My journal to recovery- Could use support

[Zel99]

I haven't read your full story but you seem confident that you made the right decision. I think you recognize that you're ready to be in a relationship, but this girl wasn't the right one. If you think being with this person will lead to a relapse, I wouldn't go forward with it. We have to stick with this for the rest of our lives.

It seems like you know that you can be in relationships with other girls. I wouldn't sweat it too much. If you come to regret your decision, think back on why you did it in the first place. Continue to put yourself out there! Good luck

 

[Non-Dual Adventurer]

Reading what you are saying I would definitely say that you made the right decision.

To expound a little on my previous post, it does not sound like you could imagine yourself loving and being loved by this girl. Love is peace, my friend, and peace is love. If you are in two minds about it, it is not that. When I met my wife, it was a very deep connection - mind-bogglingly deep. It shook the very fabric of my being and still does. It was so deep that it made me sure that there is a universal, omni-benevolent energy. It was so deep it made me completely forget about myself as an ego and separate entity from the universe itself.

You did not have this with this girl.

Not every connection has to be like this, but it has to be deep. Depth is the precursor to love. The deeper you go, the more love becomes apparent.

Your experience with this girl was not that. It was just an interaction that was fun but it did not feed your soul in the right way, and you made the right decision.

Always feed your soul its proper nutrients.

She will likely show up quite unexpectedly. Most likely when you accept yourself whole-heartedly and unreservedly, with no caveats or exceptions. It will happen in its own unique way.

In the meantime, be kind to yourself, relax a bit, enjoy life, don't worry too much. you're on the right track and the right relationship will come, but not a moment before it is supposed to.

Well done my friend. Sending you love and positive vibes from sunny AZ.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks Zel! I really appreciate the point about since I know I can be in a relationship with other girls, not to sweat it too much..... It's really not a huge deal. Recovery comes first, this girl is not good for recovery other girls are perfectly fine and I will meet them in the future, so no big deal.


Thanks Non-Dual, I don't think I have had a connection that strong before but... I have certainly felt stronger emotional connections to girls. With this girl I was very uncertain, even aside from the danger to my recovery, I really felt like I wanted to meet other girls whereas I have had relationships or met girls where I almost lost interest in meeting other girls.

A friend of mine recommend writing down what I am looking for in a woman on a piece of paper, I think that is a good idea....

I do know a lot of what I want but I keep it in my head, but it's easy to sort of brush it aside, if it's written down I think that'll change things. I keep saying to myself I should do that.... Why not do it???

Also as far as this girl, she didn't even respond to my last message (though she does that often, she said she doesn't text much) so I am thinking to not message her again and see if things can just fizzle on their own? And if she contacts me again then I have a plan to end it nicely. It will involve lying, I know not everyone will approve of lying. But it's a nice smooth way to do it that will spare her feelings. Or perhaps it is better to just end it right away? Not wait for her to message me..... Cut off the possibility?

Just some more ramblings: Her not answering texts etc. not a huge deal but there is an underlying message. This girl talked about in past relationships people would be mad at her for not answering messages being too independent etc. I know in the modern culture this is sort of encouraged.... but that's not really what I want or am looking for and I don't think that'd bring me happiness.

In other news no fantasy last night or this am! Renewing the commitment for tonight and tomorrow morning.

I am still under the weather but going to take it a bit easy today and tomorrow hopefully be good monday, I can use this "down time" to plan write etc. (stuff like writing out the kind of girl I am looking for, coming up with a fitness plan, career planning etc. ) and at the same time not need to be perfect, I can also nap and just read for fun too.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

A lot happened in the one day I missed!

Like everyone else, I think you're probably on the right track to move on from this girl. I can't remember where I first heard it, but I always have in my mind the thought that you should find the girl who makes you want to be your best self. If who you are with a certain girl isn't who you really want to be, then it's probably not the right girl.

I love Non-Dual Adventurer's thought about love being peace. That sounds exactly right to me. Find the kind of girl that you helps you be your best self and that you want to introduce to everyone you know.

More than anything, keep writing your story and pressing forward day by day.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks man! Looks like we are posting at the same time (you posted in a few journals but not in yours yet) so looking forward to your update which'll be there next time I post/check the forum I bet!

