My journal to recovery- Could use support

[BlueHeronFan]

Anytime, man.

I think your two new tools are really great. Meditation, I have heard, does directly heal the parts of the brain that addiction damages. Pumping your prefrontal cortex full of good blood is an awesome way to fight back at this thing. And I love the idea of having juggling balls close by. What a great way to redirect your brain and body to something that requires concentration and short-circuits the urges. It's also good that you're noticing that nights are harder. Learn the patterns and respond accordingly.

And you're right to work on cutting out tinder, phone numbers, looking at body parts, etc. I see it in myself and in other people too: the thing about our addiction is that we do get some benefit out of it (we wouldn't be addicted if it was all bad). Because of that, there's probably always a part of us that doesn't want to quit, so we end up leaving little breadcrumb trails for ourselves so that we can find our way back to the addiction. Maybe tinder and keeping girls' numbers are part of the breadcrumb trail, the little things that keep you connected to your addiction so that you can find your way back even when you know you want to quit. Get rid of that breadcrumb trail and go forward without reservation.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

100% on the breadcrumbs. Very good insight on that. Thanks for the general encouragement and affirmation of these knew wrinkles! They are going well so far.


Had a big argument with my father about an hour ago. A standard argument, me asking him to be less mean to me, him criticizing me and telling me I have failed at everything (in so many words). He and my sister are basically simply mean to me. And trying to set boundaries leads to attacks on my character and my mother. I was grappling with this a bit. Being around them can be very difficult, the solution is simple. Not be too extreme I'll be real with you guys ( I get thoughts like I can't wait till he dies, then I'll be able to feel so much better about myself), or I'll never talk to either of them again. But a more balanced approach: I am taking a break from them, and telling them "If you want to be around me you have to respect my boundaries, I don't care of you say this means I am crazy etc. if you don't respect them I will not spend time with you". Simple. It's this cycle of being around them and being treated poorly in unpredictable ways. Then if you try and set a boundary the real viciousness comes out.

My mother told me she felt so worthless when she was with my father and eventually she just decided "well I guess I am worthless and defective and bad at everything but I'd rather be worthless on my own". She has been with another man for around 20 years now, and is super happy. (By the way just want to put it out there, my mom went to college years early because she was so smart and has a law degree, she is incredibly smart and my grandpa's (mom's dad) parents were murdered when he was 18 (no joke) and he became rich with no education (seriously) so her and that side of the family are pretty damn badass.

Anyways I digress (sorry just don't even want anyone to think there was any truth to any of the bullshit my father made my mother feel). But anyways it's nothing new, thats what he and my sister do, the need people around them and to treat those people badly, to feel okay and if you try and leave or set a boundary viciousness. It's shocking how much this can throw you off and fuck with your self-image. They are nice sometimes, is it me? Are they right? "How can I be confident when I let people treat me this way".

I am happy with how I responded I did this visualization exercise examined the feelings and I believe these specific feelings, the weakness feeling of being bullied that I got from my father and sister growing up is so wrapped up in the addiction, feels like it's damn near the root of it.

Anyways a bit of a ramble, but I just realized I gotta set the boundaries. If the consequence is not talking to them or rarely I will accept that. Just like my mom "Well, I guess if I am crazy and over sensitive and can never do anything write, I am going to have to do that without you (dad and sister) in my company".

I also need to stop relying on them, I do accept help from father and sister, the foundation of this is INDEPENDENCE. That's on me handling my own life then setting the boundaries as a separate self-sufficient (or interdepedent with others) entity.

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Well, I had a big win last night.

As you may have noticed I had a little family drama lol. But anyway I felt upset and as I went to bed, I was very aware that I wanted to imagine a woman in my bed with me and right away I recognized "Oh, I want to imagine this woman to feel comforted". I have a framed photo of my childhood dog and I thought "wait let me feel comforted in another way". So I took the frame and held it looked at it for a long time in my bed and remembered my dog and how I used to feel comforted by him. It was mostly very positive. I cried a bit, I guess in large part out of the built up emotions from the evening. Then I put the photo down, thought a little more of him and fell asleep....

