Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.

[deminounrae]

If I fell so many times back into it, then it is the right thing to do. If it wasn't such a problem I could just get rid of it like nothing, but it's not, it's difficult and it's a physical urge I feel. So with this little reminder for myself I want to say

Do it, keep pushing

 

[jhonjordan]

Hi deminounrae

I trust that you can overcome it, what has worked for me is accepting how bad I feel when I don't masturbate. It is real that when I masturbate I generate an instant pleasure that I do not get with anything else. But just as you get up every morning when you want to stay in bed, you can overcome this addiction

You have our full support!

 

[Sanders]

Hey Deminounrae,

Though things to deal with! You're honest about your relapses which is great, it's also good you're trying to work out where they're coming from. Turning towards porn is an escape to actually face our feelings and emotions in many cases. Where you experienced the dissapointment and loneliness because your GF wasn't able to see you, you turned to porn to cheer you up. What helped for me was a TED talk which I don't remember the name of anymore (sorry). In that talk, the concept of curiousity towards feelings and emotions was discussed. Instead of acting on your urges, just take a breath and try to analyse what's going on inside of you. Try to identify the different emotions and feelings and just experience what they bring to your body. Then try to choose what's really right for you, face your fears or turn to porn and be dissapointed with yourself again. Don't mean to be too hard on you, just sharing what helped me

Good luck!

 

[deminounrae]

I'm back in the forum after a long long time.
Things are not going great.
While I was in quarantine I almost fell into depression, I had everything but I wasn't able to do the thing I really wanted, I had no joy doing anything and I PMO'd a lot of times, doing it just made me sad but I couldn't stop. It was never a binge watch, maybe it was just once per week. I was able to see my GF very often and I didn't have any sexual disfunction. It was just the mind not being in the right place. I also became a bit more evil, I was easily getting really upset about things and I had bad thoughts towards people. Then I finally managed to get back on track. I went to another city to pursue my dream of becoming a pro wrestler and even if I was a bit sad of leaving my GF and my friends again I was more happy about going back to do the things I loved.
Now I live in a house with another guy but PMO is still something I want to get rid off. My biggest fear is to for the lack of sensitivity during sex to come back again. I will go back home for a few days in two weeks and I'm trying to live porn free but it's really really hard.
I'm keeping track of progress and for now the best I did was 4 days straight. Not great right?
I'm trying to get to 5 days. What I think i'm doing wrong is that I conceded myself to MO but that really leads me into the chaser effect. I experimented with this, but I think that the only way that works for me is going no P no M no O for at least a week.
The first time I tried to go P free I didn't touch myself in 10 days and then had sex on the 11th. I didn't go back to old habits for 62 days, the greatest period of my sexual life, I have to be honest. I managed to do that after almost 8 years of PMO everyday, even multiple times. Now I can't go on for more than 4. The thing that makes me mad about all is that I talked to my GF again, telling her that I 'm reverting to this bad habit and I'm trying to break free, she was very comprehensive, but still I relapsed.
The matter is that I don't have much to do because I'm still searching for a job so I have tons of free time, I think that the whole situation can be resolved if I find a way to invest this free time. I figured out that 80% of the time I browse P because I don't have anything else to do, not much because I crave it.
I will journal my days again to keep myself on track.

I want to get rid of P usage.

 

[deminounrae]

I know I said it tons of times. I don't think that anyone could have some faith in me this time but I do. I know I CAN DO IT.
I'm not physically unhealthy, but mentally P is fucking me up. I can see the difference in the way I carry myself and do things when I'm not watching any P. I have tried many things but the thing that really really helps me is journaling. It's like taking the commitment for me. A way to say things out to the world. I have a problem with porn. I can't really control myself during the urges and I want to change this. I can't think only about sex, I have a life to live. I want to be free for life and I will do my very best. Do or not do.
This time I'll write again tomorrow.
If anyone is reading this: thank you for receiving my commitment.
I'm almost 23 now it's been almost two years of back and forth. I often visualize the struggle like a boxing match. I've lost all those matches for years. Then I changed and I got back up and punched that fucker right on the jaw. It looked like a knockout but the guy is still there, the sneaky bastard hit me, and hit him back again with strength. But the bell rings and in comes another round and from then on is back and forth, punch and get punched. I put a week with no PMO he answers with a one day binge. I stop for 3 or 4 days, he jumps back with cravings before going to bed and a stupid PMO.