Still under the weather.

Man feel so much better moving on from that girl. It's so CRAZY how much that threw me for a whirl, like once I decided not to date her I am myself again.... calm happy optimistic looking forward to the future, looking forward to other goals. I get into this lame mode of "I need a girl" and a another trick of the addiction "A girl/ sex is what I NEED to stay clean!" Or " I need to start rewiring right now!" All total nonsense, just addiction tricks. That girl really did activate parts of my addicted brain. Writing out what I want and knowing it is key. The girl violated some basic things that I have as standards I am looking for in a girlfriend.


But anyways, feeling good even though I am under the weather, finished my first woodworking project for myself! Really felt good and nice to finish it as I hadn't worked on it lately. I went to the gym and stretched a bunch (felt great) I listened to the Joe Rogan podcast with Jocko Willinick, this super badass former navy seal. So it was super interesting and motivating. Overal a great day.

PLUS going to hang out with some new friends, we thought of going to a bar but now it'll be at friends place. Part of me was like "but at the bar there could be girls" but man is it much healthier to go hang out with some guys and have fun realizing I can have a great time with 0 girls around. I also won't know most of the people but I feel totally at ease about it, that is something I am kind of proud of. I put a lot of effort into developing my social confidence, and although it's not perfect. I realize that it is normal to feel awkward in a situation like this but.... I don't! I am confident I'll get along with everyone and have a great time, something I really worked at (my ability to make a good impression, get along with others) so I am grateful and happy for that.

Fantasy free tonight is the plan, really feel back on right track. Thank god and once again man always so happy to not relapse! Once the urge passes and being back on track I realize NOTHING is more valuable then staying clean of porn. It opens up everyting else. Also to connect that to the situation NOTHING is more important.... definitely not sex or a friend with benefits with some girl. The slightest risk is not worth it...



Edit: I almost forgot, I think I asked before but what (preferably free) porn filters to you guys recommend? I think adding that extra friction will be good and taking an action to move porn further from me will be psychologically beneficial.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Darn some difficulty

 

[BlueHeronFan]

It's good to hear you're out enjoying social experiences even when there are 0 girls around. I think that's a good, healthy part of a well-rounded recovery. Strengthen your friendships even with men. It's awesome that you're feeling confident and secure, a definite sign that you're on the right track!

As for filters, I've had the best luck with OpenDNS. It works either on the router or individual device level (since my current router is incompatible/owned by the internet company or whatever). It has a lot of settings and options, and the filters/site lists seem to be kept up to date by other people (so I don't have to know about or think about which sites to block, just the categories of sites). I haven't wanted to test the edges of the filter, but it seems like it's pretty comprehensive and effective, and it doesn't trigger on sites that are safe (like some other filters I've tried). So I guess it does what I need it to in the background without reminding me all the time that I have it running, which is nice. It does only work when I'm in my apartment since it's tied to my specific internet connection, but I'm not looking for porn in public anyway so that's fine.

Keep on truckin'!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Fuck. So just went into a super heavy gray area. Went on tinder looking at photos trying to message girls about crazy pmo stuff. Ugghhh. it sucks. Feels bad. Pretty surprised I did that.

Edit: Wait let me not say I am surprised I did that..... I was fantasizing earlier and went home basically with the plan to fantasize of course that would happen laying around in bed fantasizing. That really sucked. It could have been way worse though I guess. So I guess just gotta basically hit the reset button. (not throwing things away though!) This is kind of like last time I killed really long streak, but this time I won't go all the way off the cliff. I don't think I can handle a full on relapse in my life again.... (But I can handle being tougher and not letting shit like this happen again).

The lapse really started in earnest with me texting old girls numbers, checking compulsively for responses. I even texted the girl I had decided to cut out.... (lol she texted she doesn't even want to see me).

So the real lesson is : I am not "normal" I have an addiction. I can not keep a triggering girls number to "be nice" and not cut things off/ block her. Last time I had a similiar situation I blocked and deleted the number cutting that girl out (impossible for me to contact her) and told her nothing. It may not be "nice" but it is NECESSARY for me! Strong lesson I guess, I got weak went against my values it led to a very slippery slope/ lapse AND I got rejected for my efforts.

