Exodus

[MosesY]

I am on the 6th day at 21:03:37. Saturday morning I was up at 1:30 am, it is 2:30 now. In 3 hours I start working an 8 hour day today. I am not tempted to look at porn at all this morning. I think I would be if I had a couple hundred dollars setting in the bank. I have taken such extensive measures to guard my finances that my prefrontal cortex is very focused on not looking at porn. Alcohol inhibits the prefrontal cortex function and basically eliminates common sense.

My niece is visiting this weekend due to a court case concerning child support from an abusive husband. We are all getting together tonight at a Chinese buffet for all you can eat and good times with family and friends. I am actually looking forward to it instead of being nervous about it. I feel good about myself, about all the changes I am making, the support I am getting from you guys and my family. I expect my life to keep getting better.

I guess I shouldn't say I am not tempted to look at porn at all. I still remember that as good times, my brain doesn't change that fast. However my prefrontal cortex is fully functional and connected right now, giving me the common sense to reject that temptation. Alcohol or dwelling on the thought severs the link between the prefrontal cortex and the pleasure center, eliminating inhibition.

I am writing a post on Facebook and then spending the rest of my morning watching "Taken" on Netflix.

 

[Prodigal son]

Keep it up, your doing some good work.

 

[MosesY]

I am on day 7 now at 23:35:11. Almost day 8. I am not tempted to look at porn this morning at all. I have been reading some journals and posted a couple replies and my mind is so focused on doing better for myself and enabling myself to help other people that the temptation to look at porn is almost totally annihilated.

I attended a family function last night a big step considering my porn induced social anxiety. I had so many excuses to stay at home. I had a hard week, I had to work all day, I hardly had energy left to take a shower. I put some CBD oil in my vape mod, calms my mind, and made myself go. I had a great time. My niece is out here in Indiana, she is from Oklahoma, settling a child support case so we all got together at a Chinese buffet. There were about 30 of us. It was a dopamine rush for me. Possibly one of the reasons I do not feel the need for porn this morning. I was able to pay for my niece's meal, I had cash with me, more dopamine. Two weeks ago I would not have had the money for my own meal much less hers because it would all have been spent on cam site. My rent for next month is paid and next week I will have about $150 to put in savings.

I used to spend about $50 a week on alcohol and $200 on cam site. About a month ago I got my tax return. I paid some bills and bought some stuff I wanted and had $600 left over. I left $150 in savings. I spent about $200 on cam site Thursday night, a little buzzed. On Friday night I got shit faced and spent money on cam site until they rejected my debit card. I woke up Saturday morning and went to buy groceries and my debit card was rejected. I only had $4 left. I did not have money for food to eat. I thought my savings account was intact but the debit card automatically pulls from savings when there is no money in checking. In two days I had spent $596 on cam site and now I had no money for groceries. I had $16 worth of credit on one of my cards and bought frozen dinners to eat that week. I could have eaten porterhouse steak every day of the week for a month. That's when I began looking for help.

I wonder how many men live like this due to porn?

 

[MosesY]

I have decided to spend the day reading "Your Brain on Porn". I looked at it and now am getting into it.

Here is a quote from the book. ". They saw the gains from consistency without panicking about setbacks, which they now accepted with greater self-compassion."

It is interesting to note that even though I had a small set back last Sunday morning I have looked at less porn in the last two weeks than any two weeks in the 3 years prior to that. The urge to look at it is weakening and I am gaining pleasure in doing other things.

 

[Skins23]

Sounding good Moses!  I need to buy that book.

 

[MosesY]

I went to the kitchen to do my cooking and the thought occurred to me that I am now past my dangerous Sunday morning time. The wee hours of Sunday morning, the loneliest time of my week. I have gone over a week now without succumbing to the sirens. A very good feeling.

 

[MosesY]

I am sitting here reading "Your Brain on Porn" and listening to my Spotify "Favorite Favorites" playlist. I was born Amish and very religious so was always taught porn was sin. This was the only reason I wanted to quit porn until now; because it is "sin". This is why I never really tried to quit; it felt good and I wanted it. Now I am learning about the things porn causes; social anxiety, lack of will power, loss of function during real sex, low self esteem, etc. I really want to quit and become a better person.

 

[Prodigal son]

You are doing very well, keep it up.  Be aware that around 10-12 days you may experience some unexpected temptation as the DeltafosB levels start to recede in your brain.  You'll probably learn about that in your book too.  This too, shall pass.  Your heart will continue to change as well, those old habits will become more and more pointless and disgusting the further you get from them.

Be well my brother in Christ

 

[MosesY]

I am reading how sensitization increases when you quit porn. I am pretty sure if I had not planned extensively and taken steps to avoid it I would have given in to porn this morning.

 

[MosesY]

Be aware that around 10-12 days you may experience some unexpected temptation as the DeltafosB levels start to recede in your brain.
Be well my brother in Christ

I am aware this week might be harder than last week. I have decided to turn off my computer and phone tonight when I go to bed and leave it off until next Saturday morning. I will be working long days and I have books to read so I will not miss it. I will keep my phone with me and charged while driving in case of emergency. Next weekend I will follow the same procedure I did this weekend; pay all my bills, remove the rest of my money from the bank in cash, and plan some social events.

