Exodus

[cranm329]

Hi Moses
Want to let you know that you have friends on here who care when you are going thru tough times. The 2 week PMO free point is a common time to feel emotionally low. You are not alone. Well done not drinking and persisting with your P free streak. Having time with your family to celebrate the 2 week mark is a great idea.

 

[40-yearsOnVideoPorn]

If you ever consider the desire to drink again, just know, PMO lurks at the bottom of the glass.

Also, I have 757 days being alcohol-free and I used to drink every day. I haven?t had a drop in all this time because being able to say I?ve been alcohol-free is a badge of honor for me now. .

Just as it will be for you, soon.

Be proud of what you?re doing. All those people who put you down will discover how wrong they were, when they see who you are now. You?re stronger and more resolute than you?ve ever been. That makes you stronger than most of the guys out there, because you have what it takes to do this.

All you gotta do now is let the time roll by, and hold your course, cuz you?re right on track.

 

[MosesY]

I am on the 13th day at 11:20:15. I appreciate all the encouragement. I came home from work tired and depressed. I had to do QC, packing, and shipping today plus end of the month inventory and it is a thankless job. I took all of my extra money out of the bank in cash again and set aside $200. I shaved and took a long hot shower, that woke me up and made me feel better. I was just looking at my finances. All of my bills are paid on time this month for the first time in 6 months. My bank account won't be overdrawn. I made a list of all my bills for next month, I will pay all of them early and also set money aside to save for an emergency fund. That made me feel a lot better. No urge to look at porn or drink when I see how much money I am saving.

 

[BigMog]

Hi Moses, Good work! So you got home tired and depressed from a difficult day but still managed to turn it round, make yourself feel better and do some really constructive things. For some of us at various times, the temptation to medicate with porn would have been too great.
That?s a good victory on the road to freedom from PMO. Thanks for sharing it.

 

[MosesY]

I am on the 14th day at 9:55:47. Sunday mornings is the worst time for me, I do most of my chores and errands on Saturday so I have very little to do on Sunday. Tomorrow morning I plan on doing my cooking early in the morning, I have some pans to wash too, so it will take me a while. Later in the morning I plan on using some of my camp gear, I collect Coleman stuff, and making breakfast on my camp stove out in the garage. I have some thick bacon, sausage links, and eggs. I have a cigar to smoke afterwards. That will keep me busy for a while, get me out of the house and get some fresh air. I have no urge to look at porn. I think the trick to a permanent stop to porn is to stay alert, not to get complacent. And not to give in to temptation even a little bit. There are suggestive videos on YouTube, flirting with women on dating sites, masturbation with porn fantasies, all of that stuff has to be totally annihilated.

 

[MosesY]

I am on the 14th day at 21:06:16, almost 15 days. The urge to look at porn is strong this morning. I have some things planned this morning and won't give in to it. If it gets bad I will take a cold shower.

 

[Prodigal son]

Keep it up, Sundays were my tough days too.  Keep your head in the game and stick to the plan. 8)

 

[MosesY]

I am on day 16 at 21:39:12. Almost 17 days. The urge to look at sexy images is strong now, DeltaFosB is receding a little. On the other hand life seems brighter right now, I am looking forward to the future. Coffee and food tastes better. I am badass; haven't looked at porn for 16 days, haven't drank for almost 2 weeks, I am kicking butt.

Being spiritual I know I have to rely on a higher power to help me with this but God is distant right now. In fact He is nowhere to be found. My life at work is hectic and stressful right now; why doesn't God fix that, it would help me tremendously. I know that God loves me, several times I have felt God's love for me and it is an awesome experience. Where is He at when I really need Him?

 

[Rex]

I am on day 16 at 21:39:12. Almost 17 days. The urge to look at sexy images is strong now, DeltaFosB is receding a little. On the other hand life seems brighter right now, I am looking forward to the future. Coffee and food tastes better. I am badass; haven't looked at porn for 16 days, haven't drank for almost 2 weeks, I am kicking butt.

Being spiritual I know I have to rely on a higher power to help me with this but God is distant right now. In fact He is nowhere to be found. My life at work is hectic and stressful right now; why doesn't God fix that, it would help me tremendously. I know that God loves me, several times I have felt God's love for me and it is an awesome experience. Where is He at when I really need Him?

MosesY,

I can't tell you how much I have struggled with this question, today it's day 190 for me being free from PMO.  I have struggled so hard beating this addiction while fighting crippling Lyme disease that has brought me to my knees.  There were days in the last 6 months when I felt God abandoned me or I felt in this journey that God was so distant even when I knew I was doing all the right things and was obeying his commandments and staying clean of PMO. This is when the devil would hit me hard with temptations saying things like God's not listening why not go back to PMO?  I would fight through these temptations and forge forward and continue to pray.  I had days when I would question God, why is this happening to me, why are the simplest of things so difficult for me to do when everyone else I know can do them with ease, why am I housebound and I live with paralyzing panic attacks and anxiety?  I would plead for Him to immediately heal me.  These were dark days, and I still have bad days and days when I pray and don't feel anything or feel dead inside. However God did give me multiple signs that total healing is on the way, it was then that I realized that God doesn't work on my time table but in His time table.  In those darkest hours never forget He's there with us every moment of our struggles.

This battle for me though it's been the most difficult thing I have ever faced in my life, however it's been the most rewarding and has made me so strong even when my physical body is still weak.  God is working through you he is sending you your current trials to build you up and make you stronger.  For me I was a daily PMO addict for three decades, today I am 190 Days free from PMO.  I would never have had this victory without God.

Here's a great sermon which really helped me when I had those periods recently where I felt so distant from God and felt my prayers weren't being answered.  It was such a big help for me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D5S0C35f_gE

Keep up the great work!  You are 2 1/2 weeks free from PMO, that's a big victory!  There are many more victories right around the corner!  I'll keep you in my prayers...