I need a break from girls..... Pull back from it, it's always hard to reintroduce but I also tried to talk to many girls today just a whole host of things all went wrong.

 

[Zel99]

A little break doesn't seem like it would hurt. Like you said, I wouldn't consider what you did a full relapse. You may think about the reset button, but that doesn't mean you lost the progress you made. You have the right idea with sticking to things.

You mentioned before the Joe Rogan and Jocko podcast. You should really check out Joe and David Goggins. He's a former Navy Seal and ultra marathon bad ass. Very inspiring.

I think you know where it started to spiral downwards, fantasizing in your bed. Think of solutions to avoid/distract yourself from indulging. Like I said, don't beat yourself up over it too much and keep moving. Good luck.

 

[wecandoit]

Fuck. So just went into a super heavy gray area. Went on tinder looking at photos trying to message girls about crazy pmo stuff. Ugghhh. it sucks. Feels bad. Pretty surprised I did that.

Edit: Wait let me not say I am surprised I did that..... I was fantasizing earlier and went home basically with the plan to fantasize of course that would happen laying around in bed fantasizing. That really sucked. It could have been way worse though I guess. So I guess just gotta basically hit the reset button. (not throwing things away though!) This is kind of like last time I killed really long streak, but this time I won't go all the way off the cliff. I don't think I can handle a full on relapse in my life again.... (But I can handle being tougher and not letting shit like this happen again).

The lapse really started in earnest with me texting old girls numbers, checking compulsively for responses. I even texted the girl I had decided to cut out.... (lol she texted she doesn't even want to see me).

So the real lesson is : I am not "normal" I have an addiction. I can not keep a triggering girls number to "be nice" and not cut things off/ block her. Last time I had a similiar situation I blocked and deleted the number cutting that girl out (impossible for me to contact her) and told her nothing. It may not be "nice" but it is NECESSARY for me! Strong lesson I guess, I got weak went against my values it led to a very slippery slope/ lapse AND I got rejected for my efforts.

I need a break from girls..... Pull back from it, it's always hard to reintroduce but I also tried to talk to many girls today just a whole host of things all went wrong.

Fantasizing is a big problem for me too. I don't think we can stop those fantasies from coming to our heads but we can choose how to react to that. We could drown in them or walk away. It's easier said than done I know. It hasn't been easy for me. When I choose to cut out all the "stimulation" from my life (watching videos, looking at pictures), those fantasies are the way my addiction tries to make me press that dopamine button. If I could handle this well, I have a chance. Usually, everything starts from fantasies with me. If I enjoy the fantasies too much I end up doing something stupid, looking at pictures stuff like that. It escalates little bit little with "softer" stuff until I watch hardcore porn and I know why I am there but I lost control anyway. It's very hard to walk away from pleasures. It's clear we need to find a way to stop fantasizing that much. I try to think about something else, focus on something else, focus on what I'm doing etc. There is no other way but "look away" from that porn in my head.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks for the support guys!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Yeah, I think you're in tune with what you need to do. These lapses never really catch us by surprise, so it's honest and important to recognize that. Choices led you to that gray area, and choices can lead you back out. You're in control, and that's a good thing.

Also super important that "normal" for a recovering addict is not the same as normal for other people. We can't compare ourselves to everyone else. We have different challenges and vulnerabilities, and we need to take care of ourselves not try to live other people's lives. It's so easy to think that we're just putting in our time of good behavior so that we can go back to how we used to do things, but that won't work. We have to recognize and commit to changing our lives permanently. Given the fact of our addiction, we have to learn to live in a way that keeps us moving in the right direction.

You know what you have to do. Probably there are two halves of you battling it out, though. Whichever side you act on is the one that will get stronger. So cut the garbage out and give a boost to your better half.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks man on the money! I wanted to say "luckily" things are more on track, but it's not luck! It's action. I added screen time blocks to my phone which are super helpful! Like yestarday I automatically wanted to check my phone and even had a inkling to check out a grey area thing but I saw my internet was grayed out and that snapped me out of it right away. I made a SCHEDULE of routines to follow in the morning and evening which really had been missing. I commit to follow it to a T for 3 weeks then can change it. I am looking forward to it.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Good stuff, man. Take concrete action and commit to it! You're right that luck has nothing to do with it, and that's an empowering thing!

