Exodus

[workinprogressUK]

Hey Moses. You slipped-up. We've probably all slipped-up at some point. I have on many occasions. You're back and fighting, which is all you can do. One thing I wonder, my friend.... you used to spend a lot of time preoccupied by P and consuming it. Now you don't. There's a big hole left, which you don't yet appear to be filling with anything positive and developmental. It just looks like you're focusing on not using P and to managing your finances. Most people on here (and a lot of scientific research) would suggest that you need to find positive things to do with your new free time, or something else negative (P, alcohol, gambling.... whatever) will fill the gap. What could you do to help yourself, Moses? Re-engage with friends? Study? Exercise? Spirituality? Just a thought.

 

[MosesY]

I have social anxiety because people make fun of me. Grown adult people make me the butt of jokes. I am bald and smaller than most men, I am 6' tall and weigh less than 200 pounds so men seem to think it is their right to make fun of me. I walked into a group meeting one time and one of the guys said "Oh great, another 40 years of wandering in the wilderness." This is why I don't socialize. It is so bad that my therapist has set a goal for me of one social event every two weeks. My niece will be here this weekend and we are all getting together at a restaurant Saturday evening, that will be my social event for these two weeks. So what to do with that free time? Not watching porn any more, what to do? I found a chess app, I have decided to get back into chess and play chess. My roommate stole my regulation chess set, I am going to buy another when I get paid on Friday, from Amazon. I used to play chess a lot, am moderately good at it, and whenever I am tempted to go to porn I will turn to chess.

 

[MosesY]

This is the second week of not looking at porn with one small relapse. I am on day 2 at 22:19:43 free from any porn. Last night I had some erotic dreams and awoke with an erection, hasn't happened to me in years. I hope that being free from porn will reduce my social anxiety, that is my goal. It will also give me excess money to spend on fun things, like going to dinner with my siblings, food treats such as steak or salmon, and things I want such as a new tripod for my phone and a chess set.

 

[MosesY]

I spent some time this morning researching how to block porn on the Chromebook. I am also installing Ever Accountable that will send a list of the websites I view to my brother. There is a fee of $6.99 per month for that, money well spent.

 

[MosesY]

I just watched this video and it really struck home with me. My root problem, the reason I turn to cam girls, is the need for approval. For a little bit of money they will show approval to anyone, causing a dopamine high. I am going to spend more time today learning how to handle rejection and will also talk about it with my therapist Thursday afternoon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIgWMzdgweI

 

[MosesY]

A video on approval from others


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPgxlT_XM2k

 

[40-yearsOnVideoPorn]

Brother, You may think I am mean and awful, and maybe I am.. But I call ?em as I see ?em. I was brutally honest with you and forgive me for my lack of sensitivity and tact.

Having said that, I do read your journal and I am keeping track of you, as I am all the active 40+ journalists. I am interested in you and your progress. I feel your pain and yet, I have to recoil in my own out of a lack of ability to deal with life sonetimes. This stuff is difficult. It?s the hardest thing I?ve ever had to face.

Having said that, I feel I?ve come to understand you much more deeply since our first haphazard introduction. I want to be helpful. I didn?t understand about your hypersensitivity to others words and perceptions before.

I don?t know how much any if this means but I know what you?re going through. I?m going through it myself. I hope you understand I meant what I said but honestly not the way I said it. I want to help you see what you are not seeing, just as I want you to help me see  all I?ve gone blind to.

If it?s of any consequence, you were so present in my mind, for some reason, the whole time as I made my day 17 journal entry. As, ?If I could only help Mose understand these little things. I bet it would help him.? And I wrote it mostly to help myself, you know, but I want you to know, I think we can get through this just fine if we?re able to focus on the right things. I hope you understand.

cheers,
40

 

[MosesY]

I appreciate that 40-yearsonvideoporn. I am on the third day at 21:26:31, almost 4 days. I am reading a book called "Killing Kryptonite" that is good if you are a Christian. It is based on Biblical community and the importance of keeping the community free from sin. My social anxiety, the shame of my porn addiction, has been so bad that I have not gone to church for a while. My church is starting a series called "Better Together" that talks about how we are stronger as a body together than isolated by ourselves. I plan on attending those services and hopefully make a regular habit of going to church again. I see my therapist tomorrow afternoon and plan on sharing my attempt to overcome the porn addiction and talk about it.