It's time to knock that MF out for good.

In this period of quarantines I felt the most miserable I ever been. I reverted back to P and that only made more sad. The lesson is that P doesn't solve anyone of my problems, it only creates more.
I remember how I felt when I was at day 50. The confidence of knowing that I was on the right track, doing the right thing for once. Having a clear head, no intrusive thoughts, no strange cravings . I was the best version of myself mentally. I want that back, I have it in me, I matured and I have experimented, quitting porn brought me only positive things. I want to quit porn.

 

[Ziga4477]

hey, i new to the forum and i have read your journal very quick. I also have been doing PMO since 13 years old but i have a opposite problem. I have troubles wit PE ( premature ejaculation). In january i did a nofap but after two weeks i was watching P without MO. So o know the feeling. Very weird i have to say. Im now on day 10 and as i can see, even after 50 days without PMO, when you think you are out of it, you can fall very quick. Can i ask you how big was the trigger of just MO with no P. Did you relaps quick after that?

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Hey, man, I know exactly what you're talking about. I'm coming from a place like that. You know, the mind likes comfort and hates pain. When things get tough, the mind says, "Forget it, man, let's get out of here!" It's what you do in that moment that will make the difference. Don't listen to the mind, you know you can go through the urges. Don't chose the comfort, face the discomfort and this is how you grow. When you feel that you are done, you are at 50% only. There is always more to it than it feels. Break everything into small pieces, don't think about months, think about the present moment. The mind can't tolerate months but it can tolerate the now.

 

[deminounrae]

hey, i new to the forum and i have read your journal very quick. I also have been doing PMO since 13 years old but i have a opposite problem. I have troubles wit PE ( premature ejaculation). In january i did a nofap but after two weeks i was watching P without MO. So o know the feeling. Very weird i have to say. Im now on day 10 and as i can see, even after 50 days without PMO, when you think you are out of it, you can fall very quick. Can i ask you how big was the trigger of just MO with no P. Did you relaps quick after that?

To be honest it wasn't that bad for me. Keep in mind that everyone is different. The fact is that I had a girlfriend and I had sex with her, so I was MO'ing when she wasn't in town. Mid streak MO was just a normal awesome thing to do and I had almost no cravings about P. I relapsed when a day out of pure curiosity I experimented with going back to P site. Which sounds very dumb but I wanted to try on my skin. From then on it's been back and forth. So yeah, I can tell you it's a bad idea to watch P again . But with just MO, it's natural, it's a good thing to get know yourself. BUT that works FOR ME.

 

[deminounrae]

Yesterday I wrote again after a long time because I relapsed again for like the 20th time in a month.

Day 1
It was alright I slept a bit in the afternoon and waited for some friends to exercise. After that I had dinner and called my GF, then I went to bed. I was super tired because for work reasons I slept like 4 hours, so I had no craving before bed like I usually have.
I recognize that being alone in my house triggers me, but I know I can numb the feeling a bit by playing videogames, another thing that works well is putting the phone in another room and not having it in reach. I can recognize cravings expecially because they usually come in certain situations.
It's really difficult this thing, I'm not doing it for a physical health thing, it's more about the mind and the ability to control myself even in front of urges and cravings. For me being truly happy passes by not having to worry about P. When I lived alone I told myself one day ok, I'll stop worrying about this, I quit and just go back to watch P when I want. I binged and felt so worthless while I was doing it. I know for sure because I have experimented on myself: Porn only makes me more angry or sad. There is no point in watching it. But my brain is probably still hooked, not too much to have sexual disfunctions but enough that I can't really quit for good.