Really happy with this. What I am quite proud of is the fact that, I just was so aware of exactly what feelings I was feeling and what this urge was, a desire to feel comforted and quasi connection. So created this fantasy woman to do that. Rationally this is obvious but I find it cool that right in the thick of those feelings I recognized this, recognized the need I was trying to meet in a less than good way and replaced it with a healthier habit. It's cool how meeting that need, that feeling of connection putting my mind in that place thinking about being loved, even physical affection touching my dog him sniffing me etc. pretty much IMMEDIATELY took away any urge I felt to start imagining women. Cool experience, different from just doing other activities to distract myself until the urge in the background fades (Still very important critical part of recovery, this is a new tool not a meant to replace the entire toolbox) but doing this filing the desire/ whole in a healthier way it just dissipated.

It is also cool in that, it was just a better use of my imagination. Instead of imagining women and sexual situations that don't exist at all, I am imagining and remembering and thinking about a real dog, who I really loved and really did love me.

One last thing, I think the meditation I am doing deserves some/much of this credit. It seems to be upping my awareness. I always used to meditate in the morning. In the evening (sitting down key!, not laying down) it seems to be such a great addiction fighter, it primes my brain with that awareness and is a nice end to the day

 

[W4tchmak3r]

That was really awesome man. Congratulations on being able to have that level of control and self awareness. I really take my hat off to you on that one... very admirable for you to turn things around.

It not only shows great progress in your addiction journey, but fantastic resilience in you as a person, especially coming from a really hard place with your family.

Keep up the great work and I?m excited for you to move onto more wonderful things both in your mindful capabilities and in your direction in life!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

That was really awesome man. Congratulations on being able to have that level of control and self awareness. I really take my hat off to you on that one... very admirable for you to turn things around.

It not only shows great progress in your addiction journey, but fantastic resilience in you as a person, especially coming from a really hard place with your family.

Keep up the great work and I?m excited for you to move onto more wonderful things both in your mindful capabilities and in your direction in life!

Hey man,thanks so much! That encouragement means a ton! Still felt a little shockwaves about the family thing but reading this is really encouraging me to keep getting after the positive!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

A bit of sex fantasy interspersed with a bit of fetish fantasy last night. I know exactly the problem, juggling is great for handling the small urges, but the big stronger ones need a stronger tool. So next time, go for a walk leave the apartment. I also need to re up my motivation, I can do this by writing and reading WHY I am quitting. So that is an action step for soon. Worn out today, all good just was working out a little too hard.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Lots of good insights and progress, man!

Tackle stronger urges with stronger tools, look for real connections instead of urges.

Sorry to hear about the family trouble. I know tension in my family puts me in a weird place (probably at least part of why I had so much trouble when I was home for the holidays). I guess these are the kinds of situations where we just have to learn healthier coping strategies because it's not an easy fix (like deleting a triggering app).

Keep going!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks for the support man! Same stuff last night but less intense. I think I really had over done my workouts, I was sick then started working out like 3x as hard as before so was just so tired. OH well lesson learned took two days off and back at it tomorrow. I got an telephone support buddy today. I was really kind of nervous about calling someone up etc. but man it is really awesome, we had a good talk and I texted when I had a craving to fantasize and wow that really helped. Looking forward to building up a small support network, I think that can be really helpful.

Feeling better for sure. Have not been doing my evening routine though, but I may change it around a bit and then reintroduce it. Some of it (Affirmations, really just seemed a bit boring and didn't seem helpful). So I can see what worked and what didn't and reintroduce some of it.

Had a good talk with my mom today and have some ideas about my midterm future as far as work etc. so that has me feeling better. I am not 100% what the future brings, but I kept feeling like I had to take classes or training programs to totally change my career, but I already have some skills. Maybe i can just get some job I can live with and then use that extra time, not training but working on doing side projects for myself that can hopefully lead to making money/ a business (my real desire). Plus remember Blue, we talked so long ago about leaving writing behind (you) and public speaking (me) I have taken no action on that since..... BUT I am going to go to a speaking club tomorrow! I don't know if it'll be good or what but to heck with it it is step one to getting back into it. I have that worry I won't be as good etc. and don't want to speak in front people who knew how good I was but this is a huge step try out a few other clubs see how it goes and then perhaps slowly rebuild my skill and go from there.... It really is a talent I have and it feels kind of bad to not be using it... But it'll feel damn good TO use it!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Glad you're feeling better. I always have to remind myself that everything comes and goes. Whenever I'm feeling down, I end up thinking it will be forever. It never is. Keep moving forward!

