The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

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harpoon

Respected Member
Your right Mikel, taking a nap shouldn't be an issue, I've been fighting for so long now it seemed like I was giving up.

The last 10-days or so I have been an angel :) any sexual thoughts i have had i quashed in an instant, no viewing images/videos nothing. Hand on heart nothing. I didnt engaged once with thoughts or urges. Which is great.

The consequence of this is my brain is in shock, it has been horrendous. I had 4/5 bad days, 1 awesome day, then 4/5 terrible days. I have a constant headache, the weirdest headache I have ever had. I'm guessing a major drop off in  GABA as it seems quite a stressful/anxious headache

it's funny, my mind has revolted against porn and I no longer think about porn, in fact I have great willpower. There's a tug-of-war going on here.

To me porn is now broken. It's not the seductive temptress it once was. It's Medusa. I don't associate porn with joy, or happines, it's now associated with PIED, self hatred and anxiety - no thanks.

When I quit smoking years ago this also happened, I hated smoking, I no longer enjoyed it, but giving up took time and many attempts, but once the enjoyment was gone it was over.

Time for a run and get some endorphins circulating :)









 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
So instead of a run, I just went for a 40 minute walk. It was great to clear my head and my stressed  headache vanished. About a half hour after my walk I felt awesome. Something had kicked in and life was good :)






 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
So it's a bittersweet 90-days. The bitter was about 10-days ago, I didn't need to PMO, i just became complacent and PMO was the outcome. Nonetheless I have done well to recover much of my progress and have made great strides over the last 90-days.

I feel like i'm now on the outside looking in.

Since my blip I have been truly commited, I was terrified that I would have a full blown relapse. I now know the difference between abstinence and actively taking part in the reboot. Once I truly committed, I starved my brain of dopamine and it was horrendous.

But today when I thought I was down and out, I just went for a walk and all the stress subsided and I felt truly awesome.

Now, for the next 90!.. :)'



 
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harpoon

Respected Member
The one piece of advice that i can offer (for what its worth) is this - Ad new healthy activities to your life: walk, run, and if you have to, crawl.

Exercise saved me from porn. It sounds so simple now, and it really is. JUST DO IT :)
 
Philgood63

Philgood63

Active Member
Congrats Harpoon, you did it ! That's nice to see your here, at the 90-days milestone. I've been reaching it last year, and it was really hard just after, probably because my limbic brain had a new strategy to f**k me up, kind of "hey, you did it, now you can have a rest and release your efforts, right ?" so stay strong my friend ! (I did not, and now I'm still here to struggle...)
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Cheers Phil ;) I did feel good about the 90-days (I did feck up once or twice along the way) but still, I felt good and with feeling good I do tend to get cravings.

These cravings came in the form of a porn actresses name, and flashing images of her entering my mind. Not good. In fact it was upsetting to be honest. Upsetting because I know the consequences of relapse.

But I ignored the "call" and got a decent enough nights and woke up with a boner..... theres irony for ya :)'
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Cheers Humaninprogress ;)

I went for a walk on the beach yesterday. I noticed a little 4" stick on the ground, so I kicked that stick. I kicked it again  then with my left foot then with my right foot, then a back heal, then I started to jog all the while kicking that stick. left foot, right foot, toe poke. I kicked that stick about a kilometre down the beach, just feeling happy and content, me and my stick :)

It has been years since I felt that truly living in the now feeling, no anxiety or worrying about every little thing. That stick made my day.

 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Cheers Mikel ;)

I had a pretty good week. My mood has changed. Something is different. I feel less anxious, less stressed, have buckets of  energy.

 
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humaninprogress

Member
Harpoon, one quick question for you. Have you at any point in your reboot felt really withdrawn socially and wanted to just hunker down and see no one? I'm 4 weeks into my reboot as of yesterday, and I've been in a very interesting head space lately. Just curious!
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Yes, certainly I would give a great deal of time on my own. I felt anxious, low and just wanted "to be left alone."

But at some point, I started saying yes to things. Like the movie with Jim Carrey - Yes Man (my sister jokingly said one day "I thought u were the Yes Man" )

I was very uncomfortable around ppl when I wasn't feeling like myself.

Eventually I looked forward to socialising
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
If you take away the cravings, this reboot process is almost enjoyable. I've had depression for years and I hated life. Waking up and feeling good is so amazing.

I'm slowly rediscovering who I am, and I've found I really like me :)

With the depression thing, i've read a few books on caffeine and i'm going to start a book today about sugar.

Porn addiction seems to follow my depression, rather than the other way round.

 
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harpoon

Respected Member
My mood is kinda flat at the moment, I have been reducing my coffee intake so i'll put it down to that.

Porn... I couldn't care less, but I still get the odd flashback and urge but it's ok now.

Before attempting to reboot, this is exactly the low mood that would drive me to pmo.

 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Yesterday I was watching TV and switched channels to a sports news show that I sometimes watch. Long story short, there is an attractive female presenter on this show and I have in the past MO to images of her, but it kinda took me by surprise how all those familiar feelings flooded my mind.

I went for a run.

 
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humaninprogress

Member
Heya, Harpoon. Really enjoy reading about your experience during your reboot. You seem to have been very successful at shifting away from both porn and masturbation. I'm finding moving away from porn and PMO much easier than M/MO. Any tips? I know everyone's journey is different, but it would be great to hear more about how you initially ditched MO and how you stayed clean for so long in that area. Thanks!
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Thanks Virus01 ;)

Hi Humaninprogress. I do tend to get the chaser affect if I MO. A few weeks ago I MO, and at the time I did it without sexual thoughts (I can't remember the last time that has happened) however in my case the next day I had cravings for porn and pmo and had to fight urges for a week to get back on track. I'm ust staying away from MO at the moment, it's a tough one to crack ;)
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
I read a great article the other night about porn and dopamine. It has helped me understand addiction a little more.

It's porn addiction 101 stuff, but it's good to keep reading and  it also helps motivation.

- we've conditioned our brains to release dopamine to sexual imagery
- viewing sexual images reinforces this dopamine release and delta.fos. b build up
- we need to stop this behaviour so delta.fos.b can disintegrate
- delta fos.b. drives the compulsive behaviour

That's my understanding anyway. I'm not as compulsive as I was and my willpower is good, i'm ready to rumble. 100% commitment.



 
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