 

[MosesY]

I just read this article on how dopamine is not addictive.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201701/no-dopamine-is-not-addictive

If I think about it this makes sense to me. I turn to cam women for approval, not for pleasure. The approval releases chemicals into my brain that in the short term make me feel good about myself. It is the downer afterwards that makes me feel bad. I believe sex is a sacred thing that should be kept between two people privately, not sold for money. This is the struggle; the rush of a neurochemical high from approval versus the ugliness of fake sex. Dopamine basically has trained me to know that I will temporarily feel good about myself if I feed tokens into the computer. There is nothing in my brain that teaches me that over the long term I will be happier and feel better about myself if I don't participate in fake sex other than my own common sense. Thus is the struggle; the extreme good feeling of a neurochemical high causing me to feel good about myself versus common sense telling me I will feel better porn free.

My father was very abusive but with help from therapy I have forgiven him for that. I understand now that he was a bully and he was like that because of his own insecurities. i have totally forgiven him for that and I understand there was something wrong with him that never got fixed and that is why he treated me like that. It is not because there was something wrong with me, a huge revelation to me when I figured that out. However I still suffer from low self esteem because I went for 50 years thinking I was inferior to other people. I expect it will take 5 years of therapy to change this. To look at interactions with people positively, to see the good in myself.

Several things I am doing to increase my self esteem. One, I am going to therapy where the goal is to change the way I think. Two, I have set a simple goal of 90 days free from porn. To achieve that goal will be a huge ego boost, I have never done that before in over 30 years of looking at porn. Three, I am playing chess on the computer. I have it set to a level that I can win occasionally and when I do win it is a very good feeling. Four, I am going to make myself socialize more. I am planning on getting together with family Saturday evening and going to church Sunday morning.

 

[Rex]

I just watched this video and it really struck home with me. My root problem, the reason I turn to cam girls, is the need for approval. For a little bit of money they will show approval to anyone, causing a dopamine high. I am going to spend more time today learning how to handle rejection and will also talk about it with my therapist Thursday afternoon.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIgWMzdgweI

MosesY,

You are doing an excellent job of peeling away the onion of your addiction, this is a big step in the recovery process.  I found the same thing in my recovery, when the world around me caused hurt and pain I used PMO as an escape, a way of soothing the hurts and pains of life or not having the approval of others.  The YouTube video that you posted is excellent. 

One thing I have found that helped me immensely in my recovery is the fact that God loves us unconditionally and when I fully began to realize and truly believed it, the PMO temptations and other distractions really didn't matter anymore.  It doesn't matter what others think as long as I am doing my best to serve God, nothing else really matters.  I have noticed this change in thinking has also provided me with other blessings and grace from God that I never expected.

Keep up the great work, you are doing well!  You are going to win this war against PMO!

 

[MosesY]

I appreciate the comments and advice. I take all of those comments to heart and it makes a tremendous difference in my journey.

 

[workinprogressUK]

I just read this article on how dopamine is not addictive.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-who-stray/201701/no-dopamine-is-not-addictive

If I think about it this makes sense to me.

The author of your article, David Ley, is best known for his book "Ethical Porn for Dicks; A Man's Guide to Responsible Viewing Pleasure", described by his publisher as an "accessible, funny, and well-informed book. It is the first one to offer men a nonjudgmental way to discover how to view and use pornography responsibly".

Not everything he writes in the article is bullshit. Dopamine isn't pure evil. But the conclusions he's asking readers to buy-into aren't ones I think are constructive. 

 

[40-yearsOnVideoPorn]

Mose, Have you read Your Brain On Porn by Gary Wilson, yet? Man, if not, that is THEE book that every man trying to quit porn NEEDS to read. There is no better information out, then that. He?s the guy whose made the real breakthroughs and is the leading authority on breaking porn addiction.