And that's awesome about the speaking club! I hope that goes well. I was doing pretty well at writing every day, but I still haven't figured out my schedule this semester. So it's more like some days, but I'll get there.

This is what counts: nothing flashy or too exciting, just showing up every day and putting in the work for recovery. Onward and upward!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

As always thanks for the support man! The club had a special event contest or something so I didn't get to do any speaking but it was still nice to go! Upstairs neighbors who I'd never even seen before invited me to watch superbowl! Nice opportunity to socialize hopefully make new friends/ more of a community where I live. I heard banging yestarday they were moving furniutred I offered them help and it turned into a little convo and an invite! Also got a guy's number at the gym and another's email. Wasn't feeling great today but it's cool to be pursuing friendships and a happy life the way I was pursuing girls! Funny how I was less scared to ask a girl out then ask a dude to hang out.... it's all about practice I get. So anyway thats good. Desperately need a job/money got some silly (legal) hustle hopefully for this week to make some money.

Anyway, thanks all for the support!

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Anytime, man!

Sounds like good stuff. It sounds funny that you would be more nervous to pursue a male friendship than a date, but I get it. It's a new muscle, but it's a good one to exercise. I think pursuing a full and happy life is a great way to go. Put your date-seeking energy into living life, and the right kinds of girls will end up in your orbit.

Sounds like the storm from last week has blown over, too, which is great. Get right back to business and keep rocking!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks man! I think you put the nail on the head. I need to fill up the rest of life. I was going on this bad dates, which can be triggering when the girl has no emotional or personal appeal the sex object mindset takes over and that is very connected to PMO BS. In large part that was happening because of simple loneliness and wanting to do fun stuff and hang out with people.

So hanging with the neighbors was fun! I was a bit surprised, didn't realize they were gay but it was like 20 gay dudes hanging out, no women and I was the only straight guy lol. I was a little taken aback at first, I have had a few bad experiences with gay friends making some uncomfortable attempts but for the most part everyone seemed quite respectful and I had a good time. Overall I was happy with it but I may be ever so slightly cautious, not remotely homophobic but I have had bad experiences with gay friends before (attempting to touch me etc.) so I'll be a little cautious, as in that situation it built over time. Just as many straight men sometimes have trouble accepting a woman is not playing games or playing hard to get and she seriously wants to be only friends and no sexuality is involved, gay men have the same trouble.  But anyways didn't run into major issues (one dude touched my back twice another guy went to hug me good bye- That guy seemed cool may not have realized I was straight). But overall a great spor and being straight it couldn't have been a less triggering environment which is good lol. A woman stopped by for like 15 min though and I immediately was trying to look at her body, so good to be aware of that and see the contrast, how my focus changed.


Going to a sport league tonight, really feeling I could use the more activities in life.

Now the bad news: Fetish fantasy again. I have become okay with a lower standard of clean. Let my set point lower, that's just the fact. Like I allow myself to fantasize more, not viewing PMO fantasy as a huge problem (I went months with out it!). So I need to get my self in gear. This is not acceptable and I don't like admiting it to myself but no good and likely undoing some progress so I need to get back in the game and cut this shit out! Cut out Fetish fantasy, and less internet use key. I've been saying this but that's not enough going to spend 30 min tomorrow review smart book and revamping my motivation.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

I guess that's not what you expected, but it sounds like it was still pretty good overall. That's awesome! No matter what, you've enlarged your circle and brought new experiences of connection and friendship, all of which will take a chunk out of the addiction.

You're probably right about the fantasies, though. Time to get serious with them. I hit some bumpy road today (see my journal), but I'm remembering that I wouldn't keep doing things I know I shouldn't if I wasn't getting something out of them. Do you have a feeling for what you're getting out of the fantasies? What gap in your life are they trying to fill? Don't just willpower your way past fantasies, address the underlying need they're trying to fill.

Keep going!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks man! Will check out your journal ASAP, hope it's not too bad. Honestly as simple as it is, I think it was simply boredom and laziness. Just not having anything to do as I fell a sleep so like "meh I'll fantasize'. A lack of motivation and needing replacement activities at night. Last night was thinking of a girl, but not fetish bs. So progress. Tonight fill that void very simple, I have a fun book and I'll read it as I fall asleep!