 

[deminounrae]

Day 2

Long workday, I went out at 9 and came back at 20. No opportunities to relapse, I had some thoughts in the afternoon, but they died 10 seconds after they formed. At dinner I had one of my friends over and then before going to bed I was too tired, I had to say I had some fantasies about my GF, but I consider them healthy fantasies . So I think it was a success

 

[deminounrae]

Day 3

I was alone in the morning but I played videogames until I wasn't alone anymore. After lunch as usual I had some thoughts/cravings but I forced myself to stay in the living room and pushed my phone away. Then I went to work and again as I came home I was able to just go to bed. What I did was trying to not have the phone in bed for too much time, because this usually brings me to relapse.

The journalling is very helpful, sharing the commitment with a community is a great motivation.
I have to say it's been a while since the last time I went 3 days with no O. Usually I see my GF more often but in these weeks I can only see her once a week. This time I'll see her in 2 days. I'm a bit curious if there will already be any difference

 

[deminounrae]

Day 4

Today was long has I woke up at 10 and then I was awake all the way to 6 am because of the night shift (I have some strange shifts at work) .
In the morning I went out with my mom to buy some stuff. In the afternoon I was smart enough to place a training session with my friends, so I had no opportunities to relapse. The fact is that after lunches I had some really strong urges to watch P which is a bit bad. After the training I basically had dinner and went out, watched the football game with some friends and then straight to work. I'm like a guard for a job and I have to he honest, at like 4 am I was super tired and I was tempted to take a look at some P, but I resisted until I collapsed in bed.
Another day with no O. Tomorrow I'll see my GF so I'll probably will have sex.
I can feel a strong difference towards her, haven't seen her in a week so I'm also kind of curious of what will happen

 

[deminounrae]

Day 5

Interesting day. I had sex with my GF obviously felt a much stronger boner. She was... impressed . The real difference for me wasn't in sex but the emotion I felt before she came, the hearth was racing like crazy, which is a thing I haven't experienced in a while and it's really good, i feel stronger emotions , because of quitting P. This is not something to underestimate.

 

[deminounrae]

Day 6
Today was awesome got to spend the whole day with my GF after a long time. I was super happy and blessed. Today not even the thought came to mind.

 

[deminounrae]

Day 7

So it's been a week. Today I went to work and when I came home I was tired. I had some P flashbacks but I resisted the trigger. No P was watched today, I'm proud

 

[deminounrae]

Day 8
Today I woke up after a resting sleep. Strong MW which always makes me happy, if I just think of how I wasn't experiencing them while I was into P. I played videogames in the morning, I know ai should do some cooker things to distract me but it's summer and most of my friends are still studying so this is enough. My mom is home now as her work has stopped for summer, that helps a whole lot for not thinking about P, or not giving in on the triggers. After that I went to work and then I visited my grandma, I watched the game with friends and celebrated on the streets when I came home I was too tired to even hold up the phone.

 

[deminounrae]

Day 9

Today again I played games in the morning and went to work in the afternoon. I had some intrusive P flashbacks and a strong trigger on an app while I was at work, so nothing really happened afterwards, I registered the strong trigger so I remember it will probably came with that app in the future. They probably came because I was super bored today and surfing P when I was bored was one of the reasons I've never really quit for good. After work I went to the beach with friends. I have to be thankful about my friends, they really really help me a lot on not feeling too bored or alone. Overall I'm feeling alright, I'm a bit tired because of the temperatures. Today I think I will MO before bed, no P involved in any way. I just need to release a bit.

 

[deminounrae]

Day 10

Today went smooth, I really had no P thoughts or flashbacks, hung out with some friends in the morning and then work all the way to bed. I watched some YouTube but really felt no urge to watch any P.
I want to specify for whoever is reading I allow myself to MO because I don't have any sexual disfunction, when I actually had one, at the beginning of my journey I had to go with no O for a bit. But right now I'm just going to not consume P , I know it's kinda bad for me to not O when I'm healthy so I allow myself to do it. Obviously no visual stimulations , no P, softcore or whatever just sensibility and touch.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Great, man! 10 days are a good start. Every journey is completed one step at a time.

 

[deminounrae]

Day 11

Today was another long day because of the night shift. I had a friend over in the morning and then went to the sea. I unfortunately had tons of triggers in the night, from using a certain application or for seeing something that usually leads me to watch P. BUT I stayed strong and resisted. I'm proud of me.