 

[Non-Dual Adventurer]

Hey man, sounds good about the schedule. I just bought a weekly planner so I write all the things I have to get done and then every morning when I get up, I look at it again and re-prioritise what is most important whilst drinking my coffee.

In terms of P blockers, I recently downloaded Net Nanny, which is good, but not perfect. I pay $45 a year for it and it will work on up to 5 devices including all computers, laptops, tablets, and phones. The really clever thing about it is, is that it works on a protocol level, so it doesn't matter what network you're on, P will be blocked wherever you are. Also if you switch your phone from wifi to 4G. That was a major issue for me in the past - all the free blockers just block stuff on the network you're on, so I found myself just switching to mobile data. Stupid stuff like that.

Net Nanny slows my internet down from time to time but not always. Usually mainly slows it when I'm not on my home network. Then again, my laptop is super old (it's from 2011, lol!) so that's probably the main reason it's not working optimally.

The filter is not perfect, but it's a damn sight better than having P on call at any moment. I find myself occasionally still googling things, but the filter kicks in with a block. My wife has the password to the Net Nanny app, so anything I google, she can see. Anything that's blocked, she can see. All in all, despite its downsides, it's worth the $45 because now it's a lot of work to try and look at questionable material, and I feel safer on my computer with it installed. Oh, and just in case you're wondering, in order to uninstall the software, my wife would have to enter the password, so that doesn't work either!

Maybe consider buying it and giving the password to a friend or family member. $45 really is not a lot of money for something that can make a tangible difference in keeping you safe from your addicted brain.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Sorry guys will read your replies more deeply a bit later, they are always appreciated! Having a bit of an urge so just want to get through this a bit post here.

Okay, checking phone a bunch felt "desparate for girl" saw all these attractive girls and felt desparate for them/ to talk to them. So all these little indicators of danger. Just a reminder to myself, it'll pass and I'll ease up on myself for a little bit get through this other things not too important

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Yep, watch those feelings, let them pass. Put your mind and or body to work on something else (exercise, cooking, woodworking, etc.) Maybe it's obvious to most people, but I'm just learning that I can change how I feel by changing what I'm doing.

I know that feeling of desperation, but it doesn't actually help you get anywhere. It just makes you feel bad about where you are now. Do what you can to let it go and settle into a comfortable present moment.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Well I messed up again, day before yesterday. Went on escort sites and browsed. Even worse I texted a few. : / I know exactly why, I kept tinder open and didn't tell anyone, checked a few times and that built the urge. I can NEVER have online dating apps ever. Broke my commitment and that led to a lapse.

Anyways yesterday was good. I was a bit down about that mess up but getting right back on the horse and did put things into perspective I have not MO'd in prob over 3 maybe 4 months now. So still my brain is healing for sure. Just gotta get back to even cleaner.

1) I have said this a million times but I am adding back in PURE meditation. For me brief meditation works. Adding to my evening routine, for this week at first, 10 minutes of meditating sitting in a chair! I sometimes did it laying down and in the evening more urges would pop up. In the past meditation has really helped me catch urges quicker I think this is the main missing peace.
2) Putting more into handling urges. Have a distracting activity next to my bed, I need to get serious about doing it every time an urge pops up. Thinking that when an urge level hits a 4 out of 10 then do the activity. Did that last night and it worked great.

I think meditation is going to be big, just an extra boost to my awareness that I think I could use right now. 10 min works well for me and sitting up, at the end of a routine that already clears my mind

 

[BlueHeronFan]

It's definitely time to be really careful. Take it from my off-roading during the holidays. These little things add up when we keep letting them happen. It's time to hit the brakes before this gets out of hand. For real, man. Don't do what I did. Even if you don't go as far as a full-on PMO relapse, this kind of stuff will take its toll. Shut it down and do something else.

Meditation and a distracting activity sound like good things. Definitely think about adding more things to your toolkit. I know exercise has been helpful for me sometimes when I'm dealing with urges. Hard to be serious about PMO when I'm doing yoga or pushups.