Got some girls numbers today, maybe over did it a little, but had fun.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

All progress counts, man! Just keep it going!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Thanks man! So the night before last I did some P-subs. Here's the deal: Before I considered fetish fantasy a relapse/lapse. I did it little bit by little bit and moved the goal post. Then it led to sliding backwards more. I have made great progress and doing way less, but I think it's good for me to acknowledge the things I did as relapses. Looking at any porn, porn like things any fetish fantasy are relapses. I think it's good to not have this grey area in my mind. The problem is to categorize that in the mind and feel hopeless or whatever. But, I heard something awesome from a smart meeting facilitator:  "If you have 12 months clean, then relapse for a week and are now clean for this month you have 13 months clean!". Making it not about perfecting but still acknowledging and not pretending the lapses didn't happen. Also I think changing things up is cool, I am a little excited about having a (temporary) day count going so planning to do that.

So I am going to start with a goal 14 days of No P. No M. No P substitues (including tinder, bumble any online dating. No fetish Fantasy. No holding my pillow pretending it's a girl. No sexual fantasy in bed. Aim to not fantasize about sex at all!

Motivation: 1: By doing this, being very strict, my focus will go up higher! My moods, which have not been as stable ( I was trying everything but getting damn strict) will stabilize! THIS being addiction free letting my brain be healthy is the foundation to everything else. Honestly, may sound silly to some but I miss solid morning wood! It is a huge motivator and let's me know I am getting better. So having morning wood again! Being able to control my sexuality, and be more grounded with women/ on dates! Feeling confident that I'll have working erections.... so important! Being READY to act on opportunties to date awesome women and feel confident and good about it! Start sleeping better as being stricter will let urges subside and I won't be using P-substitues keeping me up or up fantasizing.

A million more reasons! Going to make a greater focus on MOTIVATION. Reviewing my reasons for doing this. Making it a goal, wanting to achieve it.

Today is day 2. I'll aim to post daily for this 14 day period. Even if just to update the counter.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sounds like a plan man. You know, I've been learning about how physical health routines (like exercise) have to change up from time to time or else you will get bored/not make the same progress. Changing things up is a part of success.

I have not thought about that in relation to addiction recovery, though, and now you've got me thinking that that's part of this too. We can't just settle in and expect something to work forever. We will naturally get lazy/complacent/distracted, not because we're bad but because we're human. Changing things up from time to time will keep us engaged, keep us fresh.

I really like the idea of having 13 months clean in the way your facilitator said. I think that's the mindset I'm moving to. I sort of quit counting days at the start of the year because it just wasn't motivating anymore. I think too, sort of unconsciously, it was feeding my undercover perfectionism. Instead, I'm just trying to focus on showing up every day and doing my best, each day. We'll see how it goes. The good news is that I can always change if something more effective comes along.

Keep being awesome. Here's to a great 14 days!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Day 3.

Thanks man, I think you hit the nail on the head! I was feeling that I needed a change for awhile. I like to usually not count days but had been wanting to count days or do something like this for awhile. Just like you said changing things up, keeping things moving. It's nice to have a goal. Still, one day at a time.

I went on a date yesterday. I had met this girl on the train I think Monday, what I liked about her, she seemed very genuine, was telling me she was excited to see me etc. I like that.

More importantly though, is focusing on my path. I had a few main goals on the date: 1) I told myself not to go in with many expectations! Very glad I did this, the date was okay, not as good as I expected it to be, for a combination of reasons. I am glad that I sort of planned for that. Rather then building this girl up in my head too much.

2) This is the big win: I made my MAJOR focus on the date MY RECOVERY. I didn't have a plan for how to seem cool on the date, even have fun. I learned from my mistakes (last few dates super triggering). I made some rules for myself, to be able to control my sexuality and ease back into physical touching. I wrote down

1) If we kiss, it can be for up to 10 seconds.
2) If we cuddle/ I have my arm around her it can be for up to 10 minutes.
3) Under NO circumstances can she come home with me.
4) Under NO circumstances can I ask her the questions "what turns you on"

I am not sure if we'll end up having another date, I'd like to, or if the date went very well. But, the important thing is my main aim, easing in to physical touch and a date in a healthier way then the past few, was achieved.