 

[MosesY]

Just finished the book "Your Brain on Porn", an incredible experience. First time I have sat and read all day for about 30 years I guess. I would say it is a must read if you are trying to quit porn.

 

[40-yearsOnVideoPorn]

I definitely agree with you on that 100%. It was the real game-changer for me. I?m certain I would just be spinning my wheels right now in frustration if it weren?t for the information in that book. I?ve been trying to quit since I started. I?ve been to high-priced Ph.D. psychologists, 12-step SA groups, clergy. They all prescribed their method and it all failed for me. 30-days was the longest I?ve ever been ablg to go, blindly white-kuckling the whole way only to fail. The frustration drove me insane.

This book has only been out since 2017, I think, so... I don?t believe it was ever possible for me to quit before that, not until I learned the information in that book. I was too far gone. I felt my case was hopeless. That book changed my life. I read it. I understood everything clearly and my whole path was clear. I feel like I was cured right then and I believe time will prove it.

I?m done with porn and now I clearly understand what those feelings are and how to cope with them without relapsing. I never would have got that on my own. Not in a million years. Without Gary Wilson, I never would have figured it all out like this. Amazing book!

Glad you were able to study it and I hope it gives you all the tools you need to fix the issues that drive you to use porn. Watching your progress has been very encouraging for me. Looking forward to a brighter future for both of us!

40

 

[Prodigal son]

Be aware that around 10-12 days you may experience some unexpected temptation as the DeltafosB levels start to recede in your brain.
Be well my brother in Christ

I am aware this week might be harder than last week. I have decided to turn off my computer and phone tonight when I go to bed and leave it off until next Saturday morning. I will be working long days and I have books to read so I will not miss it. I will keep my phone with me and charged while driving in case of emergency. Next weekend I will follow the same procedure I did this weekend; pay all my bills, remove the rest of my money from the bank in cash, and plan some social events.

Stay with it, you're making all the right moves and staying focused.  Go Moses Go!

 

[MosesY]

Today is day 9 at 23:01:13. I was going to leave my computer off this week but I find I cannot. I am addicted to the internet. I have no temptation to look at porn now so it is okay. I am taking a day of vacation today to get my drivers license straightened out and do a few other things as well. My plan is to get 90 days free from porn and then help other men overcome porn addictions. I am planning on putting together a presentation and then speaking in churches in my area. A list of resources to hand out, etc. The damage that porn is doing to our marriages and relationships is just terrible.

 

[Prodigal son]

Sounds like a great plan.

 

[40-yearsOnVideoPorn]

To be honest, you sound like a whole new man, Mose. Your resolve is impeccable. You?ve made AMAZING progress. So proud of you! Keep moving forward!

 

[MosesY]

I am on the 11th day at 0:34:36. I took another vacation day today, I have 3 weeks worth. I am understanding now how desensitization feels like depression; nothing feels good, lack of will power. I know that will come back in 3-6 months but for right now it is hard to deal with life. I wrote a long post on a suicide forum I frequent (I am bipolar) about the link between porn addiction and suicide. I am spending the rest of the day mostly watching "Taken" on Netflix but I am also checking on my driver's license status and will probably call down to Indianapolis again today if the suspension isn't taken off by noon. I am keeping an eye on my checking account and Hulu took out their 99 cents the other day and Netflix isn't due until the 2nd of next month. I have $12.95 left in checking so I am going to put $10 on my payrange app I use for the vending machines at work so I have no temptation at all to pay for cam sites. I just did that, now I only have $2.95 left in the bank. This week I will have several hundred dollars left over after paying my bills and getting groceries and gas. I plan on taking it out in cash again and getting a small lock box for my bedroom, I live with 2 other guys. It is a shared house, I have no relationship with the other guys. Not having money in the bank is a very strong deterrent to spending money on cam site. it works extremely well for me.

 

[MosesY]

I am on the 11th day at 20:35:50, almost 12 days. No urge to look at porn. My license suspension should be lifted today. I am bipolar and depressed right now. All it would take to cheer me up is 4 or 5 doubles of Evan Williams.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Great progress, Moses. Your focus and commitment are really impressive. You're absolutely correct that the desensitization will reduce and you'll start to feel more positive, but you're also right not to expect that lift straight away. Stay healthy, sir.

 

[MosesY]

I am on the twelfth day at 12:50:38. I had a very good day at work today. No urge to look at porn tonight. Mentally I am in rough shape, on edge from porn and alcohol withdrawal. Borderline angry. Knowing the effects porn has on me I don't want porn right now but a double of bourbon would make me feel very good. However I know that leads to porn so I am not giving in to that temptation either. I am thinking of inviting my siblings to join me at Chili's SUnday afternoon to celebrate two weeks porn and alcohol free.