently (like literally every young male with internet access on this planet, right?). He has never had a girlfriend even though he is highly intelligent, looks good and is in good shape with a healthy social circle. I just don't know how to tell him yet. Do I tell him about my P addiction and all the tolls it took on me, or do I just tell him the facts without telling him about me?! Difficult. But I'll do it soon, I promised it to myself. I just don't want him to be a sexual fuck up, like I turned out to be. Sorry for rambling on your journal, I should start my own very soon but there is so much to talk about, I don't know where to start yet.

About the blockers... Yeah, I know what you mean. I don't have any at the moment and I'm doing just fine but I fear the day major urges arrive. Have you heard about open DNS? From what I understand, you install blockers on your router that are impossible to get around if you throw away the password and it blocks all NSFW content. Maybe something you should look into?

Take care!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Thanks! I used to use Open DNS, and I liked it a lot. It's not compatible with my current modem/router, though. I remember trying to set it up when I moved here and learning it wouldn't work. I've tried to find other ways to protect myself, but it's a little trial and error, I guess.

But today was a good day. I've had a terrible headache all day, so it really interfered with my productivity. But I have a feeling a good night's sleep will take care of it, and then I'll be back in business.

 

[Impletion]

use my link in signature and enjoy!  ;D

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Quiet day here. School and work are busy, and it feels a little overwhelming. But I'm working on learning better time management and trying to work more efficiently. In the meantime, I'm just doing what I can to keep up with it all.

On to another day!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Guess I accidentally missed a day yesterday. School has been really busy lately. I'd lose my head if it weren't attached.

Oh well, things are going okay. Feeling overwhelmed, but the porn urges have settled down since last week. (Or was it this week? I can't remember.) That's something.

Onward!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

A decent, quiet day. Not much to say other than that it's back to the grind tomorrow. Here's to hoping I manage the stress better this week. I'm ready for it, which is one difference, so I have high hopes.

 

[Rebooter2019]

Hey BlueHeronFan,

Saw your journal and think it was quite interesting. Thanks for commenting on mine

You're already well on the road to recovery. I'm convince that you'll pass that 4 weeks mark that you said was so hard for you. Just keep at it we're all with you!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Thanks, Rebooter! I appreciate the support.

Today has been decent. I had a lot to do, but I got it done a little ahead of schedule. That gives me a little time to work on some of my own goals before the day ends, so that's good.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I've been practicing something new the last few days. I realized that I have been using my walks around school to look at women. There are lots all around, and I've been using my single status as an excuse to look. But I'm not looking because I'm actually going to ask any of them out or anything. They're just strangers on the street. I'm just looking to look.

So, in the last few days, I've been saying to myself, "It doesn't matter," sometimes out loud, when I feel my eyes wandering to a woman that I'm walking by. Because, you know, it doesn't matter. Even if she's the most attractive person in the world, it doesn't matter because it's not a situation where I'd talk to her. It's not like I'd run into her again. It's not like I'm looking at her for any reason other than my porn addiction. So I just tell myself it doesn't matter. I don't have to look.

It's been helpful for me. I'm not missing out if I don't look. It really doesn't matter. Telling myself that a few times every day has helped me realize how much my porn-addicted eyes were active even during the day and even on days when I thought I was staying away from porn-related behaviors. I've spent a lot less time this week staring pointlessly at the women who walk past me every day, and I think that's a good step forward.

 

[blueRaccoon]

I've been practicing something new the last few days. I realized that I have been using my walks around school to look at women. There are lots all around, and I've been using my single status as an excuse to look. But I'm not looking because I'm actually going to ask any of them out or anything. They're just strangers on the street. I'm just looking to look.

So, in the last few days, I've been saying to myself, "It doesn't matter," sometimes out loud, when I feel my eyes wandering to a woman that I'm walking by. Because, you know, it doesn't matter. Even if she's the most attractive person in the world, it doesn't matter because it's not a situation where I'd talk to her. It's not like I'd run into her again. It's not like I'm looking at her for any reason other than my porn addiction. So I just tell myself it doesn't matter. I don't have to look.

It's been helpful for me. I'm not missing out if I don't look. It really doesn't matter. Telling myself that a few times every day has helped me realize how much my porn-addicted eyes were active even during the day and even on days when I thought I was staying away from porn-related behaviors. I've spent a lot less time this week staring pointlessly at the women who walk past me every day, and I think that's a good step forward.

Great step man. We do need to learn to differentiate between our normal behavior and the compulsion induced behavior. Glad to hear what you did. I'll be careful about my behaviors and sure gonna try saying-out-aloud to myself the next time I do something compulsively.

 

[Rakses]

I've been practicing something new the last few days. I realized that I have been using my walks around school to look at women. There are lots all around, and I've been using my single status as an excuse to look. But I'm not looking because I'm actually going to ask any of them out or anything. They're just strangers on the street. I'm just looking to look.

So, in the last few days, I've been saying to myself, "It doesn't matter," sometimes out loud, when I feel my eyes wandering to a woman that I'm walking by. Because, you know, it doesn't matter. Even if she's the most attractive person in the world, it doesn't matter because it's not a situation where I'd talk to her. It's not like I'd run into her again. It's not like I'm looking at her for any reason other than my porn addiction. So I just tell myself it doesn't matter. I don't have to look.

It's been helpful for me. I'm not missing out if I don't look. It really doesn't matter. Telling myself that a few times every day has helped me realize how much my porn-addicted eyes were active even during the day and even on days when I thought I was staying away from porn-related behaviors. I've spent a lot less time this week staring pointlessly at the women who walk past me every day, and I think that's a good step forward.

You are creating very good habit. Not looking for girls. I also have fantasies and attraction towards girls I bypass on the street. I always keep reminding myself that those are only fantasies it has nothing to do with reality nothing to do with life i am livin'. If i want to know this girl i have to come up and introduce myself not be delusionary about relation with her...