I was having some weird rationalization on dates "I need tons of physical contact I need to rewire NOW". That's not rewiring that is desperation and led to lapses and stuff. Finally the question "what turns you on" basically came from my pmo addiction and was asked with a secret desire she'd say pmo type bullshit. It may be okay to ask a bit about stuff like this, with a plan NOT ON A FIRST DATE. But definetly NOT ON A FIRST DATE. It is irrational and comes from impulsiveness.

We talked a lot, the girl is nice and open but a bit louder then I am used to, with a few other things I don't want. But I think spending more time together is something I'd like to do. I may not be quite ready to jump into a relationship, so something in between, a bit of physical touch and hanging out could be good. But if she doesn't want to see me again, that's okay too. I did a good job of doing what I want to do to facilitate recovery!

I had my arm around her for around 30 seconds to a minute. It felt nice, she seemed to feel a little awkward about this in public, so I said "oh you're uncomfortable in public like this" she apologetically said yeah and I was like no problem. At some point I was feeling bored and I felt the impulse to ask "what turns you on" but DID NOT. Finally at the end of the date she got really close to me and looked excited like she was about to kiss me, we kissed and I kept it to about 5 seconds. So all good wins there.

Overall some good victories because I had control over myself. It felt almost like my first real reintroduction to dating in this current no MO streak (since the two girls i liked in the previous city) because I had self-control and fairly healthy sexuality. Big step to dating and leaving behind pmoy nonsense behind during it. Luckily it wasn't nearly as hard as avoiding pmo etc. Just a matter of awareness and standards for myself. Will aim to continue this sort of thing on dates, self-awareness and having some criteria. To train myself to have control.

ALSO really don't want to sully this with fantasy etc. Felt a moderate urge writing this, like my mind wanted to insert her into pmo fetish fantasy. It wasn't too strong, and as I get more days fantasy free it'll weaken, but good to be aware, methodically SLOWLY ease into rewiring my brain.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sounds like a great day, man!

Definitely a good catch to notice the difference between desperation and rewiring. It's awesome that you're keeping your recovery at the center of what you're doing and also being sensitive to the girl's feelings and comfort (that's probably more rewiring than physical contact, honestly!)

Stay in tune and stay deliberate. Keep it up!

 

[quitforeverthenwin2]

Sounds like a great day, man!

Definitely a good catch to notice the difference between desperation and rewiring. It's awesome that you're keeping your recovery at the center of what you're doing and also being sensitive to the girl's feelings and comfort (that's probably more rewiring than physical contact, honestly!)

Stay in tune and stay deliberate. Keep it up!

Thanks man! And wow what an amazing insight, you hit the nail on the head! Adjusting to real people and how reality works paying attention to feelings is for sure more central to my rewiring and recovery then the physical contact.... That'll really help with some of the silly urges I get sometimes (I need to rewire now!) THAT isn't rewiring thats an urge or an excuse to want to use PMO. Real rewiring is about that, rewiring to healthy sexuality.

Felt a bit off today, I think aftershocks from the slips a few days ago, but feeling better each day. Took lots of healthy action, got to do a brief moment of public speaking today! Which was a nice boost, I am not as good as I was and that is FINE it was still fun and it's cool to be involved in that again.


So a theory. Motivation and urges are inversely related. When motivation is higher, urges feel weaker. So I am very motivated today as I have been the last few days. The cool thing is I am motivated by DESIGN. Really becoming a bigger and bigger fan of SMART and using their tools. I was thinking, they have all these heavily researched tools for combating addiction, tons of people have used them and they work.... why not use them? So I am simply working on these motivation worksheets fairly consistently and find it makes urges a shit ton weaker. It's cool, it's like investing in fighting an urge well before it happens.

I like this "have a blueprint" kind of thing. Like I went to an online SMARt meeting the facilitator said she used to use a motivation work sheet every day for awhile, and that allowed her to stay clean, then every week, then every month needing it less over time. Makes sense to me. It's cool to feel like I have a tool, an activity I can do to directly combat the addiction. Anyways, it's not for everyone... For me it's like what 12 step is supposed to be. Having actions etc. that I can take that help to combat the addiction and heal the mental states, thoughts emotions that led to it in the first place, except these tools actually work for me.