The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
- Thread starter harpoon
- Start date
I feel like I have broken my addiction, or at least deeply changed how i see porn and it's no longer as desirable.
It's like unwrapping the glittering paper from your main Christmas present to find a piece of dog shit.
If rebooting was quitting porn it would be easy. It's not. The difficult part is fear, fear of letting go. Letting go of my favourite porn stars. in my mind they were mine, isn't that what my mind thought, I could have them whenever i desired, I was a King. King Nothing.
But i've been dethroned. I was sick of being King Nothing anyway. It's a poisoned chalice.
It's like unwrapping the glittering paper from your main Christmas present to find a piece of dog shit.
If rebooting was quitting porn it would be easy. It's not. The difficult part is fear, fear of letting go. Letting go of my favourite porn stars. in my mind they were mine, isn't that what my mind thought, I could have them whenever i desired, I was a King. King Nothing.
But i've been dethroned. I was sick of being King Nothing anyway. It's a poisoned chalice.
Mikel
Active Member
harpoon said:
That's gotta be quote of the day right there. Love it. So true though, when you're in the middle of using with the dopamine being pumped into your brain, nothing else matters and then, when it's all over, you realise it was all a massive lie and an immense disappointment.
Haha I had drank way to much coffee yesterday 
My energy is on the up again, feeling pretty good in general. I have honestly been in hardmode this past week. I have stayed away from everything, limiting time on Facebook and TV etc. I have noticed that being this commited brings odd headaches but hopefully something is changing in my brain and I^ll take the headaches all day long.
Buy it's like this: i'd sooner have urges than to feel nothing, this is the good part, feeling alive.
My energy is on the up again, feeling pretty good in general. I have honestly been in hardmode this past week. I have stayed away from everything, limiting time on Facebook and TV etc. I have noticed that being this commited brings odd headaches but hopefully something is changing in my brain and I^ll take the headaches all day long.
Buy it's like this: i'd sooner have urges than to feel nothing, this is the good part, feeling alive.
After a week of on and off relapsing and before this goes any further i^m gonna make a major effort to just get back on the reboot track.
I have learned a great deal about the effects of porn use on my mental health this last week.
After porn binge and MO I woke up feeling depersonalised from myself. I had come on leaps and bounds during my reboot and it was quite obvious that porn use is causing this state-of-mind . This is when I lost the porn fight. The one thing on this planet to make me feel normal again was the one thing that had taken that feeling away.
For future reference (mostly for myself) here's how it unravelled: I was on YouTube and watched a video of a model modelling a leather pants. Long story short, she was gorgeous, and I MO.
The next day, I felt great, but that leather pants was on my mind. I avoided MO that night but the next night, I watched that video again and MO... but I wasn't done there I googled leather pants and I was away. That morning I felt pretty good, but knew I was coming undone so that night I managed to avoid porn, but the last two nights I have PMO. I'm here now trying to stop the rot.
A few days ago a quote popped up on fb which a friend had liked. When I read it, I realized how much progress I had thrown away.
"I understood myself, only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself did I know who I really was." - Sade Andria Zabala
If anyone wants an accountability partner, i'm interested. other than that, just to say I feel like an ass for relapsing, but it's done, and while I still feel good, this reboot is done too.
What works best for me is one day at a time, so that's my focus. Here we go....
Harpoon
I have learned a great deal about the effects of porn use on my mental health this last week.
After porn binge and MO I woke up feeling depersonalised from myself. I had come on leaps and bounds during my reboot and it was quite obvious that porn use is causing this state-of-mind . This is when I lost the porn fight. The one thing on this planet to make me feel normal again was the one thing that had taken that feeling away.
For future reference (mostly for myself) here's how it unravelled: I was on YouTube and watched a video of a model modelling a leather pants. Long story short, she was gorgeous, and I MO.
The next day, I felt great, but that leather pants was on my mind. I avoided MO that night but the next night, I watched that video again and MO... but I wasn't done there I googled leather pants and I was away. That morning I felt pretty good, but knew I was coming undone so that night I managed to avoid porn, but the last two nights I have PMO. I'm here now trying to stop the rot.
A few days ago a quote popped up on fb which a friend had liked. When I read it, I realized how much progress I had thrown away.
"I understood myself, only after I destroyed myself. And only in the process of fixing myself did I know who I really was." - Sade Andria Zabala
If anyone wants an accountability partner, i'm interested. other than that, just to say I feel like an ass for relapsing, but it's done, and while I still feel good, this reboot is done too.
What works best for me is one day at a time, so that's my focus. Here we go....
Harpoon
Mikel
Active Member
Hey Harpoon and thank you for your honesty.
A common tendancy amongst addicts is to stop doing what got us well in the first place when we feel well again if that makes sense. We put the work in to get better from our destructive habits, then put the brakes on when we start to feel better, forgetting that's how we got well in the first place. I know, I've been there.
Not sure if that's what happened to you but I thought it was relevant somehow.
A common tendancy amongst addicts is to stop doing what got us well in the first place when we feel well again if that makes sense. We put the work in to get better from our destructive habits, then put the brakes on when we start to feel better, forgetting that's how we got well in the first place. I know, I've been there.
Not sure if that's what happened to you but I thought it was relevant somehow.
Thanks for reply Mikel
I would agree 100% Mikel. I felt great, job done and I forgot the reasons for rebooting in the first place.
The only thing I can say is that I still feel pretty good and i'm glad that I managed to steer myself in the right direction once again.
I've now had two clean days.