 

[cranm329]

Well done with the P and drink. Answering your question, He is within you. Like most of us you probably don't realise that especially when stressed. An old motoring motto: 'Give way (yield) and let God take over (overtake, if you prefer)' We tend to have our feet hard down on life's gas pedal perhaps trying to keep ahead of the stress but don't look in the rear view mirror and see Him falling back behind us.

 

[MosesY]

I am on the 18th day at 20:43:29, almost 3 weeks. I appreciate the encouragement. I am suffering from severe depression. I find it comforting to think about ending my life and am going to purchase what I need for that to happen this weekend, it is just relaxing for me to know that I don't have to go on, peaceful to contemplate it. I finally got my license straightened out, it is valid now and SR22 is not required. This is a huge weight off my shoulders but it took a toll. I had only been driving what was absolutely necessary so that will change now. I am going to attend Celebrate Recovery meetings and Alcoholics Anonymous. I see my therapist tonight but I am not going to tell her I am suicidal, she just freaks out. I am going to talk about the book "Your Brain on Porn" and what I learned from it, plus she will be happy I haven't had anything to drink.

 

[cranm329]

Moses, PLEASE CONTACT SOMEONE.
You are doing so well. The depression will feed you lies especially when you are rebooting your mind.
If you don't feel like talking about suicide with your therapist, dial up The Samaritans or whatever equiva!ent agency you have in the States.
You matter to us too. Even though we've all not met face to face we are all buddies and friends. You are a friend and I (we) care for you.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Hey Moses. I hope that the darkness has passed by and you're feeling more positive. All your problems are temporary. You're doing an admirable job fixing them Be gentle on yourself and show yourself some love. I'm thinking of you. Please call somebody. How 'bout your brother?

 

[J01]

Hi brother Moses!  You are in the midst of a struggle on many fronts-any of us in your position would get weary.  Even so, you have impressive streaks going, including your battle with alcohol.  Do not, repeat, do not take the prepatory purchase steps you mentioned in your last post.

Others, including myself, have gained from your posts.  Wish I could answer the God questions, I have the same ones myself !

Keep us posted, people, including myself, care.

 

 

 

[40-yearsOnVideoPorn]

That?s a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Mose. It?s the coward?s way out. Don?t sucumb to that line of thinking. Think about the people who love you and how deeply you would hurt them by such a selfish act. This quote from James Spader?s character on the Blacklist says it better than I?ve ever heard it said:


Quotes :
Raymond 'Red' Reddington : Have you ever seen the aftermath of a suicide bombing?
Mysterious Woman : We're wasting time.

Raymond 'Red' Reddington : I have. June 29th, 2003. I was meeting two associates at the Marouche restaurant in Tel Aviv. As my car was pulling up, a 20-year-old Palestinian named Ghazi Safar entered the restaurant and detonated a vest wired with C-4

Mysterious Woman : Let me go.

Raymond 'Red' Reddington : The shock wave knocked me flat, blew out my eardrums. I couldn't hear. The smoke... It was like being under water. I went inside. A nightmare. Blood, parts of people. You could tell where Safar was standing when the vest blew. It was like a perfect circle of death. There was almost nothing left of the people closest to him. Seventeen dead, 46 injured. Blown to pieces. The closer they were to the bomber, the more horrific the effect.

Mysterious Woman : Stop.

Raymond 'Red' Reddington : That's every suicide. Every single one. An act of terror perpetrated against everyone who's ever known you. Everyone who's ever loved you. The people closest to you, the ones who cherish you are the ones who suffer the most pain, the most damage. Why would you do that? Why would you do that to people who love you?

 

[MosesY]

I am on the 19th day at 20:07:34. I had a rough week but I have a couple hours vacation today so only have to work 6 hours today and 6 hours on Saturday. I am going to find an AA meeting to go to, going to church tomorrow afternoon for the first time in a long time, Celebrate Recovery Monday night. I had a good session with my therapist last night, my insurance company pays her $187 per hour to care about me. I plan on cleaning and oiling my shoes this weekend, will be the highlight of my week.

 

[MosesY]

I am on the 20th day at 18:45:48. Almost 3 weeks now of no cam sites, no porn, not even risque YouTube videos. Still no real urge to look at porn. I found a cabinetmakers bench at a garage sale for an unbelievably low price. I can set it up in the garage and build stuff on it this summer with my hand tools. This gives me hope for the future.

 

[MosesY]

I am on the 21st day at 19:36:27. I can't believe it has been 3 weeks without porn. I am doing my cooking this morning. I went through a suicidal period and came out the other side okay. I feel much better this morning and better able to handle my stress at work. I know that I have to go in for a terrible day at work tomorrow and I am okay with that. Right now I am not in a position to move so I have to take the job I have and live with it, i am okay with that. THis is a workbench I found at a garage sale this weekend, it makes me feel better.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Three weeks clean  8). Congratulations on that landmark, Moses.

 

[MosesY]

I am on the 26th day at 00:07:35, just starting the day. I am going through severe depression. Porn and alcohol used to give me something to focus on, something to do in my spare time. I am working 10 hour days and Saturdays so it seems right now that I do nothing except work, eat, and sleep. Basically no point to life. I am too tired in the evenings to go out and socialize and I am socially inept anyway. I tried a local church group a few times and the men there outright disrespected me for some reason. I took a shower before hand and I am OCD about cleaning myself so I know I didn't stink. There is just something about me that people don't like. My supervisor doesn't like me, he expects twice as much work from me as he does from anyone else so by the end of the day I am tired and ready to just sleep. Last night I was too tired to eat.