You can download it for $5.99 USD, from YourBrainOnPorn.com

 

[MosesY]

I will get that book on Friday and will read it as soon as I finish the book I am reading now. As a side note I have decided to quit drinking alcohol as well.

 

[MosesY]

Today is my 5th day at 19:49:22. I am about to have a huge check deposited in my bank account which will create a strong temptation to visit cam site this weekend. Things I am doing to reduce the temptation; 1) I am reading a book called "Killing Kryptonite" 2) I am buying the Kindle version of "Your Brain on Porn" today from Amazon, my next book to read. 3) I am paying next months rent out of this check so that a lot of my money is already spent. 4) I quit drinking alcohol. I do not have any in the house and will not buy any this weekend. I am starting both "AA" meetings and "Celebrate Recovery" meetings as soon as possible. 5) I have a social event Saturday evening with my family where there will not be any alcohol and I will get a dopamine charge from seeing old friends and family. 6) Early Sunday morning is the worst time for me I have found. Normally I am up and around at 1 or 2 am with nothing to do. This Sunday morning I plan on playing good music whil reading my book and then attending church at 8:30 am. 7) I am paying my bills and getting groceries and gas then transferring the rest of my money to a harder to access savings account. My main savings account links to my debit card but I have other savings accounts that don't. I can only transfer money electronically I think 6 times per month so if I transfer it once and then transfer it back that is already 2 of my transactions, giving me pause. 8 ) I have installed "Block Site" on my Chromebook and synched it to my phone and protected it with a password that I can't remember. I can have the password emailed to me but if I have to transfer money, get the password, then uninstall the app it gives me 3 pauses to consider what I am doing. 9) If I avoid porn until noon Sunday I am going to reward myself by going to a nice cigar shop here in town and buying a good cigar then treating myself to a Big Mac at McDonalds (I rarely eat junk food) and smoking the cigar afterwards.

Normal porn just doesn't do it for me, it is all so fake that it turns me off actually. My only temptations is cam site where I actually have to spend money to get a dopamine rush. I guess I am a hard core addict.

If this ends up not working, I will never give up. I will just come up with a different plan.

 

[BigMog]

Well done Moses. Having a plan and goals, especially to deal with the times when you know you may be vulnerable is really sensible-it took me a long time to learn. (I know I still have plenty to learn).
Connecting with friends and family is great too, connecting in the real world with real people instead of pixels or cam girls must be good for us in so many ways.

If this ends up not working, I will never give up. I will just come up with a different plan.

Yep, you will win this struggle!

 

[Skins23]

Thanks for sharing your plan.  I like the attention to detail.  You sound good!  Stay strong and reach out as needed. 

 

[40-yearsOnVideoPorn]

You sound great Mose! You?re doing so many things right. Just remember that. You are investing all this energy in the new you and it will pay off.

I tell my daughters to get use to ALWAYS having money svailable that they NEVER spend. That?s their emergency fund, their conforting cushion in life against hard times. And if they never spend it, it will be there when they retire. You should set a goal for say, $200, or $1000 or $10,000 or whatever level your personal numbers operate at right now.

Get used to having that money and think of it as Orange Money, or Blue Money or Red Money, whatever works for you. NEVER spend it and just learn to get comfortable with the idea of always making it grow. Some day later in life, if you have to dip into it to buy yourself simething you need only use part of it along with matched funds you have from paychecks, separate savings or a tax return or something.

it?s your money... but like your dick, you don?t shoot your wad with it.

cheers, m8
You sound solid now!
40

 

[MosesY]

I ended up deciding to take my money out of the bank in cash so I cannot access it online. I paid my bills and bought the book "Your Brain on Porn" and took out everything except $15. I don't remember when Netflix and Hulu charge me and this will prevent it from going overdrawn.

Another big step today, I cut up all my credit cards, wrapped them in wads of toilet paper in two separate halves and threw them in the trash. I may end up setting them on fire.

Because my willpower has been disabled by the porn addiction a big step for me is to disable funding for cam sites. This is why I talk about it.

 

[Skins23]

Makes sense brother man!  Let?s do this one day at a time!