You're definitely on slippery ground, but you can get back to safety. You just have to get back to safety (it's 100% up to you).

Rooting for you man. Decide not to mess up tomorrow. Put yourself on a schedule, have a plan, whatever works. Don't give yourself permission to step into the gray areas (or worse)!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

It's definitely time to be really careful. Take it from my off-roading during the holidays. These little things add up when we keep letting them happen. It's time to hit the brakes before this gets out of hand. For real, man. Don't do what I did. Even if you don't go as far as a full-on PMO relapse, this kind of stuff will take its toll. Shut it down and do something else.

Meditation and a distracting activity sound like good things. Definitely think about adding more things to your toolkit. I know exercise has been helpful for me sometimes when I'm dealing with urges. Hard to be serious about PMO when I'm doing yoga or pushups.

You're definitely on slippery ground, but you can get back to safety. You just have to get back to safety (it's 100% up to you).

Rooting for you man. Decide not to mess up tomorrow. Put yourself on a schedule, have a plan, whatever works. Don't give yourself permission to step into the gray areas (or worse)!

Thanks bro! Totally on point with all of this, thank god that these days since have been very good. I definitely agree with the bolded part, it was time to add some new tools to my toolkit, really there were indications I should have done that weeks/ a month ago. I have added to my toolkit: A 10 minute meditation in the evening, last thing I do. I do it sitting in a chair so I stay awake and that helps to prevent urges form popping up as I do it. This is helping HUGELY. Evenings have been the toughest, I remember you (I think it was you?) said meditation is almost the opposite of addiction. So now the time when things were going off the rails, I am now meditating. I feel like pre bed I am pumping my prefrontal cortex with blood (meditation literally does this!) so being out of addiction mode.

The second is: I have juggling balls (lol) right next to my bed. When an urge/ image starts to pop up, I juggle for like 30 seconds to break the mind pattern, PREVENT them from gaining strength/ building up. This is massively helpful, I may not catch 100% but it's like half or more of those super mild urges and thoughts get reduced by 70% that seems to REALLY add up. Juggling is actually what allowed me, years ago to go my first full week MO free!

These are the tools I was missing,  I think.

Finally I was thinking about: It's not just what I needed to do, perhaps even more important is what I need to stop doing! Tinder uggghhhh that is a pretty inexcusable error to make. I know I can not do that. Also less looking at women's body parts.

Finally, that whole lapsy thing, the first grey are let me break it down:

Saw girls body part. Talked to her was in compulsivey mode (not get to know her/ HAVE STANDARDS mode)
She unsurprisingly didn't respond well (that is not proper mind frame to talk)
My addicted mind felt desparate for a girl with similiar body part. Was in seeking mode looking at girls, head on a swivel (NOT how I want to be, absolutely not the image I have for myself... )
Then I started texting girls old numbers, even the triggering girl! Compulsively checking my phone more and more. The urge built and built.

So I can see very clearly how this all built up.... And what needs to be done differently at the earliest stages:

1) I decided that triggering girl had to go. The number must be blocked and deleted. I have evidence. Blocking and deleting the number works, trying to keep any contact or not ending things IMMEDIATELY with no possible reintroduction does not work. That connection must be fully severed IMMEDIATELY. Having it open is like keeping downloaded porn on phone. You know it's there, urges will be induced by that knowledge and it leads to bad places.
2) Looking at women as whole people! Limit/ cut out looking at women's body parts.
2b) Having a logical overlay for my decisions about women (what? lol) So emotionally I can want a girl, or my addiction can insight urges for body parts. But I want a logical decision making process for whether I'll go on a date with a girl. Certain non-negotiable qualities. That way I can not be sold just based on the sight of a girl. If I feel that way I can logically remind myself "wait IDK if she violates this thing I want, or if she has this thing etc."
2c) Focusing on more generally changing the mindset too. Friend gave me GREAT advice. Instead of "Omg what a nice body part I hope she'll talk to me"  "Well, would I enjoy talking to her?".  I guess I backsliding a bit on my mindset around women, but that's all part of the improvement process.

Anyway thanks so much for the support blue! I also am still following the routine I made in the mornings and evenings, added meditation too it which I think really will help unlock everything else