I would agree 100% Mikel. I felt great, job done and I forgot the reasons for rebooting in the first place.
The only thing I can say is that I still feel pretty good and i'm glad that I managed to steer myself in the right direction once again.
I've now had two clean days.
Day 3
It'll take a few more says before withdrawal will really kick in, and perhaps a flatline. Being honest, flatline is ok, having no sex drive makes rebooting it easier (for me at least) I struggle when my sex drive comes back.
Anyway, time for a RUN!! Thankfully I didn't destroy my enthusiasm for life this time, and i'm up and running quite quickly
It'll take a few more says before withdrawal will really kick in, and perhaps a flatline. Being honest, flatline is ok, having no sex drive makes rebooting it easier (for me at least) I struggle when my sex drive comes back.
Anyway, time for a RUN!! Thankfully I didn't destroy my enthusiasm for life this time, and i'm up and running quite quickly
For the record it's my 5th day porn free
Now it's not that bad, I just keep myself occupied and at times feel pretty good.
I understand that nothing is gonna compare to porn, and at moment nothing does. You just do what you have to, to stay clean and get another day on the board.
I feel like i'm not present in life at the moment, my brain is crying out for a fix and it takes a lot of effort to remain clean. I know down the road it gets easier.
First stop one-week
Now it's not that bad, I just keep myself occupied and at times feel pretty good.
I understand that nothing is gonna compare to porn, and at moment nothing does. You just do what you have to, to stay clean and get another day on the board.
I feel like i'm not present in life at the moment, my brain is crying out for a fix and it takes a lot of effort to remain clean. I know down the road it gets easier.
First stop one-week
Day 7
One-week honestly I feel pretty good. I volunteered at a local parkrun this morning and had good fun, and tonight went to the cinema to see Rogue One
Rebooting wise, I have just been avoiding all sexual stimulating images and trying to stop sexual thoughts and fantasies as quick as they try to enter my mind.
Last night I had cravings, but I said to myself "No" exerting self control. I knew hand on heart that I would not break last night, and its funny because once I truly believed my body seemed to go into withdrawal knowing that it wouldn't be getting it's nightly neuro chemical cocktail. My reward, I felt great today.
For along time, years in fact, I had lost my personality. I feel like me more often now. i'm a positive guy, I like to have fun and I have a good laugh.
So back on track
One-week
honestly I feel pretty good. I volunteered at a local parkrun this morning and had good fun, and tonight went to the cinema to see Rogue One Rebooting wise, I have just been avoiding all sexual stimulating images and trying to stop sexual thoughts and fantasies as quick as they try to enter my mind.
Last night I had cravings, but I said to myself "No" exerting self control. I knew hand on heart that I would not break last night, and its funny because once I truly believed my body seemed to go into withdrawal knowing that it wouldn't be getting it's nightly neuro chemical cocktail. My reward, I felt great today.
For along time, years in fact, I had lost my personality. I feel like me more often now. i'm a positive guy, I like to have fun and I have a good laugh.
So back on track
Mikel
Active Member
Good to hear you're back on track Harpoon. I've been doing the same thing when fantasies and thoughts of edging along to them come into my head. Saying no out loud to them seems to put them back into place. Simple little 'trick' but it seems to work so I'm not going to question why.
Cheers Mikel always good to hear a positive response from a fellow rebooter
I started the day off with a 5km run, followed by what my niece would call a "lazy day" - lying on the sofa watching a few movies and some sport. It was great to recharge the batteries.
I sometimes watch: Obese - a year to save my life. Watching ppl push themselves and achieving goals is inspiring. Today a women said something that resonated with me. She didn't make her goal weight in phase two and she said that "she had just got to a point where she felt comfortable and that she had settled for good enough." The presenter/trainer guy said "I havent met anyone yet who has settled for good enough."
Then I went for my run.
always good to hear a positive response from a fellow rebooter I started the day off with a 5km run, followed by what my niece would call a "lazy day" - lying on the sofa watching a few movies and some sport. It was great to recharge the batteries.
I sometimes watch: Obese - a year to save my life. Watching ppl push themselves and achieving goals is inspiring. Today a women said something that resonated with me. She didn't make her goal weight in phase two and she said that "she had just got to a point where she felt comfortable and that she had settled for good enough." The presenter/trainer guy said "I havent met anyone yet who has settled for good enough."
Then I went for my run.
As far as I can make out its day-9
I feel pretty good. Plenty of energy and I feel like I could kick some ass if required amazing really, but like I said - good enough is not enough, because a guy like me accepting good enough will end up unfulfilled and addiction fills voids.
As good as I feeI, i'm still conscious that there is a part of me that is waiting for the right moment to challenge my resolve. It's there and at the moment it's strong. I don't want to get ahead of myself, it's just over one week. Day-by-day.
Time to lift some weights and kick some @$$
I feel pretty good. Plenty of energy and I feel like I could kick some ass if required
amazing really, but like I said - good enough is not enough, because a guy like me accepting good enough will end up unfulfilled and addiction fills voids.As good as I feeI, i'm still conscious that there is a part of me that is waiting for the right moment to challenge my resolve. It's there and at the moment it's strong. I don't want to get ahead of myself, it's just over one week. Day-by-day.
Time to lift some weights and kick some @$$
Apart from the intermittent urges, boredom is a real challenge. I do as much as I can to keep busy and enjoy most activities I do but while neurochemicals adjust the buzz from these activities is very fleeting.
Just having a bad day I guess, or more likely a flatline.
Just having a bad day I guess, or more likely a flatline.