Age 20. Do or do not. There is no try.

[deminounrae]

Day 12

Great day, went to the beach with my GF after resting a bit. Haven't seen her Ina week. After that I went to her place and we had an intercourse. I can tell you that the boners while not watching P feels amazing. Harder than normal and she notices it. (I hope I haven't triggered everyone with this phrase). Today no triggers or nothing. The new thing I feel is that I have a sense of expectation for seeing her again. I can feel my heart pounding, I am almost nervous to see her. I think this is a good healthy thing, because I also think that these emotions are always there but P just suffocates them. The other things I noticed is how easily I get a boner (which isn't always cool ) and how incredibly stunning my GF looks after just 12 days with no artificial stimulations. It's incredible to see how P ducks up your perception of things.

 

[deminounrae]

Day 13

I had a training session in the morning and then again a couple hours with my GF, same as yesterday. In the afternoon I called some friends over, I really had nothing to do so I figured out I could use some help to not trigger myself. After that I went to watch the Euro2020 final. No triggers at all. I had some thoughts about P after lunch but I resisted. I am proud of this.

 

[deminounrae]

Day 14

Two weeks! The difference is palpable. Today I was super tired , I went to sleep late (because I was out partying) and woke up early to work. I had a tiring work shift and after that I couldn't go to sleep because of an important thing that I had planned. Everything worked out cool and I had almost no time to think at P. I say almost because in the evening I felt the temptation to watch something. But I resisted without even taking a peek. I can say that the triggers and thoughts are getting a bit stronger but I know I can do it. In two days my GF will be free from her university and we coul possibly see each other every day. That will help a ton.
When re-restarted the journal I wasn't able to get 3 days and now I'm at 2 weeks, all thanks to this beautiful platform. Journaling every day in front of other people really helps me with being responsible for my actions.

 

[deminounrae]

Day 15

Today I had a super trigger because I clicked on a link which was a bait to P, I immediately closed browser, but the damage was done, today I had every trigger possible. In the afternoon I stopped myself after doing a thing on the PC, looking at the blank google screen and really wanting to browse for some P, but I figured I could do something else instead and managed to stop me. After that I put in some exercise. But just before going to sleep I give in a little and gave a peek to some P. I didn't edge or touched myself but I actively searched and watched. I'm not very proud of that...
I've also analyzed the why I'm looking at P and I came to the conclusion that it is something I do when I'm bored. When I don't have anything to do my mind just starts craving for P. I'm thinking about picking up a new hobby or something, just to have something else to do instead of looking at P.
I don't really consider what happened a relapse, but I can say it was a little slip. From tomorrow it should be easier since I will be able to see my GF way more often. I can do this.

 

[deminounrae]

Day 16 - 17 - 18

I'm not really used of seeing my GF so much . Days went by very smoothly, no triggers and no relapses or slips I just had fun with my favourite person and went to work.

 

[deminounrae]

Day 19
Fuck me.
Today I was tired, recovering after my night shift. I managed to stay out all afternoon but after dinner I PMO'd I don't know why I did. Maybe I was bored maybe I was just searching for a quick arousal. I'm trying to analyze the thing. I didn't see my GF today, I still believe that my problem is boredom. I relapsed like a moron in the bathroom. I don't feel too bad about it almost 20 days I resisted without too much hustle, today I let my guard down and with some boredom, some horny ness and some tiredness combined I slipped again. Tomorrow's another day

 

[deminounrae]

Jesus I can't get rid of this
So many things have happened from the last time I wrote, I had failed so many times to recover. I remember how good it was being free, actually feeling so good about myself, haven't felt that in a long time.
I have only one thing that keeps me going, it's the thought that I still care, I am still trying, sometimes I stop trying and I feel bad very soon, so I try again.
The problem is, at the moment I am a slave of my urges and triggers, I feel so bad I am almost trapped into myself, looking over as I keep giving up on my resolve. I have conversations with myself and everytime I say, "I am going to give up porn" but then I don't do it . I tried replacing it with a good habit (reading books or playing videogames) I still can't get rid of it. As I said I feel like a slave.
Here's why I am writing this, I will probably not write everyday but I have to let my thoughts out.
I know how to fight this, I know how good the payoff is, I know how good all this will be for me, but still I am not doing what is best for me... Almost to the point of self sabotage.
I've been suffering from depression attacks and loads of stress in the last year and a half, my porn addiction makes me go to bed so late, I wake up tired and mentally broken.
My girlfriend will move in with me in a matter of months, I want to be healed when she arrives, I want to be the best version of myself.

I have to stop finding the easy route and giving up

This is important

This is worth it

Those pixels will never love me, those videos are all fake, my sexual preferences are not the one I force myself to see on screen.

Being happy is worth it

 

[Androg]

If you need more support, find an in-person group. For some people it makes all the difference.

 

[deminounrae]

I managed to last one day, what helps me more than anything is just passing an afternoon/evening with friends. The worst of my compulsive behaviors is PMO before bed. There is a period of time where I did it every single day, regardless of the hour. Yesterday I relapsed hard, 4 times In a day. I basically passed my morning watching P, then in the afternoon and then just before going to sleep. I am almost laughing watching back at yesterday... So stupid, 4 times, the whole morning.
I will put the phone away from my bed before going to sleep, it will still have to be in the same room because I need it for the alarm in the morning.
This will help me.
I can only put myself into this again, healing is worth it.

 

[Androg]

I managed to last one day, what helps me more than anything is just passing an afternoon/evening with friends. The worst of my compulsive behaviors is PMO before bed. There is a period of time where I did it every single day, regardless of the hour. Yesterday I relapsed hard, 4 times In a day. I basically passed my morning watching P, then in the afternoon and then just before going to sleep. I am almost laughing watching back at yesterday... So stupid, 4 times, the whole morning.
I will put the phone away from my bed before going to sleep, it will still have to be in the same room because I need it for the alarm in the morning.
This will help me.
I can only put myself into this again, healing is worth it.

If necessary by a cheap analog alarm clock. Take your recovery very seriously.